Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

How/where do I draw the lines...


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> How/where do I draw the lines... Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
How/where do I draw the lines... - 12/18/2014 8:26:50 PM   
twitchelvi


Posts: 17
Joined: 12/4/2014
Status: offline 		I am new here and have already posted before that I have learned alot, most of it being how much I really didn't know. I have learned enough now that I am aware there are no hard set rules, any type of situation is possible. But I think the most important thing I have learned is how easy or possible for a Dom/Master to screw up or hurt their Sub/Slave. I have not heard any specific examples of such, but have heard many speak of having to fix someone elses fuck-ups. So I would like to ask, as sensitive or hurtful as it might be, if any Subs/Slaves reading this have had bad experience that maybe they could relate to me? If they are something very sensitive maybe it could be discussed a little more privately. Also anything that experience Subs/Slaves could share with me in any other regard would be helpful. I know now enough that I am aware that this is way more than just, "Wow, this is a girl that will do anything I say! Woohoo!". I understand there is a responsibility on my part to provide a safe environment, trust and security. But there in is a little of my confusion, how do I figure out where certain lines are when I am supposed to be in control? For example, and this is just off the top of my head, if I am with someone who says they are into humiliation how do I know beforehand what would qualify? How do I know what might be too much, too offensive or hurtful? And how would I make something like that right if I did? I could keep going on and on, but I think most of you should be able to see what I am looking for here. Hope to hear some good advice from you.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How/where do I draw the lines... - 12/18/2014 10:41:07 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Communication, communication, communication.

We've all been hurt at times.

All I will say is my last Dom boyfriend lied, stopped listening and lost the boundaries between our sex life and real life. If you stop listening to me and break trust, you are out.

If you are disrespectful and unattentive except sexually, out.

If you cannot be supportive during very trying life issues, out.

You cannot be given advice on how to openly discuss things with a partner.

You just do it.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 12/18/2014 10:42:48 PM >

(in reply to twitchelvi)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: How/where do I draw the lines... - 12/19/2014 12:14:18 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		In editing your profile recently from the time of your last thread, I see no emphasis on relationship. I see you are only interested in being an on-line Dom at this time. Other than inexperience, may I ask why that is? Because you are listed as being in San Antonio, Texas, and I can't imagine that there aren't real-life BDSM events you can't get to, a munch at a coffee shop here and there.

sexyred's advice is sound overall. For a D/s relationship dynamic where you and your collared sub would be making a commitment. Yet this post struck me right away as putting the cart before the horse. Understandably, you want to learn about BDSM technique, and the ins and outs of (on-line) Domination. If you sincerely want to learn how to be a more responsible Dominant, and if you were located in a remote area where you could not find a sub IRL-In Real Life, then you would have to work around your on-line limitations. This is going to get you conditioned into being a Cyber Dom, which is your prerogative, but I hope that you are being totally upfront about your availability as a single man. The worst thing you can do is to lead your sub on, get her hopes up for a real-life D/s relationship with you, and then have you abruptly dump her with absolutely no explanation, and leaving a trail of deception behind you much like shards of glass.

As for vetting on line, be attentive, be dependable, and be a man of your word. Don't ever offer half-baked excuses. You don't jump right into kinks and fetishes, especially not a humiliation fetish. As a matter of fact, it isn't advisable to focus on sexual matters right away or expect instant submission. No submissive owes a Dominant her submission who isn't officially her Dom-Master. When cultivating any kind of intimate relationship in any capacity, you start out by getting to know one another as friends and you keep building upon that trust. You are the Dominant. You should have a sense of what you like, what you don't like, and what you are looking for, so you should be seeking a compatible match in your sub.

If you have sadistic tendencies, then you need to find a sub with masochistic tendencies. Many lesser experienced Dominants have more experienced subs who have been willing to show them and teach them. We all had to start out somewhere. There are also many Dominants who are not sadistic. Don't let a prospective sub's expectations lead you where you might not want to go, because then you will end up becoming a service Top. If you find that this is the role you want to play, then fine. But if you truly want a D/s dynamic, then you will need to take charge of and control of the interactions between you and your sub. Another mistake you don't want to make is in overdoing it and not being true to your temperament. Don't confuse Domination with acting domineering, because it's not the same thing. Think calm assertive.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to twitchelvi)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: How/where do I draw the lines... - 12/19/2014 12:35:59 AM   
twitchelvi


Posts: 17
Joined: 12/4/2014
Status: offline 		Again I have to say thanks FieryOpal, this isn't the first time you have answered my post, and great input everytime. Let me clarify a couple of things for you here. Why you ask, am I only looking for something online? First, like I have said, I would like to learn a bit more before jumping into anything, just so that I might be better prepared. Second, and I am sure I will catch some hell for this one, but I do believe in disclosure. This will be somewhat hypocritical of me, but honesty and trust are very important to me. Divorce is coming soon for me but we still currently live together so starting any type of relationship wouldn't be right. Even what I am looking for right now isn't exactly either, but my situation is so extreme and different that many people when hearing all of it say "Wow!". I only know a couple of people here in Texas so I recently started seeing a therapist so that I would have someone to talk to, and after hearing me she told me "Wow, I have heard some difficult situations, but this one is right there at the top." I talked about things with a gay man that I know and he laughed, shook his head and said that he thought gay men had problems and drama, but wow, my shit was an ordeal. Without going into too much detail, there are many mental illnesses, she has been hearing voices most of her life and only just recently told anyone, lot's of baggage, much of it from growing up in a house with her father a member of one of the largest motorcycle clubs anywhere. Beyond that there are actually a couple of other serious issues also. So I think that explains why I am only looking for something online right now. As for what you said, I hadn't thought about it, but looking for an experienced Sub/Slave is actually great advice, I never really considered learning from the one that I am supposed to be controlling. So again, thanks for your reply.

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: How/where do I draw the lines... - 12/19/2014 5:38:25 AM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline 		Since all D/s dynamics are different with different boundaries, different ideas of what a Dom is, what a sub is, I will comment on what works for me as a sub and what works for Master and I as a D/s couple.

I can't stress enough the importance of open/honest communication about anything and everything.

I am a person, not a doormat, not a puppet on a string. He does have responsibility but being a mind reader is not one of his responsibilities, I'm also responsible for myself. Just because I'm a sub doesn't mean I relinquish responsibility for myself. If he unintentionally crosses a line or hurts me, he owns up to it and makes it right. If something he did/said hurt me that he wasn't aware of, it's my responsibility to tell him. I know I can talk to him about anything and everything with no fear, no hesitation, I can come to him with any problem I see, with anything that's bothering me.

100% mutual trust in all aspects of our relationship is essential, without it, there's no relationship.

Figure out what you want in a relationship, what relationship dynamic you're looking for and look for a sub that is on the same page with what she wants in a relationship.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.


(in reply to twitchelvi)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: How/where do I draw the lines... - 12/19/2014 9:06:18 AM   
Bhruic


Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: twitchelvi

... But there in is a little of my confusion, how do I figure out where certain lines are when I am supposed to be in control? For example, and this is just off the top of my head, if I am with someone who says they are into humiliation how do I know beforehand what would qualify? How do I know what might be too much, too offensive or hurtful? ...


Luckily, the answer is painfully simple... you ask.

The edgier the play, the more important is open, frank, communication.

... and on the topic of offensive or hurtful... those things are usually defined by intent. One can say something fairly innocuous, and it can be taken as offensive and hurtful IF IT WAS INTENDED TO BE. Likewise, one can say something quite outrageous, and it will not be taken as offensive or hurtful, if it was not intended to be.

I will go out on a limb and say that offensive and hurtful is not what people who are in to humiliation are looking for.

< Message edited by Bhruic -- 12/19/2014 9:09:41 AM >

_____________________________

pronounced "VROOick"

(in reply to twitchelvi)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: How/where do I draw the lines... - 12/19/2014 3:36:46 PM   
ivone57


Posts: 279
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline 		paragraphs are our friend...just saying

_____________________________

ivone

Property of WhipHer

(in reply to Bhruic)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How/where do I draw the lines... - 12/19/2014 4:05:39 PM   
Bhruic


Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ivone57

paragraphs are our friend...just saying


Couldn't agree more. I gave that additional piece of advice when he posted the same question in "Ask a Master" :)

_____________________________

pronounced "VROOick"

(in reply to ivone57)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How/where do I draw the lines... - 12/19/2014 4:47:49 PM   
twitchelvi


Posts: 17
Joined: 12/4/2014
Status: offline 		Loving all my replies, every bit of knowledge is great!

So here, like in my other post in "Ask a Master", I see that the most important thing is so obvious I was looking right past it and trying to find something more complex. Simply, communication.

Thanks again for all your responses, the community here is great.

(in reply to Bhruic)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How/where do I draw the lines... - 12/19/2014 5:01:39 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: twitchelvi

...I do believe in disclosure. This will be somewhat hypocritical of me, but honesty and trust are very important to me. Divorce is coming soon for me but we still currently live together so starting any type of relationship wouldn't be right. Even what I am looking for right now isn't exactly either
<snip>

I would rather give you more information than you need, than too little, so you're welcome.
You're not being hypocritical unless you judge another in a similar situation as your own with censure. Full disclosure is paramount since you are not officially separated (still living under the same roof with your wife), not ready to get involved in another relationship commitment right now, and not available for more than a casual liaison. This presents a difficulty in D/s because a D/s dynamic is a serious commitment. What you basically want is to ease into some on-line BDSM with an on-line BDSM play partner bottom. You aren't ready for a submissive of your own, experience or no experience. What you decide to disclose in your profile is up to you, as long as you are completely candid in your initial messages to those you contact or to those contenders who contact you so that they are apprised of where you're coming from, and for them to be candid with you likewise about their interest level. There are women who are more interested in BDSM play or who might only want to be more of a bedroom submissive.

Therefore, please listen to what I have to say. Keep it light, keep it playful. There's nothing wrong with role-playing, as long as you both are fully aware that this is what is taking place on line. I don't believe you're ready to get into humiliation & punishment dynamics with anyone you're not in a committed relationship with. You may find that what you have in mind is more along the lines of funishment, not punishment. Many of us do not have humiliation & punishment dynamics. Funishment is different and can be engaged in on line. Discipline should be for correction and for the betterment of your sub, so get creative about how to enforce discipline without acting like a strict disciplinarian (unless that's what you both want).

For now, I would leave corner time out of it. Corner time is no fun for a sub (not that it's intended to be) and will ultimately be ineffective without the real-time spanking that precedes it, and the aftermath of physical bonding which should accompany it. You cannot physically be there to comfort with your touch, or to provide aftercare. Make it a rule to never skip aftercare, which some (inexperienced or just plain selfish) Dominants are clueless about how critical this aspect is once ANY BDSM play scene has ended. In a remote Top/bottom situation, you are limited to offering reassurances in written and/or spoken words, so don't be stingy with your positive reinforcement. (Do a search on "aftercare" here at Collarchat.)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic
<snip>
I will go out on a limb and say that offensive and hurtful is not what people who are in to humiliation are looking for.

Those with humiliation fetishes may not know exactly what they are looking for, but offensive and hurtful is not how this form of play succeeds. It will fail miserably if that is what both parties attempt or promulgate.

In fact, I don't even have to go out on a limb Bhruic, to stress that what I hear most often, and from my own experience with sexual humiliation, is that in order for this type of dynamic to work, both parties have to respect one another, more or less as equals or peers. There has to be a genuine, abiding respect and intimate bonds of trust already in place between the two, or else it will fall flat, or cause the sub psychological damage.

There is a saying that Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This is so untrue, and once humiliation enters into any dynamic, all the more potential for mental cruelty as abuse and not BDSM play since this is a form of mild sado-masochism, and should only be practiced carefully and conscientiously in its mildest forms, IMO.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to twitchelvi)
Profile   Post #: 10
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> How/where do I draw the lines... Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109