RE: With out a safe word

RE: With out a safe word (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

MariaB -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 5:27:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Xmatt What I meant was having a safe word that would end the blackmail. Having a safe word seems to put too much control into the subs hands. Blackmail is role-play and usually verbal coercion. I honestly can't see the point of a safeword in something like blackmail...I mean kidnap yes, but all you have to do if you don't want to be blackmailed any more is say, "I've had enough and I don't want to play around with this any longer". Funnily enough, being of the dominant type, I never thought I needed my own safe word but when we got into a play fight where I was occidentally put in trouble, that little word "RED" just popped right out of my mouth and strange this, even though he knew that neither of us had a safeword and so using or hearing a safeword would be useless, he understood and stopped immediately. ED to ask, are you wanting there to be no get out? that once the game starts it can go beyond a game if you see fit?

LiveSpark -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 5:36:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: needlesandpins quote: ORIGINAL: Xmatt But I am a sub. then you do what the hell you want, and pay the consequences for it without whinging like a bitch if it all goes wrong. needles More productively and more helpful...matt if you thing that a sub having a safe word gives too much power to the sub consider this. Having a safe word does give subs the balance of power yes but it also protects us IF the D-type respects it. Safe words keep us from getting hurt because they send a signal to the D-type that things are going too far. So before you play please make sure there is one and that you are reasonably sure that the D-type will respectful of it. If your gut feeling tells you that isn't likely to happen find someone else.

needlesandpins -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 6:15:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LiveSpark quote: ORIGINAL: needlesandpins quote: ORIGINAL: Xmatt But I am a sub. then you do what the hell you want, and pay the consequences for it without whinging like a bitch if it all goes wrong. needles More productively and more helpful...matt if you thing that a sub having a safe word gives too much power to the sub consider this. Having a safe word does give subs the balance of power yes but it also protects us IF the D-type respects it. Safe words keep us from getting hurt because they send a signal to the D-type that things are going too far. So before you play please make sure there is one and that you are reasonably sure that the D-type will respectful of it. If your gut feeling tells you that isn't likely to happen find someone else. there doesn't need to be anything productive, or helpful. he's a grown man, he's the sub. it's totally up to him to set his own boundaries for his own play, just like the rest of us. if he finds it totally erotic to not have a safeword as part of his play that's up to him. he's getting the answers of how others play, and what they think of a dom that would ignore signs of discomfort, or requests to stop. if he wants blackmail play without a safeword to stop it that's just dandy is it not? but if it all goes tits up then he can't bitch fit about it to anyone. needles

LiveSpark -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 6:19:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: needlesandpins quote: ORIGINAL: LiveSpark quote: ORIGINAL: needlesandpins quote: ORIGINAL: Xmatt But I am a sub. then you do what the hell you want, and pay the consequences for it without whinging like a bitch if it all goes wrong. needles More productively and more helpful...matt if you thing that a sub having a safe word gives too much power to the sub consider this. Having a safe word does give subs the balance of power yes but it also protects us IF the D-type respects it. Safe words keep us from getting hurt because they send a signal to the D-type that things are going too far. So before you play please make sure there is one and that you are reasonably sure that the D-type will respectful of it. If your gut feeling tells you that isn't likely to happen find someone else. there doesn't need to be anything productive, or helpful. he's a grown man, he's the sub. it's totally up to him to set his own boundaries for his own play, just like the rest of us. if he finds it totally erotic to not have a safeword as part of his play that's up to him. he's getting the answers of how others play, and what they think of a dom that would ignore signs of discomfort, or requests to stop. if he wants blackmail play without a safeword to stop it that's just dandy is it not? but if it all goes tits up then he can't bitch fit about it to anyone. needles And you're assuming he has experience. I find it more productive to instruct and maybe save him making a mistake. then maybe it won't go tits up in the first place. You instead chose snark. It's up to you of course but I prefer trying to help.

needlesandpins -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 6:31:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LiveSpark quote: ORIGINAL: needlesandpins quote: ORIGINAL: LiveSpark quote: ORIGINAL: needlesandpins quote: ORIGINAL: Xmatt But I am a sub. then you do what the hell you want, and pay the consequences for it without whinging like a bitch if it all goes wrong. needles More productively and more helpful...matt if you thing that a sub having a safe word gives too much power to the sub consider this. Having a safe word does give subs the balance of power yes but it also protects us IF the D-type respects it. Safe words keep us from getting hurt because they send a signal to the D-type that things are going too far. So before you play please make sure there is one and that you are reasonably sure that the D-type will respectful of it. If your gut feeling tells you that isn't likely to happen find someone else. there doesn't need to be anything productive, or helpful. he's a grown man, he's the sub. it's totally up to him to set his own boundaries for his own play, just like the rest of us. if he finds it totally erotic to not have a safeword as part of his play that's up to him. he's getting the answers of how others play, and what they think of a dom that would ignore signs of discomfort, or requests to stop. if he wants blackmail play without a safeword to stop it that's just dandy is it not? but if it all goes tits up then he can't bitch fit about it to anyone. needles And you're assuming he has experience. I find it more productive to instruct and maybe save him making a mistake. then maybe it won't go tits up in the first place. You instead chose snark. It's up to you of course but I prefer trying to help. true enough, but he also claims to be 39, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt of having some common sense. he's not some wet behind the ears teeny bop. he's old enough to know the difference between fantasy, and real life. if he doesn't then he's a danger to himself, and anyone he gets involved with when he's talking about blackmail. needles

LiveSpark -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 6:36:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: needlesandpins quote: ORIGINAL: LiveSpark quote: ORIGINAL: needlesandpins quote: ORIGINAL: LiveSpark quote: ORIGINAL: needlesandpins quote: ORIGINAL: Xmatt But I am a sub. then you do what the hell you want, and pay the consequences for it without whinging like a bitch if it all goes wrong. needles More productively and more helpful...matt if you thing that a sub having a safe word gives too much power to the sub consider this. Having a safe word does give subs the balance of power yes but it also protects us IF the D-type respects it. Safe words keep us from getting hurt because they send a signal to the D-type that things are going too far. So before you play please make sure there is one and that you are reasonably sure that the D-type will respectful of it. If your gut feeling tells you that isn't likely to happen find someone else. there doesn't need to be anything productive, or helpful. he's a grown man, he's the sub. it's totally up to him to set his own boundaries for his own play, just like the rest of us. if he finds it totally erotic to not have a safeword as part of his play that's up to him. he's getting the answers of how others play, and what they think of a dom that would ignore signs of discomfort, or requests to stop. if he wants blackmail play without a safeword to stop it that's just dandy is it not? but if it all goes tits up then he can't bitch fit about it to anyone. needles And you're assuming he has experience. I find it more productive to instruct and maybe save him making a mistake. then maybe it won't go tits up in the first place. You instead chose snark. It's up to you of course but I prefer trying to help. true enough, but he also claims to be 39, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt of having some common sense. he's not some wet behind the ears teeny bop. he's old enough to know the difference between fantasy, and real life. if he doesn't then he's a danger to himself, and anyone he gets involved with when he's talking about blackmail. needles I discovered BDSM when I was roughly 45. While I had loads of common sense it didn't necessarily transfer to D/s stuff. Yup I was stupid, incredibly stupid. So I prefer instructing because he (to me) doesn't have a lot of experience and I'd rather try and save him making some of my mistakes some of which might well - no exaggeration - cost me my life.

catize -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 7:03:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Xmatt But I am a sub. And my dominant has told me that it is imperative I communicate what is going on with me ---I need to trust him to not 'harm' me and he needs to trust me that I wil not allow myself to be harmed. Like others a 'safeword' isn't what we use but if I say "NO!" or "CRAMP!!" he knows to stop.

Xmatt -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 11:23:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB quote: ORIGINAL: Xmatt What I meant was having a safe word that would end the blackmail. Having a safe word seems to put too much control into the subs hands. Blackmail is role-play and usually verbal coercion. I honestly can't see the point of a safeword in something like blackmail...I mean kidnap yes, but all you have to do if you don't want to be blackmailed any more is say, "I've had enough and I don't want to play around with this any longer". Funnily enough, being of the dominant type, I never thought I needed my own safe word but when we got into a play fight where I was occidentally put in trouble, that little word "RED" just popped right out of my mouth and strange this, even though he knew that neither of us had a safeword and so using or hearing a safeword would be useless, he understood and stopped immediately. ED to ask, are you wanting there to be no get out? that once the game starts it can go beyond a game if you see fit? I guess that's my fantasy. To actually be under someone's control and to not have an out. Then they could make me do things that I would normally be reluctant to do.

SeekingTrinity -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 11:43:58 AM)
Fantasy is great, but you have to be able to separate fantasy from reality. You as a sub will always maintain some level of power. You choose to stay in a relationship or you choose to leave if it doesn't work out. No one can force you to stay. That is your power. If someone is blackmailing you and you want an out...well, a call to a police department puts the kibosh on it. No one can force you not to call if you say "that's it, I'm done." This type of relationship is all based on your willingness to give up your power...and your continued willingness to keep surrendering it. No one can force you to stay in something you don't want to choose to stay in. You are pretty new to this way of being, aren't you? Nothing wrong with it if you are. We all started some time. It's more my curiosity that prompts me to ask.

ExiledTyrant -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 11:44:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Xmatt I guess that's my fantasy. To actually be under someone's control and to not have an out. Then they could make me do things that I would normally be reluctant to do. Having a hypnotist making you run around and cluck like a chicken is kinda freaky for some people, but when a sadist does it to you, you are consciously aware and will have a feather duster stuck up your ass for his/her amusement. So, if you find a hypnotist making you act like a chicken is not your vision of fun, then what a sadist will do to you would be a personal hell... consider your limitations, because if you present yourself with none, a sadist will make it their mission to find them. Jus sayin

needlesandpins -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 12:10:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant quote: ORIGINAL: Xmatt I guess that's my fantasy. To actually be under someone's control and to not have an out. Then they could make me do things that I would normally be reluctant to do. Having a hypnotist making you run around and cluck like a chicken is kinda freaky for some people, but when a sadist does it to you, you are consciously aware and will have a feather duster stuck up your ass for his/her amusement. So, if you find a hypnotist making you act like a chicken is not your vision of fun, then what a sadist will do to you would be a personal hell... consider your limitations, because if you present yourself with none, a sadist will make it their mission to find them. Jus sayin yep, that's kind of my point too. all this stuff about calling the police is just not on. if you are not willing to set yourself limits/boundaries because you can't/won't separate fantasy from real life, then you don't get to cry about it to the police. it's like saying that you wanted a rape play scenario, but didn't want to set limits. the other person asks are you sure? you say yes. then you realise that they are going further than it took you to actually cum in your fantasies, so you call the police, and get them in to trouble. hang on though, who's really at fault? needles

Musicmystery -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 12:25:29 PM)
~FR~ The point it to ultimately be in a safe space. If that involves a word or not is the mechanics of how that safe space works. And if not, knowing what allows that space to be safe--probably starting with trust in a long-time partner.

LiveSpark -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 12:55:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: needlesandpins quote: ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant quote: ORIGINAL: Xmatt I guess that's my fantasy. To actually be under someone's control and to not have an out. Then they could make me do things that I would normally be reluctant to do. Having a hypnotist making you run around and cluck like a chicken is kinda freaky for some people, but when a sadist does it to you, you are consciously aware and will have a feather duster stuck up your ass for his/her amusement. So, if you find a hypnotist making you act like a chicken is not your vision of fun, then what a sadist will do to you would be a personal hell... consider your limitations, because if you present yourself with none, a sadist will make it their mission to find them. Jus sayin yep, that's kind of my point too. all this stuff about calling the police is just not on. if you are not willing to set yourself limits/boundaries because you can't/won't separate fantasy from real life, then you don't get to cry about it to the police. it's like saying that you wanted a rape play scenario, but didn't want to set limits. the other person asks are you sure? you say yes. then you realise that they are going further than it took you to actually cum in your fantasies, so you call the police, and get them in to trouble. hang on though, who's really at fault? needles That's why it's so important to a) define things like rape play, blackmail etc b) have a good long talk about how far things should go. There is a line beyond which rape play becomes rape so I'm uncomfortable with stating point blank that there is no point beyond which the police shouldn't be called. Just because he didn't realize that things couldn't go too far doesn't mean they can't. I'm not sure that the police should be called but I'm also not sure they shouldn't. I think the D-type should make sure there is that discussion. If there isn't the D-type bears some of the responsibility if things go pear shaped

LiveSpark -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 2:28:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Musicmystery ~FR~ The point it to ultimately be in a safe space. If that involves a word or not is the mechanics of how that safe space works. And if not, knowing what allows that space to be safe--probably starting with trust in a long-time partner. I agree that the ultimate is not needing a safe word because of being with a long-term partner who can be trusted 100% and who knows my limits and what I do/don't like. Now I define long-term as 5+ years or so, frankly I'm not willing to wait that long to play so having a safe word is mandatory. It would be great to not need one but as long as we don't know each other very well it's safer for both sides of the D if there's a quick way to communicate that things are going too far.....in my opinion.

Musicmystery -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 4:32:55 PM)
Depending on the mechanics of how that safe space works. If you're doing dangerous things, that will work differently.

LiveSpark -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 4:38:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Musicmystery Depending on the mechanics of how that safe space works. If you're doing dangerous things, that will work differently. How so? I can think of activities that I wouldn't consider dangerous per se but I would want to know he would stop if things got too intense. Can you clarify what you mean about the mechanics of that safe space. I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

UnholyBear -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 6:46:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Xmatt What I meant was having a safe word that would end the blackmail. Having a safe word seems to put too much control into the subs hands. Sorry dude but you are totally way off base here. The overall purpose to a safe word is to clearly inform the person you are playing with that something is not right, either you you need to take a short breather or what you are experiencing is way too intense to handle. Safe words have their use when they are used in a manner which it`s intended for, it is not a form of control. That applies to everyone regardless to the role they identify as. I play both sides of the top/bottom roles and even when I am topping and in control, I would use a safe word if I feel the scene is heading towards disaster or the sub i am playing with wants to engage in something that violates m y limits. Much of the time I a a bottom and have a select few who I`ve been playing with for a few years and we don`t use safe words. We know each other well enough that safe words aren`t even part of our dynamics.

Gauge -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 7:55:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Xmatt I guess that's my fantasy. To actually be under someone's control and to not have an out. Then they could make me do things that I would normally be reluctant to do. What you describe is prison. You don't need a safeword, you need a prison sentence. If prison does not appeal to you, then you should really heed the advice of people and slow down with the talk of no limits and no control. "No Limits" always makes me laugh simply because if death or dismemberment is off the table, you have limits. "No control" also makes me laugh for the same reasons. You need to separate the fantasy aspect of things and the reality of them. Relinquishing control to someone can place you in a situation where you are willing to go, and sometimes unwilling to go but are willing to be led there. The point is, is that submissives have control over what happens to them, dominants should be wise enough to know that what happens to their submissives is their responsibility... and a damn important responsibility at that. If you walked up to me and told me you have no limits and I could do what I wanted, I would have you walk into your place of employment and masturbate in your own feces. If you object because you would lose your job, you have limits and you would have learned an important lesson from me. So, which appeals to you? Prison? Dismemberment? Whacking off on your own shit at your job? Or does the fact that you can have some choices and some control appeal to you more? Having some control doesn't make you less submissive, it makes you wise.

InHisHeart -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 7:59:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Xmatt What I meant was having a safe word that would end the blackmail. Having a safe word seems to put too much control into the subs hands. A safe word is to let the other know something is not going well. Even though my Master knows me inside out and upside down, I have a safe word in case I need it for whatever reason I need to use it. I don't screw around with my safe word, I don't cry wolf and I don't abuse it, I have it for when I need it. I enjoy being challenged and pushed farther than what I know I can handle, if when being pushed gets to a point I can no longer handle it physically or emotionally, I can safe word him and I know he'll stop. It's not about the sub having too much control, it's about staying safe. In 7 years I've been with him, I had to use my safe word twice, both times were because I could feel an asthma attack starting to come on.

DesFIP -> RE: With out a safe word (1/12/2015 8:07:46 PM)
And with such edgy play as blackmail, a safe word protects the dominant as much as the sub. Because otherwise it's the dominant who goes to jail for doing something illegal, the sub wouldn't even be charged. So start thinking of this from your prospective dominant's pov. They will barely know you, there's no five years of solid relationship to help them feel that they are safe playing with you. But you being willing to use a safeword will make them feel safer. Without it, they may well decline to play with you as the risks to them are so great.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.09375