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RE: Please help me understand - 1/4/2015 8:59:57 AM   
worshipyourfeet


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline 		I have had the same Problem in a way but the opposite way around I am in the lifestyle and have girlfriends in the past that haven't been .Some of them have embraced it and given it a try and have been converted a bit while others found me weird and strange all I can say is talk with her and see what she says and Maybe you can sort things out and maybe who knows what may happen.I will admit when I am being dominated after I tend to feel loved and relaxed

(in reply to sheisreeds)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Please help me understand - 1/17/2015 9:36:11 PM   
Kittenluv954


Posts: 237
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline 		honestly, it sounds to me as though you just aren't a match. why try to make it into something that it isn't. sounds like she's still into being Dommed, and by your own admission, you won't oblige her needs. she won't be happy squashing her needs forever, and why should you settle for someone who may be settling for you? eh. go back to the vanilla world you enjoy, and get on with it imo :)

(in reply to metaforce)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Please help me understand - 1/18/2015 4:45:01 AM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline 		If you're literally terrified of BDSM, then why pursue this relationship? And honestly, I don't understand why she would pursue a relationship where the person is so alienated from her sexually.

I don't say that to be offensive, I'm genuinely nonplussed. I don't get it - why date someone who doesn't get such a massive chunk of your sexuality?

It's hard enough between two people who *want* to have a BDSM relationship, who *like* the idea of it. I just feel that this would be impossible, considering your emotional response to it.

(in reply to metaforce)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Please help me understand - 1/18/2015 5:45:40 AM   
LiveSpark


Posts: 808
Joined: 12/25/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

If you're literally terrified of BDSM, then why pursue this relationship? And honestly, I don't understand why she would pursue a relationship where the person is so alienated from her sexually.

I don't say that to be offensive, I'm genuinely nonplussed. I don't get it - why date someone who doesn't get such a massive chunk of your sexuality?

It's hard enough between two people who *want* to have a BDSM relationship, who *like* the idea of it. I just feel that this would be impossible, considering your emotional response to it.


I was going to agree with you because it makes no sense on the surface but it appears that the OP is willing to try to at least understand that kind of dynamic. That's commendable and really impresses me. He has an uphill battle but IMO it's worth a shot. Clearly there is an attraction here and sometimes we can't see why but it doesn't make it any less valid - and yes I know you aren't saying it's wrong. I don't think we have the right to judge whether it's impossible, I've seen stranger things happen.

_____________________________

I've been here as MontrealPhoenix, zephyr and
TheFireWithinMe.

I also have the sarcasm gene which is NOT to be taken seriously.

If you fall I'll always be there to catch you ~ Floor

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Please help me understand - 1/18/2015 6:12:27 AM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark
I don't think we have the right to judge whether it's impossible...


I guess I just feel that both parties are not being honest with each other. The OP confirms this, he says that when they try to discuss it with each other, they get upset, so they don't discuss it with each other. I feel that there's probably a lot of self-censoring going on in order to try and avoid that upset, which is leading to fear of confronting reality. So there is really no option other than prising open that festering wound and saying look - this is the reality of it. This is what you're going to have to deal with if you even want to begin to make progress. The first step is admitting they have a problem - the problem is that they're very incompatible, sexually, to the point where it's almost inconceivable that they're even together. I'm not saying they shouldn't try to work it out, but if they have any prospect of success, they're going to have to start from that painful fact and work on facing up to it.

I feel (and yes I'm guessing and that's projecting, but not without some grounds) that the OP is frightened, disgusted and completely repelled by his partner's past and he wonders what it means for her as a person, and for their relationship and for her future. He sees it as a negative, a shocking, shameful thing, with no redeeming features. But he can't say this to her because he doesn't want to upset her.

I feel that the partner, if she was being honest, would admit that she finds this more arousing than vanilla, always has done and always will do. The OP hints at this when he says: "She says she doesn't want that kind of relationship anymore but still is and always has been turned on by dominance." So does that mean that their sex life is always going to be lesser, for her? It's never going to be as arousing as one in which there is D/s for her? Is it simply that she feels cynical about D/s relationships and this is a rebound relationship for her, where she is tolerating an unsatisfying sex life for the sake of someone she feels that she loves?

I am not judging the OP, or his desire to understand, I just think that he brings so much baggage to the table that he is not going to be able to see it as we see it, because he is so upset and 'fatally alienated' (as he says) about it. She, likewise, cannot even hear an honest account of his feelings about it, because they are simply too upsetting for her. Where is the middle ground for this couple? To say that it seems impossible is not admitting failure, it is an acknowledgment of the reality in order for preparation. There is no point glossing over the difficulties as I doubt it will make things any better.

I also think we have a duty to be brutally honest with the OP, because I don't think they are being honest with each other. Sometimes, you need someone to tell it to you straight, rather than dragging something out. I'm sure that hope is a good thing, but would you really want to be with someone who found your sexuality 'fatally alienating'?

(in reply to LiveSpark)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Please help me understand - 1/18/2015 6:30:21 AM   
LiveSpark


Posts: 808
Joined: 12/25/2014
Status: offline 		I think that if he weren't even willing to try he wouldn't have come here. I think that it's worth a try but you're right it isn't going to happen unless and until they are open and honest with each other and themselves.

_____________________________

I've been here as MontrealPhoenix, zephyr and
TheFireWithinMe.

I also have the sarcasm gene which is NOT to be taken seriously.

If you fall I'll always be there to catch you ~ Floor

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Please help me understand - 1/18/2015 6:38:54 AM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

I think that if he weren't even willing to try he wouldn't have come here. I think that it's worth a try but you're right it isn't going to happen unless and until they are open and honest with each other and themselves.


I think true love transcends all things, even kink. If they do love each other then there should be contentment in that alone. People might grow together or grow apart but there is no harm in trying to explore possibilities. Personally I find this gesture of his quite charming, and it indicates to me he might be more of a pleaser but maybe for her that is part of the charm. He would have to listen to others in regards to this ex-master though. You might be more submissive than you think OP and letting them both have their way in the context of Your relationship.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to LiveSpark)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Please help me understand - 1/18/2015 7:03:02 AM   
LiveSpark


Posts: 808
Joined: 12/25/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko


quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

I think that if he weren't even willing to try he wouldn't have come here. I think that it's worth a try but you're right it isn't going to happen unless and until they are open and honest with each other and themselves.


I think true love transcends all things, even kink. If they do love each other then there should be contentment in that alone. People might grow together or grow apart but there is no harm in trying to explore possibilities. Personally I find this gesture of his quite charming, and it indicates to me he might be more of a pleaser but maybe for her that is part of the charm. He would have to listen to others in regards to this ex-master though. You might be more submissive than you think OP and letting them both have their way in the context of Your relationship.


BINGO! This is exactly what I've been trying to say only you've said it better.

_____________________________

I've been here as MontrealPhoenix, zephyr and
TheFireWithinMe.

I also have the sarcasm gene which is NOT to be taken seriously.

If you fall I'll always be there to catch you ~ Floor

(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Please help me understand - 1/18/2015 7:23:29 AM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
I think true love transcends all things, even kink.


I guess that is where I differ. If true love were able to transcend sexuality, then there would really be no such thing as gay or straight, or even kinky and vanilla. There would be no posters explaining how they want to cheat because their vanilla partner doesn't understand them, or how they have met a perfect submissive lady but they are submissive too and wondering how they will get their desire for domination met.

People the whole world over choose each other on the basis of, initially, sexual compatibility. Is it conceivable that true love might change someone's approach to sexuality? Yes. Is it likely? No, not really.

I get that opinions differ and I'm not judging the OP. I'm just answering honestly because I think the OP deserves it.

(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Please help me understand - 1/18/2015 7:44:20 AM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12
I guess that is where I differ. If true love were able to transcend sexuality, then there would really be no such thing as gay or straight, or even kinky and vanilla. There would be no posters explaining how they want to cheat because their vanilla partner doesn't understand them, or how they have met a perfect submissive lady but they are submissive too and wondering how they will get their desire for domination met.

People the whole world over choose each other on the basis of, initially, sexual compatibility. Is it conceivable that true love might change someone's approach to sexuality? Yes. Is it likely? No, not really.

I get that opinions differ and I'm not judging the OP. I'm just answering honestly because I think the OP deserves it.


I understand why you see it that way, however for me, such lines don't really exist. I am bisexual. I can live with or without indulging with other women. I can live with or without indulging men if I so choose and I can live with or without kink if it's not on my terms. I have been loved and loved in return and preferred that to all the titles and nuances. And I agree with everything you said. I'm sort of an outlier on this in particular because choice is so important to me. For example, some subs might have never really known control in their lives. To me, to truly understand why and how you relinquish control you have to have had it in the first place to know what you are giving up which is why I think sexual maturity is important. It kind of answers those "why" questions so one can proceed in any given direction in confidence.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Please help me understand - 1/18/2015 7:44:52 AM   
LiveSpark


Posts: 808
Joined: 12/25/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
I think true love transcends all things, even kink.


I guess that is where I differ. If true love were able to transcend sexuality, then there would really be no such thing as gay or straight, or even kinky and vanilla. There would be no posters explaining how they want to cheat because their vanilla partner doesn't understand them, or how they have met a perfect submissive lady but they are submissive too and wondering how they will get their desire for domination met.

People the whole world over choose each other on the basis of, initially, sexual compatibility. Is it conceivable that true love might change someone's approach to sexuality? Yes. Is it likely? No, not really.

I get that opinions differ and I'm not judging the OP. I'm just answering honestly because I think the OP deserves it.


1) sexual orientation is biological that has been proven whether you believe it or not. 2) the old "my partner doesn't understand me" line is as old as time. People make poor choices, that's nothing to do with love imo they're just looking to cheat. 3)it is perfectly possible for two submissives or dominants to fall in love. There are plenty of profiles of dominant (and probably submissive) couples looking for a submissive to get their needs met.

You are answering honestly according to YOUR views. Don't confuse it with the truth period. I still say that the fact he's here shows a willingness to try. Who are we to say it won't work don't even try.

_____________________________

I've been here as MontrealPhoenix, zephyr and
TheFireWithinMe.

I also have the sarcasm gene which is NOT to be taken seriously.

If you fall I'll always be there to catch you ~ Floor

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Please help me understand - 1/18/2015 8:49:00 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
I think true love transcends all things, even kink.


I guess that is where I differ. If true love were able to transcend sexuality, then there would really be no such thing as gay or straight, or even kinky and vanilla. There would be no posters explaining how they want to cheat because their vanilla partner doesn't understand them, or how they have met a perfect submissive lady but they are submissive too and wondering how they will get their desire for domination met.

People the whole world over choose each other on the basis of, initially, sexual compatibility. Is it conceivable that true love might change someone's approach to sexuality? Yes. Is it likely? No, not really.

I get that opinions differ and I'm not judging the OP. I'm just answering honestly because I think the OP deserves it.


I agree with you. it's simply naive to say true love transcends all.

Sexual compatibility is as important as every other compatibility especially at first.

Over time this may change. And while it's admirable to try for your partner, if you are not wired for something you cannot change someone.

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Please help me understand - 1/18/2015 1:08:40 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1


quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12
I guess that is where I differ. If true love were able to transcend sexuality, then there would really be no such thing as gay or straight, or even kinky and vanilla. There would be no posters explaining how they want to cheat because their vanilla partner doesn't understand them, or how they have met a perfect submissive lady but they are submissive too and wondering how they will get their desire for domination met.

People the whole world over choose each other on the basis of, initially, sexual compatibility. Is it conceivable that true love might change someone's approach to sexuality? Yes. Is it likely? No, not really.

I get that opinions differ and I'm not judging the OP. I'm just answering honestly because I think the OP deserves it.


I agree with you. it's simply naive to say true love transcends all.

Sexual compatibility is as important as every other compatibility especially at first.

Over time this may change. And while it's admirable to try for your partner, if you are not wired for something you cannot change someone.


I disagree. But then I am a chameleon. Like I said, I'm kind of an outlier because of the versatility of my nature. Choice is important to me as it has a hand in "power". I hate feeling like I need anything out of what is necessary to survive. I also dislike not having control of myself or succumbing under pressure. I rebel against my very nature, my family, my religion and all things except my beliefs, my standards and expectations of self. My advice is aligned with the ballpark chance this sub may be the same way.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Please help me understand - 1/18/2015 1:28:38 PM   
GotSteel


Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: metaforce
- she used to be a slave. I want to understand the slave mindset in order to understand and relate to her.

There isn't just the one mindset of way of doing things, it's a really broad question to try and answer not knowing really anything about her.


quote:

ORIGINAL: metaforce
I could talk to her about it directly, but that usually upsets us both.

That's unfortunate.


quote:

ORIGINAL: metaforce
- I have no plans to engage in BDSM because I don't think I have it in me. She says she doesn't want that kind of relationship anymore but still is and always has been turned on by dominance.

Well if she's just looking for dominance the two of you could potentially get along just fine. Until very recent history just about every relationship was male dominant female submissive. It was the norm, if you have a remotely alpha personality it shouldn't be too hard to take the lead. Does that make sense?

(in reply to metaforce)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Please help me understand - 2/1/2015 9:11:55 AM   
oktoberfesh


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/8/2014
Status: offline
Metaforce,
Firstly, welcome - I think you came to the right place to ask - and as you can see you have received a lot of answers - and that is exactly what you should expect. 50 shades of gray is a fallacy.. it's more like 5 Million.. everyone is different.

You say BDSM 'scares' you.. if you like, you can look at the fact that you just received a LOT of very articulate helpful advice from everyone as a good sign.. we aren't scary people, not all of us reside in deep dark dungeons.. although some like that :)
If it's the pain thing that scares you.. know that there are a heck of a lot of people into 'this' not into pain either!
This 'thing' we do.. goes anywhere from soft scarves tied around wrists as a symbolic gesture to some serious edge play and every shade in between, I'd say that you just need to figure out where you are comfortable with on that spectrum.
So first step.. you will only be afraid of what you don't understand.. read lots - study, and realize that S&M is far more mainstream than you think.. I mean really, we have Justin Timberlake singing about being some ones slave on the radio.. it doesn't get more mainstream than that!

For the most part, we're just fun-loving kinky folk who you wouldn't suspect if you met us at a super bowl party tonight when the Pats are killing that Seattle lot - I forget what they're called.
To your specific questions;

- What do you think it is about you that makes you desire to assume the role of a slave?
There are slaves, submissives, bottoms.. all with slightly different definitions.. for many people it's a chance of sheer escapism.. a bit like Halloween.. everyone will give you a slightly different answer.. personally I'm a 'people pleaser'.

- How do you feel after a good scene? Do you feel liberated? Empowered? Cared for?

All of the above... but it depends on the scene.. a 'scene' can be whatever you make it.. there's a reason it's called a 'scene'.. it can be just like 'acting', and how it goes all depends on the script.
How about 'Perfectly relaxed', 'content', 'accepted'... hell lets go with "Happy"..

- Do you enjoy the suffering per se, or is it just a gateway to sexual and mental peace or bliss?

Ohh... that's a common misconception.. not everyone does this for any pain and suffering.. some do.. some don't, its a very individual thing, which is why you need to talk to her and understand exactly what she is looking for (or not).

- Do you also (on other occasions) like soft love? (E.g. cuddling, kind gestures, encouragement). Are these things antithetical or unrelated?

Absolutely.. I'll go out on a limb that most subs like a cuddle after a scene :) Again, this is my personal view, but all of those things you mentioned are a wonderful 'reward' for servitude.

I hope this helps... but my advice would be:
a) Read a lot (don't watch the porn videos)...become comfortable with the idea that this isn't scary, you simply fear the unknown. My first book on this was purchased for me - "The Loving Dominant" but there are plenty of other good reads.
b) Once you have done a) (a lot) talk to her, she will probably be thrilled that you took the time to understand her.

Good luck on working through this.

(in reply to metaforce)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Please help me understand - 2/11/2015 7:11:30 AM   
AnnaOfAramis


Posts: 523
Joined: 7/30/2008
Status: offline 		to the OP,

I am not going to tell you whether or not you two are suited for one another, because I don't know either of you. Just because this is a new concept for you doesn't mean it isn't in you either. If BDSM doesn't appeal to you, it may be that you are stereotyping what BDSM means based on how it is portrayed in the media. It isn't all about sadomasochism or degradation. There are a LOT of different ways to express a dominant/submissive relationship. Do some reading, and continue to talk to people and eventually you will find if anything resonates with you or makes sense to you. Some people are in a "50s lifestyle"- they live dominant and submissive the way June and Ward Cleaver did or my grandparents- just the man as head of the household. There is also Taken in Hand, which is similar in some ways. I am a slave, but I am not into sadomasochism, and we have more of a sensual take on things, in addition to him being head of the household and making the rules we live by. Feel free to PM me if you have questions I'm always happy to chat.

Anna

_____________________________

in obsequium hominis

(in reply to metaforce)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Please help me understand - 2/11/2015 7:21:25 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:


- What do you think it is about you that makes you desire to assume the role of a slave?
- How do you feel after a good scene? Do you feel liberated? Empowered? Cared for?


Actually, for me the desire seem to truly root from sexual, as in, it just turns me on, the whole scenario of it, I don't know why, I love being with a man who is super good at handling me, in another words, super good at controlling me. I just love it, and if he is able, I will be in awe of him, as it's not easy to handle me, I'm just very difficult and alpha-like myself. In my regular life, I'm usually the leader, men follow me. I want a man who can lead me for my sexual and romantic life and personal life.

After good scene, but I think good scene is not the right word for it, but when the right complimentary match comes and both of you are crazy about each other, and like the same things, the feeling is amazing, definitely loved, cared for, serenity, it's just incredible to be connected to someone in such a way and able to mutually give each other joy and pleasure. It just feels very private, personal and special, you just feel very connected to this person.

Perhaps I just can't feel this way with vanilla sex, because I find vanilla sex impersonal. I often feel very detached with it.

But I think in your situation, best is you communicate with her about how much you care for her and want to be with her but you aren't prepare to dabble into bdsm ever. I think the most important thing you need to find out is, can she be happy without bdsm in her life?

There are many women who can be happy to give up bdsm for a good man who loves and treats her well.

I mean similiar closeness could be achieve in a vanilla situation, like I was in a vanilla marriage, my x-husband knew all my sexual vices before he married me and he loved and accepted me anyway, EVEN though he doesn't sexually like any of it. And I could be open and tell him and had no skeletons in my closet from him, that worked out pretty well too. Of course I have to say that, our marriage did get hurt eventually due to our differences in sexual preferences. It became evident to him that he could not sexually satisfy me and he was unhappy about that, even though I never mention it but he could feel it.




< Message edited by Greta75 -- 2/11/2015 7:26:43 AM >

(in reply to metaforce)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Please help me understand - 2/11/2015 11:04:37 AM   
AlabamaPrincess


Posts: 134
Joined: 2/4/2015
From: The Dragon's Keep
Status: offline 		For me, it's cleansing. When I let go during a scene, and He is really talking and getting into things, he pushes my soul to submit, causing me to dissolve in a puddle of tears when it's all done. All of my stress, worry, and problems go away and I am free. The fact that I allow myself to submit, and give that to Him is for love and freedom. I've never been with anyone like Him before, and this D/s relationship is new for me, but it has truly helped me in many ways. For instance, my anxiety attacks have all but gone (with only one or 2 a month vs 2-3 a day). As has been said, everyone has a different experience. And Dominance can be anything. His hand on my shoulder is comforting and letting me know he's got things under control no matter what. I trust in that to my very core.

(in reply to sheisreeds)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Please help me understand - 2/11/2015 1:54:20 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Most of what I get from The Man is dominance. Which has nothing to do with kink.
If I'm standing in front of the freezer for 30 minutes trying to pick something to cook, he comes along and says "what are the options, and then tells me to cook ribs and not chicken." As I'm sure is apparent, there is nothing scary in picking what you want for dinner.

Or in telling her to take the car in first thing in the morning and have the transmission hose replaced because it's unsafe as is.

If what she needs is dominance, you leading the relationship, then I'm sure you are capable of doing that in certain areas. If what she wants is edge play, then you may well not be. But you need first to establish what she needs which requires communication. If she's afraid of talking for fear of rejection, then hold her while you ask questions. And reassure her that although you may not share her kinks you will not put her down for having them.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to AlabamaPrincess)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Please help me understand - 2/16/2015 9:08:23 AM   
preytolife


Posts: 138
Joined: 11/29/2010
From: LaLa Land
Status: offline 		Keep it simple.

She is the only one that can tell you why she enjoyed being a slave. She's the only one that knows what that meant for her. We can't tell you because we don't know.

Has she asked you to accept BDSM? BDSM is what you make it. You get to pick and choose what it means to you and figure out what you enjoy. Take the parts you like and throw out the bits you don't. BDSM relationships aren't that different from anything else for the most part, there are still fun parts and the sucky shit still happens. BDSM doesn't have to be scary, it can be a bonding experience, it can incredibly empowering for everyone involved and it can be a tool to help you communicate better in your relationships.

If you can't have a civil conversation with her though about her past and it's that important to you then you might have bigger problems. No one else can press a magic button to make that conversation suddenly work.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 40
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