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Redheadedgirl123 -> Becoming a slave... (10/9/2014 10:02:46 PM)

I've been into bdsm for awhile now and started practicing it about a year ago. Mostly it was just sexual and fun. Nothing too serious, there was a few guys I experimented some kink stuff with.

I told myself I wanted more though, a true d/s relationship. That's when I met David. He lives about 5 hours away but we meet up from time to time. We've been talking for about 6 months now and I really do like him.

It's getting very real now though..... He's starting to tell me what to eat, what to drink, how often I should workout, that kind of thing. At first I liked the idea.

But now were talking about me moving up there and being a full time slave, not a sub. He would control basically every aspect.

I thought I wanted that... But the more and more I think about it I don't know if I do.

I guess I just don't know if it's healthy for me, for someone to have that much control over me. For one I'm not all mentally stable, I suffer from bulimia, borderline personality disorder, and depression. Even with him controlling my eating habits has triggered a lot of my eating disorder behaviors.

I feel almost like he would change everything about me. Make me into the person he wants me to be.

I just have all these doubts, and I'm torn. I want to do what's best for me but I don't know what that would be.

Any advice would help. Also if anyone here is or has been a full time slave could share some of their experiences that would be great.




SeekingTrinity -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/9/2014 10:12:22 PM)

He may be a really great guy and all, but if I can be honest...I don't think this is a good situation for you. The whole tone of your post positively screams how not good this would be for you and that you don't want this. I am especially concerned with the triggering of eating disorder behaviors. You know you the best. I think you know the answer deep down inside. A dominant is supposed to bring out the best in you. Is he? This is by no means a criticism of him. He's not a bad guy from the sounds of things.

I'm not suggesting dump him flat out, but tread very careful because this situation is touching on some highly sensitive areas. Id suggest having a "come to Jesus" talk with him and express your concerns. If he is anything other than 100% supportive and desires to do the best thing as far as you are concerned, that should tell you everything you need to know.



GoddessManko -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/9/2014 10:26:33 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123

It's getting very real now though..... He's starting to tell me what to eat, what to drink, how often I should workout, that kind of thing. At first I liked the idea.

But now were talking about me moving up there and being a full time slave, not a sub. He would control basically every aspect.

I thought I wanted that... But the more and more I think about it I don't know if I do.

I guess I just don't know if it's healthy for me, for someone to have that much control over me. For one I'm not all mentally stable, I suffer from bulimia, borderline personality disorder, and depression. Even with him controlling my eating habits has triggered a lot of my eating disorder behaviors.

I feel almost like he would change everything about me. Make me into the person he wants me to be.

I just have all these doubts, and I'm torn. I want to do what's best for me but I don't know what that would be.

Any advice would help. Also if anyone here is or has been a full time slave could share some of their experiences that would be great.



OP, you already know the answer to this.He has been unintentionally harmful to your recovery from these illnesses. I understand his intention but when you're obsessing over FOOD, WORKOUTS,things of that nature, that is unhealthy even for a completely healthy individual. Fitness is a lifestyle for me, I like doing it. If he suggests a workout or two, that's one thing but to tell you the when how, how long etc...that's just scary. You are not going to be functional without him on top of the fact he is exacerbating any self image issues you may already have. PLEASE detach asap. It would take you some time to learn to be without that intense level of dependency, and that's very iffy about being able to detach from it.
Better to stop this in its tracks because it will be a snowball effect and if he decides to call it quits you're stuck pushing that snowball uphill. SeekingTrinity gave sound advice. On the bright side, you guys were not cohabitating so it's not too late to reclaim yourself and focus on working on you and getting healthy before giving this another shot in a healthier way.



Redheadedgirl123 -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/9/2014 10:37:54 PM)

Thank you guys.... I'm just scared to tell him how I feel because I told him this is what I wanted for so long and now I'm not so sure. I just don't want to disappoint him..



GoddessManko -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/9/2014 10:43:28 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123

Thank you guys.... I'm just scared to tell him how I feel because I told him this is what I wanted for so long and now I'm not so sure. I just don't want to disappoint him..


Yes, but please think of your well being first and foremost OP. Things are all great and whimsical in the initial stages of things but then practicality sets in. This lifestyle isn't a one size fits all and unfortunately his methods would only work with someone who was a bodybuilder or something and eats whey protein morning, noon and night. It's just not practical for the ordinary individual. It's the pleaser side of you and then also the developing attachment from this dependent relationship that is making you pause. But believe when I tell you this is horribly unhealthy for you, especially since he's new (to you) and you guys are just starting out. It's way too much too soon. And he is already triggering relapses, time to friend zone him if you can or detach entirely.



SweetnStormySub -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/9/2014 11:07:13 PM)

GoddessManko is spot-on. I think you already know what must be done. Dear heart, you are doing both of you a disservice. He sounds like a good and reasonable man and needs to hear the truth. First and foremost, you must attend to these issues that have been triggered.



DarkSteven -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/9/2014 11:15:07 PM)

Wait a sec. How much have you shared with him about your eating disorder and other issues?

If he's unaware, then you're not giving him the insight he needs to do the job. If he knows the effects of what he's doing and doesn't care, run.



searching4mysir -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/9/2014 11:22:03 PM)

FR
Your mental health is far more important than his being disappointed. He'll get over it, and if he is a stand-up guy that is worthy of being your master he will recognize the wisdom in backing off.



Gauge -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/9/2014 11:37:01 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123

I've been into bdsm for awhile now and started practicing it about a year ago. Mostly it was just sexual and fun. Nothing too serious, there was a few guys I experimented some kink stuff with.

I told myself I wanted more though, a true d/s relationship. That's when I met David. He lives about 5 hours away but we meet up from time to time. We've been talking for about 6 months now and I really do like him.

It's getting very real now though..... He's starting to tell me what to eat, what to drink, how often I should workout, that kind of thing. At first I liked the idea.



You might like the idea, but the reality is really and truly much different than the fantasy.

quote:

I thought I wanted that... But the more and more I think about it I don't know if I do.


Someone more wise than I could ever be once said, "If you must ask the question, you already know the answer."

quote:

I guess I just don't know if it's healthy for me, for someone to have that much control over me. For one I'm not all mentally stable, I suffer from bulimia, borderline personality disorder, and depression. Even with him controlling my eating habits has triggered a lot of my eating disorder behaviors.


OK, here is where the red flags begin to fly. If he is not specifically trained to handle someone with mental problems, then he has no business attempting to try. Look, I suffer from mental illness too, and I deliberately stayed away from relationships until I got my feet on the ground and got some control over my own life. You already know if it is healthy for someone to have that sort of control over you... your illness has been triggered by it... do you think you need to know more?

quote:

I feel almost like he would change everything about me. Make me into the person he wants me to be.


Then he needs a love doll, not a human being. When I began my relationship with my slut, I started working with her to change things she wanted to change so she could become the woman she wanted to be. She has grown so much and has overcome a lot in the year we have been together. I am proud of her, and her submission to me as a result is more than I could ask for. I want a person and a relationship, not a doormat.

quote:

I just have all these doubts, and I'm torn. I want to do what's best for me but I don't know what that would be.


I am sure you have doubts and you are emotionally torn over this. You know what is best for you, and if you do not know what is best for you, then neither does he. I am not bashing him so please do not misunderstand. I make no judgments other than what you have said he wants to do with you. Get your life under control first and foremost. Let the relationship build, and if he is impatient and does not want to wait, then you have your answer... if he waits, is patient, caring, understanding, supportive, and concerned for your well being, then you have a winner. At that point, go for it.

quote:

I'm just scared to tell him how I feel because I told him this is what I wanted for so long and now I'm not so sure. I just don't want to disappoint him.


If you cannot communicate with him about how you feel, then you have a serious problem on your hands. If you cannot tell him now about how you feel, how do you expect to feel free to tell him when you are suffering from your illness? I think the wisest move is to tell him and let him decide for himself if he is disappointed or not. Your own stability, and life are far more important than his feelings.

Be honest with yourself first, then be honest with him. If he rejects you for being honest with him, then he is not worth the effort to get upset over losing him. If he is genuinely concerned about you, he will drop the "I'm super dominant" act and begin to recognize that you are a person with some serious problems and he will do whatever it takes to help you along on the road to wellness. Take care of you.

Best of luck to you.




Redheadedgirl123 -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/9/2014 11:48:15 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Wait a sec. How much have you shared with him about your eating disorder and other issues?

If he's unaware, then you're not giving him the insight he needs to do the job. If he knows the effects of what he's doing and doesn't care, run.


I told him somewhat, and I think he thinks he's helping me by me eating healthy and working out so I feel like I don't have to purge and restrict to lose weight. I think he's trying to help, but he's not at all.



subrosaDom -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/10/2014 12:42:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Wait a sec. How much have you shared with him about your eating disorder and other issues?

If he's unaware, then you're not giving him the insight he needs to do the job. If he knows the effects of what he's doing and doesn't care, run.


I told him somewhat, and I think he thinks he's helping me by me eating healthy and working out so I feel like I don't have to purge and restrict to lose weight. I think he's trying to help, but he's not at all.


Although I tend to be loquacious, there is little I can add to what everyone has said, GoddessManko, Trinity, and Gauge in particular, since you have answered Dark Steven's question in the affirmative. You really, really, really need to listen to them. Good luck to you.



DarkSteven -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/10/2014 4:19:23 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Wait a sec. How much have you shared with him about your eating disorder and other issues?

If he's unaware, then you're not giving him the insight he needs to do the job. If he knows the effects of what he's doing and doesn't care, run.


I told him somewhat, and I think he thinks he's helping me by me eating healthy and working out so I feel like I don't have to purge and restrict to lose weight. I think he's trying to help, but he's not at all.


This answer bothers me.

1. You told him "somewhat" implies that you told him some, but not everything. I understand that a lot about ED and other compulsive destructive behaviors is hiding it, but this is different. He's your Master and needs 100% disclosure.

2. There are too many "thinks" in your statement. That shows guessing what's going on in the other's head. This is a life-and-death issue, and needs better communication.

Even without those specific issues, I think that you two are rushing it. Add to that the fact that you're both new and there's a five hour drive that makes interactions less frequent, and you're rushing it even more.

Now, then, let's ignore the specific issue and look at overall compatibility. You want to be a sub, he wants to be a Dom, and you say you really like him. There are two issues - one is that he's so new he's doing stupid stuff, and the other is that you'd need to relocate to move things to the next level.

It doesn't sound that bad a deal to me if he's flexible.

Understand that even experienced slaves have escape clauses if serious damage would be a possibility. One simple example is a slave who is ordered to do a fifteen minute task. She informs her Master that she has something cooking on the stove that requires her oversight. Should she defer the task, turn off the stove, or what?

In your case, you have some issues that I would recommend not relinquishing control over, at least not right away. BPD and ED both involve you not losing control and as such work against M/s relationships. So while it's tempting to allow you to retain control over those areas, I suggest instead that you do FULL informing him of what's going on, and that you accept his input in those areas, and then you make the final decisions. You being transparent will be very tough for you, but it's necessary if you want a Dom. If he's flexible enough to agree to this arrangement, it will be a good step for him. In short, this has the possibility of being a healthy growth situation for both of you.

Summing up:

1. Even slaves can have hard limits and raise objections as necessary. I recommend that you not relinquish decision making over diet and exercise to him, at least not for a few years.

2. It sounds like he's somewhat unaware of the issues you're facing. Since you two live 250 miles away and have some issues with communication, that's no surprise.

I don't recommend breaking things off, but I do recommend rethinking and reworking the relationship.



Redheadedgirl123 -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/10/2014 8:16:26 AM)

Thank you everyone so much! All your answers have helped me a lot. I decided to send him an email and tell him how I feel. I haven't got any response from him yet. Tell me what you think.

David,

I don't really know where to begin all of this but I'm just going to come out and say it.

I honestly don't think I want to be a slave. I don't think it's healthy for me right now. I think I'm realizing it now because it's becoming very much more real.

I'm not really mentally stable. I have very, very low self esteem. And I'll be honest, and I know this isn't your intention what so ever, but some of your methods have been very triggering for me. I've relapsed a lot in these past weeks and have lost about 15 pounds. I haven't ate in about 3 days. Again, not blaming you what so ever, but you punishing me for not working out and telling me what kind of foods to eat is very triggering for me.

I've felt very poorly about myself for the last few weeks and just don't feel like I'm good enough for you at all. I feel like you're trying to mold me into this person you want- not who I really am.


The thought of you controlling so much appealed to me at first, but now since it's actually starting to happen I feel trapped. And if I was actually your live in slave it would be even worse.

All in all, I'm submissive. I don't think I'm mentally stable enough to be a slave- right now or maybe even ever. If anything diving into this is just going to be a negative affect on my mental health.

So that's where I stand. I know you want a slave. I know that's what you desire. So I understand if this ends right now. I want you to have what you want. But, I just don't know if I can be that person.

I also sent him an additional email this morning after reading some of your guys other posts.

Also I guess I should add I do want to continue things with you just slow down a little.... Or maybe more communication would help.

I just don't think I'm ready for such a strong commitment.

I guess I'm leaving it up to you for where you want to go with this.



SeekingTrinity -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/10/2014 8:53:54 AM)

I think you are very brave and should be proud of yourself. He isn't a bad guy. He just doesn't know how to help you in a way that doesn't start triggering issues you struggle with. Good on you for speaking up and knowing what is best for your recovery.



SweetnStormySub -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/10/2014 9:06:26 AM)

I am really impressed by your letter...and I don't impress easily! You showed yourself to be thoughtful, articulate, and very honest. It took great courage on your part, and I commend you on your intestinal fortitude, sis *hugs*

Now, take the next step and focus in Y-O-U and your well-being.



DarkSteven -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/10/2014 9:21:12 AM)

I hate to be critical, but if I were David, I would assume that you want to break up. I'd recommend writing something that is generally positive, tries to keep things going, and specifically deals with the problem area. Like


Hi, David.

I want to say that I really enjoy being your submissive. But there are a few areas I think would be good for us to work on. I'm having some issues and want to work with you to resolve them. As we're moving ahead and it's becoming more real, I've noticed the issues.

I have an eating disorder. I've had it for XX years. It took me a while to bring it under control. And when I tried some of your methods, it's caused problems, such as me not eating in three days and relapsing and losing 15 pounds in the past few weeks.

While I do value and want to keep our relationship, I'd like to propose a change, that my eating and exercise regimens be changed so that I inform you of what I'm doing, but will decide for myself what the best course of action will be. Of course, I will want and value your input, but right now I feel like making changes here will cause me a lot of anxiety and possibly derail the progress I've made over the last few years.

I still love the idea of you controlling me, and I do not want to give that up altogether, just change the dynamic in this one area. I suppose that it's natural as we try things, some hing will work and some won't, and we should have what it takes to get through the rough spots.

I've felt very poorly about myself for the last few weeks and just don't feel like I'm good enough for you at all. I don't like this feeling, and want to get back to how I felt before.

I know you want a slave. I know that's what you desire. Could we still go ahead and see if there's a way you can get what you want, and I can still feel safe?

I'll understand if you want to end things, but I'd want to know that we worked like hell to make it work first.

Also, I've given you my feelings at this point. Could you share some of yours?



SinFix -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/10/2014 9:26:35 AM)

Sorry Steven but I don't agree. Your use of the word "assume" is the key, in this relationship if he assumes something without communication and asking what she means then the whole thing is doomed to fail anyways.

As for the OP, I find it very thorough in wear your mind is heading with the relationship and pointing out the current issues that are coming out in you.



littleladybug -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/10/2014 10:11:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123


I thought I wanted that... But the more and more I think about it I don't know if I do.




IMHO, this is the most telling part of what you have said. I understand the position of having all of these things to share, and having the burdens, and not quite knowing what to do with them, or for me, who to trust with them.

I am of a mixed mind about setting out everything at this point. On the one hand, him knowing some, but not all, of the issues is a recipe for disaster. It sounds like he's trying to do what he thinks best, and that's not working. But, on the other hand, I understand the trepidation and hesitation to share it all at this point. I mean, one of two things are going to happen...he'll bail (which will feed into the poor self-image) or he'll stay (which will feed into the BPD). (Sure, there are other possible outcomes...I'm just speaking from my own perspective here...)

From what you have shared here, it does sound like his heart is in the right place...and IMO, you DO need to share with him that his plans are not working. As far as I know, there are no set rules for *any* relationship, including D/s type ones. So, it's not necessary to think that this is the "be all/end all" of the relationship. IMO, you need to take time to work on you....but you should also give him the opportunity to join you in the journey if that's what you both want. No, he's not going to "fix" you...but I'll tell you from personal experience how beneficial it is to have a true cheerleader in your corner. *s*

As someone who has been in a similar position, I would suggest *not* to focus so much on the "I know this is what you want and I can't deliver" aspect of it. Set it out, and let him come to you. I've been surprised by people's reactions when I have done this. If he goes, he goes....but don't prejudge it. I have someone in my life now who I was sure would only accept a Master/slave relationship from day one. Turns out that he was quite flexible. I was amazed.

Finally, I would suggest letting the intricacies of what you are dealing with come out organically. Yes, he, like any partner, is deserving of honesty and full disclosure...but no one says that this has to happen today, tomorrow or next week. Set out now what you feel comfortable in, and give him the opportunity to surprise and amaze you. *s* You are not "damaged"...you are you. And, honestly, he sounds like he accepts it.



GoddessManko -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/10/2014 11:17:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug


quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123


I thought I wanted that... But the more and more I think about it I don't know if I do.




IMHO, this is the most telling part of what you have said. I understand the position of having all of these things to share, and having the burdens, and not quite knowing what to do with them, or for me, who to trust with them.

I am of a mixed mind about setting out everything at this point. On the one hand, him knowing some, but not all, of the issues is a recipe for disaster. It sounds like he's trying to do what he thinks best, and that's not working. But, on the other hand, I understand the trepidation and hesitation to share it all at this point. I mean, one of two things are going to happen...he'll bail (which will feed into the poor self-image) or he'll stay (which will feed into the BPD). (Sure, there are other possible outcomes...I'm just speaking from my own perspective here...)

From what you have shared here, it does sound like his heart is in the right place...and IMO, you DO need to share with him that his plans are not working. As far as I know, there are no set rules for *any* relationship, including D/s type ones. So, it's not necessary to think that this is the "be all/end all" of the relationship. IMO, you need to take time to work on you....but you should also give him the opportunity to join you in the journey if that's what you both want. No, he's not going to "fix" you...but I'll tell you from personal experience how beneficial it is to have a true cheerleader in your corner. *s*

As someone who has been in a similar position, I would suggest *not* to focus so much on the "I know this is what you want and I can't deliver" aspect of it. Set it out, and let him come to you. I've been surprised by people's reactions when I have done this. If he goes, he goes....but don't prejudge it. I have someone in my life now who I was sure would only accept a Master/slave relationship from day one. Turns out that he was quite flexible. I was amazed.

Finally, I would suggest letting the intricacies of what you are dealing with come out organically. Yes, he, like any partner, is deserving of honesty and full disclosure...but no one says that this has to happen today, tomorrow or next week. Set out now what you feel comfortable in, and give him the opportunity to surprise and amaze you. *s* You are not "damaged"...you are you. And, honestly, he sounds like he accepts it.


littleladybug made some killer points there. Internalizing is hard, and it is nice to be able to share good and bad with your other. I am amazed at your fortitude to hold out so well for so long despite the very strong dynamic you currently share. I like the fact that DS eliminated a lot of the "darker" parts of your feelings in your letter, so he doesn't think you're a ticking time bomb. Men are sensitive to such things and such sentiments can be misconstrued. We ALL have our ups and downs.

Personally I hate sharing with people, In my experience it is pointless and unpleasant and their response is usually just idiotic. Once they realize I'm not all tits and ass but a person with feelings, it's suddenly "TOO REAL".
Sometimes all you need to hear are words of consolation, not a rant about how it will complicate someone you may or may not engage's life. Disengaging is ALWAYS an option.
Not being able to open up though, is isolating, but it gives greater strength, and the more you share, the more you realize you are better off alone or in a vanilla relationship where a man can actually empathize than to have kink and shallow thrills satiated, naught more. And I'm EXTREMELY HAPPY alone, less complications. Life has ups and downs but my life has been a greater journey than I could ask, and I'm grateful.
You need to love you and know you deserve to be happy, we all do, it is fundamental, whether D, s or vanilla. We are all happier in a dynamic but it shouldn't make or break us.
Having someone in your corner in good times and bad, not just for cheap thrills is a core part of any relationship. This was great advice and hopefully you now have the courage to lay your cards on the table. Take it; he's a keeper. Leave it; he didn't care as much as you previously thought. Detach or friend zone...but definitely address things ASAP in a format that is comfortable for you and him. Best of luck!



Redheadedgirl123 -> RE: Becoming a slave... (10/10/2014 11:23:20 AM)

Okay he replied, he basically said that this wasn't the end of us, he said he knows he pushed me hard and maybe it was too much. He said for us to take a few days to reflect and think which I think is a good idea. We still have plans to meet up on the 18th.

He was super nice about everything which was good.

But I guess there's a part of me that doesn't know if continuing a bdsm relationship is healthy. I told my therapist about it and she told me that it's not healthy for me at all.

So basically what I'm asking is do you think I could still have the problems I do and have a relationship like this? Or should this kind of thing only be for people who are more mentally stable?



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