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RemoteUser -> RE: Good vs bad sub (2/6/2015 10:16:48 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
quote:
ORIGINAL: RemoteUser
A bad singer can still be a good writer.
We focus too much on labels, and not enough on who we are.
Some people might not be suited for kinky sex. I've surely seen it. Who's going to write the book on what's acceptable, though? Not me, and not you.
Or if you want it more succinct and less direct: No one who is commited to a thing will turn from it until they are ready to. Not by any word or action, however honest or profound. So will you force, or guide? The decision says nothing about your results, and everything about you.
Give that a taste. Try not to spit it out.
That makes no sense, there are people who are good or bad at something, especially when there is a refusal to see themselves, have empathy for others or right emotional responses. There was a guy on a thread the other day who would qualify as a bad Dom, there are emotionally needy/unstable people who would be bad subs. They are out there. If someone would burn down your house, the sub label doesn't get them off.
It makes every kind of sense. You're seeing this from only one dimension. There are labels you put on others, and labels people put on themselves.
Start by removing the moral angle, take all the subjective terms like 'good' and 'bad' out. What have you got left? People. And yes, as I stated earlier, in agreement with you, there are some people who are not suited to the lifestyle.
Now start to add the elements back in. You saw someone you would label as a bad Dom. And what does he label himself? Whether you like it or not, he may think "I r the bestest Dominate thur ever waz!!!1!"
So here's two totally different labels, from different sources. How do you reconcile them?
Not through force, that's for sure. Try forcing someone against a hard limit, see how far that gets you, and you'll get a clearer idea of what you're really dealing with.
Through influence? Discussion? Meeting someone eye to eye? That's not guaranteed, I'm the first to admit it; but it's more likely to work than force. That's why I prefer to negotiate instead of telling people, do it my way or hit the highway and fuck off. And how do you do that? Strip away the kink and deal with the person. Why does he think his actions are "all Dominate!!"? Why does he call this action dominant? How did he get from Point A to Point B?
If his thinking is clearly skewed, sensible and direct approach at the root of the issue in stages will expose the problem for what it is. And if he's too dense or commited to understand it, you could call him out on it, but will it stop his actions or prevent him from doing something stupid? Let's be honest, probably not.
But putting that label, 'Dom', back to the side for a moment...does it mean he serves no role in the community? Let's say for sake of argument he's not skilled at being a Dom, switch, sub, top, bottom, or any other jargon we care to slap at him. If he's really that bad, he's still an example, isn't he?
I can call you a fluffy unicorn, don't make it so. I can judge your skills through my rose coloured glasses. Is my opinion right? Not necessarily. There are more things to consider than what we think we see from a small, grainy snapshot of reality. And how we approach that, to discover, to learn, yes that most absolutely reflects on who we are as people. Don't kid yourself on that one.
That's why I say the focus is too much on labels. We see, we consider, we judge, we put a term on it, we move along. And sure, there are many, many things in life where that is a sensible and appropriate approach to dealing with things - even people, as we relate to them. But to impose your viewpoint on what another person is as a whole, outside of factual, measurable data, and wade into the murk of subjective moral terms? If you're comfortable doing that, be my guest, but don't think that it makes your results true, weal, or exact. We're all too imperfect for that bullshit.
One last thought. Saying a person is bad for lack of skills measures how well you think they will succeed in one particular venue, and in relation to you, that's totally valid. But ask yourself if you walked into the scene with every skill you needed at your disposal. Ask yourself how a person can grow without faults. Let me know what you get from that. I'm curious to hear your thoughts on it.
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