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MariaB -> RE: Tolerating mental instability to get your freak on (10/26/2014 1:45:34 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Gauge
What I do not understand is the statement: When you know someone well, you are far more likely to be accepting of their depression than if you meet someone for the first time who is depressed. You are talking about people dealing with an illness. Why is depression so different than, say, cancer? Why is it easier to accept that someone you know has depression than it is someone you do not know?
Because you don't know that the person you don't know is suffering from depression. You just think they are a bit surly or don't have a sense of humour.
I have another good friend who had a huge brain injury ten years ago. When I was introduced to her 9 years ago I didn't know she'd had a brain injury. She never smiled, not because she was miserable but because her injury had taken away her ability to smile but I didn't know that and when I didn't know that, I thought she was just a person who had no sense of humour.
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The person you don't know that suffers from depression is a person and deserving of people to do their best to see past the illness to the person they really are. I am a musician, one of my bandmates told someone trying out for our band that I had depression and anxiety problems. The guy we were auditioning treated me differently than he did the rest of the band. When we were on break, he said something about my illness to me, and I told him that if all he saw was my illness, then it is his loss. Maybe I am a bit sensitive to this kind of stigmatic reaction, but mental illness is not who these people are, it is what they suffer from.
I'm virtually deaf. I do have a hearing aid but for reasons I'm not going into, I can't always wear it. People who don't know about my lack of hearing problems often think I'm ignorant. If I'm in a crowded room I can't hear all these voices and so I don't join in conversations. When people know I have a problem hearing them they will treat me differently too. Some just talk louder or some people try mouthing words at me as though I'm a bit dense; others just have more patience or know to look me straight in the face when they talk. In my opinion, sometimes its better if people know and sometimes it isn't. What I have to accept is, people will tell others about my problem regardless of me wanting them to or not and people will treat me differently regardless of me wanting them to or not.
As far as depression goes. If I meet someone and they appear to be moody, I tend to move away. If I'm with my bi-polar friend and she's down, I just don't have any expectations that I'm going to cheer her up but thats okay, I don't think any the less of her.
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That is exactly what I am talking about. You see the illness first and not the person... don't worry, you aren't alone, many in the business of treating people with mental illness do the exact same thing, they treat the illness and care little for the person underneath all of the symptoms. I do understand your point a bit better, but I am struggling terribly with how you are differentiating mental illness in people that you know vs. people that you do not know. They deserve a chance just like anyone and while you may not want to involve yourself with someone displaying symptoms of mental illness, they are still people with feelings, hopes, dreams and fears just like you.
When I met my bi-polar friend I had no idea she went through bouts of depression. We were already friends before I knew or witnessed her darker days and her darker days became a part of her but by no means all of her. What you have said is actually very cold and quite hurtful. She is not a charity case and I have never treated her as one.
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Think about what you said about your friend... had she been in the throes of a depressive episode, you would have judged her based on that and cheated yourself out of a great friend. Shame on you for that.
Because I wouldn't of known she was ILL. I wouldn't of known she was BI POLAR... I would of just presumed, wrongly so, that she wasn't a very nice character and I don't invest my time (long term) in unpleasant characters.
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Look, maybe I am being harsh on you because of my own dealings with people who have done what you described here, and I hope you understand that it is not meant with malice or anger, I just believe that your perspective needs an adjustment. When I had my breakdown many years ago, all I was was one big, huge depressed mess, I was difficult to be around and people treated me so differently because of it, when all I wanted to do is be treated like the person I am. I didn't want to be treated differently because of my illness because all that would serve to do is reenforce my depression, and remind me that I was struggling... I needed someone to see me, because I felt as if I was drowning and slipping away... and I needed people to reach out and treat me with the dignity that I deserved.
Where did I say I treated my friend differently? If I treated her with kid gloves or concentrated on her Bi Polar, she would of told me to fuck off long ago. She is just a great friend warts and all. Her ups are great, her downs are bloody awful but I'm not her therapist and I'm not hanging about out of sympathy, I hang around because I love our friendship.
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Maybe I am making more of this than I should... it just touched a nerve. My apology if I upset you.
You are, you have made me out to be something other than what I am and just as you don't appear to understand what I'm saying, I'm having great difficulty comprehending how you got what you did from my words.
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