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Looking for advice - 7/13/2006 3:45:35 AM

emetikos

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Joined: 7/25/2005
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Hello, I’m new and was hoping I could get some advice from this community. This is going to be pretty long and probably pretty convoluted too, but I hope some of you can get through it. Right now, I just feel like I am too wrapped up in it to figure anything out.

I’m currently in a difficult situation, relationship-wise. I have a boyfriend who I’ve been with for 2 ½ years now. We get along and I feel that we’re best friends above anything else. But lately I’ve been thinking we’re best friends instead of anything else. We have a sex life, but it’s not very active. And I feel more and more that my mind has been wandering. And it has been wandering mostly toward fantasies involving BDSM.

The relationship between my boyfriend and I is pretty vanilla. Neither of us really identifies as dominant or submissive or switch. I usually identify as masochistic, but haven’t had an opportunity to explore or develop that side of me in a while. But things didn’t start out this way between us. I met my boyfriend when I got out of treatment for self-inflicted violence and bulimia. He was a cutter and we had that in common and so we started talking. In our talking, I explained to him that a lot of my SIV stemmed from some weird sexual perversion I had.

We were cutting each other before we even had sex. We put needles through each other. We burned each other, whipped each other and generally just played around. Things started to develop into a real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship later on. And it seems the more we’ve become intertwined in each others everyday lives, the more kink we’ve left out of our sex lives.

And now we’re at a bit of a cross-roads. I don’t know what to do at all. We have been talking a lot lately and trying to figure things out, but I’m still confused. I know that I need kink to be satisfied. He says he likes it and is willing to do it … but he still doesn’t. I feel that I initiate all play and that he never comes up with anything on his own. I think the biggest problem is that we both like to be the bottom. And we have radically different limits.

I’ve talked to him about the possibility of finding another couple for us to play with, but he’s very hesitant. I think that if we were to find a dominant couple to join up with, then we could both be bottom and there would be less of a power struggle. We could continue to have our vanilla relationship together and still get the other side of things that we crave. Because of his hesitancy about sharing or involving other people, he thinks the best way to do this would be through anonymous encounters or finding people for a one-time deal type of play. And I don’t feel comfortable with that since I’m the type of person who likes to know her partners and have at least a friendly relationship with them. I don’t like to sleep with and especially play with people who I’m not comfortable with outside the bedroom (or dungeon).

I just don’t know what to do or where to take things. I love my boyfriend and don’t want to end up splitting up over these issues. But I also know that I don’t think I can go on very much longer with things they way they are. What would you suggest we do? Or which direction would you suggest we take things? Is there some solution that we haven’t thought of which could help us?

< Message edited by emetikos -- 7/13/2006 3:47:13 AM >

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RE: Looking for advice - 7/13/2006 3:58:33 AM

ScarletOdyssey

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Joined: 7/2/2006
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red flag red flag..
This is not something you do with someone you dont know.
You feel it and know it already
Good for you,this already makes you smart in my eyes.
I dont have any suggestions for you,
I just wanted to give you encouragement.
StOy

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RE: Looking for advice - 7/13/2006 4:01:09 AM

emetikos

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I know that and have tried to explain that to him, but don't know how to make him feel comfortable or up for trying it. And I obviously don't want to push anything on him that he's not comfortable with.

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RE: Looking for advice - 7/13/2006 4:05:07 AM

ScarletOdyssey

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It sounds like you may be inevitably moving in different directions.
Are you preparing yourself for this?
StOy

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RE: Looking for advice - 7/13/2006 4:23:33 AM

emetikos

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If it comes to that, it's not the end of the world.
I would rather it doesn't come to that though. I am pretty happy in all other aspects of our relationship. I love him and I love my time spent with him. I just don't know.

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RE: Looking for advice - 7/13/2006 4:26:21 AM

MHOO314

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The voice of doubt speaks for a reason, don't let yourself be coerced,pushed, or otherwise cajoled into anything you don't feel right about.

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RE: Looking for advice - 7/13/2006 4:29:19 AM

Focus50

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From: Newcastle, Australia
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Hi and welcome to the Forums....

Youth has a lot to do with your doubts and confusions, esp as you really haven't had time to discover just exactly what your own adult needs really are....

But I'll pick at a few things from your OP....

There seems to be an overall lack of passion for each other; that you're really together because of fairly rare circumstances in common with each other. Seems like you're each others support buddy because very few will understand why the both of you do what you do (self harm).

I think his hesitancy is easist to understand because it seems you're both masochists but he's the one feeling pressured to switch. Yours is like the BDSM equivalent of M & F gays attempting a hetero relationship - which I'd imagine to be awkward and explain the lack of passion.

Thing is (and this'll sound odd), the reason you don't really know is because someone your age shouldn't know yet.... Many people spend decades sorting out their true sexuality and you're at the early stages of your own search for self. You both seem to want BDSM in your lives but your "Power Exchange" sucks because you're both of the same sub polarity. Dom & sub compliment each other's needs but when you're both most likely sub, hetero-vanilla is all that's left.

I can also be way off the mark because there's nothing simple or straightforward about your OP and the best advice will come from experienced lifestylers who've seen you interact. But I think I'm close because the OP doesn't read like you have a primal thirst for each other.... I also wouldn't recommend "one night stand" D/s type encounters. Seems you've had enough emotional trauma for one so young without risking being "chewed up and spat out" by some abusive arsehole who thinks you "want it"! If you really feel the need to explore your sub side, find yourself a Dom and build a relationship. Doesn't look like making a dom out of your b/f is an option but you say you love him.... You have some soul-searching to do but I think you know what needs to be done.

Focus.

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RE: Looking for advice - 7/13/2006 5:04:46 AM

KennelDeSade2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: emetikos
Because of his hesitancy about sharing or involving other people, he thinks the best way to do this would be through anonymous encounters or finding people for a one-time deal type of play. And I don’t feel comfortable with that since I’m the type of person who likes to know her partners and have at least a friendly relationship with them.

This doesn't get a red flag, it gets red disaster rockets with terminal trajectory starbursts. Not only are the two of you going in different directions, I'd say that his conclusion shows that he really has no clue at all about the need you feel.

I'm going to catch hell for saying this (because I always do) but it sounds like he is leaning towards "swinging" as very loosely defined, and you towards a Ds relationship of some type. The problem is that swinging is anathema to Ds by their very different goals and natures.

In the "swinger lifestyle" my opinion is that the focus leans towards getting the widest range of flavors of the week, and most "relationships" are rare if they last three encounters. You don't want to get too familiar with the person you are fucking, of it will ruin your ability to overlay them with whatever masturbation fantasy you are in pursuit of and it's always a drag to realize that not only does somebody who fucks you not respect you, it's not a given that they even like you. Plus, with so little experience with so many different contacts, it's like listening to the first three bars of Beethoven's Ninth, over, and over, and over, and over again, and never wondering if there might be something more you aren't experiencing.

In Ds, the focus flips the opposite direction, where getting to know every little nuance and twist in your partner, and how to best exploit them (or in rainbow and bunny speak how to best share the SSC experience with them) to wring the last erg of energy and intensity from your time together. The longer you know each other, the better things get. So the goal is quality of experience rather than body count. And if you can remain detached, you are missing the best part of the entire experience.

Of course, your mileage may vary. Don't try this at home. Professional Drivers only, on a closed course.

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RE: Looking for advice - 7/13/2006 7:37:08 AM

LotusSong

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What he said.. Good answer, Focus50 :)

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RE: Looking for advice - 7/13/2006 8:02:21 AM

MasterFireMaam

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There's the possibility that he isn't/wasn't a masochist, but a cutter who cut for the classic reason of emotional trauma. Perhaps he's worked through enough of the traume due to new things in his life (such as a meaningful relationship) that he doesn't need to cut anymore. you, on the other hand, might be really masochistic. That means that your needs are no longer getting met.

Talk to him about why he's hesitant. Is it a matter of someone else hurting you or is it a matter of someone else being with you sexually? If it's the latter, you might be able to find someone for you that isn't a threat, such as another woman, and keep sex out of the SM (can be hard to do, but doable). If it's the former, I'm not realy sure what to tell you.

However, as Focus50 said, he might be feeling pressured to top when he really doesn't want to. There's the possibility of serving a Dominant as a couple. Sex with the Dominant doesn't HAVE to be a part of SM...set limits about it and then look for someone who will respect them.

And, about doing the whole anonymous thing...the closest, safest way to get this is to go to local groups and play in public with people there...I usually call this a "meet and beat". It is NOT a good idea to choose someone at random from the internet, then meet with them in private. you wouldn't do that for a date, would you? Don't do it for play either. If you go to a reputable group, you should find safety measures in place and Dungeon Monitors on duty. Ask around about the various Tops you see and OBSERVE them. Do they take care of their bottom? Do they offer aftercare? Do they stop when/if a safeword is used? Take your time finding someone good. Again, sex may or may not be a component in that kind of play. Think of it as foreplay for when the two of you go home together.

Master Fire

< Message edited by MasterFireMaam -- 7/13/2006 8:07:42 AM >

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RE: Looking for advice - 7/13/2006 10:57:37 AM

sub4hire

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quote:

ORIGINAL: emetikos

I just don’t know what to do or where to take things. I love my boyfriend and don’t want to end up splitting up over these issues. But I also know that I don’t think I can go on very much longer with things they way they are. What would you suggest we do? Or which direction would you suggest we take things? Is there some solution that we haven’t thought of which could help us?

Show him this post. Let him take it in and digest it. If it were me I'd be a bit shaken by what I just heard if you and I were together.
Many times in relationships we stop communicating. What do we then do to start the process again and start listening to one another? Sometimes we never do. Other times it takes something drastic to get us to wake up and start listening.
If he has told you he would like to work things out, give him that opportunity. It takes two to make a relationship fail, not just one.
Too often in life we allow outside intrustions come into our relationships and mess them up. Before we know it, it is too late to do anything about it.

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RE: Looking for advice - 7/13/2006 12:02:56 PM

sleazybutterfly

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From what I read.. I can tell that you do love him..but sometimes.. love just isn't enough anymore. We are with someone to maybe help us in one part of life..to help us learn about ourselves.. to gain experience and then it's time to move on and find someone that is more compatible to the next stage of our lives.

I don't say this blindly at all.. so please don't take it that way. I was the same way with a 4 year relationship.. I love/d her very much.. we had/ve tons in common.. lots of good memories.. and so much more. I know that she will always be a part of my life..but at some point I realized that we were just heading in different directions. It's sad to see something like that end.. and to be over something like a sexual preference.. bdsm.. makes it worse. You still get along with the person.. you still have feelings for them.. are friends with them..and you know if they weren't in your life.. you would miss them terribly. Yet, you have this part of you that needs something more.. and no matter how much you try to suppress it.. it will keep coming up more and more...then before you know it.. you grow to not only resent it..but the person that keeps you from having it. You won't set out to hurt anyone.. but in the end.. you will hurt him and yourself.

By all means.. don't totally give up.. but I would evaluate what you both want.. talk about it..and in the end.. you have to look at yourself and see what makes you happy. If you don't let yourself be happy.. pretty soon.. you will take his happiness away also.. misery loves company.. or so they say.

This is a huge crossroads for you..and I have been there myself for a few months...letting go of the old life..where you know someone, feel safe..and feel stable.. is hard as hell.. and even scarier when the whole brand new world of possibilities is opening up to you. On the other hand.. take it for this also.. it's pretty damn exciting ..you have a whole future ahead of you..where you are going to continue to grow.. learn and change.. perhaps you will have several relationships over time..but from each one take the gift of knowledge that is given from it..and make the next one better.

I wish you lots of luck.. I know it's hard..

~Andrea

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RE: Looking for advice - 7/13/2006 1:16:22 PM

sophia37

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This is a tuff one. You both have some pretty seriuos issues that you've adressed, but then again, if you started cutting one another well then are you now co-dependant?
.
I guess what Im wondering here is, how dependant is this relationship? Is it all about trying to keep each other on the wagon? If you guys break up will the things that got you into treatment reassert themselves? Really are you guys ok without each other? This strikes me as a pretty serious point to ponder.

I kinda feel like you've got to master your feelings and behaivior and only you know where you guys stand. I'd be hesitant to take you on as a dom quite frankly. So please, go slow here. Good luck and god bless you both.

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