RE: Initiating sex

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SweetForDaddy -> RE: Initiating sex (12/13/2014 10:18:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NorthernGent quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 People are emotional basket cases quite often, even if they are sensible most of the time. This is thing about communication I mentioned earlier. Within reason I'm a patient person, but an 'emotional basket case' really should not be with me. This won't go down well, but I would add that there may be something wrong, and underlying, with any relationship where one partner feels rejected in such a situation. I agree with this to a certain extent but it can also be that someone is bringing baggage from a past relationship. I'm not sure that makes someone an emotional basket case but it might take them longer than the average person to feel safe and feel free to express themselves sexually again. I totally get people don't want to have sex all of the time, I totally don't want anyone to have sex with me if they don't want to and I'd like to get to the place where I can deal with a straight out no without being coddled but it will be a slow process I think.

NorthernGent -> RE: Initiating sex (12/13/2014 12:16:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetForDaddy quote: ORIGINAL: NorthernGent quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 People are emotional basket cases quite often, even if they are sensible most of the time. This is thing about communication I mentioned earlier. Within reason I'm a patient person, but an 'emotional basket case' really should not be with me. This won't go down well, but I would add that there may be something wrong, and underlying, with any relationship where one partner feels rejected in such a situation. I agree with this to a certain extent but it can also be that someone is bringing baggage from a past relationship. I'm not sure that makes someone an emotional basket case but it might take them longer than the average person to feel safe and feel free to express themselves sexually again. I totally get people don't want to have sex all of the time, I totally don't want anyone to have sex with me if they don't want to and I'd like to get to the place where I can deal with a straight out no without being coddled but it will be a slow process I think. Yes, I agree that it doesn't make someone/anyone an 'emotional basket case'. I would concede that human beings do a lot of things that aren't necessarily grounded in Rationalism nor Empiricism. I mean, David Hume smashed to bits the idea that humans are closer to God than they are animals a long time back, and animals act out of habit on many an occasion. We're probably getting back to qualities we like in people, and I must say that while I wouldn't term anyone an 'emotional basket case', because after all given different circumstances we are all capable of acting a certain way; I do see these things as being very needy, and I don 't appreciate needy people - I find them self centred and not for me. That won't go down well, but from my point of view I was raised in a Working Class background; a council estate in a mining area in the North East of England, and if my family had spent their time moaning about not getting what they felt they were due to, then that was time taken away from ensuring there was bread on the table. It just wasn't the done thing. Baggage from a past relationship? Well, perhaps some people like that. Perhaps some people like the idea of a damsel in distress. To each their own. Edited to add: this is in no way a dig at you. I'd imagine there are plenty of men out there who would appreciate your take on life. It's merely personal taste, and there's no accounting for taste.

SweetForDaddy -> RE: Initiating sex (12/13/2014 12:27:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NorthernGent quote: ORIGINAL: SweetForDaddy quote: ORIGINAL: NorthernGent quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 People are emotional basket cases quite often, even if they are sensible most of the time. This is thing about communication I mentioned earlier. Within reason I'm a patient person, but an 'emotional basket case' really should not be with me. This won't go down well, but I would add that there may be something wrong, and underlying, with any relationship where one partner feels rejected in such a situation. I agree with this to a certain extent but it can also be that someone is bringing baggage from a past relationship. I'm not sure that makes someone an emotional basket case but it might take them longer than the average person to feel safe and feel free to express themselves sexually again. I totally get people don't want to have sex all of the time, I totally don't want anyone to have sex with me if they don't want to and I'd like to get to the place where I can deal with a straight out no without being coddled but it will be a slow process I think. Yes, I agree that it doesn't make someone/anyone an 'emotional basket case'. I would concede that human beings do a lot of things that aren't necessarily grounded in Rationalism nor Empiricism. I mean, David Hume smashed to bits the idea that humans are closer to God than they are animals a long time back, and animals act out of habit on many an occasion. We're probably getting back to qualities we like in people, and I must say that while I wouldn't term anyone an 'emotional basket case', because after all given different circumstances we are all capable of acting a certain way; I do see these things as being very needy, and I don 't appreciate needy people - I find them self centred and not for me. That won't go down well, but from my point of view I was raised in a Working Class background; a council estate in a mining area in the North East of England, and if my family had spent their time moaning about not getting what they felt they were due to, then that was time taken away from ensuring there was bread on the table. It just wasn't the done thing. Baggage from a past relationship? Well, perhaps some people like that. Perhaps some people like the idea of a damsel in distress. To each their own. Not sure anyone likes it but I think its rare to not have any at all when you get to a certain age. Having the 'just get on with it' attitude isn't the best way to deal with things when they can have a solution, communication is.

NorthernGent -> RE: Initiating sex (12/13/2014 12:35:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetForDaddy Not sure anyone likes it but I think its rare to not have any at all when you get to a certain age. Having the 'just get on with it' attitude isn't the best way to deal with things when they can have a solution, communication is. Perhaps we're talking of degree. I find the idea that anyone can feel hurt by someone else not wanting sex, to be extreme. As I said earlier, I'm patient within reason. But then again, perhaps we're talking about people allowing themselves to be dragged down by their past experiences. Life's short, I want some positivity. I'm 40; I've got ten years until I'm 50. I want to enjoy these next ten years, not feel like I'm walking in quick-sand. Just me, SFD, others see it differently. You may even be in the majority, while I'm in the minority.

SweetForDaddy -> RE: Initiating sex (12/13/2014 12:47:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NorthernGent quote: ORIGINAL: SweetForDaddy Not sure anyone likes it but I think its rare to not have any at all when you get to a certain age. Having the 'just get on with it' attitude isn't the best way to deal with things when they can have a solution, communication is. Perhaps we're talking of degree. I find the idea that anyone can feel hurt by someone else not wanting sex, to be extreme. As I said earlier, I'm patient within reason. But then again, perhaps we're talking about people allowing themselves to be dragged down by their past experiences. Life's short, I want some positivity. I'm 40; I've got ten years until I'm 50. I want to enjoy these next ten years, not feel like I'm walking in quick-sand. Just me, SFD, others see it differently. You may even be in the majority, while I'm in the minority. I'm not sure its a case of allowing yourself to be dragged down either, its more a case of building yourself back up for me. I see that as a positive thing shrug.

NorthernGent -> RE: Initiating sex (12/13/2014 12:52:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetForDaddy I'm not sure its a case of allowing yourself to be dragged down either, its more a case of building yourself back up for me. I see that as a positive thing shrug. Bringing 'baggage' from past relationships isn't positive. It's an entirely defensive mind-set from the off. It smacks to me of focusing on the past and hoping for the best for the future. Why not leave in the past in the past, no baggage being towed along with you?

SweetForDaddy -> RE: Initiating sex (12/13/2014 1:04:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NorthernGent quote: ORIGINAL: SweetForDaddy I'm not sure its a case of allowing yourself to be dragged down either, its more a case of building yourself back up for me. I see that as a positive thing shrug. Bringing 'baggage' from past relationships isn't positive. It's an entirely defensive mind-set from the off. It smacks to me of focusing on the past and hoping for the best for the future. Why not leave in the past in the past, no baggage being towed along with you? In an ideal world. Sometimes thats possible, sometimes it isn't. My personal issue is something I would talk about prior to getting into a relationship though and I don't think its that big a deal it couldn't be sorted out relatively easily with the right person. I think expecting a clean slate at 40 is a bit unrealistic, good luck with that but most people have had life experiences that have been good and bad by that age, theres probably going to be some baggage of some sort.

NorthernGent -> RE: Initiating sex (12/13/2014 1:10:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetForDaddy quote: ORIGINAL: NorthernGent quote: ORIGINAL: SweetForDaddy I'm not sure its a case of allowing yourself to be dragged down either, its more a case of building yourself back up for me. I see that as a positive thing shrug. Bringing 'baggage' from past relationships isn't positive. It's an entirely defensive mind-set from the off. It smacks to me of focusing on the past and hoping for the best for the future. Why not leave in the past in the past, no baggage being towed along with you? In an ideal world. Sometimes thats possible, sometimes it isn't. My personal issue is something I would talk about prior to getting into a relationship though and I don't think its that big a deal it couldn't be sorted out relatively easily with the right person. I think expecting a clean slate at 40 is a bit unrealistic, good luck with that but most people have had life experiences that have been good and bad by that age, theres probably going to be some baggage of some sort. We have definitely all had life experiences that have been good and bad: it's a question of taking the good with you and leaving the bad behind. But, thanks for the good luck and you too :-)

FieryOpal -> RE: Initiating sex (12/13/2014 1:46:29 PM)
[Partial Quotes] quote: ORIGINAL: InHisHeart quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 But initiating means, dominant does not want to touch me at all, all day, and I bug him for sex. That for me, is a no no. In reply to your other post. "Also, if a man is not initiating sex, clearly his not in the mood." Just because I initiate at times doesn't mean he's not in the mood for sex. He could have other things on his mind, he might be doing something else, he could be sleeping and I'm awake so I wake him up for sex, he could walk in the door and I initiate before he has his coat off, it could be......... One of the most common complaints that I've heard from men, all sorts of men, besides their partner not wanting sex as often as they do, is not showing much of an interest in having sex with them, especially once a few years into a marriage of their wife cutting them off from sex other than on the rare occasion. Men are men. They need to feel wanted and appreciated as much as women do (beyond the usual ego-stroking that we know they need, and which we ourselves also need in return). You know how Dommes will emphasize that we are women first, and then Dominant? It's the same with Doms. Doms are men first, and then Dominant. I think there is a disconnect when any submissive sees this differently and loses sight of the fact that you are also a man or a woman first, and then a submissive. As a woman, you have the right to make your needs and desires known. How you go about it is your business. Being an initiator is not being the aggressor, and there are subtle ways of initiating interest. Your Dominant may know that s/he has the right to "use" you whenever s/he pleases, but that isn't the point. Greta, I'm telling you right now that uni-directional initiation for sex or affection can get old for any man. It's just a matter of time. Expecting a man to always act Domly can get old, too, and not treating him like a whole person, but boxing him into fantasy Master-Dom mode. Dominants don't like feeling objectified or used, at least none of the ones I know or know of. Just being responsive to his overtures is not enough. Be a woman first.

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