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Disrespect - 10/17/2014 10:39:29 AM

daykoper

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Joined: 7/2/2014
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How does one handle disrespect from your baby girl?

The last couple days my girl has been getting into arguments with her "best" friend about me and how she (the friend) doesn't approve of me. Just to give you an idea, we have been together about three years so far. With out going into to many other details about the situation, it caused my girl to disrespect my wishes, which were basically "don't go to her house where she's going to strong arm you". Which she did anyway, even after I left to give them space to talk. Granted, I am a Dom, but im not an uber Dom and there are few things i ask of my girl, so when she didn't listen to me it hurt, i feel totally disrespected by my girl, and extremely disrespected by the friend. I try to nurture her and get her to stand up for herself and what she believes, but its difficult.

Anyone else have a similar experience?

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RE: Disrespect - 10/17/2014 10:53:46 AM

littleladybug

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Give us the Cliffs Notes of the issue.

In my experience, "disrespect" doesn't come out of nowhere, especially after 3 years.

(in reply to daykoper)

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RE: Disrespect - 10/17/2014 10:59:35 AM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
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Clearly her friendship is important to her.
Perhaps see if her friend has some real reasons to not trust you.
I've always through him asking me to not see my friends was really crossing a line and in general, I would exercise my right to leave him. I'm not saying that's whats happening, but without more of the situation to look at, I'm suspecting she doesn't respect that boundary for a reason.
It sounds like you need to sit down and ask her what is going on, figure out what is making the relationship not work, and what you can do and what she can do to repair it.

(in reply to littleladybug)

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RE: Disrespect - 10/17/2014 11:02:41 AM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: daykoper

How does one handle disrespect from your baby girl?

The last couple days my girl has been getting into arguments with her "best" friend about me and how she (the friend) doesn't approve of me. Just to give you an idea, we have been together about three years so far. With out going into to many other details about the situation, it caused my girl to disrespect my wishes, which were basically "don't go to her house where she's going to strong arm you". Which she did anyway, even after I left to give them space to talk. Granted, I am a Dom, but im not an uber Dom and there are few things i ask of my girl, so when she didn't listen to me it hurt, i feel totally disrespected by my girl, and extremely disrespected by the friend. I try to nurture her and get her to stand up for herself and what she believes, but its difficult.

Anyone else have a similar experience?

Long ago, right before "Goodbye!"

(in reply to daykoper)

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RE: Disrespect - 10/17/2014 11:14:34 AM

AbsoluteOverlord

Posts: 13
Joined: 12/26/2004
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To disrespect someone is to act in an insulting way toward them. When you disrespect people, you think very little of them.

lack of respect, scorn, disregard, disdain, discourtesy

Why would you even want to stay with someone who thinks very little of you?

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RE: Disrespect - 10/17/2014 11:15:02 AM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: daykoper

How does one handle disrespect from your baby girl?

That depends on the infraction.

quote:

The last couple days my girl has been getting into arguments with her "best" friend about me and how she (the friend) doesn't approve of me.

Has her friend been around all this time during the three years you have been in this relationship? Has her disapproval been an ongoing thing or is it something new?

quote:

With out going into to many other details about the situation, it caused my girl to disrespect my wishes, which were basically "don't go to her house where she's going to strong arm you". Which she did anyway, even after I left to give them space to talk.

You may need to go into more detail as the thread progresses, the fact that you are saying that there are "many other details about the situation" is implying that there is more going on behind the scenes that may be pertinent to your question.

Are you saying that you told your partner not to go to her best friend's home and she went anyway? If she went on her own, why did you have to leave to give them space to talk? If you went with her, then you are sending a desperately mixed message to your partner, you disapprove of her going over to her friend's house, yet you accompany your partner to go there and then leave to allow them to talk.

quote:

Granted, I am a Dom, but im not an uber Dom and there are few things i ask of my girl, so when she didn't listen to me it hurt, i feel totally disrespected by my girl, and extremely disrespected by the friend.

Bah, your dominance has fuckall to do with this. Take the BDSM out of the problem for the moment, this is a relationship problem.

I have news for you, you are not owed respect by the friend. She is not the one you are involved with, nor is she the one that you should be concerned about. Your relationship with your partner is the thing that is vital, your BDSM dynamic is secondary.

quote:

I try to nurture her and get her to stand up for herself and what she believes, but its difficult.

As well you should, and it is not easy to do.

This situation is screaming to me that you aren't explaining the entire problem. If your relationship is fine with your partner, why should either of you care what anyone else thinks about it? As far as your partner goes, telling the friend, "I know that you do not like him, but it is my decision to be a in a relationship with him, and I wish you would respect me enough to not argue with me about it." may be sufficient enough to get her to back down.

Maybe all three of you sit down and hash this out, like adults... you know, talking and stuff, not yelling and screaming.

I still think that you are reserving critical information, but that is your right to do so, but if you don't paint a better picture, the answers given may be more vague than anything.

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RE: Disrespect - 10/17/2014 8:16:42 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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So you want her to stand up for herself. But just with others, not with you.

She's doing what you encouraged her to do, stand up for herself. Do what she needs.

And she needs to feel that she still has friends. That you haven't chased them all away.

I would ask why her friend is worried about her. Why you haven't shown her friends that she's happier with you? That her love and happiness is increased with you. Because her best friend didn't get this low opinion of you out of thin air. What have you done to make her friends feel they need to rescue her from you?

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RE: Disrespect - 10/17/2014 8:43:36 PM

NoyaQB

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Talk to the "friend". And solve the issue without your babygirl. Take controle
Over the situation that your babygirl created. And be the leader that she "need/wants/yurns w/e.
If not than your babygirl is done with you. Sooner or later... You choose.

Disrespect. You are using the wrong word.

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NoyaQB
None of yours asshole
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(in reply to DesFIP)

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RE: Disrespect - 10/17/2014 9:27:23 PM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NoyaQB

Talk to the "friend". And solve the issue without your babygirl. Take controle
Over the situation that your babygirl created. And be the leader that she "need/wants/yurns w/e.
If not than your babygirl is done with you. Sooner or later... You choose.

Disrespect. You are using the wrong word.

I disagree. The crucial relationship is between OP an dhis girl. he needs to be able to resolve problems directly with her.

Sit down with her. Explain to her that you feel that you should be respected more. Ask her where the disrespect is coming from, and get it in a journal entry. (If it's in writing, it'll likely become an argument.

Then read it and think about it. Are her points legitimate? Are there issues you should deal with? Is it lies that her friend is giving her?

Basically, you need to figure out WHY these are issues, and then deal with them.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Disrespect - 10/18/2014 3:26:08 AM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
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One of my hard limits is that my Dom has no say how I manage my relationships with friends and family. This is because my friends and family did not consent to having his power over their relationship with me and because I consider it unhealthy for a Dom to be interjecting in my other social support networks. It can lead to bad situations where a Dom gets a sub to minimise contact with her friends and family because it suits him, but has a negative effect on the sub, both during and after their D/s relationship.

In this situation you feel that you ought to be able to use your power to deny this other person contact with your sub, thus 'winning' the battle over her. But your sub is not a thing to be battled over, she is a person with her own needs, friends and hopes. It is for her to manage this dispute with the other person, not you to control it through your sub. What's more, you are not entitled to demand or expect 'respect' from someone who is not in any kind of a relationship with you.

If your sub truly loves you and wants to be with you, then she will either negotiate an amicable truce, whereby the friend doesn't criticise you and you don't criticise the friend, or she will begin to see this person's friendship as negative and over-controlling and end it. If this other person can enable your sub to leave you or rethink you, then your sub doesn't love you enough to begin with, and no amount of controlling behaviour on your part is going to overcome that.

It is never a good idea to be the one saying 'me or her' because you are forcing your sub to cut at least one person she loves out of her life. If she is hurt enough by the request, the person that she cuts may be you, so you are jeopardising your own relationship with her. Either way, it is a much stronger position to say 'I love you, I trust you, I will be here for you regardless of what decision you make' so that she can consider her relationship with you to be a safe, secure space that she can access while she tries to deal with her problem with the friend.

Don't make it them or you, make it you+your sub and them. It will empower both your sub and you.

(in reply to daykoper)

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