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Blossoming Domme - 10/6/2014 3:50:39 AM

GinaD

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Joined: 10/6/2014
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My husband has always been interested in D/s play, him being the sub. Recently however, he has officially spoken out about his wishes of officially being my sub. Until a couple of days ago we have played in blindfolds,light whipping, slapping, ass play, gagging, bondage in the form of cuffing. All very light stuff definitely in the bdsm relm but light enough to not warrant a second thought. Now its obvious we are about to dive deeper into our bdsm lifestyle and im so excited but i feel a bit intimidated. Here are my questions!
He mentioned he would LOVE to have me invite someone over while he is shackled up, blindfolded, and gagged in the livingroom. The look of delight on his face while describing what he wanted makes me want to spoil him and give him what he wants. Question is, how would i go about finding a voyeur who would want to come over and ooh and aah over him and how obedient he is. I'm new to this scene so im not sure if there is a chatroom to find e/v in my area!
Also I'm just a bit afraid of humiliating him. I'm not sure if this is normal for a Dom to not want to humiliate/ de-humanize their sub. Its just not something I'm comfortable with. I understand it takes communication, which we have so much of. I guess what my question is, am i a proper sub if i choose not to humiliate my sub? I feel like first and foremost he is my husband before my sub. I am always so proud of him and i want out D/s relationship to be one of respect and pride. idk i know i have more questions but i just had a glass of wine and snapped is on so i cant quiet think of anything else.... thanks guys!

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RE: Blossoming Domme - 10/6/2014 4:00:05 AM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GinaD

My husband has always been interested in D/s play, him being the sub. Recently however, he has officially spoken out about his wishes of officially being my sub. Until a couple of days ago we have played in blindfolds,light whipping, slapping, ass play, gagging, bondage in the form of cuffing. All very light stuff definitely in the bdsm relm but light enough to not warrant a second thought. Now its obvious we are about to dive deeper into our bdsm lifestyle and im so excited but i feel a bit intimidated. Here are my questions!
He mentioned he would LOVE to have me invite someone over while he is shackled up, blindfolded, and gagged in the livingroom. The look of delight on his face while describing what he wanted makes me want to spoil him and give him what he wants. Question is, how would i go about finding a voyeur who would want to come over and ooh and aah over him and how obedient he is. I'm new to this scene so im not sure if there is a chatroom to find e/v in my area!
Also I'm just a bit afraid of humiliating him. I'm not sure if this is normal for a Dom to not want to humiliate/ de-humanize their sub. Its just not something I'm comfortable with. I understand it takes communication, which we have so much of. I guess what my question is, am i a proper sub if i choose not to humiliate my sub? I feel like first and foremost he is my husband before my sub. I am always so proud of him and i want out D/s relationship to be one of respect and pride. idk i know i have more questions but i just had a glass of wine and snapped is on so i cant quiet think of anything else.... thanks guys!

Hi OP, it sounds like you guys have a generally very solid and loving vanilla relationship that is complemented by kink where he is the bottom and you the Top which is great. For you as the Dominant partner, you have to really learn how to nurture and embrace that side of you. What enables you to spank him, what delight does it give not only to you but to him?
In a setting where he would be on display, you don't have to go outside of your comfort zone with playtime, whatever makes you feel comfortable whether it's bondage and flogging to blindfolds and gags. In such a scenario I would definitely recommend a local munch because then you're around other kinkcentric people, this sounds like something you're both open to and you can explore publicly if you so choose. Also this will help a great deal with your level of comfort in exploration and getting mentoring with after care and for the humiliation aspect/ voyeuristic side of things.

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RE: Blossoming Domme - 10/6/2014 5:23:54 AM

crazyml

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What GoddessManko said * 100.

The only thing I can add, is that this is a journey you're both on.. You don't need to take giant leaps, you can take it as fast or as slowly as you choose. What you might find, and this is partly based on my own personal experience, that the feedback you get as you try new things will help you a lot.

When I started out, the idea of caning a woman was way beyond my comfort zone, then I found a partner who made it clear how much she enjoyed it and that gradually gave me confidence.

Oh and the only other thing I'd add is... if you're both exploring this together, the chances are there'll be the odd screw-up, or you'll try something that is nothing like as hot in reality as it is in fantasy; make a pledge to each other that when/if that happens you'll both talk about it, (Ideally) have a good laugh and bring what you've learned about each other forward.

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RE: Blossoming Domme - 10/6/2014 5:59:49 AM

DesFIP

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To avoid hurting him with humiliation, start really small and see how he reacts. But if you find that you don't like it, then you don't need to do it. You are allowed your limits also.

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RE: Blossoming Domme - 10/6/2014 6:04:22 AM

CaptR

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Good morning,
As GoddessManko suggests become involved with your local community via munches and events. You'll find kink oriented people, a place to share ideas and gain knowledge about this lifestyle. Use caution in choosing friends/ acquaintances just as you would in the vanilla world. Research your interests thoroughly, seek advice as you are doing then research the guidance you receive. Continue with the open channel of communication with your spouse and yourself. Your comfort level with activities will change as you gain experience. I once struggled with attending the needs of a masochistic friend until I acknowledged the sadistic capability that resided inside me. It can be a struggle but remember there is no failure in being true to yourself as long as it's not to the detriment of others.
This reply is in response to the OP. I really should stop using my phone, the prompts are so tiny and my fingers so large. I feel like Gulliver.

< Message edited by CaptR -- 10/6/2014 6:10:38 AM >

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RE: Blossoming Domme - 10/6/2014 6:42:17 AM

DarkSteven

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To expand a bit on what GoddessManko said, a munch is a vanilla meeting of kinky people, in a vanilla setting. You will get to meet other kinksters and just chat with them. No play is permitted there. You will NOT fulfill your husband's fantasy there.

There are also play parties where you (and others) can play in full view of others. I suspect that you might be able to meet your husband's needs there. If not, you will be able to meet others there who might be open to doing so privately with you later.

Let me warn you about something. Your relationship is focused now on what he wants. It is not the typical Domme/male sub relationship, which is focused more on what she wants. Once others find out about your dynamic, expect plenty of people saying, "You should do it this way..." Try to hear that as, "Here's another way you could do it...", without the judgmentalism. If you do, you'll get exposed to various other ideas for how you could do things, which would be really cool.

And in the meantime, ask yourself - what do YOU want for play? You have every right to ask this and propose it to him.

To answer your specific questions -

"Also I'm just a bit afraid of humiliating him. I'm not sure if this is normal for a Dom to not want to humiliate/ de-humanize their sub. Its just not something I'm comfortable with."

It doesn't matter what's normal or not. There is no Dom's Handbook giving rules. If you intend to do it, explain that it's going to be pushing you and that you're going to have to do it in baby steps. And then describe to him how YOU would like the scene to go. Obviously, seeing him enjoying himself is a huge part of it for you - does he know that?

"Question is, how would i go about finding a voyeur who would want to come over and ooh and aah over him and how obedient he is. I'm new to this scene so im not sure if there is a chatroom to find e/v in my area! "

Please don't even think of using chatrooms to meet people. As GM said, go meet people in real life at munches and play parties. While I personally feel that the horror stories about bad things happening are overhyped, almost every single one of them starts with, "I met someone from online who came over to my place." If you share with us what your general location is, we can check to see what's close to you. If you'd like to do it yourself, go to Fetlife.com and type your location into the Search function and all kinds of stuff will come up, including local groups.

"I understand it takes communication, which we have so much of."

"I guess what my question is, am i a proper sub if i choose not to humiliate my sub? I feel like first and foremost he is my husband before my sub. I am always so proud of him and i want out D/s relationship to be one of respect and pride."

Excellent. You are raising some very good points here.

There are two places where D/s can occur - in the bedroom and outside of it. Up till now, you have only been Domme/sub in the bedroom. Now he's proposing that it extend outside the bedroom in some ways. He's also proposing to add humiliation play.

So you have two changes to contemplate - the addition of humiliation play, and the extension of the dynamic. You're very uncomfortable with doing humiliation outside the bedroom and are mentally incorporating both changes at once. Explain to him how you feel. Propose only incorporating one of the changes for now, with the second to follow later if and when you both are comfortable with it.

Also, have him explain to you how he sees each change being carried out, and in turn share with him how you would and wouldn't like it to proceed.

Have fun!

And welcome to the site!

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RE: Blossoming Domme - 10/6/2014 7:01:51 AM

crazyml

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Awesome thread.

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RE: Blossoming Domme - 10/6/2014 8:09:40 AM

SeekingTrinity

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From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
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~FRing it~

Kudos to you, OP, for keeping an open mind and being supportive of your husband.

The others above have given great advice. My piece to add is to take it slow and have fun with it. Have him fill out a BDSM checklist, so you get an idea of things he is interested in or things he feels are limits for him. From that list, you can pick out things YOU are comfortable with or interested in. This is where I will second the advice that it's okay to think about your wants, needs, and desires too. As a dominant, you have someone who is willing to cater to you. Embrace and enjoy it. In doing that, you are meeting your husband's desires and needs too. This is very much a win-win situation for you both.

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RE: Blossoming Domme - 10/6/2014 8:55:24 AM

FieryOpal

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The best way that I can personally address your concerns is to touch upon a few relevant points from my own marital D/s which spanned over 17 years, much of which may be consistent with your concerns, given that each D/s dynamic is uniquely its own and impacts the very fabric of your marital bonds.

In the earlier stages of BDSM exploration, it will seem natural to give your bedroom sub husband license to express his desires. You will always want to keep that channel of communications open without either one of you feeling stifled. This is more of the psychological "nakedness" or transparency that needs to be encouraged and nurtured. As the Dominant partner, I believed I had the greater burden of responsibility in this regard since I was ostensibly the one in charge and in control.

What I found, though, was that by allowing my husband, when he was a bedroom sub for many years, to set the pace, he effectively became accustomed to Topping me from the bottom. It wasn't long before I began to feel as if I were his service Top instead of his bedroom Mistress.

As trust develops, there will be a seamless transition into deeper levels of D/s intimacy and more intense BDSM play. I should point out that my husband and I were not sado-masochistic and neither of us felt comfortable skirting the edges of S&M, beyond his penchant for sexual humiliation, which I always made certain to counter-balance or countermand with many positive affirmations, affection and reassurances of love. You can be accepting in hearing him out, but that doesn't mean that he gets to dictate what he wants when he wants how he wants it. You are the Dominant partner, not him, so please keep this in mind lest the two of you end up in needless power struggles. As a couple, you should both be on the same page as much as possible in terms of consensuality, and this means your own willingness or unwillingness to push past your comfort zone as much as your husband's.

I had to rein my husband in or else his kinkiness would have gotten out of hand. And it did. He also had exhibitionistic/voyeuristic fantasies about cuckolding, and bringing a strange man into the mix. At first, his constant harping about wanting to see a total stranger

do me bothered me, then made me angry when I wasn't on board with his hare-brained, half-baked fantasy imaginings. It wasn't until later that I figured out that a large part of his sexual fantasy was tied in with his kink for dirty sex talk. It made him excited to TALK about it, just as he was aroused by name-calling, being threatened in concert with carefully timed and controlled bitchslaps along with light hair-pulling, light swats of my riding crop (more in a directional guiding capacity), being *forced* to do things as my bitch, as part of his sexual humiliation fetish. Because he was my husband, I didn't want to devolve into degradation and did not make him perform degrading acts. If you keep it light, playful and teasing without demeaning or undermining his self-esteem, then you can't go wrong.

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RE: Blossoming Domme - 10/6/2014 9:37:29 AM

Gauge

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GinaD

My husband has always been interested in D/s play, him being the sub. Recently however, he has officially spoken out about his wishes of officially being my sub. Until a couple of days ago we have played in blindfolds,light whipping, slapping, ass play, gagging, bondage in the form of cuffing. All very light stuff definitely in the bdsm relm but light enough to not warrant a second thought. Now its obvious we are about to dive deeper into our bdsm lifestyle and im so excited but i feel a bit intimidated.

Don't feel intimidated, this is an exciting time for both of you. While I will agree that while you may feel intimidated, you don't have to know everything all at once either. Get a few things that you do well and he enjoys and build off of that. There are plenty of books to help guide you, the list for them is here: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm Just remember one thing when reading them, one size does not fit all, you are free to tailor make your own BDSM rules and regulations that suit you and your husband.

quote:

He mentioned he would LOVE to have me invite someone over while he is shackled up, blindfolded, and gagged in the livingroom. The look of delight on his face while describing what he wanted makes me want to spoil him and give him what he wants. Question is, how would i go about finding a voyeur who would want to come over and ooh and aah over him and how obedient he is. I'm new to this scene so im not sure if there is a chatroom to find e/v in my area!

Patience. Use the resources that have been suggested and be patient.

quote:

Also I'm just a bit afraid of humiliating him. I'm not sure if this is normal for a Dom to not want to humiliate/ de-humanize their sub. Its just not something I'm comfortable with. I understand it takes communication, which we have so much of.

Then you have some very long discussions ahead of you. What you must talk about are very personal things and you both have to be painfully honest with each other. He needs to tell you if there is anything whatsoever that you should not say to him to humiliate him. Likewise, you must also express to him you are uncomfortable and why such a thing makes you feel like that. I made a mistake once a long time ago when I was new to this, my sub and I had talked about humiliation play and she was really into it, but we didn't get into a really deep discussion about it. During playtime I called her "worthless" which to me was OK, but it was a biting hurtful word for her and she broke down and began crying. I found out later that she had very deep seated self-worth problems and that she had felt worthless all her life. Man, did I feel like shit because the furthest thing from my mind was hurting her so deeply. Point is that I learned from that mistake, and humiliation play, for me, should be discussed at length so as not to trigger something deeper.

quote:

I guess what my question is, am i a proper sub if i choose not to humiliate my sub? I feel like first and foremost he is my husband before my sub. I am always so proud of him and i want out D/s relationship to be one of respect and pride. idk i know i have more questions but i just had a glass of wine and snapped is on so i cant quiet think of anything else.... thanks guys!

If you are not comfortable with humiliating your husband, then discuss it with him. Discuss why you feel that way and how he would view it if you did it. The bottom line is that neither of you have to do anything that you are not comfortable with. You can do whatever it is you want together, both of you should be comfortable with what happens. One word though, sometimes... sometimes pushing yourself beyond that comfort level works out well. The very first sub I played with loved face slapping, I however had the years and years of mental training that you don't hit a woman... ever. She told me that this was different and that she wanted me to do so, and that I had her permission to hit her. So, I started out slowly, and slapped her lightly... she prodded me a little and asked me when I was going to start slapping her. The weird thing was that I was getting oddly turned on by the whole thing, I don't know if it was because I was breaking the rules or because of the power involved or the fact that she was a moaning writhing mess from it.... I think it was all three. Suddenly I was comfortable with fact slapping. Obviously stepping outside your comfort level needs communication, so do so... a lot.

Good luck to you both!

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RE: Blossoming Domme - 10/6/2014 9:51:13 AM

mnottertail

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You might first go to a couple munches, maybe find a Domme with a bit of experience, and you can dress him up as a maid, invite her over for tea, and so on, down the line and both can titter at him.............unless you develop friends quickly, this may be a paying proposition

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