Recently crushed...

Recently crushed... (Full Version)

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BlueSR44 -> Recently crushed... (11/26/2014 8:19:13 AM)
Are there any steps I can take to get over my last Dom? He used me for 5 months telling me we had a future and for me to stay faithful to him only...then I found out he literally copy/pasted things he said to me and sent it to other women... I'm confused and hurt. I broke it off respectfully, without insulting him. I just can't seem to believe or trust anyone now.... My first Dom turned into a sadist which was too much so I left after 7 years. The second was a couple months and we seperated mutually as he was turning more sadist than Dom. This last one was after a 15 year break from the D/s life and I've hated it because I keep ending up with sub men and I've been miserable. I'm pissed, very hurt, and lonely.

DarkSteven -> RE: Recently crushed... (11/26/2014 8:29:03 AM)
Yeah. Ice cream. Seriously, take some time for yourself now. My sympathies. A suggestion - you say your recent bust was from Newark. I suggest meeting people in the local community. Online, it's not that hard to string people along. In meatspace, not so much, and you can hear of people's reputations. Here are some get-together groups local to you: https://fetlife.com/groups/3560 https://fetlife.com/groups/5295 https://fetlife.com/groups/11205 https://fetlife.com/groups/96134 Also... I saw your pictures. Consider yourself whistled at.

BlueSR44 -> RE: Recently crushed... (11/26/2014 8:51:27 AM)
Thank you. I joined fetlife a few days ago. Joined the groups you suggested :0) Thanks for taking the time go advise..

littleladybug -> RE: Recently crushed... (11/26/2014 9:02:51 AM)
Yup, lots of ice cream and marathons of whatever guilty pleasure TV show you like. [:D] When that's done... it's time to do some more taking care of you. Take a step back. Apparently, you are finding people who aren't a good fit. What can you do for yourself to change that? I've been in your place, in terms of being "strung along". It fucking sucks. Some people are shitheads...and the only thing you can do is to change the way you deal with them. Yup, it's hard to trust, especially when you've been crapped on. I will tell you, from my experience, that anyone worth spending time with will understand it. What I have found works for me is to deal with online stuff the same way that I would deal in person. At some point, if I'm dating in person, I will get personal, pertinent information. Online should be the same...if the other person is sincere. IMO, anyone worth their salt will have no problems giving you the information you need to feel comfortable. You just need to get to the point where you can do this. It may take a lot of time and effort on your part. But, as I like to say...it's always best to start with the first step...which is to indulge in you. Remember, you are worth it, and you deserve to be spoiled right now.

Musicmystery -> RE: Recently crushed... (11/26/2014 10:13:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlueSR44 Are there any steps I can take to get over my last Dom? He used me for 5 months telling me we had a future and for me to stay faithful to him only...then I found out he literally copy/pasted things he said to me and sent it to other women... I'm confused and hurt. I broke it off respectfully, without insulting him. I just can't seem to believe or trust anyone now.... My first Dom turned into a sadist which was too much so I left after 7 years. The second was a couple months and we seperated mutually as he was turning more sadist than Dom. This last one was after a 15 year break from the D/s life and I've hated it because I keep ending up with sub men and I've been miserable. I'm pissed, very hurt, and lonely. Go slow. Take time to heal. I know it seems empty inside -- but learning the lessons here, including the ones about yourself and what you really want, will pave the way for that awesome D/s relationship that will come in time. And next time, do more traditional dating/courting. Spend time finding out about each other. Then spend time building a good foundation. Then spend time building your life together. Time takes time. Nobody wants to hear that while in "that space." But it's true. And it's also true that it gets better. One step at a time. The step now is to take care of you, re-learn how to love yourself and to be happy with yourself just as you are. That's what will attract the best match for you (and Him).

mnottertail -> RE: Recently crushed... (11/26/2014 10:20:39 AM)
In addition to what Music said: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1ScBNkXaJk

Greta75 -> RE: Recently crushed... (11/27/2014 6:44:55 AM)
It's not easy to find good people, in vanilla and in kink. But especially in this lifestyle, there is alot of predators disguising as doms lurking in it. So you know, the challenge is, how to just learn from it and grow smarter each time, but not get crushed and keep hope that eventually, each experience will help you get wiser and find the one that will treasure you. I hope everything works out for you eventually.

DesFIP -> RE: Recently crushed... (11/27/2014 11:11:00 AM)
Therapy to figure out why you are only attracted to people you aren't compatible with.

DeviantlyD -> RE: Recently crushed... (11/27/2014 11:32:45 AM)
I agree with what others on here have said about taking some time for yourself to heal from this. You've said in your profile you're a strong woman so I would imagine you will come out the other end of this just fine. What littleladybug said about finding a means of controlling how you react to people is also something I feel is good advice. I feel the need to preface what I'm about to say by stating I'm not very good at articulating my thoughts. Yes I know plenty of words and I know how to string them together to make a coherent sentence. What is difficult is the translation of my thoughts into words that fully represent those thoughts in an unambiguous manner. I don't intend to have this sound harsh, especially given where you are right now. But if this has happened to you before, perhaps, before you meet your next man (and hopefully the last one for you) you could do well with some introspection to determine who you are and why you have been in relationships with men who are not worthy of you. In your journal you stated "I don't think asking for my Dom to be healthy, clean cut, successful, honest, and well dressed is asking too much when my body and soul is on the line." Perhaps you should add to that list and state "a man who will treat me with the respect and see me as the worthy human being I am because I'm fucking awesome and he is damn lucky to have me."

HeartAndSoul31 -> RE: Recently crushed... (11/28/2014 3:21:45 AM)
I feel empathy for your broken heart. It's okay not to fully trust people until they prove they are actually trust worthy. Taking it slow usually tosses out the bad apples. I don't know what your focus is, but I can tell you when my main focus was kink above all, I got some rotten apples. You sound like a person who desires a good relationship. This is not a cure all, but I derived a system of ESA. People who have your best interest in mind, will Encourage, Support, and then Admire you. If it starts with admire or otherwise centered on physical kink pretty fast then that's what it is. Rarely does it grow to a good relationship nor are you the singular person of focus. There is gonna be others to get their groove on! Sometimes we attract what we think we want instead of what we need. I was an excitement junky and wanted what I wanted quickly too. I kept making the same mistakes over and over. Do I still like excitement? Hell yeah! But my advice is don't make it a focus, and work on being someone trustworthy people are attracted too. This is just my opinion and I have no idea if it even pertains to you at all. Much luck in your future relationships.

starkem -> RE: Recently crushed... (11/28/2014 4:02:48 AM)
Hugs

lalbobbilynn -> RE: Recently crushed... (12/9/2014 7:43:08 PM)
i soooooo agree w/ Dark Steven...... ice cream & self reflection........ and a B.O.B to tickle Your fancy from time to time [;)]

GoddessManko -> RE: Recently crushed... (12/9/2014 8:13:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlueSR44 Are there any steps I can take to get over my last Dom? He used me for 5 months telling me we had a future and for me to stay faithful to him only...then I found out he literally copy/pasted things he said to me and sent it to other women... I'm confused and hurt. I broke it off respectfully, without insulting him. I just can't seem to believe or trust anyone now.... My first Dom turned into a sadist which was too much so I left after 7 years. The second was a couple months and we seperated mutually as he was turning more sadist than Dom. This last one was after a 15 year break from the D/s life and I've hated it because I keep ending up with sub men and I've been miserable. I'm pissed, very hurt, and lonely. He sounds like a sociopath. Why were you respectful? Remembers my one year relationship and thinks "shit, I really am evil after all" His loss honey! Lots of hugs your way. If you ask me you should have gone Taylor Swift on his ass, but hey, I realize you're a class act and clearly that salamander was lucky he ever got a chance to slither your way. Get out and meet new people, local meetup groups on meetup dot com, go mingle at a wine tasting, check out a local dive bar, or travel to clear your head. FRIENDZONE EVERYONE but it's nice to have good people around you. Is that his partial face in your pic? Do me a favor, use the "Windows Paint" editor and scribble it out in black or red so his evil essence s properly represented. If it were me, I'd draw a penis pointing to his face, but that might scare off all the Doms. You have someone special in store for you. Time heals everything lovely lady. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. Find someone WAY better,and deserving of you but until then, be patient and pace yourself. Allow yourself to fall in love again, with someone else.

FieryOpal -> RE: Recently crushed... (12/10/2014 2:27:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Musicmystery <snip> And next time, do more traditional dating/courting. Spend time finding out about each other. Then spend time building a good foundation. Then spend time building your life together. Time takes time. Nobody wants to hear that while in "that space." But it's true. And it's also true that it gets better. One step at a time. The step now is to take care of you, re-learn how to love yourself and to be happy with yourself just as you are. That's what will attract the best match for you (and Him). There's a lot more I could say, but I take it that your interactions stayed on line or didn't go beyond phone calls/texts and you never met this Dom? He sounds like a player and you're better off that you didn't get involved with him. What littleladybug pointed out, that a sincere suitor will be forthcoming with personally identifiable information and/or personal disclosures at some point soon in the getting-to-know-you messaging process. If you didn't already know this, a person who is overly fixated on talking about his+your fetishes & kinks isn't looking for a serious relationship. Those are important, of course, but beyond getting the deal breakers out of the way, most of your exchanges should be more vanilla-oriented. Be careful not to go on the rebound impulsively. From the /s side, and often from what other Dominants say, there seem to be an inordinate number of D's who like to push limits. If you're not the kind of sub who wants her limits pushed, then be crystal clear about that up front. You might want to specify in your profile No Sadists, Please, if you're not into S&M. There's no guarantee a Dom won't misrepresent himself, just as I don't want a maso but there are guys who will hide that as long as they think they can get away with it; it inevitably seeps through in the course of convos. Really, all you can do is be wary of any red flags early on, before you become emotionally invested in your next prospect. May I make a suggestion along the lines of what Manko mentioned? Determine whether a man would make a trustworthy and loyal friend you can count on and who has a track record (per his anecdotes) of covering his family's & friends' backs. Becomes friends first and foremost. As far as on line goes, is this the type of person who will remember to send you a birthday and holiday or special-occasion greeting? Per HeartandSoul31's ESA, is this someone who tries to cheer you up or offers condolences/sympathy when you're not feeling chipper? Is he always attentive to your needs, commensurate with your attentiveness to him? Watch out for those who would mistake your kindness for weakness. Those sorts are infested all over the place, and probably more so within the BDSM microcosm. That empty feeling of being unappreciated or duped will pass. You can get through this and will be able to trust again. Wishing you the best, [image]local://upfiles/1774587/7447583DD0294C81B97EB6305B5A5E74.jpg[/image]

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