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GoddessManko -> RE: Subs: Enjoying 40% and suffering 60%? You're spoiled (12/10/2014 10:02:13 AM)
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ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
Perfect timing with your post, Greta!
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ORIGINAL: Greta75
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ORIGINAL: experiment2
any sub who experiences a 40 % enjoyment rate has found a wonderful situation. i would gladly accept a 60% suffering for being the "s" in a Domme/s relationship. the primary role for a submissive is to please onse Mistress. if she allowed me the priviledge of 40% enjoyment, i would expect little more. why would i want more? the suffereing is pleasurable in its own way with the knowledge that your Mistress is getting Her enjoyment from my "suffering". am i missing something?
Actually, according to your description, it sounds like in that situation, you are enjoying 100%, because you enjoy the sufferings as well.
But nothing wrong with that, it's perfect compatibility.
That's the whole gist of the matter, S&M compatibility in the BDSM. Further, just because an s-type-bottom is not a hard-core masochist, does not make him non-masochistic. There is mental sado-masochism, and if you look up "humiliation," which a large number of male (dunno about female, no experience there) subs are into - that whole "I'm a worthless pig-pathetic slavedog-lowly worm, unworthy to lick your boots" spiel/must eat slave gruel out of a dogbowl on the floor (in it's more extreme expressions) - this is considered to be a mild form of sadism (giving) and masochism (receiving). experiment2 does not identify as a masochist. Neither did my late husband, who was mainly into verbal humiliation. They do not enjoy physical pain, per se. I don't consider myself a sadist, and yet for me to be able to share in my husband's excitement (and recently with a close to 5-month long on-line relationship I ended last month), I had to come to terms with the realization that I am capable of being mentally sadistic with the right (mentally masochistic) partner as mild as it is/was. I will not go around calling myself a sadist, and I don't want a maso partner, but I'm not in denial about this either.
@GoddessManko, I know the bulk of your comments were directed to YouName. Nevertheless, it is not an indictment of sadists to point out that there has to be a corresponding compatibility, or else it's abuse and not BDSM that one is engaging in. That's the position I'm coming from, when enjoying the suffering of others becomes one-sided and isn't complementary in terms of reciprocity. Operating at varying levels and in varying degrees or intensities, one party may have a broader range of sadistic tendencies (as I believe might apply to you) while the other party has a limited range of masochistic tendencies. Not an outright mismatch, just not a perfect match. There are physical-sensation sado-masochists who are not into the mental aspect of sadism/masochism. Ideally, we would match up accordingly, but that is not always the case.
Here's the thing though Fiery, I know I'm usually the most competent and responsible person in the room. This is 32 years of a time tested theory and I will not start suddenly believe otherwise until someone actually allows me to for a change. I know what works and does not work in a D/s dynamic. I don't fuck up in this area, ever. I don't need to be told what works or doesn't but if someone chooses to deceive another to get their fix, no one can tell me what they do or do not deserve. Objective opinion is fine but people need to stop acting like they know jack other than what is on the screen in front of them about other peoples' lives.
I have been a part of this lifestyle since before I popped my cherry or became an adult. Some people discover it through trial and error but I believe it was always inherently a part of me. I didn't experiment with bdsm through vanilla, it was the other way around. I think my real world experience has been a great teacher. Whatever a D decides to do is within his own right, and a sub can withdraw at any time. If there is proof of otherwise, 911 should be on speed dial. But other than that, grow up is my response to someone thinking they can tell a Dom how to Dom. LOL @ that.
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ORIGINAL: littleladybug
If I feel that I am "suffering" in any way, shape or form, I know that relationship is not the right one for me.
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I believe this is one of the cruelest things that a Dom can do to a sub (that is, the general "being ignored"). It's one thing, IMO, to step back when upset or angry and try to regroup, and it's quite another to ignore someone as a sort of punishment or part of "training". To me, it shows a fundamental lack of compassion and maturity.
There are many forms of suffering, and causing non-consensual suffering is abusive behavior. Participating in non-consensual suffering displays a dysfunctional co-dependency with the abuser, which is all too frequent with D/s-M/s pairings.
[Edited for punctuation]
If someone ignores a ranting child, that shows the opposite of immaturity, it means you choose not to indulge a whiny child desperate for attention. It's about time they learn that such actions do not lead to desired reactions. I don't entertain entitlement, my response is "shoo, that-away". Nor should anyone indulge in co-dependency which I think would explain another D's perception of "married subs". Have I kicked a married guy in the balls? Yes. Did he enjoy it? Yes. Did I keep him? Of course not, we both just needed a kink fix.
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