I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (Full Version)

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twitchelvi -> I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/9/2014 1:47:20 AM)

Wow! I am fairly new to this lifestyle, have some experience but have found from this site that I have a lot to learn! I have some experience and have done a lot of research and talked with several people, both dominant and submissive, but now I know that I don't know even a fraction of what I thought I did! My view of things is that if I work hard to take care of my family, at work and at home, I should be able to have my needs met as I want in the bedroom. Most of us men want in one way or another the "angel in the living room, devil in the bedroom" type. Most of the women here I have found fit that description, but I what I am wondering is this... Is it possible in this type of relationship to have at times the woman I want in the bedroom to use how I want, to train her to make me happy, but also have a woman who will also at times love passionately? Can I have a woman to both use and obey me, but also who will come to me and love and hold me at other times?



DaddySatyr -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/9/2014 1:53:23 AM)


Yep! Tell that lady you're "training" that that is what you expect.

Welcome to collarchat!



Michael



FieryOpal -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/9/2014 2:06:06 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: twitchelvi

Is it possible in this type of relationship to have at times the woman I want in the bedroom to use how I want, to train her to make me happy, but also have a woman who will also at times love passionately? Can I have a woman to both use and obey me, but also who will come to me and love and hold me at other times?

I don't see why not, but what you are describing is more of a female switch, since you don't wish for her to be submissive all the time with you. You might be able to find a bedroom submissive who might be willing to service Top you from time to time.

There is no need for me to go into a long drawn-out explanation, since I am not a submissive female, but suffice it to say that your best bet is to seek out a switch and to add Actively Seeking Switch Women to your profile.
Welcome to the site and to the forum side where we hope you will stick around.[sm=welcome.gif]



Kaliko -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/9/2014 3:58:51 AM)

Short answer: Yes.

Longer answer: I can't speak about others' relationships (though I'm sure there are many more out there like mine), but how it works in mine is that yes, I am obedient to him. But that doesn't mean that I need his directive to act on every little thing. If I am feeling amorous, I can certainly initiate sex. Now, if he had laid down the law that I am not to initiate sex, then it would certainly be disobedient for me to do so. Thankfully, though, me climbing on top of him and purring for sex is not something he discourages.

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

I don't see why not, but what you are describing is more of a female switch, since you don't wish for her to be submissive all the time with you. You might be able to find a bedroom submissive who might be willing to service Top you from time to time.


Hmm. I don't see "switch" in the OP. I love my Dominant passionately and I hold him and touch him and do all sorts of things to him and for him without him having to tell me to. But I am definitely not a switch. If the OP had said he was looking for someone to take control in the bedroom, perhaps my answer would be different. But it seems like he is just looking for someone to feel free to explore her passion with him.






FieryOpal -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/9/2014 5:36:55 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

Short answer: Yes.

Longer answer: I can't speak about others' relationships (though I'm sure there are many more out there like mine), but how it works in mine is that yes, I am obedient to him. But that doesn't mean that I need his directive to act on every little thing. If I am feeling amorous, I can certainly initiate sex. Now, if he had laid down the law that I am not to initiate sex, then it would certainly be disobedient for me to do so. Thankfully, though, me climbing on top of him and purring for sex is not something he discourages.

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

I don't see why not, but what you are describing is more of a female switch, since you don't wish for her to be submissive all the time with you. You might be able to find a bedroom submissive who might be willing to service Top you from time to time.

Hmm. I don't see "switch" in the OP. I love my Dominant passionately and I hold him and touch him and do all sorts of things to him and for him without him having to tell me to. But I am definitely not a switch. If the OP had said he was looking for someone to take control in the bedroom, perhaps my answer would be different. But it seems like he is just looking for someone to feel free to explore her passion with him.
quote:

ORIGINAL: twitchelvi

Can I have a woman to both use and obey me, but also who will come to me and love and hold me at other times?

A man wanting to be used by a woman is male subspeak.
From OP's profile: "I am a Dominant but have occasionally fantasized about what it could be like as a Sub also."
"I am looking for someone submissive at the time, but like I said my mind is slightly open to being the one controlled."

Kaliko, I refrained from elaborating when posting, but I'll tell you why I assessed OP would have optimum results with a female switch.
Tell me if you feel differently, since you are a slave, but if your Master wanted to have you control him and to sub for you in the bedroom, would you be amenable to that? Would you do it out of obedience, or would it make you feel uncomfortable as a sub yourself?



InHisHeart -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/9/2014 6:10:31 AM)

We're D/s in and out of the bedroom and in our relationship, I'm free to initiate sex, love up on him, cuddle, suggest our kinks or a night without kinks, whatever I want, we're both very passionate in and out of the bedroom. Since he's the Dom, he certainly has the right to say "no" or the right to do what he wants whether it's how I want it or not, which is a right I do not have. I'm free to suggest we go out for dinner, watch a movie, paint the living room, whatever comes to mind that I want. He has the final say sexually and non-sexually but he always takes my thoughts, feelings and wants into consideration.

I didn't see switch in the OP either until I read his profile. Yes you can have it both ways, you find a partner that wants the same dynamics in a relationship that you want. The only rules are the rules for your relationship. If you want to be controlled occasionally, look for a switch that maybe leans more towards the sub side.



Kaliko -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/9/2014 6:30:16 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

Short answer: Yes.

Longer answer: I can't speak about others' relationships (though I'm sure there are many more out there like mine), but how it works in mine is that yes, I am obedient to him. But that doesn't mean that I need his directive to act on every little thing. If I am feeling amorous, I can certainly initiate sex. Now, if he had laid down the law that I am not to initiate sex, then it would certainly be disobedient for me to do so. Thankfully, though, me climbing on top of him and purring for sex is not something he discourages.

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

I don't see why not, but what you are describing is more of a female switch, since you don't wish for her to be submissive all the time with you. You might be able to find a bedroom submissive who might be willing to service Top you from time to time.

Hmm. I don't see "switch" in the OP. I love my Dominant passionately and I hold him and touch him and do all sorts of things to him and for him without him having to tell me to. But I am definitely not a switch. If the OP had said he was looking for someone to take control in the bedroom, perhaps my answer would be different. But it seems like he is just looking for someone to feel free to explore her passion with him.
quote:

ORIGINAL: twitchelvi

Can I have a woman to both use and obey me, but also who will come to me and love and hold me at other times?

A man wanting to be used by a woman is male subspeak.
From OP's profile: "I am a Dominant but have occasionally fantasized about what it could be like as a Sub also."
"I am looking for someone submissive at the time, but like I said my mind is slightly open to being the one controlled."

Kaliko, I refrained from elaborating when posting, but I'll tell you why I assessed OP would have optimum results with a female switch.
Tell me if you feel differently, since you are a slave, but if your Master wanted to have you control him and to sub for you in the bedroom, would you be amenable to that? Would you do it out of obedience, or would it make you feel uncomfortable as a sub yourself?



Ah, I see. From the OP, I took his statement "to use and obey me" to mean someone for him to use. Meaning, he wants to use her and have her obey him, but still wants her to love him and hold him. If I mistook what he said, then yes, I agree with you. (Though I do believe there are submissives who will say they don't have trouble topping their dominants in the bedroom. But I am not one of them.)

You are right, though. His profile does make me see switch. I didn't see it from his post.



GoddessManko -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/9/2014 6:38:55 AM)

FR, In this case I think Kaliko might be right though I understand Fiery's perceptions. It's the framing of the sentence that makes it somewhat confusing. But OP, yes. You can have whatever you desire in a relationship. I saw a sub yesterday in a tutu and thought "ah hah"! Never knew that was a kink. I'm happy you're open to learning and teaching/leading and wish you the best on this journey and your search OP.



FieryOpal -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/9/2014 8:09:39 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
quote:

ORIGINAL: twitchelvi

Can I have a woman to both use and obey me, but also who will come to me and love and hold me at other times?


Ah, I see. From the OP, I took his statement "to use and obey me" to mean someone for him to use. Meaning, he wants to use her and have her obey him, but still wants her to love him and hold him. If I mistook what he said, then yes, I agree with you. (Though I do believe there are submissives who will say they don't have trouble topping their dominants in the bedroom. But I am not one of them.)

You are right, though. His profile does make me see switch. I didn't see it from his post.

Yes, OP's sentence can read that he wants to both use a woman and also have a woman obey him. It would make sense for you to interpret it as such because we have varying perspectives. You are attuned to men with Dominant natures, and I am more attuned to those with a submissive nature.
But the way I see it is why would a Dom ask whether it was all right to do both? This should be a given.
I detect two types of S/switchiness here (not the third type with bisexual S/switches who alternate between wanting to Top one gender but bottom with the other).

Btw, I'm one of the fewer Dommes who will consider a male switch, which my profile's Actively Seeking reflects, so I've gotten used to having to differentiate among them. The reason being, it makes a difference to me what their motivations are and how they see themselves.
There's the vanilla S/switch, as I call them. They basically want bedroom D/s with an egalitarian type of dynamic outside of the bedroom, where they act like a relatively ordinary vanilla couple. This kind of S/switch may be either more BDSM Top-oriented or more BDSM bottom-oriented. He doesn't want a 24/7 TPE D/s dynamic.
Then there's the S/switch who is essentially a kinky bottom. He still wants vanilla sexual relations, but hasn't come to terms with his submissive tendencies, but he can wrap his head around preferring an assertive woman, and of being her bitch. He is not seeking to become a lifestyle submissive--he just wants kinky sex.
There are other types beyond the three I've mentioned, but they don't concern me personally for screening purposes since I don't go beyond a 20-25/80-75 Top/bottom split.

Irrespective of where OP falls or doesn't fall on the spectrum, the kind of woman he seeks will more than likely not be found with those who self-identify as a submissive or slave. At the starting gate, they tend to prefer Doms who can demonstrate Dominance, not Doms who talk about how willing they are to explore their submissive urges. Not unless they are already open to the idea of considering a male Switch for a Dom to begin with. There are always exceptions, but with OP being new enough to D/s and wanting to find more than just a (casual) BDSM play partner, I feel he will make a better fit with a female switch in the long run and in an LTR commitment.



DesFIP -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/9/2014 8:49:11 AM)

If it helps, he opened the same thread in Ask a Sub, but clarifying that he wants to be the one using.

And yeah, sounds like a normal relationship to me. Sometimes he's pushing me down and spanking me while I'm yelping and sometimes we're cuddling on the couch watching tv. Be clear about what you're looking for, make sure the other person wants the same thing, and everything should be fine.

There's no BDSM handbook that prohibits anything. It's entirely up to the two people involved.



Gauge -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/9/2014 12:00:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: twitchelvi

Wow! I am fairly new to this lifestyle, have some experience but have found from this site that I have a lot to learn! I have some experience and have done a lot of research and talked with several people, both dominant and submissive, but now I know that I don't know even a fraction of what I thought I did! My view of things is that if I work hard to take care of my family, at work and at home, I should be able to have my needs met as I want in the bedroom. Most of us men want in one way or another the "angel in the living room, devil in the bedroom" type. Most of the women here I have found fit that description, but I what I am wondering is this... Is it possible in this type of relationship to have at times the woman I want in the bedroom to use how I want, to train her to make me happy, but also have a woman who will also at times love passionately? Can I have a woman to both use and obey me, but also who will come to me and love and hold me at other times?


Of course you can. What you want is a personal choice, how you go about finding it is up to you.

Welcome to the forums, and more importantly, welcome to the BDSM lifestyle. There is a book list you might be interested in glancing over, it is at the top of the General BDSM forum. Here is the link: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm



twitchelvi -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/9/2014 4:49:21 PM)

Thank you all for your responses! To clarify, I was getting the impression that this type of lifestyle was usually an all or nothing type of thing. I was wondering if it was possible in a Dom/Sub relationship for me to be in control, but sometimes have things be "normal or vanilla" in the bedroom. From the responses I have gotten I see that yes, this dynamic does exist. Thanks again for all of the input!



SeekingTrinity -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/9/2014 6:06:34 PM)

Nope, it's not all or nothing at all. My guy and I are switches...and we switch with each other. Which is definitely outside of the norm. We also have times where we are very vanilla in everything we do.

All you have to do is be straight up about who you are and what you want. There generally is a key to fit every lock in a metaphorical sense.



Gauge -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/9/2014 6:56:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: twitchelvi

Thank you all for your responses! To clarify, I was getting the impression that this type of lifestyle was usually an all or nothing type of thing. I was wondering if it was possible in a Dom/Sub relationship for me to be in control, but sometimes have things be "normal or vanilla" in the bedroom. From the responses I have gotten I see that yes, this dynamic does exist. Thanks again for all of the input!


I'll answer your question the best way I know how.

Sometimes I crave incapacitating my slut and doing with her what I please, other times slam fucking her without restraints is not out of the question. BDSM involvement does not exclude vanilla sex.

In short: you make your dynamic suit you and your partner.



ResidentSadist -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/11/2014 12:10:51 AM)

BDSM and leather relationship roles do not preclude normal emotions. To me, the leather lifestyle is just a framework to express things like love, lust, passion, affection etc... as well as exercise some kinks. To others, BDSM is just a kink-centric platform for pleasure. As others have pointed out, the choice is up to you & your partner(s).

There is a book by Gloria Brame in which she interviews people in different styles of leather and BDSM relationships, i. e. ponies, pets, slaves, submissives, Masters etc. It is a close up look at what makes them tic. You may find this book interesting since it deals with leather, kink and how they integrate with relationships. Also, plenty of other stuff to fuel a quest for knowledge in the -=BDSM Book List=- .

Different Loving : The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission
by Gloria G. Brame, Jon Jacobs, Will Brame
They begin by asking "What is normal ?" and note that if "normal" means reproductive relevance as in the Victorian standard, then few are normal. What is clear is that what is painful for some is pleasurable for others, what is unacceptable for some is delightful for others, what is frightening for some is a natural high for others.



LookieNoNookie -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/12/2014 8:15:36 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: twitchelvi

Wow! I am fairly new to this lifestyle, have some experience but have found from this site that I have a lot to learn! I have some experience and have done a lot of research and talked with several people, both dominant and submissive, but now I know that I don't know even a fraction of what I thought I did! My view of things is that if I work hard to take care of my family, at work and at home, I should be able to have my needs met as I want in the bedroom. Most of us men want in one way or another the "angel in the living room, devil in the bedroom" type. Most of the women here I have found fit that description, but I what I am wondering is this... Is it possible in this type of relationship to have at times the woman I want in the bedroom to use how I want, to train her to make me happy, but also have a woman who will also at times love passionately? Can I have a woman to both use and obey me, but also who will come to me and love and hold me at other times?


Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....

(Not with your wife).



twitchelvi -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/13/2014 7:54:05 PM)

Again I want to thank everyone for their comments here, good and bad, I appreciate all of them. I just want to clarify something else here though. Several people have commented about what is written in my profile, about being open to the possibility of being in the position of a Sub for someone. I do consider myself Dominant, very much so and I don't really think I could be a Submissive person, taking orders from someone else. However, with sex, as with most things in life, I don't believe you can say you don't like something without trying it once or twice. I have seen many people here talk about how they were Dominant until this or that happened and now they have changed their view, etc, etc. I don't see myself enjoying the position of a Sub., but am open to possibly trying once or twice in the right situation so that I am at least giving it a shot. It could possibly be one of those things that turns out to be something I might enjoy.



FieryOpal -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/13/2014 10:55:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: twitchelvi

Again I want to thank everyone for their comments here, good and bad, I appreciate all of them. I just want to clarify something else here though. Several people have commented about what is written in my profile, about being open to the possibility of being in the position of a Sub for someone. I do consider myself Dominant, very much so and I don't really think I could be a Submissive person, taking orders from someone else. However, with sex, as with most things in life, I don't believe you can say you don't like something without trying it once or twice. I have seen many people here talk about how they were Dominant until this or that happened and now they have changed their view, etc, etc. I don't see myself enjoying the position of a Sub., but am open to possibly trying once or twice in the right situation so that I am at least giving it a shot. It could possibly be one of those things that turns out to be something I might enjoy.

OP, your feedback to the feedback you've received is appreciated. What new posters often aren't aware of is that many posters will read the OP's profile and journal entries, even their posting history. It's an accepted practice to gain more dimensionality, and everyone has their own posting style. Take what you can and leave the rest because ultimately, these are just individual opinions.

Since nobody else has come right out and told you this, I might mention that the surest way to shoot yourself in the foot is to do what's called the "bait-and-switch," with emphasis on S/switch. You've been upfront and candid here, and there's no reason to believe that you wouldn't be the same with others on line. I will make a recommendation for what it's worth. Since you are seeking women, you should be apprised that many women encounter this in their dealings with men. (I can't speak for the other way around, and it's not relevant herein.) There's really no way to tiptoe around this point. BOTH submissives and Dommes are wary of S/switches. I think when you refer to submission, you mean BDSM bottoming. Not all, but a good many female submissives do not want to do Topping and would consider it a kind of punishment. This is why there are male S/switches on this site who maintain two profiles--one as a Dom and one as a sub. As a Dom, they seek out sub partners; as a sub they seek out a Domme. A female S/switch, on the other hand, unless she has a specific preference in a play partner, will be much more open to a Dom wanting to explore bottoming, depending on the nature of it (compatibility-wise).

Please do reread this thread in a couple of months and this will make more sense to you. I'm imparting as much as I can to clue you in, but I have a feeling you'll have to test the waters for yourself before you can grasp what I've been saying. Also, those who have changed orientations, don't "switch" back & forth from Dominant/submissive and from submissive/Dominant unless they do identify as a S/switch. Good luck finding what you seek.



twitchelvi -> RE: I have a lot to learn!!! Wow!! (12/14/2014 1:47:14 AM)

Again, thanks for more input. I am pretty sure that I do understand what you are saying. What I had been trying to say in one way or another in my profile was only that I had an open mind about trying things as a Sub if the right situation came about. I am not, nor was I actively looking for that, just figured I should mention so as not to shut the door on possibilities. Now though, after my post here and due to some other comments I have recieved, I am going to take a look at my profile and change some things around. Thanks again!



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