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RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/6/2015 6:12:41 PM

LiveSpark

Posts: 808
Joined: 12/25/2014
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

Ah okay that's different. I would have done the same thing. Odd though I would have thought he would have done that minimum. I suspect a high level of fantasy here.

Yes, exactly as you stated. The were other subtle warning bells like his being x years old and never being collared despite having "more equipment than a proDomme" according to him. I did want to give the compound a gander (he had four cages including two rotating ones) but wasn't worth the trouble. He seemed like a nice guy but people show their intent in very tiny and trace ways that are hard to pick up. My guess is he moves a new girl in every few weeks and when he's sick of her goes scouting for someone else. I sensed something deeply deceptive in his intent whether to me or himself.

His money, his space but I doubt it'll go anywhere. I just hope those girls don't end up with the wrong idea of what BDSM is like. It sounds like he doesn't have a clue.

_____________________________

I've been here as MontrealPhoenix, zephyr and
TheFireWithinMe.

I also have the sarcasm gene which is NOT to be taken seriously.

If you fall I'll always be there to catch you ~ Floor

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 21

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/6/2015 6:16:38 PM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

His money, his space but I doubt it'll go anywhere. I just hope those girls don't end up with the wrong idea of what BDSM is like. It sounds like he doesn't have a clue.

My opinion is he's better off negotiating with pros and photographers etc to use his compound and possibly himself. He's not really submitting anyway so might as well, win win. But I think he's convinced himself he wants an actual relationship despite not knowing the basics of "how to charm a human female". I don't need his money or space so walking away was easy for me.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to LiveSpark)

Post #: 22

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/6/2015 6:33:41 PM

LiveSpark

Posts: 808
Joined: 12/25/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

His money, his space but I doubt it'll go anywhere. I just hope those girls don't end up with the wrong idea of what BDSM is like. It sounds like he doesn't have a clue.

My opinion is he's better off negotiating with pros and photographers etc to use his compound and possibly himself. He's not really submitting anyway so might as well, win win. But I think he's convinced himself he wants an actual relationship despite not knowing the basics of "how to charm a human female". I don't need his money or space so walking away was easy for me.

Guys like that scare me though at least he's on the "sub" side. At least the harm he can cause is minimal apart from some misconceptions. I do agree that he would be better of renting the space out.

_____________________________

I've been here as MontrealPhoenix, zephyr and
TheFireWithinMe.

I also have the sarcasm gene which is NOT to be taken seriously.

If you fall I'll always be there to catch you ~ Floor

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 23

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/6/2015 6:34:39 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

Ah okay that's different. I would have done the same thing. Odd though I would have thought he would have done that minimum. I suspect a high level of fantasy here.

Yes, exactly as you stated. The were other subtle warning bells like his being x years old and never being collared despite having "more equipment than a proDomme" according to him. I did want to give the compound a gander (he had four cages including two rotating ones) but wasn't worth the trouble. He seemed like a nice guy but people show their intent in very tiny and trace ways that are hard to pick up. My guess is he moves a new girl in every few weeks and when he's sick of her goes scouting for someone else. I sensed something deeply deceptive in his intent whether to me or himself.

It all makes sense now. I was supposed to go to his house for an exotic dish called Manko Stew, but for some reason he canceled.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 24

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/6/2015 6:34:43 PM

sheisreeds

Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

I think luck was a huge factor for you, OP. What would you have done if you and your current partner had clicked in vanilla mode but she hadn't turned out to be kinky-inclined? As for me, I've only met one kinky person in a vanilla setting. And because I don't find vanilla relationships satisfying, I would not look to meet people in vanilla settings without bringing up the bdsm aspect in the beginning.

This.

I did meet my partner on a vanilla dating website, though one that was known to harbor quite a few kinksters. I was also actively on here, and other kink related sites. I thought he was cute and that at the very least we'd be a support system for one another because we were both finishing up our divorces (which requires a minimum year of separation in our state).

However, while I did not hide my kink I did not bring it up immediately. Mainly because I found that a lot of non kinksters find the idea of a kinky girl very attractive and will often even be engaged in the kink awhile and then lose interest, but still want sex. And for me if there is no power exchange or pain, it's not sex.

Though after we met I was pretty darn sure, and the first time there was any intimacy as soon as I felt that click (aka him almost biting a hole in my jeans), we had a very very long conversation and were totally on the same page. Maybe a week after that? We were drowning one another in the hot tub at a dungeon party.

I also wasn't dating exclusively at that time. In fact the weekend before our first date I had just done my second rope suspension for a shoot with a domme and dom I played with fairly regularly. So it wasn't a huge loss if I met someone once or twice and I didn't see that in them.

On kink sites I was very upfront with what I wanted and needed, though had a lot of the same difficulties as on vanilla sites. Lots of folks who liked the idea versus the actuality of BDSM. With a few exceptions. And the amount of time to safely meet someone before play was the same as non kink sites. And often with kink meetups it was a bit harder to look for outside of BDSM compatibility. I can have amazing scenes with people I can't stand to have a conversation with, let alone have a relationship.

I mention not dating exclusively and freely engaging in play because that really gave me the freedom to date and not settle. It also gave me a chance to more thoroughly explore my interests and needs. It's not the approach for everyone, but as a pretty heavy masochist it was great for me. Pain is better than sex.

However, I will say I have amazing luck meeting kinky folks in vanilla settings. I can feel it in the chemistry. The biggest lesson I have learned in my life is if I don't feel it, don't continue.

I've now been in the same relationship for almost 6 years, we've been monogamous for 5, we've been living together since a month after we met. We have a 24/7 dynamic, and that has been the case since a week after we've met.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in

You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 25

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/6/2015 6:44:48 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

My guy and I met on here, but ours is a mixture of kink and vanilla.

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 26

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/6/2015 9:04:06 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

I met her here.

1st date was "vanilla" get to know each other date, lasted 4 days. Vanilla turned out to be all things BDSM but no edge play, she was only bleeding a little bit.

All my previous LTRs (10+ years each) started as classic lifestyle referrals. In my history, I found few BDSM partners or playmates in the vanilla world. Fishing for BDSM companions in a vanilla pond has never been very productive for me... although, through the years on rare occasion I have found a like minded compatible leather heart in vanilla environments.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

Post #: 27

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/6/2015 10:45:02 PM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

It all makes sense now. I was supposed to go to his house for an exotic dish called Manko Stew, but for some reason he canceled.

So it was your diabolical plan all along! Should have known, eureka! I need to stop thread jacking now, LOL.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 28

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/7/2015 5:06:57 AM

LiveSpark

Posts: 808
Joined: 12/25/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

It all makes sense now. I was supposed to go to his house for an exotic dish called Manko Stew, but for some reason he canceled.

So it was your diabolical plan all along! Should have known, eureka! I need to stop thread jacking now, LOL.

Oh please don't play innocent, you knew all along.

_____________________________

I've been here as MontrealPhoenix, zephyr and
TheFireWithinMe.

I also have the sarcasm gene which is NOT to be taken seriously.

If you fall I'll always be there to catch you ~ Floor

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 29

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/7/2015 7:07:29 AM

Bhruic

Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

I think luck was a huge factor for you, OP. What would you have done if you and your current partner had clicked in vanilla mode but she hadn't turned out to be kinky-inclined? As for me, I've only met one kinky person in a vanilla setting. And because I don't find vanilla relationships satisfying, I would not look to meet people in vanilla settings without bringing up the bdsm aspect in the beginning.

I envy your luck

I certainly agree that luck was a factor... and yet, even in a vanilla context, I am who I am and my Dominance (or confidence as it would appear in that context) certainly would have come through... as well as the importance of sex to a relationship.

But I suppose you take your chances either way. You can approach LTR from the vanilla end, and hope there is kink there, or you can approach it from the kink end, and hope you are compatible in the day to day matters of vanilla life.

Both vanilla and kink compatibility are important to the success of a LTR I think.

What I wonder is this... Given that kink is often an intense and focused thing, if you approach LTRs from the kink end first is it possible that you might spend more time, and become more invested in a relationship before finding out if there is vanilla compatibility than you would if you started at the vanilla end, and invested time to find out if there was kink compatibility?

P.S. this thread is FeisTsub's first foray in to forums of any kind... I hope CS folks will be welcoming :)

< Message edited by Bhruic -- 1/7/2015 7:16:15 AM >

_____________________________

pronounced "VROOick"

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 30

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/7/2015 7:41:10 AM

satanscharmer

Posts: 376
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic

What I wonder is this... Given that kink is often an intense and focused thing, if you approach LTRs from the kink end first is it possible that you might spend more time, and become more invested in a relationship before finding out if there is vanilla compatibility than you would if you started at the vanilla end, and invested time to find out if there was kink compatibility?

Depends on the person, maybe? Knowing myself, I'd invest more time if starting vanilla first. I'm a heavily guarded person and the more I trust someone the more I'll divulge about myself. I don't know if I'd ever be able to start with kink first but if I did, all of that out of the way, there would be little barriers to overcome.

quote:

P.S. this thread is FeisTsub's first foray in to forums of any kind... I hope CS folks will be welcoming :)

Welcome FeisTsub!!!!

(in reply to Bhruic)

Post #: 31

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/7/2015 7:47:21 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

I first 'met' my Owner in an adult chat room, because it revolved around cyber-sex kink was immediately a part of things. Soon though I became deeply attracted to his personality and things grew from there. Our first IRL meeting was also about kink, well it was more about me submitting to him than actual kinky sex.

It has always amused me, how we met. If I were to have read about him on paper I don't think I'd have been all that attracted to him, he was the complete opposite of what I thought I was seeking. He definitely did not fit my 'type'! But hours of typing to/with him revealed our personalities without the actual physical part, we got to know each other on a very intimate level before meeting.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to satanscharmer)

Post #: 32

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/7/2015 7:47:58 AM

NookieNotes

Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FeisTsub

My partner and I met on a conventional vanilla dating site. Full disclosure, Bhruic is my partner!

Welcome!

*smiles*

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic
What I wonder is this... Given that kink is often an intense and focused thing, if you approach LTRs from the kink end first is it possible that you might spend more time, and become more invested in a relationship before finding out if there is vanilla compatibility than you would if you started at the vanilla end, and invested time to find out if there was kink compatibility?

I don't see it as one or the other. If I am not an emotional/lifestyle match, my kinks won't be any fun. For me, especially since I love mental and behavior modification, etc... it's just not fun unless I have that deep connection.

Drives many people crazy about me, but spanking a bottom is only interesting if I'm in MY bottom's head. Otherwise, it's like a mildly enjoyable afternoon at the bookstore.

_____________________________

Nookie
--
https://datingkinky.com

I Write! A few of my books on Amazon: http://amazon.com/author/msnnotes

(in reply to FeisTsub)

Post #: 33

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/7/2015 8:05:58 AM

littleladybug

Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline

I met my man on here, and my prior partner on another kinky website. In the case of my prior partner, we chatted for well over a year before we decided to try a relationship (we both had other things going on initially). In that time, I learned a lot about him, mostly non-kink related. In the case of my current partner, he contacted me here on a Thursday, and we met that Saturday at a local park to walk our dogs. The rest is history.

I have had luck searching on sites like this. It's not a question, for me, of conversations being "kink centered"-- it's more that the elephant in the room is tackled right from the get-go. Of course there are issues of kink-compatibility as well as compatibility in other aspects, but at least the conversation is open from the start.

I met my prior partner before meeting people on line was as widely accepted as it is now. I told some people the exact site we met on, and others I just told that "we met on a mutual interest forum". In my mind, the fact that the "mutual interest" was kink is no different than if it had been cooking, gaming, dogs, what have you. We shared a common interest that was important to both of us, and built the rest from there.

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 34

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/7/2015 8:09:44 AM

LittleGirlHeart

Posts: 1427
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline

We met on alt.com and we started our relationship as Dom/sub.

_____________________________

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 35

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/7/2015 3:15:20 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Both.

We talked about everything, kinky and vanilla. We determined compatibility both in play ways, in political viewpoints and everything else.

We met back on b.com, but from the first we talked about everything.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)

Post #: 36

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/7/2015 3:33:52 PM

sheisreeds

Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic

What I wonder is this... Given that kink is often an intense and focused thing, if you approach LTRs from the kink end first is it possible that you might spend more time, and become more invested in a relationship before finding out if there is vanilla compatibility than you would if you started at the vanilla end, and invested time to find out if there was kink compatibility?

I think it totally depends on what people are looking for and how they approach that.

A lot of play isn't necessarily directed at finding, not to mention developing, an LTR. Yes, a lot of past play partners I have a limited snapshot of them. Though, I wasn't looking for anything else from the scenario.

When looking for an LTR, and seeing the potential for an LTR with someone, I throw down all the cards pretty quickly. They're all on the table within the first few weeks.

Every person, every scenario, and every relationship is also unique.

My partner if I had flat out asked him at our first meet whether or not he was kinky, he thinks he would have probably said no. And he recognizes how idiotic that is given his history. So whatever fate was playing at that kept me from asking, kept me from even thinking about it since I guess to me it seemed so obvious, it was a good game indeed.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in

You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to Bhruic)

Post #: 37

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/7/2015 4:47:15 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Since I began doing this long before the internet, most of my partners were met in a regular vanilla setting. I look more bookish than kinky. I had no tats, no shaved hair, nothing that would peg me as different. But every man I have bedded has quickly turned kinky. Either it is me or there is some pheromone activity happening between us that draws us to one another.
The few men I met from kink activities led me to kinky relationships. Not nilla, or at least very little crossover.
I would rather stick to meeting nilla men who want a relationship, and if kink happens it is an added bonus.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to Bhruic)

Post #: 38

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/8/2015 8:51:05 PM

zerogirl

Posts: 28
Joined: 9/15/2013
Status: offline

We started out vanilla I guess you would say. We met on a regular dating site. I had had two D/s relationships prior to him, the last burned me so much that I actually quit seeking out the lifestyle and was determined to just find my "forever" person, Dom or not. I was upfront with Him pretty early on about my prior history and what I like. Even if I wasn't going to be lifestyle I still wanted kink in my life. He was totally fine with it and was turned on by some of the sexual aspects like typing up and light bondage and He was fine being dominating "in the bedroom" but had expressed He had no clue about being a Dom and didn't think it was something He could be. I respected that and knew He had His own issues because of an abusive childhood, to Him being in control completely and something like being a Master equated to being well an asshole which obviously was not something He wanted.

So for a few years we had a technically vanilla relationship but had plenty of kinky and fetish related sex. It wasn't until after our first was born and I Felt my life going completely out of control that I realized how much I desired being completely submissive again and how I needed someone to dominate me. Without getting into the whole story it basically just came down to me becoming the submissive I needed and wanted to be in order to bring out the Dom in Him. Even He was surprised by how smoothly we transitioned and how it all just seemed like it was what was missing once it happened. Once He got past this generalized stereotype He had of all Doms/Masters He fit right into the Gentle Daddy Dom that I needed. Now with that said, I still believe we would have stayed happy even if our relationship hadn't ever evolved to this next level too.

For me the scene just didn't offer me what I was looking for the time I was actively seeking in it. I needed a connection beyond D/s that I never found in the scene. Not to say I think you can't find it, there are certainly happy couples that prove otherwise. Just for me, I think I needed to find my best friend first. :)

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 39

RE: In your LTR did you start vanilla or scene? - 1/8/2015 11:45:12 PM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

Well, I am kinky and very aware of it. I had a vanilla profile on a dating site, that I made as a sort of a joke for a friend of mine in reaction to my other kinky profile. Hilariously, my partner messaged me on the vanilla profile and after a few messages, I linked him to the kinky one. We hit it off and eventually got married. Our relationship was always kinky, but it was a vanilla profile that started it all off.

(in reply to Bhruic)

Post #: 40

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