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The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/19/2015 8:51:50 PM

AllTheThings

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Without getting too in detail, how do you deal with guilt from family after you tell them you're more than ready to leave the nest and they tell you "All you want to do is leave and never come back! You don't love us anymore! The world is horrible and you can't make it out there by yourself!!"

How, just how do you deal with it? Because I've been dealing with this for far too long and the guilt eats up at me. I've always strived to be the "good kid" and now that I'm ready to go on my own everyone is treating me like I'm just trying to be rebellious.

I'm 23. At this point in my life I'm not trying to rebel, I'm just trying to do my own thing. -heavy sigh- Any advice?

Post #: 1

RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/19/2015 8:56:28 PM

Kittenluv954

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eh the world is horrible. and given the rates employers are paying in comparison to the cost of living? unless you have a REALLY good job, you probably won't make it out there. I'm actually surprised your parents don't just humor you, and let you go lol, you'll be back within the year. but you're 23 and have to figure it out on your own, that's what normal people do (including your parents who forget they were there once themselves). do what you have to do, you're an adult.

< Message edited by Kittenluv954 -- 1/19/2015 8:57:38 PM >

(in reply to AllTheThings)

Post #: 2

RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/19/2015 9:09:15 PM

GoddessManko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kittenluv954

eh the world is horrible. and given the rates employers are paying in comparison to the cost of living? unless you have a REALLY good job, you probably won't make it out there. I'm actually surprised your parents don't just humor you, and let you go lol, you'll be back within the year. but you're 23 and have to figure it out on your own, that's what normal people do (including your parents who forget they were there once themselves). do what you have to do, you're an adult.

This, chances are you'll be living with roommates. It might be good or bad,really depends on the person. If you wanna go, check out couchsurfers at least to see what it's like on your own and to get the hang of being around new places and faces and being comfortable. I traveled the country at your age. Travel was my thing for a long time and I never felt unsafe because I always had backup plans, I was good at improvisation and resourceful. There are a lot of those bad guys out there but if you're smart about it, you'll never deal with them. You're your own person, letting go is hard for a parent. I'm not gonna judge but rather than being convinced they can shelter you from every ill out there. Offering tools and tips for survival and helping you through this transition would be so much better for everyone if it truly is what you desire. I do not regret the chances I've taken, only the chances I didn't, if that helps put things in perspective at all. You have to live for you.

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 1/19/2015 9:11:01 PM >

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Post #: 3

RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/19/2015 9:12:26 PM

Gauge

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AllTheThings

Without getting too in detail, how do you deal with guilt from family after you tell them you're more than ready to leave the nest and they tell you "All you want to do is leave and never come back! You don't love us anymore! The world is horrible and you can't make it out there by yourself!!"

How, just how do you deal with it? Because I've been dealing with this for far too long and the guilt eats up at me. I've always strived to be the "good kid" and now that I'm ready to go on my own everyone is treating me like I'm just trying to be rebellious.

I'm 23. At this point in my life I'm not trying to rebel, I'm just trying to do my own thing. -heavy sigh- Any advice?

You are 23, when exactly did they expect you to grow up and leave home, when you were 40?

The guilt you feel is placed there by your folks, and it is selfish guilt at that. It is not encouraging you to make your own way, it is tying you to them in unhealthy ways. They are making this about them and not about you.

You respond by telling them that you want to stand on your own two feet, that you love them but you have to prove to yourself that you can be on your own. Tell them that you know that their door will always be open if you ever need it. Explain that you need to do this, and if not now, when? When would the circumstances be better?

If your folks want to keep you tied there forever, that is not going to do you any good because one day they won't be there and then what will happen? No, time for you to go do this for yourself, if for nothing else but to show them that their guilt will not work.

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RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/19/2015 10:44:45 PM

DarkSteven

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You're too damn nice to them. I moved out at 20 and my parents were more than happy about it.

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Post #: 5

RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/20/2015 2:14:38 AM

NookieNotes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AllTheThings

Without getting too in detail, how do you deal with guilt from family after you tell them you're more than ready to leave the nest and they tell you "All you want to do is leave and never come back! You don't love us anymore! The world is horrible and you can't make it out there by yourself!!"

How, just how do you deal with it? Because I've been dealing with this for far too long and the guilt eats up at me. I've always strived to be the "good kid" and now that I'm ready to go on my own everyone is treating me like I'm just trying to be rebellious.

I'm 23. At this point in my life I'm not trying to rebel, I'm just trying to do my own thing. -heavy sigh- Any advice?

Is 23 early these days? I moved into my own apartment at 17 (after traveling alone for fun and work for the entire summer at 16), and have had my own job, then business, since then.

Seems like 23 is really late. I thought 18 was the age most people got out.

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Post #: 6

RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/20/2015 3:12:19 AM

LiveSpark

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I agree with Gauge and Nookie. I moved out at 26 but only so I could finish school. You are more than old enough to stand on your own feet. Their guilt is a selfish one you should softly but firmly tell them that you are an adult - which you are - and ready to start your own life. Tell them you aren't abandoning them and that you promise to visit and keep in touch but that you are going.

You are more than capable of making it and I see no reason you can't. In any case as Gauge says if not now when? When you're 40? 50?

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Post #: 7

RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/20/2015 5:04:23 AM

needlesandpins

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I was 18 when I left home. I did house share, but it was still better than being at home, and I saw it as being a stepping stone. I did move back very briefly for a couple of months as I left one house that I rented whilst I was in the process of buying my first flat. after that I moved in with my ex, and never looked back. my mum took great pleasure in telling me that I wouldn't survive without her, but I was working full time, and I proved her wrong. she also took great pleasure in telling me that I wouldn't make it as a full time free lance artist, and I took full pleasure in proving her wrong again.

guilt trips are expensive, I suggest you slash the tyres on that bus right now. if you want it badly enough you go out there, and you make it work. you also go home on a regular basis to start with if they need you to. It's hard work, but it's worth it.

needles

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Post #: 8

RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/20/2015 5:23:16 AM

ExiledTyrant

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Are you financially stable enough to leave home?

Are you emotionally stable enough to leave home?

Is your support system stable enough for you to leave home?

Are you socially savvy enough to leave home (wise enough not put yourself in danger)?

If you said yes to all the above, leave home.

That said, it is time for you to have a sit down with your family and discuss with them that it is time for them to transition into a supportive safety net and not undermining your confidence in your personal growth. It's probably safe to assume that you are either the youngest or only child, and if that is the case I can understand their angst... not accept it or allow it to excuse anything, but understand it.

The world becomes more dangerous by the day and when you look at it from the perspective of someone that grew up in it when it wasn't nearly as dangerous, they had the tools to survive it back then, but not now. They may be looking at their own absence of survival tools in the "now" and fear for you or they are just too selfish to let you have your life.

Jus sayin

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Post #: 9

RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/20/2015 6:07:10 AM

satanscharmer

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How do you deal with guilt? That's a good question. I don't really have an answer other than constantly reassuring yourself that your choices are just that - your choices. The best way to learn is to actually do it. Failure isn't a bad thing, it is a part of learning. Not that failure is inevitable, just a possibility among other possibilities.

The world is a scary place, whether you're living with your parents or on your own. If you're ready, then you're ready.

I moved out on my own at 18. It wasn't that long ago. No roommates, no help. I wanted to do it on my own, so I set out to do it. It wasn't my parents that were trying to place doubts in my mind, it was friends. Telling me there's no way I could make it, not on how much I made, they tried and failed so will I, and so on. I was ready mentally and financially. And I proved those friends wrong.

My parents were more understanding of my desire to be independent and on my own. It wasn't much of a shock to them, I've always been like that. They were extremely supportive and reassuring. They insisted I come to them should I need help and that the door is always open if I need to come back. I could see the concern in their eyes, but they tried their best to hide it.
I never needed their help, but it was great to know it was there.

I'm sure you've had an adult talk with them and tried to reassure them. If you haven't already, maybe throw in there that this is something you really need/want and ask that, if you cannot make it work, they'll be there for you and you'll be able to go back. Maybe asking that will make them feel a little better and help them realize you do still love them and there will still be times you may need them. Maybe.
Also, check in with them. Tell them you'll stop in (and actually do it).
Many (I'd like to say all, but I'm not entirely sure) parents worry about their children no matter the age.

(in reply to AllTheThings)

Post #: 10

RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/20/2015 6:25:52 AM

servantforuse

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To many young people are staying at home way longer that they should. Your parents should be supportive of your choice to move and at the same time let you know that they are there if you ever need them.

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Post #: 11

RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/20/2015 7:15:11 AM

cloudboy

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Is there a 3rd party family member or another person who could mediate the conflict. At some point the nest will be empty; this is unavoidable for your parents.

Kahil Gibran has wisdom on the subject:

http://www.katsandogz.com/onchildren.html

(in reply to AllTheThings)

Post #: 12

RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/20/2015 11:42:54 AM

Musicmystery

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Here's how not to do it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lG3nXyI41M

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Post #: 13

RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/20/2015 4:52:07 PM

kallisto

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I was 18 when I moved out (that was 30 years ago) and I never looked back. My kids all started moving out when they were between 19-20. I actually told them they could stay as long as they were in college. I thought it would help keep them in school, but lo and behold, they moved out on their own and stayed in school at the same time (while working full time as well). They knew I was here if they needed me.

I think guilt is a lot like being taken advantage of ... you can allow someone to make you feel guilty just as you can allow yourself to be taken advantage of. If you are ready to stand on your own two feet, then you tell your parents that and you move on and you succeed. And you don't feel guilty about that. You have to make your own way in this life ... no one can do it for you.

(in reply to Musicmystery)

Post #: 14

RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/20/2015 7:27:49 PM

DesFIP

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Tell them you'll be by come the weekend to do your laundry. Or have them do it for you. My son moved into an apartment with a friend all of a mile away and he came by that first year to raid the fridge and use the washer all the time.

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RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/20/2015 7:29:47 PM

LiveSpark

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Tell them you'll be by come the weekend to do your laundry. Or have them do it for you. My son moved into an apartment with a friend all of a mile away and he came by that first year to raid the fridge and use the washer all the time.

Or she could stand on her own feet.

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RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/20/2015 7:32:56 PM

DesFIP

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I was kidding, but my point was not to make it that she never wants to see them again. But that she will want to stay closely in contact. So they don't feel so lost without her.

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RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/20/2015 8:01:29 PM

DerangedUnit

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It's great to have family that is there for you if you need it. Try to include them in the process and stay nearby at first so they don't feel stranded... I've been on my own since 12-14(the earlier part of that still sneaking in for showers periodically) and even before that my parents made me pay rent, it isn't easy but it depends on the place you are at. If it's what you need to do you'll find a way. Cost of living depends on what area you are in.... if you are in cali like me, 1 full time and 2 part time Jobs all above minimum wage wasn't enough to rent a place unless you are willing to lie on applications... so be prepared for that. Having your family sign for you,if they are willing to would make it a lot easier to find a place and they still get to feel responsible. If you live in a place with cheaper and less strict rent policies it would be a lot easier. I'm sure if you are planning you've done your research and have the financial side planned out. Your parents will understand and probably start liking the extra space once they get used to it.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 18

RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/20/2015 9:05:07 PM

sexyred1

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Just tell them you love them and appreciate their concern, but you are ready to live away from them.

Tell them you will always be close, if that is the case.

Hell, when I went away to college out of state, I called home too much!

No matter what your age, most good parents will support your decisions yet you will always be their little girl.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 1/20/2015 9:07:25 PM >

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Post #: 19

RE: The "I love you, but I need to go" thread - 1/21/2015 3:42:38 AM

ExiledTyrant

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Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

It's great to have family that is there for you if you need it. Try to include them in the process and stay nearby at first so they don't feel stranded... I've been on my own since 12-14(the earlier part of that still sneaking in for showers periodically) and even before that my parents made me pay rent, it isn't easy but it depends on the place you are at. If it's what you need to do you'll find a way. Cost of living depends on what area you are in.... if you are in cali like me, 1 full time and 2 part time Jobs all above minimum wage wasn't enough to rent a place unless you are willing to lie on applications... so be prepared for that. Having your family sign for you,if they are willing to would make it a lot easier to find a place and they still get to feel responsible. If you live in a place with cheaper and less strict rent policies it would be a lot easier. I'm sure if you are planning you've done your research and have the financial side planned out. Your parents will understand and probably start liking the extra space once they get used to it.

Because at 6 you were doing so well flipping burgers, right?

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To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to DerangedUnit)

Post #: 20

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