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Wondering why? - 7/13/2006 6:43:51 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

When I feel like that, NO-ONE sees it, it doesn't get out. *I* deal with it, pick myself up, put the pieces back together.... meanwhile I'm probably juggling a number of other peoples problems and supporting them through the process of getting to the other side.





i realize that i am not Dominant, but i tend to do the same when i am hurting, deal with it on my own, don't want others to see, get a handle on it, then i'm okay to face the world.



This post on another thread made me wonder why it is some of us do this, whether we are Dominant or submissive. Although i have spent a great deal of time learning the value of transparency and the need to allow others in when i am hurting, my first reaction when i am really hurting is to withdraw into myself until i get my emotions to a manageable level. And it seems that i am not the only person who reacts this way.

For me i know part of the reason that i do this, one is that when i am really hurting i feel the most vulnerable and don't want anyone else to hurt me more, but the larger part of why i deal with my issues by myself is because i don't want to be too much work. Because for me, being too much work equates to being abandoned, if i'm too much work, the other person will just leave, so i do everything in my power to never be too much work.

So i am wondering if others feel the same way, have the same motivations. i am also wondering how Dominants feel about submissives who are this way, do you want them to deal with their issues by themselves, or is that something you want them to come to you about?

Thank you in advance for your responses.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Wondering why? - 7/13/2006 7:45:29 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		My slave is the moody one.  When he is inone of his moods,  I just pat him on the head and tell him I'm here for him when he's ready, then leave him alone!

(For those inclined to Astrological solutions as to why)

The is a double Cancer with Leo rising.  And we all know when a Cancerian gets into a blue mood, the more you bang on their shell to bring them out..the tighter they close up.  Add theLeo aspect and you have the preservation of ego and dignity at all costs)

I'm list the other two posters, I prefer to withdraw and figure it out for myself,  If  I need help, I'll ask. 

(But then I'm a double Aires with a a Pisces moon and and the majority of my power planets in my 12th house)

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to heartfeltsub)
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RE: Wondering why? - 7/13/2006 9:46:36 AM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		I wouldn't consider myself "moody" per se - however, I do rely on myself first and foremost - even exclusively - for emtional sustaining/comfort.  My moods are my problem, not someone else's.  I don't generally start "opening up" to anyone else about things until I'm past bewilderment or pain and well into sheer murderous Rage.  And then - well - it's generally more like a small nuclear explosion than it is an opening up and letting someone else in.  If I'm in the "pain" stage emotionally - I turn into a complete recluse, and not even my family knows where to find me.

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

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RE: Wondering why? - 7/13/2006 10:21:37 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you for your answers. Just to try to clarify, i am not talking about moods, as i also don't tend to be moody. i was really talking about the big times, when really hurting.

For example, i have been through counseling to deal with being sexually abused as a child. Although i was married at the time, for a number of reasons, my ex-husband didn't attend with me. And when i would come home from one of these sessions, i would get away by myself and cry alone until i could compose myself again. This is a pattern for me when i am really hurting and as i asked in the OP, i was wondering if this is (1) common for both Dominants and submissives and (2) something that a Dominant would want to change or would it be something that a Dominant would prefer to keep the same, as it makes it less work to deal with my emotions, (and yes i know i am asking for a generalization as each Dominant is different).

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RE: Wondering why? - 7/13/2006 10:24:07 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Hello heartfeltsub,

I can hide bugger-all from my Master, it's a waste of time, he can read from a simple *Hello* exactly what is going on at any given time.

My knee-jerk reaction to hurt is to withdraw also but he's not allowed it to be more than a fleeting experience.

I have had similar feelings about *being too much trouble* but he's told me often enough that HE'LL decide when I'm too much trouble....and I know perfectly well now, that he jolly well would, too.

I don't wish to allow others *in*, apart from him, to any significant degree and see no reason to. I'm a solitary person.

While, with every other person in my life, I DO hide my emotions and feelings to a large extent; with him I've been reassured well enough and often enough to know all is safe and well.....it's what makes the relationship unique.

Regards, agirl



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RE: Wondering why? - 7/13/2006 10:55:47 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
I can hide bugger-all from my Master, it's a waste of time, he can read from a simple *Hello* exactly what is going on at any given time.


It is because I do it myself that I tend to be so quick to pick up on when a girl of mine is doing it. And hell no, she isn't dealing alone... I may have to give her a little bit of time to be able to reach out for me, but I have my ways of bringing it out.

Unfortunatly, I know all the tricks to doing that, they don't work on myself. If I could share more of me at such times then maybe I would, but I simply can't. Hardwired not to.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

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RE: Wondering why? - 7/13/2006 2:00:35 PM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Thank you for your answers. Just to try to clarify, i am not talking about moods, as i also don't tend to be moody. i was really talking about the big times, when really hurting.


I thought that was what you were refering to - the BIG occassions.  Emotional pain goes through stages.  It is a process, much like grieving.  Denial, anger, acceptance, etc.
 
I've always been very reclusive about my emotional responces - at least those emotions which I personally percieve as "negative" or at least less desirable.  My emotions are my own - and like my body, they are something that no one else can ever truely take from me or completely control.  Crying?  That's something I simply Don't Do.  I've always seen it as a waste of my time and energy, and a weakness that others can exploit if they happen to see it happening.  With me, at least, keeping those negative emotions to myself is very much a defence mechanism.    (The logic goes something like this : If I am in pain, I am in a weakened state, and therefore more easily  manipulated by someone else.  Since I consider that a bad thing - a Weakness - it is in my own best interests never to allow someone else to see me in a state of emotional pain.  If they do not know about it, they cannot attempt to manipulate or exploit it.)

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
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RE: Wondering why? - 7/13/2006 2:20:47 PM   
IndigoDadesi


Posts: 185
Status: offline 		When youre in a relationship where you are lucky enough to beable to express your inner most anguish and your deepest seeded problems its something to hang onto. But even after finding that relationship it can still be hard to let your gaurd down out of habit. I lived so long gaurding my feelings because I had to. If I didnt others would use that against me to manipulate me and to hurt me for their own pleasure. And now that I have found one who I can trust with my emotions and with my vunerabilities I still have trouble opening up because my subconsious is still telling me to trust no-one.

On the other side too, sometimes it can be hard to be the one trusted that much. It is a great responsibility. You have to be so careful to keep that trust and to make sure the person feels safe when telling you things. They need to feel like you wont judge them or scorn them or belittle their problem or tell anyone else. And what if they tell you something that hurts you, you have to be vunerable yourself. You cant be defensive otherwise they will withdraw from you. Its hard, especially since we are all just using what we know and what weve learned, which isnt always the best way of dealing with things.

~I.D.

< Message edited by IndigoDadesi -- 7/13/2006 2:22:04 PM >

_____________________________

'"Where do we go when we die?" asks Billy. "I don't know. Where are we now?" is the gypsy's reply.'

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RE: Wondering why? - 7/13/2006 2:30:13 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I can really relate to this topic!

I can be completely emotionally devastated on the inside and do the best job in the world of hiding it until I am alone or in a place I am able to let it go. If I were an actress I would definately have a shelf of Oscars.
There is no one in my life that I allow inside that armour. Experience has taught me all to well that the only person I can count on to be there for me, is me.



_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Wondering why? - 7/14/2006 2:40:35 AM   
srllile7


Posts: 75
Joined: 3/30/2006
Status: offline
Heartfelt I do the exact same thing. For me the main reason is what you said about I am already hurt and feeling so vulnerable and don’t want to open my self up because I could easily get hurt again. Other then that I would say I keep to myself and internalize the worries problems what have you because I think I should be strong enough to handle this myself and don’t want to burden others with it, Im here to take care of them in my head not them to take care of me. Lol so pretty much just what Heartfelt said.

_____________________________

I am young and idealistic if you do not agree with what I have to say; wait till tomorrow I may just have changed my stance on things by then.

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RE: Wondering why? - 7/14/2006 2:53:19 AM   
wandering4u


Posts: 167
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline 		Its a matter of trust and caring. If I see the emotional hurt, I ask about it and draw it out. It may take time but eventually, it comes out.  IMHO, something that stressful/important needs to be addressed, either by talking it out or being emtionally supportive. 

(in reply to srllile7)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Wondering why? - 7/14/2006 4:06:43 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I too tend to internalize things that hurt me. Not because my pair would not be there, they are, but because much like you sometimes i do not wish to upset them or be a problem.

And often i just need to work it out myself. I hate to admit this but when i am in that kind of pain i would rather "talk” to a Harley. They never criticize, they never give you platitudes because that's all they can think of, they never blab they saw you cry(got to keep that image) and they never tell your secrets. They are never in a bad mood or busy, I cannot upset them no matter what I say, as long as I remember oil and gas they are pretty forgiving. Plus working on or polishing them is a Zen thing for me. It allows me to calm down and gather my thoughts.

Part of that may be if my bike dies i can get it a new part unlike my human loves. And if something goes wrong with a motorcycle it is my own fault, i can only blame me and i can fix it. Part of it may be bikes are my first and most enduring love.

I know sometimes this drives my pair nuts, they wish i would come to them first. But thankfully they also recognize that the garage is my "safe" place and tend to let me go if they hear heavy metal music blaring and see me wrenching away.

I think a lot of subs/slaves do this(internalize not wrench) for the same reasons; we do not wish to be a problem or a burden even if our owners would gladly shoulder that burden as part of their care and concern for us. As subs/slaves many of us strive for perfection, we think we must be perfect and not a problem even though that is not true.



_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Wondering why? - 7/14/2006 4:19:45 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Thank you for your answers. Just to try to clarify, i am not talking about moods, as i also don't tend to be moody. i was really talking about the big times, when really hurting.

For example, i have been through counseling to deal with being sexually abused as a child. Although i was married at the time, for a number of reasons, my ex-husband didn't attend with me. And when i would come home from one of these sessions, i would get away by myself and cry alone until i could compose myself again. This is a pattern for me when i am really hurting and as i asked in the OP, i was wondering if this is (1) common for both Dominants and submissives and (2) something that a Dominant would want to change or would it be something that a Dominant would prefer to keep the same, as it makes it less work to deal with my emotions, (and yes i know i am asking for a generalization as each Dominant is different).


Hello again heartfeltsub,

When I'm in huge emotional pain it's not actually possible to *talk*.....I am a mass of emotions and feelings and wouldn't be able to verbalise properly. I simply HURT. Talking would come later when the raw emotions have subsided. I see that as pretty normal, really.

If my sprogs are sobbing into their pillow copiously, that generally has been the wrong time to ask them to *tell me what's wrong*, even though I want to KNOW what's wrong.

agirl



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RE: Wondering why? - 7/14/2006 5:01:04 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

When I feel like that, NO-ONE sees it, it doesn't get out. *I* deal with it, pick myself up, put the pieces back together.... meanwhile I'm probably juggling a number of other peoples problems and supporting them through the process of getting to the other side.





i realize that i am not Dominant, but i tend to do the same when i am hurting, deal with it on my own, don't want others to see, get a handle on it, then i'm okay to face the world.



This post on another thread made me wonder why it is some of us do this, whether we are Dominant or submissive. Although i have spent a great deal of time learning the value of transparency and the need to allow others in when i am hurting, my first reaction when i am really hurting is to withdraw into myself until i get my emotions to a manageable level. And it seems that i am not the only person who reacts this way.

For me i know part of the reason that i do this, one is that when i am really hurting i feel the most vulnerable and don't want anyone else to hurt me more, but the larger part of why i deal with my issues by myself is because i don't want to be too much work. Because for me, being too much work equates to being abandoned, if i'm too much work, the other person will just leave, so i do everything in my power to never be too much work.

So i am wondering if others feel the same way, have the same motivations. i am also wondering how Dominants feel about submissives who are this way, do you want them to deal with their issues by themselves, or is that something you want them to come to you about?

Thank you in advance for your responses.


When My mother died last year, I was stoic, I had to be, I did everything, shielded My child from as much of the after as possible--no one saw and I kept it well hidden continuing to move ahead--then I was badly injured by My horse a few months after---again, I kept going--smiling--keeping things together--then the house of cards fell apart--and I found Myself saying, " I cannot do this alone"---and one by one "acquaintances" drifted off, but one by one, My deepest friends rallied---I have never in My life let someone else help carry the load--I learned that I don't have to all the time--that occasionally its on to say---damnit I need a tad of help!

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


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RE: Wondering why? - 7/14/2006 5:09:05 AM   
Irishblu


Posts: 61
Status: offline 		I keep everything inside and as far as anyone can tell I am just peachy.  I figure if they can't "see" the hurt, they can't hurt me.  I am a people person and especially with those I am familiar with, I can tell when something is bothering them and I will wait and if they don't come to me, I will ask, then go from there.

When I was with my Sir, we both could tell with just a "Hello" that something was wrong with the other.  Like he always told me, he may not have all the answers or he may not be able to fix it, but he can help me through it.

I feel the same way, if someone close to me is hurting, esp my evil spawns, I will slay dragons for them.  And if I cannot slay that particular dragon for them, then I sure as hell can hear what it did to hurt them and give them my opinion on how to slay it themselves. Which usually is the best medicine for a hurt.

Be safe and be well,
irish



_____________________________

Be safe and be well,
irishblu

"For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self-sacrifice--no paper currency, no promises to pay, but the gold of real service." -John Burroughs

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RE: Wondering why? - 7/14/2006 5:34:44 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you one and all for your answers, they have been very helpful to not feeling alone in this. i know exactly what you meant twice about wanting to be perfect and never too much trouble. i have talked with some Doms who the "hiding when i am hurting" would not be allowable, while others have not said that, so i was curious how Doms handle this with their subs, and thank you for those words as well.

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RE: Wondering why? - 7/14/2006 6:43:52 AM   
LL1aintbehavin


Posts: 104
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline 		heartfeltsub.
Its so strange reading this post as only last night i was talking to my Dom about the same issue.
i am with him 24/7 in the states, and my kids are in Canada.
When things happen i feel so torn and split, but i try and keep it to myself and not say anything until it all errupts in tears.
i don't like to let Him know i am torn between two places, and my life is with Him, as my kids are adults now, but being with Him is the first time i have not lived with my kids.
i feel that if i keep crying and feeling upset and torn that one day He may say just go back and be with them done and be done with my pityful crying.
He states no, but i still try and keep a lot of the pain and hurt inside as to not burden Him with things that are the way that they are.
i hope that makes sense to you.
aintbehavin

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RE: Wondering why? - 7/14/2006 7:10:21 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		It makes perfect sense to me.

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Wondering why? - 7/14/2006 7:23:14 AM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline 		I'll just say what the issue is, and that I need to deal with it on my own.

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Wondering why? - 7/14/2006 7:25:21 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Would you allow the same behavior from one that You control?

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Profile   Post #: 20
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