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MRDRMN1985 -> Motivation in the hands of another (12/22/2014 6:04:21 PM)
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I'm curious if anyone else looks at being on the s side of D/s as a source of motivation for personal goals. Motivation is one of the things I probably think about more than anything else. Mainly because I've had times in my life when I've been highly motivated and moved toward everything I've wanted at a rocket's pace.
In every one of them, I was utterly enthralled by an assertive woman whom I wanted to put ahead of myself. Admittedly, not everything had anything to do with the woman in question, in fact most of it didn't. There has always been a line running through it though when I am in that state that is all about putting her needs first, even if (as was usually the case in the past) I was mortified that she might actually learn how I felt.
I motivate myself just fine without a woman in my life of course. Heck, I've fought and suppressed that desire to submit myself consciously every time that it's come up since it first got me back in high school.
When I motivate myself though, it is an act of will and feels like work (not a bad thing altogether of course), but if I let her do it to me, it is an act of submission. It is so easy to fall into it, and when I am in it, I am happier than any other time in my life.
But, when you give someone that sort of power, they can so easily cut it off and leave you feeling broken and alone. In those times, I've looked back at that hard work sort of willpower I've cultivated internally and said to myself: "You idiot. Why didn't you stick to the safe path?"
I guess that is why I've always fought it all these years. That broken moment always comes, and I always end up wishing I had not let someone else have such a powerful lever into my soul. Even now as I write this, it all comes back to me and I find myself wanting to fight all of this off, take on the safe, internal path, motivated by the one person I know I can count on and trust always: Myself.
And now I remember again why I am here. I walked that path for years. I became an expert at killing my emotions the moment I felt an inkling of desire.
Doing that didn't make me happy. Deep down, it wasn't what I really wanted to be.
I tell myself sometimes that it takes more courage to come back to this and take that risk again, but that inner voice is always there whispering: "When she tears your heart apart, you'll wish you had listened to me and fought it off."
That thought is probably right, but yet here I am thinking that the chance of being happy is worth more than the certainty of not being hurt.
I guess I am curious if anyone else can relate?
Edit: Fixed typo
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