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Is there any power in a female led relationship WITHOUT... - 11/13/2014 6:43:50 AM

crumpets

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From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
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Is there any power in a female led relationship WITHOUT the sexual dynamic?

In trying to better understand this kink of mine, I have trouble, in my mind, separating sexual from non sexual service.

Logically, I can see the difference, and certainly I am fulfilled by both - but - in my frenzy of ever present erotic desire, fueled by the brain-stupefying urges of testosterone, the drive for sexual-related teasing appears to far outstrip the pure service-oriented service.

Yet, the desire to please should be equal in both sexual and non-sexual roles.

Is this apparent contradiction something I will grow out of (or be trained out of)?
Or, is that epic battle of purpose the norm in all your female-led relationship?

Post #: 1

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/13/2014 8:36:44 AM

Miyani

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Joined: 12/4/2007
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I think, at least in my relationship, there really isn't as much of a division between sexual and non-sexual. Even if he's just loading the dishwasher, if he's doing it because I snarled at him all sexy-like, or because he gets to lick my ass later, it feels sexual. And the things we do during sex give him the warm fuzzies of being owned and loved, so there's a non-sexual component there.

No one gets off on being taken for granted, if there's not some kind of interaction, appreciation, SOMEthing during non-sexual service, it quickly loses its charm. So I'm not sure I think there really is such a thing as non-sexual service, beyond bringing a new cup of tea when the old one is empty, or some such.

(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 2

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/13/2014 10:49:24 AM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crumpets

Is there any power in a female led relationship WITHOUT the sexual dynamic?

In trying to better understand this kink of mine, I have trouble, in my mind, separating sexual from non sexual service.

Logically, I can see the difference, and certainly I am fulfilled by both - but - in my frenzy of ever present erotic desire, fueled by the brain-stupefying urges of testosterone, the drive for sexual-related teasing appears to far outstrip the pure service-oriented service.

Yet, the desire to please should be equal in both sexual and non-sexual roles.

Is this apparent contradiction something I will grow out of (or be trained out of)?
Or, is that epic battle of purpose the norm in all your female-led relationship?

I am going to take a guess that you are either new or have not had success in a BDSM relationship... or both.

A dominant who is confident in themselves and their ability will always have that shine through every moment of every day. Whether it is in the most innocuous of things or the most intense play, the dominance is a presence. For my liking, my slut knows this, and acknowledges this in everything she does. It is largely unspoken, but she knows that if she pleases me in the little things, that her reward will be my attention to her in playtime.

What I did with my slut is captivated her mind, her body had no choice but to fall in line with that. In capturing her mind, it is never far from her thinking and there is always a smouldering sexual undertone to almost everything we do together, or apart. Essentially, the bondage never ends and the teasing never stops. For example, we were talking about our looking forward to spending time together and I simply said to her that I had been in the basement that day and thinking about her while I was there. Her mind did the rest, when all I did was tell the truth, I was in the basement doing laundry and I thought about her... but she concocted another scenario completely, so completely that she asked me when we were going to go in the basement... that was a few months ago, and she still asks... I just smile slightly and say nothing.

Your dynamic is what you both make it.

_____________________________

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I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 3

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/13/2014 12:54:01 PM

crumpets

Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Miyani
No one gets off on being taken for granted, if there's not some kind of interaction, appreciation,

I think that's a key statement.

(in reply to Miyani)

Post #: 4

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/13/2014 3:44:22 PM

NookieNotes

Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
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Yes, of course there is. But that does not mean there has to be, FOR YOU. For me, I don't do kink without a solid relationship and sex. Period. To me, D/s is inherently sexual. It turns me on to be trusted, to be obeyed.

Yes, there are those who serve platonically. That's cool. It does nothing for me. I don't just want service.

That said, my power is not JUST sexual. When I stop my boy from fretting over things, or set him on the right path or end an argument, etc, he loves my power. It turns him on no end.

So, a relationship is based on what YOU and your partner need and want, not what others say is right.

_____________________________

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(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 5

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/16/2014 3:16:56 AM

naturallifestyle

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Joined: 11/16/2014
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Power does not revolve around sexual gratification but embraces a wide spectrum of physical and emotional aspects of human interaction. A female Led Relationship may well be devoid of any and al sex depending upon the particular woman herself and her own wants and needs.

(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 6

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/16/2014 6:00:36 AM

DaddySatyr

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From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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As per usual, Michael is here to stir the pot.

I have found that there is a(n unfortunately large) percentage of men who will do just about anything for the promise of a little pussy. I have seen it all too many times. I've seen it in the vanilla world. I've seen it exhibited by guys who call themselves dominant and it makes me laugh, fit to piss myself.

So, a male submissive, desiring sexual activity, certainly makes it a bit easier for a dominant lady (or dominant man) to control them.

If you're asking if a male can serve a female without ever getting sex, I would say that anything is possible but I'd be willing to bet that those instances are extremely rare.

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

_____________________________

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Post #: 7

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/16/2014 6:51:11 AM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crumpets

Is there any power in a female led relationship WITHOUT the sexual dynamic?
<snip>
Yet, the desire to please should be equal in both sexual and non-sexual roles.

Is this apparent contradiction something I will grow out of (or be trained out of)?
Or, is that epic battle of purpose the norm in all your female-led relationship?

OP, you are confusing having a D/s dynamic with engaging in BDSM activities. They can be intertwined, but they are separate concepts. D/s is a state of being. BDSM practices are a state of doing. Got that?

Being vs. Doing. You and I are human beings, not human doings. This is the first distinction.

The second distinction, is that a D/s power-authority dynamic does not require BDSM, apart from the Disciplinary aspect (and that can be optional as well, such as with some ABs & lg/lb). BDSM doesn't require the full spectrum of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sado-masochism). For example, I don't get into bondage other than to use restraints; I am not sadistic, and I don't want a masochist (sometimes referred to as a pain slut).

There are D/s-M/s couples who don't engage in BDSM or kinky sex. (I know, hard to believe, but it's true.)
While I am no expert on these matters, there are many non-sexual service arrangements made between an s-type (sub, slave) and a Dominant, including D/s couples (combinations of Dominant, sub and/or S/switch).

If it's the Domination you're after, this can be sexual or non-sexual. Some s-types are asexual, not as frequent with D-types, but they may already have a primary partner for sexual relations and choose not to engage in sex or sexual BDSM with additional subs. (They may engage in erotic BDSM Topping activities without physical sexual contact with a bottom, or allow a sub to gratify a fetish.) I have a cross-dressing friend who is asexual.

Whatever your (plural) mind can conceive of, is what might be out there. To answer your main question, there are many FemDom relationship dynamics which have D/s protocols in place which don't involve or include sex. (FLR is a subset, or a more specific kind of female-led relationship between intimate partners, such as spouses or the equivalent thereof.)
How powerful these types of D/s relationships would be for you personally, would depend on your needs. If you couldn't be satisfied filling the role of a non-sexual service sub, then don't consent to becoming one, and seek out a sensual Domme who requires more of a sensual sub. By the same token, if you are pain-averse, then don't get with a Sensual Sadist in your desperation to find a Mistress to Dominate you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

If you're asking if a male can serve a female without ever getting sex, I would say that anything is possible but I'd be willing to bet that those instances are extremely rare.

Michael, as a Sensual Domina, I only wish that this were true.

With newbies this might apply, but I run into too many experienced s-types who are accustomed to not having the full spectrum of sexual relations with their previous Mistresses, who are just 1 to 2-trick ponies (oral sluts, anal sluts). I have a pal who has never had penile sexual intercourse with his (married-to-a-vanilla) Mistress for over a decade. Many of these male subs only want or else settle for performing oral worship.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 8

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/16/2014 8:46:18 PM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crumpets

Is there any power in a female led relationship WITHOUT the sexual dynamic?

In trying to better understand this kink of mine, I have trouble, in my mind, separating sexual from non sexual service.

Logically, I can see the difference, and certainly I am fulfilled by both - but - in my frenzy of ever present erotic desire, fueled by the brain-stupefying urges of testosterone, the drive for sexual-related teasing appears to far outstrip the pure service-oriented service.

Yet, the desire to please should be equal in both sexual and non-sexual roles.

Is this apparent contradiction something I will grow out of (or be trained out of)?
Or, is that epic battle of purpose the norm in all your female-led relationship?

Hi Crumpets, and welcome to the boards.

To be honest, there is always a sexual electricity, in some form, between a Dominant and submissive who interact and relate. How that sexual electricity is expressed is different for every couple.

A couple months ago, myself and another knowledgeable man, expressed our thoughts about pure service versus service with strings on the Ask a submissive board. You might want to look that one up.

To summarize, basically men always have an attraction.

It is how the attraction is expressed that varies individually and between two people.

From your question, I take it you are new to this ... so know, Dominant Women do make love with submissive men. :-) Its just happens on their terms ... exactly the same way vanilla women do. LOL

In time and with experience you will understand that service is really nothing more than a dating activity.

Like going to dinner or seeing a movie.

How does it all play out?

Again, it all varies on individuals.

But it will play out.

Good luck!

< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 11/16/2014 8:55:02 PM >

_____________________________

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Heck I had one in 2010 .. now in 2013 another! Yes you can say, i am just a gifted slow learner!

(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 9

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/16/2014 8:46:23 PM

FriendlyMuppet

Posts: 171
Joined: 11/16/2010
From: Corpus Christi, Texas
Status: offline

For some people, it's probably hard to separate sexual from non-sexual servitude. And I would think it probably tends to gravitate that way for those who are new to the idea, thinking that there must be sex involved in order to make "power" happen.

Having been through all sorts of bdsm relationships, I can say that quite often the relationship that has worked for me best is the one where servitude came from wanting to serve the woman I was owned by and in her enjoyment of such control. With that attitude, it's less about sex, but about the mental roles that both sides are comfortable exercising. Quite often, sex, or sexual behavior, becomes involved, because that's one of the many parts of such a relationship. I've found that sexual slavery works so much better for me when there's already a D/s relationship of all other things rather than trying to make a D/s relationship out of a sexual bdsm interaction. At least that's how it's worked for me.

But I'm someone who lives every relationship as a submissive, so it makes sense for me. If it was much more into just the sensations and the mental imagery that comes from such play, then I'd probably always needs the submission tied to sex. Again, it's different for all sorts of different people.

However, I have had a few dominants in my past who have tried to create a bdsm relationship with absolutely no sex involved (or bdsm activity either). For me, those never worked out, not because I needed it so badly, but usually because lack of such behavior often hinted at the possibility that the woman I was potentially going to be serving wasn't all that into me to begin with, so it never worked out.

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(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 10

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/17/2014 6:01:11 PM

AAkasha

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Joined: 11/27/2004
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The trick is to not get needy, passive aggressive or sulk.

Don't think it's a barter deal. Don't "do" service work out of hopes of "getting" some play in return, then feel sorry for yourself when it doesn't go your way.

This is why I don't really get involved with service subs in general. It's usually a gimmick. They either want play in return or they are super needy and need a lot of affirmation and attention - it's better to hire a maid. Time is money. And maids do better work.

In a relationship where you are invested and both people are intimate and sensual, you put it all on the table and take care of each other with a healthy dose of lust running the engine. If you feel like doing something nice for her, it comes from the right place, and you are motivated by the joy it brings her, not something that will leave you feeling like you got the short end of the stick.

If you EVER do any kind of "service" in the hopes of getting something in return, you are NOT in the right relationship. Period.

For a femdom, her responsibility is to nurture and reward, cultivate and be responsive. But there's a level of emotional energy that is not unlimited and some sub don't understand. There are some subs I have had great chemistry with but they have this unlimited need for fulfillment and need to be assured, coddled, affirmed all day long. They need to be physically IN my space. Touching. They need to know when playtime is. They need to be flirted with, or they sulk. They get "sad" when I don't return flirtations. It's exhausting after 1 hour, let alone two days. My femdom "engine" runs best when I let it simmer, then boil, then burst. I like to give affirmations like, "Thanks hon! That's awesome!" And when playtime hits, it's BAM! Hours of intense, amazing, uncontrollable and unpredictable very messy, "Who IS this woman??" stuff.

When I would hook up with "need constant affirmation guy" I would say "Look it is obvious we are not meant to be together" and get "no no no no really I will be better I promise it's me it'e me!" and he'd try to shut it off, but instead bottle it up and turn into quiet sulking passive aggressive guy.

It's just a matter of incompatibility -- some people are super cuddly lovey dovey all over each other. I am independent and affectionate but not constantly doting, and if a man has a service type personality that's fine but if he does it because he needs a LOT of attention, that's a problem. I"m running a business and doing a lot of things. But a lot of men tried to push aside that part of them because playtime was always a lot of fun, but they wanted it like that ALL the time. I can't just flip a switch and go into performance mode.

Akasha

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(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 11

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/17/2014 6:20:38 PM

ExiledTyrant

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Fuck, you Ladies are too awesome. We are going to have to step up in the floor above... I think the "On uR kneez bithc", just doesn't carry the same weight it used to.

Jus sayin

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To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

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Post #: 12

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/20/2014 2:24:01 PM

slutmutt

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Joined: 11/16/2014
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For me, it's very difficult to try to take the sexual part out. I might perform some act of service for a woman for no reason other than to see her beam with delight, but merely seeing a certain kind of woman beam with delight makes me want to cream my jeans.

I can tell you that if a woman held no sexual appeal for me whatsoever, then my desire to serve her on an ongoing basis would be essentially nil. However, female dominance itself is sexually attractive to me. If a woman knows I'm a sub and likes commanding me, then it's almost a sure bet I will find her at least somewhat attractive (and therefore be at least somewhat under her power) by virtue of this fact alone.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 13

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/21/2014 7:47:11 AM

Charles6682

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Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
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Submission is so far more than just the sexual desire. I have gotten so use to this by now, the sexual nature doesn't even cross my mind. I have far more respect for Female's in general. Opening the door's for Ladie's, helping my Female friend's with thing's they need down, running errand's. All of these are non-sexual and I expect to receive nothing of the sort in return. Being of "service" come's in many different form's.

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(in reply to slutmutt)

Post #: 14

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/21/2014 8:07:08 AM

FieryOpal

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From: Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Charles6682

Submission is so far more than just the sexual desire. I have gotten so use to this by now, the sexual nature doesn't even cross my mind. I have far more respect for Female's in general. Opening the door's for Ladie's, helping my Female friend's with thing's they need down, running errand's. All of these are non-sexual and I expect to receive nothing of the sort in return. Being of "service" come's in many different form's.

Spoken like a true gentleman.

P.S. In case anyone were to misconstrue, there is no conflict between being submissive and/or a gentleman and being a protective warrior ready to defend others. This is the FLR model of the dynamic between a Queen Regent and her knight.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 15

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/21/2014 3:52:22 PM

Charles6682

Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
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Thank You for those kind word's. I wasn't expecting that. That made my day.

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

P.S. In case anyone were to misconstrue, there is no conflict between being submissive and/or a gentleman and being a protective warrior ready to defend others. This is the FLR model of the dynamic between a Queen Regent and her knight.

_____________________________

Charley aka Sub Guy

http://www.Facebook.com/SubGuy

https://Twitter.com/SubGuy6682

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 16

RE: Is there any power in a female led relationship WIT... - 11/22/2014 2:27:49 PM

EmpressElsa

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Joined: 10/12/2014
From: Western Upstate, New York
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crumpets

Is there any power in a female led relationship WITHOUT the sexual dynamic?

Yes. I have several personal, dedicated slaves and I don't engage in ANY sexual relations with them. Submission isn't about sex, it's about making a Dominant happy. Kink is about sex. It seems that you need both.

(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 17

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