What were your feelings?

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tbarnes472 -> What were your feelings? (12/4/2014 9:40:52 AM)
Hi all! I'm new. Let's start here. To my knowledge my boyfriend has no sexual assault or abuse history. I've asked because all if this screams either repression(which is what I think it is) or victim. He says if he was he was so young he doesn't remember anything. He's also going to look into therapy in a few months. So that's also on the table. My boyfriend and I have known each other for 12 years. We've been together for almost 2. We are super honest about everything and are starting to open up into a poly relationship. The biggest glitch is the lack of consistent sex. I'm really afraid of "getting it elsewhere" when we still haven't quite figured out the problem. At this point we aren't sexually compatible and we knew that going in but everything else fits beautifully. Since we have been long term friends and I still hike my dogs with his ex once a week, I have a solid idea on what I was getting into. The compromise has been that we want to be poly anyway, possibly some casual sex to handle my high sex drive but with the goal of trying to figure his head out first. He's been in a few long term monogamous relationships before me. All of which involved the first month of really really fantastic sex which almost immediately tapered off into weekly and usually only when his girlfriends threw a fit for it. His first longterm girlfriend immediately after breaking up with him got heavily into the BDSM scene to deal with some crazy repression issues. She's the one I hike with but she's still pretty lost on his issues. I think I have a handle on what is happening but he seems to move into this shut down mode the closer I get to what I think is the real problem. He's dominant. Leans sadist and fucking hates himself for it. He has 4 sisters. Two of whom were raped and the usual be nice to girls thing that was not only drilled into him but really is how he views the world. He's insanely gentle but every once in a while I get this crazy hot side of him during sex that just melts me. He drops the walls and just takes control. And goddamn the man spanks like he means it. There isn't a drop of half ass anything. Then sex is over and he clams back up and doesn't let his body even respond to me kissing him. He has to have a internal conversation to reconnect his body to his brain. Or more shut his brain off. So. Here is where this all gets interesting. I'm a fan of balanced sex with him. I can be submissive or dominant although I lean dominant with other partners part of what I ADORE about our relationship is that wa are equals in everything and can switch back and forth during sex and even in the same session. We don't have scenes, although I think it would be fun but he fights that because then it's "planning" it. We finally opened up this summer. The first girl he dated stayed mostly in text/email, he's a writer so he enjoys the hell out of that aspect. She turned out to be submissive. And boy did he respond to it with gusto. I saw this confident sexy dominant side to this man that I have only seen in bits and pieces over the years. He came out if his shell and it was HOT. She turned out to be a bit of a mess. He dropped her, then promptly shut down again for months. By mid summer I said "Im not begging you for sex and intimacy. Get your head together or I'm going to start having casual sex because I have a high sex drive. Sex keeps me sane. I'm not going to beg and I'm also not going to be insane because I'm not getting it. You don't want to talk about it or figure it out so I am going to do what I need to do." He grinned and told me to go for it. And I thought huh. We love the power plays a little bit..interesting...but it didn't spark much difference. I ended up fucking an old friend and he met someone new. She was a bit different. She was a sub but she wanted real pain and once again here comes this insanity of hot sex between us. He's confident. We are fucking constantly and he's exploring the BDSM stuff FINALLY and admitting that he's always been scared of his tendencies. I talked him through it. Told him I WANTED him to experiment on me too. That I totally trusted him. Because I do. I also trust myself enough to be firm on lines. I'm willing to do damn near anything my sexual partners want and get off on it. Then he stopped seeing her a few weeks ago. And once again he's shutting down. He's upset with me for trying to talk about it. He's back to saying he just doesn't care and has to "force" himself to get into it. I've begged him to play with me in the same way because he's messed around with it and it's a ton of fun and it would let him start feeling safe with his desires. He's not going to scare me and I have no problem openly discussing lines and boundries. Hell I taught him what a safe word is and Ive never actively participated in an significant BDSM stuff. But I love LOVE love the scene and the communication and the focus on consent have have since back in the 90s when I was a teenager. The BDSM community has it down when it comes to negotiation and sex. I get it. I am willing and turned on by the idea of him hurting me. In fact I think it would be fun to see how far he can push my lines. I've never met anyone I trust like I do him and where he doesn't trust himself I trust me to be able to help him pull out and calm down. These discussions have not gone well. And his newest and best avoidance tactic that almost made me commit wall murder last night was his insistence that his shutting down has nothing to do with the BDSM factor and that the reason he was so sexual was because it was two women. Sigh. He's sooo full of shit. The only person judging him is himself. He's worried about changing our dynamic if he dominantes me. Which HAHAHA, people compare me to a louder version of Leslie Knope. Bulldozer and relentless are good adjectives for me. Plus this is sex. I really understand my lines with sex. I want this. He NEEDS this and our relationship needs both of us sexually satisfied. Prefferably with each other. But Im willing to "outsource" and tell him to get an outside sub if he needs to. He doesn't want to meet anyone either. Basically he wants me to shush and leave this alone. And I can't. I miss him. I miss the intimacy. I'm annoyed at the insinuation that I'm not enough but I'm beyond pissed that he's saying that to avoid digging into his fears. I need some help describing how trying to deny or be ashamed of kinks fucks with your head in a million other ways. I need some real life examples of how much more fun all if life is when embracing yourself sexually. I went through this in my very early twenties when I left the Catholic Church got knocked up by an athiest at 18 and realized monogomy was going to be something I would never be able to do "for the rest of my life." I dealt with my shame and guilt and self hatred so long ago that I have an impossible time accessing that process. But frankly I've always been hypersexual so my body eventually forced me to choose between being ashamed and being happy. I will choose happy every time. I don't have the words to help him pull out of this. Our communication on EVERYTHING ELSE is flawless and then we have this stubborn avoidance and I'm ready to explode. I need sex and intimacy and I prefer it with him and most importantly I want him to stop freaking judging himself. Help? Stories? Advice?

sexyred1 -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/4/2014 11:09:07 AM)
I hate to say this but he may not be that into you. While he may have let go with you, it seems prompted each time by another chick. I had a husband once who loved and adored me, but really could not dominate me. He tried, but it was against his nature. You cannot really change someone unless they want to change. I would not keep threatening him about going elsewhere for sex. Oh, if you knew him for 12 years before getting together, you kind of knew what you were getting into.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/4/2014 12:38:24 PM)
I have to say, red hit the nail on the head. It appears that your man, however good he is in all other respects, just doesn't get triggered by you sexually - it takes another chick to trigger his dominant side. And I don't buy the 'two women' thing either because he would have kept that up with one of them. It appears to me, the other chicks trip his sexual triggers but not much else. You trip his other triggers but not the sexual one. It's a simple case of incompatibility. It doesn't matter if you fit everywhere else, the sexual side obviously isn't enough for you. That in itself will eventually drive a wedge between you two.

GoddessManko -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/4/2014 1:09:32 PM)
FR, it can be a few things. It was very hard to follow your OP I guess because you have been so overthinking this that it comes out in the same way as your thoughts are, I can tell you have been thinking about this a great deal. I would say this, stop overthinking it and stop pressuring him. Change all of your habits you are doing now in this regard and if you need to vent, vent to someone else other than him. I don't respond well to pressure. This is my first point. I do the same thing he does, I shut down, it's how I'm programmed. I need to know I'm not being forced, coerced, cajoled, thwarted in any place other than what I call my comfort zone. I might fuck your brains out but then change my mind if you asked me to or even expected it. This is a less serious issue. You seem to have a lot of personality, which is great, you also seem very intelligent, so I'm sure he enjoys your company. Now comes my second point, you seem to desire having things your way and you seem more like the Dominant and him the submissive. I think you would have to wonder about sexual compatibility. I don't believe it's that he's not that into you. Like you said, he seems to just be THIS WAY, take it or leave it. Also a lot of his comments and yours lead me to believe he might want polyamory but the fact your response is "he's so full of shit" may be part of why he simply withdraws and possibly resents himself for his desires or even you unintentionally. I would say get to a sex/kink therapist/ do couples counseling and it really has to be a judgement free zone. If you ask him for answers, if it's not the ones you want, don't dismiss him.His feelings and thoughts are legitimate and men are far more sensitive than they lead us to believe. Breakups for them are almost "soul crushing" in many cases for example. And unfortunately they repress sadness or tears. My third point is he might have an issue with intimacy stemming from either childhood trauma or something he doesn't want to disclose due to your lack of willingness to allow him to tell you honest thoughts, again counseling and best if you do this together. You're a great talker and seem like a great person from OP, but also need to be a great listener and be fine with either compromise or letting go. Half of men also are affected with ED, our sex drive increases and theirs decline, speaking about it might make him feel like "less of a man". My fourth point is you may want to consider having a poly household, a man/woman/couple who is compatible and agreeable join you for intimate encounters. This really seems like what his issue may be and why the only time he responds is a polyamorous dynamic. Sexuality is not BS or choice, it just is. No matter what you decide to do, I suggest the counseling. I cannot stress enough the judgement free zone even if he says "lumber" or "vaccines" turn him on. You have to be receptive to him. He needs work on letting his thoughts known by communicating and you need to acknowledge them and be receptive and I'm sure this will improve things greatly. You are not psychic and he's not a magician. If it is sexual incompatibility, you'll have to sit down and talk about "options", whatever those may be, even undesirable ones like parting ways.

SweetForDaddy -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/4/2014 1:30:00 PM)
Maybe he does like having two women, if he's telling you straight up that its not BDSM but having two women that does it for him then I wouldn't look at it as avoidance. Maybe he just likes the new, new experiences with new people, or maybe its some other issue. Its hard to know. I wouldn't threaten him with going elsewhere either, or pressure him for sex but I would try talk to him about it more and listen. It sounds like you really want a BDSM sexual relationship but that may not be what he wants. Maybe seeing other people is the right thing for you, maybe a poly situation, or swinging could work too. It sounds like you've already agreed somewhat on poly, which could be a fit for his two women ideal. I guess you have to weigh up the risks involved.

mstrjx -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/4/2014 8:34:31 PM)
For what it's worth... Your profile isn't visible, so I can't tell, but I think knowing something of your age and more importantly his might be of some value. There might be a maturity level (or lack) that 'might' be coming into play. Not that the issue is about me, but part of my beginnings could be relevant. I was a child (5 or so) when I learned I was (going to be) into bondage. As I grew older, I thought bondage was 'it', the activity and the end. I was also raised that hitting a woman was ultra-taboo, and I believed that. To make an interesting story short, I met a woman after college who let me tie her up from time to time, but really wanted more. I guessed that she was into slapping and indulged her (which was against my better judgement), but she ended up stopping me after a time because I 'didn't mean it'. What she wanted was a more BDSM relationship than my bondage leanings could handle. Years later, once I was ready and mature enough to learn about wiitwd, I finally got it. I already figured that the 'hitting a woman' taboo didn't really apply in this case, and that with trust people can explore as they see fit. By that time I was around 30, which might or might not be relevant, but mature to make informed choices. Guilt about doing the right thing or breaking the wrong rules can play tricks on the mind if that is the problem. Guilt. You didn't say so explicitly, but that is part of what I read into it. Once that hurdle is crossed, the world opens up. Good luck. Jeff

orgasmdenial12 -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/5/2014 12:16:22 AM)
You're trying to dominate him into dominating you, and it's never going to work. Pressure kills sexual spontaneity and you are piling the pressure on him. Secondly, he sounds like a bit of an ass with the whole not talking, not communicating thing, are you really sure you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't communicate with you? Leave him to his own thing and move on to someone that can make you happier.

tbarnes472 -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/7/2014 9:17:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 I hate to say this but he may not be that into you. While he may have let go with you, it seems prompted each time by another chick. I had a husband once who loved and adored me, but really could not dominate me. He tried, but it was against his nature. You cannot really change someone unless they want to change. I would not keep threatening him about going elsewhere for sex. Oh, if you knew him for 12 years before getting together, you kind of knew what you were getting into. We are poly. Right now I am seeing someone else and haven't made it sexual because my SO has been back and forth. I did know this going in so we negotiated poly and I was very clear that regular sex was a need. If him and I couldn't figure it out on the sex front I wanted it clear that I would need our relationship open. At the least. He was and is fine with that. The issue really is guilt. I addressed your point to another poster. I wish it was him not being into just me or needing a second. Our relationship is totally strong enough for that and I'm a lot of things but insecure isn't one of them. I did know going in and I negotiated accordingly. His unwillingness to communicate recently is what has us stuck. He's terrified of how much he wants to hurt someone. He's been told his whole life you don't hit girls. Trying to convince him some girls REALLY want it is what the issue is. If it was attraction we would have just fully opened up and solved it by now.

tbarnes472 -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/7/2014 9:18:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1 I have to say, red hit the nail on the head. It appears that your man, however good he is in all other respects, just doesn't get triggered by you sexually - it takes another chick to trigger his dominant side. And I don't buy the 'two women' thing either because he would have kept that up with one of them. It appears to me, the other chicks trip his sexual triggers but not much else. You trip his other triggers but not the sexual one. It's a simple case of incompatibility. It doesn't matter if you fit everywhere else, the sexual side obviously isn't enough for you. That in itself will eventually drive a wedge between you two. You know what's interesting is that when we started dating he told me that all of his girlfriends had gotten to that place of "I'm not enough." He told me upfront he was never able to convince them the problem was in his head somewhere and it's not about attraction. So I put poly on the table from the start. First chick he dated was a sub. Sex with us spiked. Second chick was cool and she really got him on a lot of levels but there was no dom/sub thing. The sex with us stayed the same. That was where I started questioning his theory that It was the desire for two people. This last girl was submissive AND masochistic and the sex with us went through the damn roof AND he finally admitted that what he wants scares the hell out of him. I've known him a long time. The relationship is honest to the point of nuts. If it was basic attraction he would have told me and I've asked. He's fairly convinced he's demisexual so the connection is part of the sexual attraction. It really is about him being afraid of wanting to hurt someone. I wish it was more simple like attraction. Working through sexual guilt and shame sucks.

tbarnes472 -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/7/2014 9:19:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessManko FR, it can be a few things. It was very hard to follow your OP I guess because you have been so overthinking this that it comes out in the same way as your thoughts are, I can tell you have been thinking about this a great deal. I would say this, stop overthinking it and stop pressuring him. Change all of your habits you are doing now in this regard and if you need to vent, vent to someone else other than him. I don't respond well to pressure. This is my first point. I do the same thing he does, I shut down, it's how I'm programmed. I need to know I'm not being forced, coerced, cajoled, thwarted in any place other than what I call my comfort zone. I might fuck your brains out but then change my mind if you asked me to or even expected it. This is a less serious issue. You seem to have a lot of personality, which is great, you also seem very intelligent, so I'm sure he enjoys your company. Now comes my second point, you seem to desire having things your way and you seem more like the Dominant and him the submissive. I think you would have to wonder about sexual compatibility. I don't believe it's that he's not that into you. Like you said, he seems to just be THIS WAY, take it or leave it. Also a lot of his comments and yours lead me to believe he might want polyamory but the fact your response is "he's so full of shit" may be part of why he simply withdraws and possibly resents himself for his desires or even you unintentionally. I would say get to a sex/kink therapist/ do couples counseling and it really has to be a judgement free zone. If you ask him for answers, if it's not the ones you want, don't dismiss him.His feelings and thoughts are legitimate and men are far more sensitive than they lead us to believe. Breakups for them are almost "soul crushing" in many cases for example. And unfortunately they repress sadness or tears. My third point is he might have an issue with intimacy stemming from either childhood trauma or something he doesn't want to disclose due to your lack of willingness to allow him to tell you honest thoughts, again counseling and best if you do this together. You're a great talker and seem like a great person from OP, but also need to be a great listener and be fine with either compromise or letting go. Half of men also are affected with ED, our sex drive increases and theirs decline, speaking about it might make him feel like "less of a man". My fourth point is you may want to consider having a poly household, a man/woman/couple who is compatible and agreeable join you for intimate encounters. This really seems like what his issue may be and why the only time he responds is a polyamorous dynamic. Sexuality is not BS or choice, it just is. No matter what you decide to do, I suggest the counseling. I cannot stress enough the judgement free zone even if he says "lumber" or "vaccines" turn him on. You have to be receptive to him. He needs work on letting his thoughts known by communicating and you need to acknowledge them and be receptive and I'm sure this will improve things greatly. You are not psychic and he's not a magician. If it is sexual incompatibility, you'll have to sit down and talk about "options", whatever those may be, even undesirable ones like parting ways. <Sexuality is not bs or a choice. It just is. Please come convince him of that and then convince him what he want is healthy and not abusive if consent is involved. Please. LOL I think the words "The only person judging you is you." Has come out of my mouth a million times. In fairness I do understand his shutting down and I am really upfront that I want to talk instead of using the ways around him that I know exist. He knows I could work a million angles to "get my way" but our relationship is about honest communication. He told me last night that the reason we have gotten so much farther than he did with his ex's in solving this is because I don't yell and scream and cry. He's fine with the steady push that I do with him. "Calmly relentless" is what he calls it. I am 100% on board with getting other people involved. That was my solution months ago. I'm totally down with whatever he needs. And you are right that I am pressuring him but at this point I am seeing someone who wants to be sexual with me but my SO is asking me to hold off till we get a handle on this but not wanting to talk about it. I have another person's feelings involved here too. And I'm not okay with stringing him along and since my SO has been back and forth I'm pushing for clarity. I don't want to fuck the New guy and blow things up with us. It really is guilt and thinking hurting someone sexually is wrong. But he doesn't want to admit he thinks it's wrong. So he goes into deflecting. Or saying he doesn't care. Part of my goal has been to help him understand how much thinking your kinks are wrong can mess with things overall. Hence the request for other experiences.

tbarnes472 -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/7/2014 9:20:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetForDaddy Maybe he does like having two women, if he's telling you straight up that its not BDSM but having two women that does it for him then I wouldn't look at it as avoidance. Maybe he just likes the new, new experiences with new people, or maybe its some other issue. Its hard to know. I wouldn't threaten him with going elsewhere either, or pressure him for sex but I would try talk to him about it more and listen. It sounds like you really want a BDSM sexual relationship but that may not be what he wants. Maybe seeing other people is the right thing for you, maybe a poly situation, or swinging could work too. It sounds like you've already agreed somewhat on poly, which could be a fit for his two women ideal. I guess you have to weigh up the risks involved. So the poly thing is already on the table. I'm seeing someone but we aren't having sex yet. Its definitely avoidance. His go to is avoidance. I would be completely fine with the other women if that was actually the issue. He's voiced multiple times that the things he wants in terms of bdsm scare him. I told him again the other night that he's the only one judging himself. Even if he did need two women I would be fine with it. I am fine. I want poly. I'm fairly confident that I am not capable of being mono forever. I at least need the potential of poly on the table. Another poster nailed it. Its guilt. He really talked to me about it the other night. Finally. Edited to add. I actually don't care either way about the bdsm. I want to do what turns him on but left to my own devices I prefer balance in sex. But that's not really a hard or even a soft boundary. I'm game for whatever he's into. My rules are no poop, pee or kids or animals. That's pretty much it. My preference however is balance. So what I want is to give him what he needs. Bdsm isn't something I need.

tbarnes472 -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/7/2014 9:21:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mstrjx For what it's worth... Your profile isn't visible, so I can't tell, but I think knowing something of your age and more importantly his might be of some value. There might be a maturity level (or lack) that 'might' be coming into play. Not that the issue is about me, but part of my beginnings could be relevant. I was a child (5 or so) when I learned I was (going to be) into bondage. As I grew older, I thought bondage was 'it', the activity and the end. I was also raised that hitting a woman was ultra-taboo, and I believed that. To make an interesting story short, I met a woman after college who let me tie her up from time to time, but really wanted more. I guessed that she was into slapping and indulged her (which was against my better judgement), but she ended up stopping me after a time because I 'didn't mean it'. What she wanted was a more BDSM relationship than my bondage leanings could handle. Years later, once I was ready and mature enough to learn about wiitwd, I finally got it. I already figured that the 'hitting a woman' taboo didn't really apply in this case, and that with trust people can explore as they see fit. By that time I was around 30, which might or might not be relevant, but mature to make informed choices. Guilt about doing the right thing or breaking the wrong rules can play tricks on the mind if that is the problem. Guilt. You didn't say so explicitly, but that is part of what I read into it. Once that hurdle is crossed, the world opens up. Good luck. Jeff ALL OF THIS the ultra taboo. The guilt. The whole deal is where he is. I'm 37 and he's 32. I'm the first girlfriend that isn't jealous. Isn't controlling and also isn't submissive. I've been telling him he's the only one judging himself. Because he is. We talked a lot after I posted this and he finally started talking about his feelings more. There is a lot of shame and its throwing him off that I'm NOT judging him. He said he's at this weird point where he's trying to wrap his mind around all of this being okay. There is also a HUGE disconnect between his brain and his body. He can have multiple "dry" orgasms that end up making the chemicals go nuts. So when he came to bed the other night he told me wee were going to have sex a few days in a row without him ejacutlating. Just to see if he can play with the chemical rush. Its been a fun 48 hours. Thanks for catching the guilt because that is exactly what it is. He apologized for the needing two women comment. He said it was because he didn't want to talk about the shame/guilt/wrong factor. He's lucky I'm not insecure.:)

tbarnes472 -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/7/2014 9:22:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12 You're trying to dominate him into dominating you, and it's never going to work. Pressure kills sexual spontaneity and you are piling the pressure on him. Secondly, he sounds like a bit of an ass with the whole not talking, not communicating thing, are you really sure you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't communicate with you? Leave him to his own thing and move on to someone that can make you happier. I think I was pretty clear that I only want the dominance because he is into it. I am content with our back and forth thing. But if he needs to beat me to be sexually engaged I'm game. This isn't my kink. I am trying to get him to understand that he's not abusive for wanting it.

orgasmdenial12 -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/7/2014 9:46:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tbarnes472 quote: ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12 You're trying to dominate him into dominating you, and it's never going to work. Pressure kills sexual spontaneity and you are piling the pressure on him. Secondly, he sounds like a bit of an ass with the whole not talking, not communicating thing, are you really sure you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't communicate with you? Leave him to his own thing and move on to someone that can make you happier. I think I was pretty clear that I only want the dominance because he is into it. But clearly he isn't into it - or not with you, anyway. If he was, you'd already be doing it. quote: ORIGINAL: tbarnes472 But if he needs to beat me to be sexually engaged I'm game. Except that he obviously doesn't need or even want to beat you sexually - it's not him pushing for this, it's you. quote: ORIGINAL: tbarnes472 This isn't my kink. Except that it obviously is. Look at what you are saying: quote: ORIGINAL: tbarnes472 He's insanely gentle but every once in a while I get this crazy hot side of him during sex that just melts me I saw this confident sexy dominant side to this man that I have only seen in bits and pieces over the years. He came out if his shell and it was HOT. I WANTED him to experiment on me too. I've begged him to play with me in the same way I love LOVE love the scene I am willing and turned on by the idea of him hurting me. I want this. I'm not saying this to be an ass. I'm saying it because it's true - you cannot push him to be dominant with you. It is unlikely he will ever want to be dominant with you. Trying to force will drive a wedge between you, as it is already doing. If you are utterly desperate to have a D/s dynamic between you then the only thing you can do is to be more submissive in yourself. This does not mean trying to force him to talk about or act out the dominance you are convinced he is repressing! It means backing off, backing down, letting go of the reins, letting go of trying to control him, being patient, being service-focussed and IF and when he shows any sign of wanting to control you, doing exactly what he says, fully, happily, with no expectations, with a smile on your face and then NOT going on and on about it afterwards. That's about all the advice I have. I wish you good luck.

DesFIP -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/7/2014 10:41:04 AM)
Go to munches. Allow him to meet all kinds of nice people who just get turned on by hitting their partner. Talk to those nice people about how they got over the socialization of not hitting girls. And remember that he's been taught for thirty years to not hit girls, not push them around, not order them around. You can't undo that overnight. In the meantime, ask him for a light spanking and be grateful. Show him that you aren't going to call him an abuser but that instead it makes you happy. Hell, ask for sex afterwards and explain that it turns you on. Tell him that you can't stop thinking about it and can he do it again some time, only longer and harder. Don't use the word but. But is negative. Use and, it's a positive term. Criticism will kill what you're trying to do, positive reinforcement is what's called for. And expect it to take six months to a year to get over the disconnect in his head.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/7/2014 10:45:01 AM)
FR~ With the initial responses, and even with OP's replies, she seems to be pushing him, and not in a good way. She is trying to say that everything is fine except for his guilt. But that is her diagnosis, and convincing him it is the problem - in her eyes. She is all over him, pressuring him from all angles. The poor sod is being smothered. The way I see it, there is obviously a fundamental mis-match between OP and her partner and she is pushing that square peg into a round hole to desperately try and make them fit. With the best will in the world, it ain't gonna happen. One of them will suffer for it. That's my [sm=2cents.gif]

LittleGirlHeart -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/7/2014 1:56:03 PM)
I have a partner who's great at the emotional connection, but will not have sex or bdsm ,or even try to get me off, it's always one excuse after another, he has depression that's not being treated, but treatment and therapy didn't help the sex issue. It's always I'm tired, or I dont feel sexy, so I don't want to give you any sexual attention, or well I am really sweaty and stinky so, now's not a good time. Yada yada has been an issue litterally for almost half the 9 years we've been together, we've been to therapy galor. and I too told him if you won't meet my needs then you have to let someone else, but in this case he said no. Ultimatums , in the long run just don't work. As great as he might be everywhere else, I would not stay in your relationship if it was me , this kind of shabby behavior is not likely to change. All the examples of how much fun others are having will not do any good if he is not engaged and interested or willing . And it seems to me he's just not that interested.

InSilence -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/8/2014 12:45:21 PM)
You are NOT listening/comprehending what the responders are saying/writing !

GoddessManko -> RE: What were your feelings? (12/8/2014 1:10:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: InSilence You are NOT listening/comprehending what the responders are saying/writing ! Thank you so much. This is true. Somehow OP, you are dismissing what we are saying or making it pliable to your personal beliefs. You are once again, like in your relationship, (no offense, you seem very smart and sweet and full of personality) voicing what you think his thoughts are rather than listening and letting him tell you and not thinking it is "his issue" but really "both of your" issues. You seem like a really sweet person and do not take this the wrong way, but your empathy and listening skills seem to need a bit of work. He might be shutting down communicatively because of your lack of willingness to actually listen, not just "hear" and twist the facts to your favor. Couples' therapy might help. I would hate for you two to call it quits only because you are not hearing what he is saying. For myself even if I liked you I would walk away. We're really only trying to help you see the purple elephant in the room. Please be better listener and you'll be a better partner. That was the entire theme of what I wrote along with suggesting therapy several times. That snip wasn't really it. Best of luck to you both, I hope you do some bit of self analyzing about your thoughts and responses not only to him but the issue itself which is causing a"shut down". I'm afraid if you don't you will push him away like others said. This exact thing happened to me. Adored him in many ways but I called it quits IMMEDIATELY. He's at least being patient and trying to make it work. I get that you're maybe bewildered by kink and trying to understand it but please stop validating him and pushing your thoughts on him. That would turn me off as well, I'm sorry. For us it is normal and not a big deal. He doesn't need you to, he just needs you to follow his cues, whatever they are because you're not. If a counselor can help, go to one. You seem to somehow be desperately trying to convince him this relationship can work as is and he seems unhappy in it, I'm really sorry but people do grow apart. Couples, try it. This is really relative to another thread about "communication". In this case I cannot necessarily blame the Dom for your lack of willingness to simply listen and acknowledge. That's all you hun.I am guessing you are trying to understand the lifestyle itself through us and due to your feelings for him you have been compromising along the way. At some point you have to wonder that with all your compromise and over-extending yourself and convincing yourself that you're doing what's best for him, that if you're losing yourself through this entire process.

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