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Impact play - 10/24/2014 11:27:55 AM   
MojoDaddyMarine


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/17/2014
Status: offline 		I am curious, are there any of you when you first discovered the D/s dynamic with your Dom/Master, you were not too [partial to the "impact" play, as far as being spanked? Of course a punishment spanking and an erotic use of different implements are two different things, my new sub only relates spankings to the harsh punishments she received as a child from her grandmother, who was a strict disciplinarian. I have started her on a program of maintenance spankings hoping to bring her to appreciate the impact play erotically, yet its been a short time and have seen no marked improvement in her nature when it comes to receiving marks or taking a spanking for what ever reason. I guess I am curious if there are any submissive here who have had a background starting the same where they learned to love the attention they were given through spankings?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Impact play - 10/24/2014 11:32:14 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		I love impact play, but my love of it stems from different reasons, not to mention that I am more hard core than your girl most likely is.

It sounds as if the spankings are triggering responses long buried. It may be that she will never come to appreciate them in the way that you want her to. That's something that you are going to have to take into account.

Instead of using spankings in the way that you have been, try introducing her to them casually. Smack her ass when she walks by you; then rub it. Things like that. If she still can not come to enjoy them without the memory; then you are just going to have to accept that her triggers are bigger than your intent.

Sorry.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to MojoDaddyMarine)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Impact play - 10/24/2014 11:57:16 AM   
Miyani


Posts: 248
Joined: 12/4/2007
Status: offline 		My boy has... really, really awful associations with being hit. Similar to the ones your girl has, but instead of "disciplinarian grandmother," think "abusive, alcoholic father." But he is a masochist. So in the beginning, I'd get him good and spacey with other kinds of pain play - claws, hair pulling, stuff like that - and then some swats (graduating to slaps and light punches later on). I always asked him why I was hitting him. And the answer he knew to give was "because I am a good boy, and because you love me." The things we say, we internalize, and so he was able to re-write that script for himself with my help.

That said, he started as a masochist. He wanted to learn to enjoy that kind of play. It's not something I imposed on him. Is it something your girl wants? Is pain something she enjoys in other forms?

Perhaps most importantly, why is it so important and necessary to you that you be able to spank her?

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Impact play - 10/24/2014 12:01:16 PM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline 		I am currently going through a lot of similar issues.

My background is different, and I won't get into it on here, but suffice it to say, that there are certain things that he does that trigger awful responses. I will say, from my perspective, that I appreciate when he backs off. It shows me that he "gets it" (as much as he can)...but more, that he respects it. What has meant the most *to me* is when he has backed off, and then told me "you let me know when you are ready". IMO, doing anything to force the issue will just backfire on you. And, letting her know what your intent is with the spankings, yet giving her the "power" to dictate when the time is right will benefit both of you. I am going under the assumption that she wants to please you, but is having issues with *this*. If she knows, and believes, that you get it, and that you will be with her, whether or not you are ever able again to give her a spanking...it will go a long way.

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Impact play - 10/24/2014 2:10:56 PM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline 		No I loved the impact play. In fact, I preferred the s&m to the D/s and it took me a long while to do impact play for any reason other than enjoyment.

My guess is that your partner is a sub, not a masochist. I'm not sure you can make one into the other; if you have a strong love for s&m, it may be better for you to partner up with a masochist, rather than a submissive.

(in reply to MojoDaddyMarine)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Impact play - 10/24/2014 2:27:05 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MojoDaddyMarine

I am curious, are there any of you when you first discovered the D/s dynamic with your Dom/Master, you were not too [partial to the "impact" play, as far as being spanked? Of course a punishment spanking and an erotic use of different implements are two different things, my new sub only relates spankings to the harsh punishments she received as a child from her grandmother, who was a strict disciplinarian. I have started her on a program of maintenance spankings hoping to bring her to appreciate the impact play erotically, yet its been a short time and have seen no marked improvement in her nature when it comes to receiving marks or taking a spanking for what ever reason. I guess I am curious if there are any submissive here who have had a background starting the same where they learned to love the attention they were given through spankings?


Slow down and be patient. You're trying to overcome abuse, and that leaves deep scars.

Give her sessions without spanking. Put her in position, bare her bottom, and then talk with her. Stroke her. Tell her jokes. Give her cookies or a soda. You need to create as many non-punishment memories and feelings as possible while she's open to you.

Your goal is to have her associate spankings with non-abuse. To do that, you'll likely need several sessions to do so. She'll be stiffened and upset the first half dozen or so times.

Make sure she knows that you want to bring her to being comfortable, that you're willing to be patient, and that you're enjoying your non-spanking sessions with her. And give her aftercare afterward - she'll need it.

And appreciate. She's really pushing herself into a scary place to try to please you.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to MojoDaddyMarine)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Impact play - 10/24/2014 3:02:22 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		I came from a background of harsh beatings from parents as a child.

Till today, I still shudder at the cane being used, will tolerate it but will have very little pain tolerance for it, but I do enjoy whips and belts and can get orgasms from it.

And the thing is, for me to enjoy it, the dom must hit me for his pleasure and not for my punishment.

I never do punishment dynamic. It would completely suck out the enjoyment and make me resent the dom.

It's just very unloving, and I don't like anybody who thinks they got the right to punish me.

So my x-dom always heaps loads of praises on me, when I take his spankings, and tell me how much that turned him on and how please he is and what a good girl I am to be able to take all that. And then he'll reward me with forced orgasms which I absolutely love. The whole conditioning is always like that, spanking is positive and comes with more rewards.

See, it's different he does it to me, because he loves it, not because his punishing me. And it motivates me to enjoy it.



< Message edited by Greta75 -- 10/24/2014 3:06:51 PM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Impact play - 10/25/2014 8:19:16 AM   
MojoDaddyMarine


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/17/2014
Status: offline 		Great feedback from all. No I am not a sadist, and do not need the impact play, though part of me finds it appealing that she wants desperately to please me and willing to take what I give her. I guess what I was curious most was is it possible to bring her to a point where she craves or enjoys impact play, I guess patience and time will tell.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Impact play - 10/25/2014 5:23:18 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		I am pretty sure you are asking if any non masochist submissives have become a sexual masochist, learning to enjoy erotic spankings and such. By my experience, the answer is yes because pain is an emotional response. As you mentioned, she has ingrained childhood emotions about spanking. So it is not a matter of physical conditioning (training), like lots of spankings, that will shift her paradigm. It is what is going on in her head that counts. Physical conditioning can only desensitize her to it, modifying her threshold, not her emotional response. She can learn to tolerate it but it won't make it an erotic experience.

Sometimes I paint a mental picture, I explain what is sexy about it from my point of view. I get them to see it through my eyes. Then I step into their head and show them how to breath, how to relax and lean into it instead of tense up in anticipation. I explain the waves of sensations that flow through their body and how those sensations can be erotic, have them follow the waves with their mind as they travel down into their crotch... and especially the pudendal nerve (spanking) can be very erotic for most people.

More on this at: http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=4742358

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to MojoDaddyMarine)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Impact play - 10/26/2014 5:42:00 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		No, I still have no interest in pain play. Nor does he have much.

If you do want to show her that pain can be erotic, then the last thing you should be doing is bringing back unpleasant memories every time.

Don't do any spankings. Do things that she has no bad associations with. Light nipple torture while you're stimulating her. But don't present this as punishment, have it be for fun only.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Impact play - 10/26/2014 5:54:43 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven


quote:

ORIGINAL: MojoDaddyMarine

I am curious, are there any of you when you first discovered the D/s dynamic with your Dom/Master, you were not too [partial to the "impact" play, as far as being spanked? Of course a punishment spanking and an erotic use of different implements are two different things, my new sub only relates spankings to the harsh punishments she received as a child from her grandmother, who was a strict disciplinarian. I have started her on a program of maintenance spankings hoping to bring her to appreciate the impact play erotically, yet its been a short time and have seen no marked improvement in her nature when it comes to receiving marks or taking a spanking for what ever reason. I guess I am curious if there are any submissive here who have had a background starting the same where they learned to love the attention they were given through spankings?


Slow down and be patient. You're trying to overcome abuse, and that leaves deep scars.

Give her sessions without spanking. Put her in position, bare her bottom, and then talk with her. Stroke her. Tell her jokes. Give her cookies or a soda. You need to create as many non-punishment memories and feelings as possible while she's open to you.

Your goal is to have her associate spankings with non-abuse. To do that, you'll likely need several sessions to do so. She'll be stiffened and upset the first half dozen or so times.

Make sure she knows that you want to bring her to being comfortable, that you're willing to be patient, and that you're enjoying your non-spanking sessions with her. And give her aftercare afterward - she'll need it.

And appreciate. She's really pushing herself into a scary place to try to please you.


^ This post melted my heart.
Listen to DS.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Impact play - 10/27/2014 12:30:42 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

No, I still have no interest in pain play. Nor does he have much.

If you do want to show her that pain can be erotic, then the last thing you should be doing is bringing back unpleasant memories every time.

Don't do any spankings. Do things that she has no bad associations with. Light nipple torture while you're stimulating her. But don't present this as punishment, have it be for fun only.

OP, you say that you are "not a sadist, and do not need the impact play" so why in Gawd's name are you spanking your sub, unrequested? You've given no indication that this is for punishment, either. It makes no sense for your sub to seek to please you with something that is unpleasant for her because you have some kind of notion, perhaps, that this is what Doms are supposed to do?

It's apparent that this hare-brained approach of yours isn't working, and instead of deepening trust with your sub, I believe this will backfire on you in the long run (which it sounds like it's already doing). There are plenty of other things you can be doing with your sub which the both of you can enjoy together. Your fixation with spanking, from which neither of you are deriving any pleasure, just needs to stop IMO.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Impact play - 10/27/2014 7:45:00 AM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MojoDaddyMarine

though part of me finds it appealing that she wants desperately to please me and willing to take what I give her.


This, to me, is the key part of everything you have said. You know that she has this mindset, and it is up to you to use that information wisely.

I would HIGHLY suggest not having any sort of illusions that you can "get in her head" and change her. Any changes that might come will be as the result of your own personal relationship, not any "magic Domly words or actions" that you might read or hear about.


quote:

ORIGINAL: MojoDaddyMarine
I guess what I was curious most was is it possible to bring her to a point where she craves or enjoys impact play, I guess patience and time will tell.


Perhaps open the book past the first page of chapter 1 and see if there are other types of impact play that the two of you can mutually enjoy?



(in reply to MojoDaddyMarine)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Impact play - 1/8/2015 7:20:39 PM   
justlittleme


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/14/2006
Status: offline 		I've had a lot of issues with spanking because of the way I was raised, but I love impact play. One Dominant gave me an open-handed spanking that was set to music. That was intense and very enjoyable. If you wanted to sexualize the spanking, play with her lady parts, between swats.

(in reply to littleladybug)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Impact play - 1/9/2015 8:37:21 AM   
preytolife


Posts: 138
Joined: 11/29/2010
From: LaLa Land
Status: offline 		When I got involved in my first BDSM relationship a few years ago I wasn't into impact or sadomasochism at all. I was introduced through floggers and I have learned to love them. I still don't love spanking the way some people claim to. People have told me that it feels good when done the right way, blah blah blah and I don't get it. Spanking appeals to me in terms of wanting to cry and physical domination but as I've experienced them I will never love them. Spanking with the intent to cause pain is far too jarring and it's not particularly erotic.

If she has bad experiences with spanking and negative associations then she may never love them. My only suggestions would be trying it without any force. Groping, love taps, etc. Play with her ass but don't make it a chore. Make it fun, playful, tickle her in the middle.

Pretty much anything said to me with the word "maintenance" before it sounds pretty unpleasant.

_____________________________

"No man is so good as to be free from all evil, nor so bad as to be worth nothing." - Norse Proverb

(in reply to justlittleme)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Impact play - 1/9/2015 10:35:20 AM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MojoDaddyMarine
I am not a sadist, and do not need the impact play


So if you don't need it, and she doesn't want it - then why do it?

I sense some unexamined motivations here. You say you're not a sadist but your actions suggest otherwise; wanting to hit someone, hitting someone on a daily basis and wanting them to crave being hit - if it's not sadism, then what is it?

Not that there's anything wrong with sadism, of course. I just think that she is not the only one who needs to examine their thoughts about spanking.

(in reply to MojoDaddyMarine)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Impact play - 1/10/2015 4:07:51 AM   
SweetForDaddy


Posts: 167
Joined: 5/17/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Slow down and be patient. You're trying to overcome abuse, and that leaves deep scars.

Give her sessions without spanking. Put her in position, bare her bottom, and then talk with her. Stroke her. Tell her jokes. Give her cookies or a soda. You need to create as many non-punishment memories and feelings as possible while she's open to you.

Your goal is to have her associate spankings with non-abuse. To do that, you'll likely need several sessions to do so. She'll be stiffened and upset the first half dozen or so times.

Make sure she knows that you want to bring her to being comfortable, that you're willing to be patient, and that you're enjoying your non-spanking sessions with her. And give her aftercare afterward - she'll need it.

And appreciate. She's really pushing herself into a scary place to try to please you.


Perfect

She does have to want to associate the pain though and try. I like doing that personally. Sexual stimulation breaks help too!

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Impact play - 1/10/2015 11:02:47 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The op is coming off as an emotional sadist by focusing on doing things to her that trigger negative memories and emotions.
Has she agreed that you get to have your fun by fucking her up? Have you agreed to help pay for therapy needed to address the original abuse as well as the abuse you're dishing out now?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to SweetForDaddy)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Impact play - 1/10/2015 11:49:05 AM   
LiveSpark


Posts: 808
Joined: 12/25/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

No, I still have no interest in pain play. Nor does he have much.

If you do want to show her that pain can be erotic, then the last thing you should be doing is bringing back unpleasant memories every time.

Don't do any spankings. Do things that she has no bad associations with. Light nipple torture while you're stimulating her. But don't present this as punishment, have it be for fun only.

OP, you say that you are "not a sadist, and do not need the impact play" so why in Gawd's name are you spanking your sub, unrequested? You've given no indication that this is for punishment, either. It makes no sense for your sub to seek to please you with something that is unpleasant for her because you have some kind of notion, perhaps, that this is what Doms are supposed to do?

It's apparent that this hare-brained approach of yours isn't working, and instead of deepening trust with your sub, I believe this will backfire on you in the long run (which it sounds like it's already doing). There are plenty of other things you can be doing with your sub which the both of you can enjoy together. Your fixation with spanking, from which neither of you are deriving any pleasure, just needs to stop IMO.


I agree with this 100%. There are so many other things you could be doing, why stick with the one thing that brings back past trauma. Given that she seems to want to please you she may well be tolerating these spanking while being further traumatized. Isn't it better to find something both of you enjoy NOW than to risk making her trauma worse. Is it really worth the risk of damaging her further?


_____________________________

I've been here as MontrealPhoenix, zephyr and
TheFireWithinMe.

I also have the sarcasm gene which is NOT to be taken seriously.

If you fall I'll always be there to catch you ~ Floor

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 19
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