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NookieNotes -> RE: The Dominance / Submission Continuum Is An Incomplete Perspective (12/3/2014 5:26:00 AM)
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ORIGINAL: shiftyw
But yes, compatibility is complicated, even with just those two variables. I also don't think anyone has any 100% sub/Dom qualities, no matter what others might say.
I agree.
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I need a light hand, cause outside the bedroom, I like control. I don't really feel submissive when it comes to making decisions or choices, I'm a take charge person day to day. He is too, but he is quieter about it. In the bedroom, I need a boss, I like a boss. The "doms" that fit the bill for me need to be able to see that me driving the ship is sometimes a service to them.
It's complicated. That's my thoughts.
That's awesome. Thank you for sharing. I know quite a few women like you. It's very hard to find the right match, but when they ahve, it's been fireworks!
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ORIGINAL: RockaRolla
The way this convo is going reminds me of one storyline in a comic I liked. Link because I don't know how page-stretchy this thing will be.
Oh that's funny. Yes! LOL!
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Even if we talk about the generic D/s sliders, those can shift depending on your present situation and the people around you. I feel more the D at work and around unfamiliar people than when I'm with close friends or the boyfriend. But in the bedroom with one of my boys I'll often switch back to D.
I postulate that your D is set whereever it is. Not throughout your life, but for everyone at the same time.
When around those whose Ds are lesser, yours will feel stronger, and vice versa. Of course, mood plays a part, and other factors. However, I'm looking at overall, trough life, rather than in specific cases, where you interact once.
We all know that one interaction can never define a lifetime.
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ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
But seriously OP, where does being a S/switch fit into the picture in your opinion or experience, other than overlapping within ranges?
It isn't uncommon to hear of a form of S/switching where someone is sub to one gender (Ex: f/M, usually the primary partner), then wanting to dominate the other/their own gender (Ex: F/f).
As a switch, I'll answer how I see it.
On a 100% scale (let's say), I may be:
S: 85%
D: 97%
Because I know when I submit, I do it fully. I go down deep. And I love it. And when I do the D, I live it and breathe it. It's me.
Let's postulate that my Pet is:
S: 91%
D: 85%
So while he will never D me overall, he is an excellent match for my S, and can take me there, when we both agree. I am D in all of our relationship/mental ways, because he does not match me there, but he does provide a challenge, since he is way above average on the D slider, and therefore is used to running his life as he sees fit, and others naturally want to follow him.
As far as preferences to only submitting to X, that can be two factors (or more, I'm thinking of two):
1. Sexual attraction or something similar.
My Pet is bi, but never wants to be D with men. Only S. And only in actions, never in the mind/relationship, as he does not develop feelings for men.
2. Too off-the charts in one area.
I only dominate women. I have never found a woman I felt i could submit to, ever. That could be because few women are more dominate than I am, or because the ones who are, have number 1 getting in the way for me or for them. I do, however, have a girl that I am dominate to, and that is very natural, and how I also fantasize about such things.
I hope I'm clear. I love questions like this, and thinking things through "out loud."
*smiles*
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ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
I know some people, especially women, that are very flexible. They can be a sub to one person, a Domme to another, a slave to another, and Top and bottom in play. Being Dom or sub is not exactly an inherent property of an individual - it also depends on who they're in a relationship with.
I do not feel this is in contradiction to my point.
My S is very high. My D is higher. But when I submit, it is deep and incredible. So deep, that for a time I can practically be slave-ish. I see no reason that could not be applied to different people, based on their slider levels and other factors, such as desire.
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ORIGINAL: MrRodgers
Explain on any graph how a man charged with a crime, argued his own case against the ADA (Maryland) was found innocent and in less than 1 year...turned that very ADA into his absolute complete slave. (fact)
His D was stronger than the ADA's D, and the ADA's S was also high.
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ORIGINAL: sexyred1
I am a rainbow.
What does that tell you about me as a sub?
In this context without knowing anything else about you? A bit of a smartass, and thinking outside the box.
*smiles*
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ORIGINAL: mstrjx
But seeing that 's' side becomes easier with the 'd' side has been dialled up so much over the years.
For me, this is very true. The more I understand and grow in my D, the more I understand and also grow in my s. I see the value of it, and experience it for myself.
Interestingly, the more I grow my s, the more I also demand from my submissives in that area.
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ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant
Nookie, do you ever have sex supine? If that submissive position is part of your make up, wouldn't that kick your D down a few notches?
Not at all. I It CAN, when we are being all switchy n'shit, but D is a frame of mind, not an action.
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You're representing Dominance and submission as blue eyes and brown eyes, you either have one or the other.
No. I'm expressing it more as chocolate and vanilla. You can like one or the other, or both. They are not mutually exclusive at all. That's my point.
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I eat pussy like it is ambrosia. Some would argue that it is an act of submission, any woman that I have had the pleasure of dining on knows that it is TOTAL DOMINATION. It's mine, I am not here to browse, I am here to graze and if you handed over those panties you've surrendered to it, like it or not, beg, plead, cry afoul, it's getting done until I am done. It may seem that it is all about you, and I will happily allow you to hang on to that delusion, but that is my particular brand of heroine and when getting my fix it is all about me.
Yes, agreed, as you knew I would, based on our previous convos. So is getting fucked supine or even taking it up the ass. It's MY pleasure, when I'm in D mode, and damnit, I will have what I want.
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Back to the equalizer. I can say I am 100% D 100% of the time, which is true in a black and white casual representation. Her body is mine, 100% of it, her mind is mine, 10% of it... why 10%? Because I reserve the right to strike down and banish-- forthwith any negativity that is stemming from her mind. Negativity that is defined by me that I deem unhealthy in any aspect or regard of her or us... 100% of her body is mine, 90% of her mind is independently hers, that 10% is mine and I have supreme authority or sayonara. I do not need 100% control over her mind, I have no use for a sycophant.
So, I see this a different way. His mind is 100% mine, but like my own body is 100% mind, I do not need to be in active control of every bit. I breathe, shit, and brush my teeth without conscious thought. He lives his life without my micro-managing, although I can take control and make his life conscious and controlled by me in any aspect should I choose.
I do not see a conflict in independence and submission.
We discussed dichotomies and dualities, yes? *grins*
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So, on the equalizer, my dominating her physically would be maxed out, mentally would suspiciously look like I was slacking or not D at all.
I see where you're going. I dont think of it this way, but I'm glad you do, and brought it up.
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It is the many facets and aspects that the single slider cannot represent. For example, if shifty was my /girl and I said, "Babe! I just found a car that we have to have!" she would say, "Whoa! Slow down there bucko, I'm going to have to see this and decide if it is worth coming off my ass pocket first!"
Well, I don't see how that is not represented. If her D is not 0%, then she will always hold some sway over her own life. There are doormats out there, but I don't feel that most people are that black or white, no matter how D or s they are.
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I think you are on to a nifty little project and I feel it will evolve into a very good book and a good guide for the N008's, but the message you need to make clear isn't that "sub model 2283 is only compatible with Dom model 9854. Our strengths need to replace their weakness, and our weakness needs to be replaced by their strengths.
Oh this is not that kind of project. Just a thought experiment. I get your point, though.
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ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
Thanks for this thread and for your illustrations both Nookie and Exiled. I had this linear scale in my mind, not a binary or much less multitudes of them.
YAY! That's how I felt when I thought this. It opens up a non-linear way of thinking, into multi-dimensionality.
Now, SOME people here need 4-dimesional plots with rainbows and glitter and farting unicorns, but we can't please everyone, natch.
LOL!
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ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD
That isn't what I was referring to at all. I was speaking solely of kinky stuff...not just D/s, but definitely kink/BDSM/WIITWD only.
Oh, I get that. But I didn't bring up kinky sliders or "likes a beating" sliders. Just D and s.
Going beyond that seems to be pulling in the kitchen sink.
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Yes! This explains what I was thinking of far better than I could.
Excellent. And you'll see my responses above. Perhaps that will help clarify for you, too... and it helps clarify you to me. *smiles*
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ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
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ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
Nope. No justification or rationalization necessary. Just because the Dommes in porn are snarling bitches doesn't mean squat for you. You Domme in YOUR style, as long as you have a sub for whom that works.
I think of the caring side as being vital. If I am to have control over my sub, I sure as hell better care for/about her.
You know, I thought that, and didn't say it. Thank you, DS, for putting this out there. So true.
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ORIGINAL: thorneyone
All these observations are of people already in relationships.
For people like me, leanings and outlooks are the stuff of our fantasy. How do I reconcile sadistic urges with being alone?
I never describe myself Dominant or Master for the reason that I am unable to be that way.
Submission only comes with huge trust and again how can a loner feel any of that?
But then, being so disenfranchised, I do not even have a right to an opinion, do I?
Firstly, EVERYONE has a right to an opinion. What no one has is the right to FORCE that opinion on another.
Let's look at sadistic urges... If you have them, you have them, alone or not. It's like horniness. I am horny when alone. I am horny with a partner. No contradiction there.
Unable to be dominant? At all? You have never fought for your beliefs in an argument? You have never overruled someone?
Perhaps you mean you have no ability to dominate others, or no interest in being a dominant or master. And that's cool, no matter how high your D slider may be.
How can a loner feel trust? By trusting. That may sound like mumbo-jumbo, but it's the only truth you'll get from me.
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