In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene?

In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (Full Version)

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Bhruic -> In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 11:32:39 AM)
In my own experience, I met my partner on a conventional dating site, and focused on vanilla qualities I was looking for in a partner. As we became more comfortable with each other sexually, and built trust, we discovered we were both kinky and compatible... and then the exploration began. Luck was a huge factor I guess. But she is not the kind of person that would have worn her kink on her sleeve as a single girl, so if I had pursued an LTR through a kink site I would never have met her. I imagine there are a lot of people who keep their kink side hidden until they know they will be accepted, and thus are not represented on sites like this. As a kinkster, this has made me wonder about the pro's and cons of pursuing an LTR through initially vanilla channels vs. going straight to the BDSM community. I am curious about the community's thoughts and experiences on this one.

DarkSteven -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 11:34:09 AM)
I literally met my partner at a scene. It was a spanking party. I talked a while and asked her to play. After, we talked some more, and I got her contact info.

GoddessManko -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 11:50:28 AM)
With male subs, submission is a seemingly complicated thing from my observation. Someone once asked what it is a D can notice about a sub that they can't recognize themselves. I have met some remarkable would be subs on vanilla sites. When they reach out desiring Domination they usually have a heavy vanilla schedule or tragedy like illness of a parent (happened twice) which prevents them from being able to go right in for the long haul. By the time they may be ready, the thrill is gone for me. I'm not the most patient person in the world because I "don't leave people hanging" so expect the same courtesy. A lot of wonderful subs also are very submissive to members of their family (especially children) and that replaces their desire to be in a full time D/s relationship. This is very, very common. They will usually flake out and use the excuse of "doing what's best for everyone" to rationalize it. It has an element of selflessness, giving up true desires. Therefore it is submissive. For someone more patient than myself, there are a slew of eligible, vanilla compatible and well rounded subs on vanilla sites. My ex collared I met on a lesser known kink site with paid membership, my current service sub I met on collarspace. Rare exceptions to this rule as my current sub's submissive place comes from a very altruistic place. Sometimes not settling has its benefits and I adore him and vice versa. Only sub who's fetish he was reluctant to disclose I am willing to acknowledge.

MariaB -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 1:07:07 PM)
I met my husband on here. Prior to him I met my four year liven in relationship on here. I did find out that a good few vanilla men are up for submitting but funnily enough had never done any research, prior to meeting me. I found that off putting with males because if there was a genuine and long going interest, surely they would of explored it on the internet?

GoddessManko -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 1:25:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB I met my husband on here. Prior to him I met my four year liven in relationship on here. I did find out that a good few vanilla men are up for submitting but funnily enough had never done any research, prior to meeting me. I found that off putting with males because if there was a genuine and long going interest, surely they would of explored it on the internet? Funny, enough, many "subs" who have explored on the internet refer me to fetish model sites or porn as what they expect. Or they have explored one single kink and are not open to anything else. They have no idea how this all works in the context of a relationship or a power exchange sometimes. The only site I think that's pretty good informationally apart from these forums (though I dislike their strict punishment/reward guidelines, I think that's dependent on D/s relationship) is aboutflr (for female Dommes). Some kinksters on here might be completely kink driven but are good men but they are too demanding and almost Dominant in their approach to kink and the expectation of it yet they label as a submissive. A lot of "I desire" and "I want" there. A lot of the guys on vanilla sites usually rely on good looks and seek out females who seem alpha type and thereafter reveal their desire/level of experience. That varies. I have never met a vanilla man with interest in it except maybe one of my best friends who at one time would tease me about it. They probably have always been kinky and are faking it like this one local investment banker I met once. They pretend to be innocent and vanilla for a while but if you continue the conversation they might get sexual and inappropriate all of a sudden, like someone else entirely.

NookieNotes -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 1:40:27 PM)
I met my Pet at a FemDom party. We did click amazingly well, vanilla-wise, as well as in our kinks. It was just an immediate charge between us.

InHisHeart -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 1:44:27 PM)
With my former Dom/husband, we met 35 years ago through a mutual friend. Our relationship outside the bedroom started as vanilla with some exploring with everyday D/s. Kinks in the bedroom were immediate and it wasn't long before our relationship developed into 24/7 D/s. With my now Master (7 years together), we met on a kink message board forum and started right out with all of it. I didn't keep my desires, wants and kinks under wrap from my former or from Master, I laid the cards on the table right away. The vanilla relationships I had before meeting my former weren't fulfilling to me and I decided way back then that I wasn't going to get involved in vanilla with hopes of it maybe building into more only to find out that wasn't going to happen and then having to end the relationship.

LiveSpark -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 2:01:38 PM)
Every one of my D/s relationships were kinky right from the start. One of the things I regret was not starting off with a solid foundation of vanilla and going from there. We hit the ground running and in these cases it just didn't work. So my next relationship will start as friends and build from there. I'm in no rush, this time I'll do it right (for me) and take things slow.

FieryOpal -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 2:07:34 PM)
A long time ago, I met my future husband at a vanilla party. Not a story I would ever want to tell my grandchildren, but I knew he was kinky in an offbeat, unconventional way from the very start. I'll also let you gals in on a little secret, if you didn't already know this. Not always, but in many instances, when a guy acts particularly cocky...it's because [insert logical conclusion here]. The first time we had sex, I wasn't over my period yet. No, nothing squicky happened; I wouldn't permit him. But I couldn't help but think to myself that this man must really like eating pussy. He wasn't sexually uninhibited in the group sex sense or anything like that (which would have turned me off), but he was game for pretty much anything I wanted to try with him, and then some. Over a gradual period of time (many years), we went from bedroom D/s to a full-time FLR/WLM-Wife Led Marriage. Foot fetishists and sissyCDs aside, on the scene and on this site, it has become blasé that male subs are either gungho for marathon oral worshipping sessions, getting ass-fucked, obsessed with chastity cockcages, or any combination thereof. Even on vanilla dating sites, guys know what getting pegged is and bring the subject up. A much younger girlfriend of mine in the scene has much better success with finding vanilla dates willing to please her sexually than with kinksters she meets.

RockaRolla -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 2:10:17 PM)
I met my boyfriend through OKC. Even though it's a vanilla setting, I made it clear on my profile without giving too many details that I was kinky and was not monogamous. His profile if I recall was not as straightforward in these aspects, but he approached me and sent the first message knowing full well what he was signing up for. As we got to know each other better, we found our experiences didn't quite match up (both bottom-leaning switches) but open for experimentation. The boytoy I met through other kinky friends, so there was no vanilla facade there.

seekingreality -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 2:29:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bhruic In my own experience, I met my partner on a conventional dating site, and focused on vanilla qualities I was looking for in a partner. As we became more comfortable with each other sexually, and built trust, we discovered we were both kinky and compatible... and then the exploration began. Luck was a huge factor I guess. But she is not the kind of person that would have worn her kink on her sleeve as a single girl, so if I had pursued an LTR through a kink site I would never have met her. I imagine there are a lot of people who keep their kink side hidden until they know they will be accepted, and thus are not represented on sites like this. As a kinkster, this has made me wonder about the pro's and cons of pursuing an LTR through initially vanilla channels vs. going straight to the BDSM community. I am curious about the community's thoughts and experiences on this one. I've had it happen both ways. I've met partners on kink sites and conventional dating sites. The key, to me, is how big a part kink is in your life. If you are going to be miserable without certain things, best to bring it up fairly early so as not to waste each other's time.

FeisTsub -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 2:47:30 PM)
My partner and I met on a conventional vanilla dating site. Full disclosure, Bhruic is my partner! We are wonderfully fortunate to be as compatible as we are and to have found each other at all. It was only after being together for a year or so that we expanded the parameters of the sexual relationship beyond vanilla and again, much to our delight - more compatibility! Being a 'shy' and cautious person in this regard, starting out our relationship vanilla and slow, allowed me to feel safe and secure enough to explore. I am a lucky girl!

Spiritedsub2 -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 3:44:42 PM)
I think luck was a huge factor for you, OP. What would you have done if you and your current partner had clicked in vanilla mode but she hadn't turned out to be kinky-inclined? As for me, I've only met one kinky person in a vanilla setting. And because I don't find vanilla relationships satisfying, I would not look to meet people in vanilla settings without bringing up the bdsm aspect in the beginning. I envy your luck [:)]

GoddessManko -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 5:33:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2 I think luck was a huge factor for you, OP. What would you have done if you and your current partner had clicked in vanilla mode but she hadn't turned out to be kinky-inclined? As for me, I've only met one kinky person in a vanilla setting. And because I don't find vanilla relationships satisfying, I would not look to meet people in vanilla settings without bringing up the bdsm aspect in the beginning. I envy your luck [:)] Surprising, most kinksters I have met were through vanilla sites. Maybe you didn't specify what you were seeking or networking as much as I was because needle, meet haystack.

GoddessManko -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 5:38:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FieryOpal Even on vanilla dating sites, guys know what getting pegged is and bring the subject up. A much younger girlfriend of mine in the scene has much better success with finding vanilla dates willing to please her sexually than with kinksters she meets. This exactly, and I always remember that the only man who didn't pull out a chair or open a door for me labelled himself as a "slave". It was a shocking experience when it happened since I had gotten so used to it.

LiveSpark -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 5:41:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessManko quote: ORIGINAL: FieryOpal Even on vanilla dating sites, guys know what getting pegged is and bring the subject up. A much younger girlfriend of mine in the scene has much better success with finding vanilla dates willing to please her sexually than with kinksters she meets. This exactly, and I always remember that the only man who didn't pull out a chair or open a door for me labelled himself as a "slave". It was a shocking experience when it happened since I had gotten so used to it. Well the easy explanation is he didn't label himself as a slave to you that's all. That's how I feel, just because I'm _______ doesn't mean I'm going to be everyone's __________.

GoddessManko -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 5:46:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LiveSpark Well the easy explanation is he didn't label himself as a slave to you that's all. That's how I feel, just because I'm _______ doesn't mean I'm going to be everyone's __________. Oh no, he wanted me to train him on a slave compound he created out of a 4000 sq ft house. His plan was to move me in that weekend but he kind of wrecked it by showing little interest in being a gentleman first.

LiveSpark -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 5:51:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessManko quote: ORIGINAL: LiveSpark Well the easy explanation is he didn't label himself as a slave to you that's all. That's how I feel, just because I'm _______ doesn't mean I'm going to be everyone's __________. Oh no, he wanted me to train him on a slave compound he created out of a 4000 sq ft house. His plan was to move me in that weekend but he kind of wrecked it by showing little interest in being a gentleman first. Ah okay that's different. I would have done the same thing. Odd though I would have thought he would have done that minimum. I suspect a high level of fantasy here.

Musicmystery -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 6:01:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bhruic In my own experience, I met my partner on a conventional dating site, and focused on vanilla qualities I was looking for in a partner. As we became more comfortable with each other sexually, and built trust, we discovered we were both kinky and compatible... and then the exploration began. Luck was a huge factor I guess. But she is not the kind of person that would have worn her kink on her sleeve as a single girl, so if I had pursued an LTR through a kink site I would never have met her. I imagine there are a lot of people who keep their kink side hidden until they know they will be accepted, and thus are not represented on sites like this. As a kinkster, this has made me wonder about the pro's and cons of pursuing an LTR through initially vanilla channels vs. going straight to the BDSM community. I am curious about the community's thoughts and experiences on this one. I think it works either way. But like you, I stated with a "vanilla" girl I'd known for years (we just hadn't had the chance to spark before), and we quickly realized a lot more was there, love/relationship wise and kink wise. Today she's wearing my collar and sitting at my feet reading while I type this.

GoddessManko -> RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? (1/6/2015 6:08:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LiveSpark Ah okay that's different. I would have done the same thing. Odd though I would have thought he would have done that minimum. I suspect a high level of fantasy here. Yes, exactly as you stated. The were other subtle warning bells like his being x years old and never being collared despite having "more equipment than a proDomme" according to him. I did want to give the compound a gander (he had four cages including two rotating ones) but wasn't worth the trouble. He seemed like a nice guy but people show their intent in very tiny and trace ways that are hard to pick up. My guess is he moves a new girl in every few weeks and when he's sick of her goes scouting for someone else. I sensed something deeply deceptive in his intent whether to me or himself.

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