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Fear of the Unknown--LDR - 7/13/2006 8:15:27 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
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Many of our posts have dealt with LDR's--the trials, tribulations, the joys and the heartaches---it appears that many many people are looking outside their area for a multitude of reasons--- raising new issues----one of which I would call "the fear of the unknown"---what's happening that "isn't seen, isn't known". I have seen many posts where they mention doubt, uncertainty, eroding trust--the voice in the night starts playing mind games with the "what ifs", often for no reason.

How do you control "your" worries, concerns, fears, mistrust and how do you support your "other half" when they experience it?

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

Post #: 1

RE: Fear of the Unknown--LDR - 7/13/2006 8:48:31 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

For myself, I try to use this as a guide. The basic tenants:

"Fear often originates from a sense of not being in control. We use control to manage people and situations that we do not understand or that threaten to expose our lack of self-love. If we accepted people and situations for what they are, we would be back to the universal definition of love - which is,
"Love is the opposite of fear"."

In supporting anyone in my world to work through these things, I try to have compassion. This includes support and having compassion for myself. It's just damned hard to even admit we're afraid sometimes. This can make us behave in unpleasant and/or undesirable ways. Loving the person, but not the action, is the ideal in these situations. As LuckyAlbatross has said: There is such a thing as unconditional love; there is no such a thing as unconditional relationships. I love slave jason, but his behavior shows that he's afraid of a lot of different things and isn't willing to neither see nor deal with them. you know people like this, too. So, we let them be as they are while, possibly, distancing ourselves if the negative behavior is harmful to us. We cannot make them become aware and/or awake...so we watch and wait and encourage. The main thing to remember is that we cannot FORCE them to behave as we feel they should nor can we FORCE them to do as we think they should, even as a Master to a slave. It has to be their willing, conscious decision to do it.

For those who DO decide to do it, share with them some things that have helped you. Maybe you read a particular book or did a specific exercise that helped. Share that with them. Be an ear for their fear (but watch out that you don't get sucked into a never ending drama). Maybe you went somewhere that was just awe inspiring. Share that. Maybe you know someone who has worked through the same fear who is willing to talk to them. All these things can help, but most of all, just be a friend.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 2

RE: Fear of the Unknown--LDR - 7/13/2006 11:30:11 AM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline

i know that for me, most of my fears, doubts, jealousies and mistrust, not only in people, but in life itself, were a result of my own insecurities, anger, and lack of self worth and value, and negative self speak.

Once i became my own best company, and learned to love myself past my pain, and let it go, i learned to trust in myself and in my ability to overcome most situations. i no longer have many fears these days, i have found i have a great reserve of courage, padded by lots of love and spirit, that was always there, but buried beneath the layers of rubbish. *smile

Since i have been able to trust in my own gut and instincts, i find it much easier to trust in others more freely and openly. i decided to trust Master in our LDR relatoinship. i decided that i would rather be all or nothing, and that means i either am going to trust him, or i am not. It is the same with any principle, when i love it is without condition, and just for the sake of feeling good about being able to love freely in the first place.  That is my freedom at present. When i laugh, it is no longer feigned or strained, it is with all of me, and if i cry it is intense enough to cleanse and heal myself through the tears that wash my spirit clean. i have a renewed faith in life and the universe, but also in myself and my own ability to overcome. i have nothing to hide, and am honest with myself first, which enables me to be honest with others.

i allow myself to feel. i allow myself to be loved, by even myself. i found that no one can truly own a universal love and principle, it is free for who ever wishes to experience it, and there is plenty to go around, so why should i be selfish and try to place conditions as if i own it? i no longer need to deny myself love, for i am only punishing myself for the hurts of others. i allow myself to feel pain. i do not try to repress it or run from it.  It is the same with fears, facing them, once i got past the first few, is now an automatic occurence in my psyche. So when i smile, there is no flavor of "bittersweet" resting on my tongue any longer.

Once i was able to see emotions for what the were; temporal and fleeting, and that i needn't carry them around with me for years, (for really, they have no base line and didn't do a thing for me except keep me down and burdened, like that saying "misery loves company"), i was able to unload them, all of them.  My vision became crystal clear. Many of my fears, insecurities, and doubts left with the motherload. i no longer feel jealous or deprived when the one i have decided to love, shares that love with another. Instead i am able to feel empathy for the other, and feel glad that someone else is able to feel loved, instead of left alone and hurting. i am no longer selfish with love and affection. i am glad for the honesty and respect Master and i share in all of this.

i have learned that love cannot be caged, it must be free, or i will loose it. i also know that there is only one of me, and i am unique, special and have lots to offer. Through this realization, i have experienced a deeper trust in the love and respect i receive from others. i also discovered, that no one person may be able to fill all my needs and desires. i may not be able to fill all the needs and desires of another, and that this is okay. i have learned that it is okay to share my love and still trust in the love i receive and give. This is why i am able to trust in Master in our LDR. For we each are free to love others, but retain that respect and love that is special between us. This is also why i am able to understand how loving more than one, can be a wonderful experience, increasing and multiplying that love and fulfilling mutual needs, and allowing each other to have our needs fulfilled by others who can, if we are not able to. i no longer feel a need to fear for i am not denied my needs or desires or love. Without fear of loss or betrayal, or any other unexpected occurence, for i do my best to live in the moment, jealousy and mistrust are wiped out of my mind and have no place to rest upon my spirit.

This is the basics of what i learned along the years in my journey. Through many years of struggling, i have learned to value and see life from a new perspective and create a much needed shift in my paradigm. i believe that life is too short to waste living and being ruled by my fears, which for the most part are unfounded and only based on temporal emotions and silly imaginings. i refuse to continue to torture myself with needless "what if" predictions that are my minds fictions. i continually "decide" to find, know and love my strengths and values, and love and trust in who i am and am becoming. Just sharing myself with yall...*smile

~raiken

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 3

RE: Fear of the Unknown--LDR - 7/13/2006 11:38:52 AM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

Many of our posts have dealt with LDR's--the trials, tribulations, the joys and the heartaches---it appears that many many people are looking outside their area for a multitude of reasons--- raising new issues----one of which I would call "the fear of the unknown"---what's happening that "isn't seen, isn't known". I have seen many posts where they mention doubt, uncertainty, eroding trust--the voice in the night starts playing mind games with the "what ifs", often for no reason.

How do you control "your" worries, concerns, fears, mistrust and how do you support your "other half" when they experience it?

Ooooh MH, a topic near and dear to my heart here. Doubts? I should hope that any doubts I have or have had about it working out between myself and pup are gone. You know above anyone else (Besides RavenMuse) how difficult the age issue has been with us and how hard it has been to overcome it. My doubts are stemming from the move itself, the fear of the unknown and not about whether it will work out between me and pup. We have maintained a LDR for close to 9 months and I feel it is time for one of us to make the move. Since he is unable to do that, then that move is left up to me. My fear is not that I will be alone when I get there, hell I have been living alone for a long time now, but that I will not have ANY neighbors at all. Not that I neighbor <shivers>, but it was nice to know that if I needed immediate help, someone was within yelling distance. There is NO ONE around where I am moving. It is a blessing and a curse. Scary and exciting at the same time.

As far as supporting pup, sheesh the boy is like a rock. He is not nervous, worried or mistrustful about any part of the move. He is excited and thrilled. There is nothing that he wants more and he is very positive about the whole thing. He only has to deal with his Mistress, who is a wreck at this time <smile>

_____________________________

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 4

RE: Fear of the Unknown--LDR - 7/13/2006 11:41:23 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

Many of our posts have dealt with LDR's--the trials, tribulations, the joys and the heartaches---it appears that many many people are looking outside their area for a multitude of reasons--- raising new issues----one of which I would call "the fear of the unknown"---what's happening that "isn't seen, isn't known". I have seen many posts where they mention doubt, uncertainty, eroding trust--the voice in the night starts playing mind games with the "what ifs", often for no reason.

How do you control "your" worries, concerns, fears, mistrust and how do you support your "other half" when they experience it?

I have had one very very long distance relationship (he lived over 2000 miles away) and it just couldn't be sustained. I did all my "what ifs" all the time with him, and it led to much unhappiness and the dissolution of an over 3 year association/friendship.

Now I am seeing someone over 5 hours away from me by car, a much easier distance to traverse because I made a conscious decision not to date anyone outside of my state. There are no "what ifs" in this relationship, at least not presently, and if some cropped up I wouldn't hide them from him. I have some insecurities of course, I am human after all, and if he has them I hope he finds some way to voice them to me... but at the end of the day I have learned something very important from what has happened before, from my past experiences with a LDR. I have learned that it really doesn't matter if it works or doesn't work in the long run because I trust myself. I trust myself to make good decisions and to deal with the fall out of bad ones basically. I did not trust myself before, but I do now.

The "what ifs" and insecurities do not eat at you if you know that even if the other person lets you down that you will be ok. I am involved with this for what I hope will be the long run, like in a full commitment, so if something happens it would be best if I found out before I make that step to be 24-7 with this person. It is only logical to think this way.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 5

RE: Fear of the Unknown--LDR - 7/13/2006 12:19:57 PM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

MH, I'm looking for a ltr live-in but it doesn't really matter where they're from or where they live.
Ideally it would be nice to meet someone locally here in Myrtle Beach but most of the listings on this (National) site are from all over the country so I have to take that into account as well.
I am available to travel to meet someone as I'm retired and can come and go as I please.
I moved here from New Hampshire to get away from the severe winters and high housing prices.
This (IS) a great area to live in; 60 miles of warm water sand beaches, 3200 restaurants, 110 golf courses, shows and concerts come to town all the time!
As for "fear of the unknown" I'd suggest that people should plan a visit with one another after messaging and talking. You can get to know someone better after a weekend or a week being with them and if there's a connection you can make further plans.
I have a license to cary in the State of S.Carolina which means that I've had to go through Police and background checks to get it and the standards are fairly stringent. You can't have anything "dicey" in your background or they won't give you one. I also had a "Secret" clearance when I was in the Navy and also the Coast Guard and they don't give those out like M&Ms either. That means I'm on the "up and up". I'm an "Upstanding Citizen."
I tell prospective subs and slaves that too to alay any fears or doubts they may have as to my credibility.
I think you want to make "fear of the unknown" a much smaller factor by telling someone a lot of things about yourself and what you're like.
We already have a lot in common just by being on this site together.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 6

RE: Fear of the Unknown--LDR - 7/13/2006 1:00:56 PM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

<looks around for an interpreter>

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SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to popeye1250)

Post #: 7

RE: Fear of the Unknown--LDR - 7/13/2006 3:01:09 PM

Submotive

Posts: 440
Joined: 9/9/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

<looks around for an interpreter>

can't help it - LMAO

_____________________________

Owned by Scotch Master

i would rather continue alone than be permitted to show only parts of myself to my Beloved.

If you're not living as you would like to today, when are you going to start?

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 8

RE: Fear of the Unknown--LDR - 7/13/2006 11:00:57 PM

fyrekittyn

Posts: 282
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: Memphis, TN
Status: offline

I am currently in a long distance relationship. Sir and I are very open about my doubts and insecurities, and he goes out of his way to make me feel cared for by calling me frequently. I do have doubts and omg moments, but I just try to remember that he has told me I am his, and we have a mostly exclusive relationship. If I am really starting to worry, I call my voicemail and listen to the message he has left me. Sometimes I have to sit down and remind myself that I trust Sir, and take comfort in the fact that he has decided to collar me, of all people.

_____________________________

Whip me, spank me, beat me, fuck me, all if it and more!
~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, come on now. You can hit harder! *THWACK* OW! BASTARD! See, I was right!
~~~~~~~~~~~
fyrekittyn - the sweet, innocent, angelic, virgin princess!

(in reply to Submotive)

Post #: 9

RE: Fear of the Unknown--LDR - 7/13/2006 11:14:57 PM

littlemissub

Posts: 118
Joined: 5/4/2006
Status: offline

I have recently opened myself up to the possibility of a LDR. I have dated some Dom's in Washington state and have yet to find what I was looking for. I felt by limiting myself to just one state, I was doing myself a disservice to someone who might really be meant for me. I didn't want to pass them up just because they live in a different state.

I would say the worst part for me though is I take so much attention. When I start to crush or enjoy someone I think of them constantly. That means I want to talk on the phone many times a day, e-mail, text messege, whatever. Just have contact. The minute I don't hear back immediately though or they don't answer their phone, those evil little doubts start to pop up. I know this is not healthy. I know that is the psycho part of my mind, lol. But there must be ways to eliviate those issues. What are they? How can I build a healthy long-distance relationship until we can be together without sabotaging it?

Another question is how can you truly build something when it is all long-distance? I know that the internet makes many things much easier now than they ever used to be, but I am a firm believer that some things must be done in person. How do you get around those issues?

Hope I didn't highjack this forum. I felt it went along with it.

_____________________________

~littlemissy~

(in reply to fyrekittyn)

Post #: 10

RE: Fear of the Unknown--LDR - 7/14/2006 2:36:46 AM

wetsub000

Posts: 91
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline

I didn't look for a LDR. We met when I was living and working overseas. He travels constantly for business and at the time was coming to where I was on a regular basis - every few months. Now I've moved home and he's still travelling the world for work. His home is the other side of the world from mine, but it's almost irrelevant as he's rarely there.

We've known each other for 4 yrs now and it hasn't all been smooth sailing, however I think I'm happier now than ever before. I've decided what we have together is enough, as was said on another thread, I'm content with my life alone and not lonely. I appreciate the time we can have together and I trust him to be there when he can. I've got over the fear that by being with him I may be missing some other 'better' opportunity. He has never expressed any doubts, has been the first to open up his heart and has encouraged me to do the same.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 11

RE: Fear of the Unknown--LDR - 7/14/2006 3:02:11 AM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

Many of our posts have dealt with LDR's--the trials, tribulations, the joys and the heartaches---it appears that many many people are looking outside their area for a multitude of reasons--- raising new issues----one of which I would call "the fear of the unknown"---what's happening that "isn't seen, isn't known". I have seen many posts where they mention doubt, uncertainty, eroding trust--the voice in the night starts playing mind games with the "what ifs", often for no reason.

How do you control "your" worries, concerns, fears, mistrust and how do you support your "other half" when they experience it?

The key to resolving doubts in a long distance relationship is for each person to travel and visit the other at their home. This gives intimacy a trial run and it gives each partner a view into the other's existing life. To me that is the fundamental starting point.

If a person in a LDR refuses:

1. To visit their partner
2. To allow their partner to visit them
3. To introduce their partner to family and/or children

or proves an unrealiable contact (does not return calls, deal with issues on the table)

or fails to make committments (puts off meeting, puts off introducing partner to family or children, puts off important disclosures)

then DOUBTS AND FEARS will undoubtably arise.

Note: I'm not so sure I agree with Mstrsfire that love excludes doubts.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 12

RE: Fear of the Unknown--LDR - 7/14/2006 3:18:18 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

HMmmm...maybe I'm not understanding something here. I, too, am in an LDR and I miss Him like crazy when we're not together. But, I don't think I have any more insecurities just because we don't live together or next to each other than I would otherwise. I mean, it would be wonderful if I could see Him every day, but it's just not possible. I don't want to drive Him or myself nuts by letting doubts or insecurities color the time we do have together. We both have busy lives and demanding jobs. I can't expect Him to drop everything just because I am feeling a bit insecure.

We trust each other. We don't have any reason not to. I feel like raiken...you either trust or you don't. If you do, sure, you still have some doubts, but they are easily dispelled. I guess what I am getting at is you can be with someone and that person can break your trust. I don't know if distance plays that great a part in it...at least, it doesn't for me. My problem deals more with lonliness and missing Him than trust issues.

(in reply to cloudboy)

Post #: 13

RE: Fear of the Unknown--LDR - 7/14/2006 3:28:53 AM

srllile7

Posts: 75
Joined: 3/30/2006
Status: offline

Cloudboy for me you’ve hit the nail on the head with your list of what brings about doubts in a Ldr. Internet and hotel rooms alone don’t bring about trust. Sure you can see the person face to face a dozen times over coffee, or even meet half way each time and stay in a fancy hotel or thus but that doesn’t mean that at home they don’t have a wife and 3 kids waiting for them. The beginning of an Ldr is stinking complicated is all I have to say. Another thing im finding key for me personally being in a new one is having a clearly stated timeline for relocation in which both parties are working towards. Its hard for me to invest in this relationship if I don’t see it going anywhere, that to me is key in any relationship not just ldr though.

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I am young and idealistic if you do not agree with what I have to say; wait till tomorrow I may just have changed my stance on things by then.

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Post #: 14

RE: Fear of the Unknown--LDR - 7/14/2006 3:34:12 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

Its about truth and being able to say anything. If you truely believe that the truth is being given and received - the second guessing stops or doesn't even begin to exist.

There are always what ifs in any relationship. If your honest with them and discuss without fear and not have to worry about bringing up a subject, then your onto a good thing.

The minute you are too afraid - to scared - to bring up a subject for whatever reason... then you should end it.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 15

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