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bottom topping - 2/6/2015 10:43:34 AM   
veghead


Posts: 6
Joined: 2/6/2015
Status: offline 		I think this is what is happening to me. We meet in a hotel and she says I own her within those walls. I spank her first each time over my knee (hard, but not long) and make her kneel before me and suck. Then I make her present her butt to me, lube it and plug it. But then I just make her come and come and come, usually 4-6 times in a couple of hours. I only come once or twice. Am I really letting her top me? Should I withhold her orgasms? Last time I did notice she came when I commanded her to. Extremely hard. So I want to be a great dom and wonder how to handle this. Would asking her make it worse? Other than that its great except I hear some of her natural dominance come out occassionally in her words. Should I correct that?
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RE: bottom topping - 2/6/2015 10:45:43 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: veghead

I think this is what is happening to me. We meet in a hotel and she says I own her within those walls. I spank her first each time over my knee (hard, but not long) and make her kneel before me and suck. Then I make her present her butt to me, lube it and plug it. But then I just make her come and come and come, usually 4-6 times in a couple of hours. I only come once or twice. Am I really letting her top me? Should I withhold her orgasms? Last time I did notice she came when I commanded her to. Extremely hard. So I want to be a great dom and wonder how to handle this. Would asking her make it worse? Other than that its great except I hear some of her natural dominance come out occassionally in her words. Should I correct that?


If you want to be a great Top, we have great Tops here that can help you. If you want to be a great Dom, the guys that can help you are down in my sig line.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to veghead)
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RE: bottom topping - 2/6/2015 10:46:36 AM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline 		I have no idea what you mean, please elaborate. Is she making excuses for lack of performance, being mean/spiteful unnecessarily? Or merely voicing concerns? Also is she compelling you to acct by being bratty/childish? It depends on context.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to veghead)
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RE: bottom topping - 2/6/2015 10:57:42 AM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline 		More info about what she's doing/saying would help us understand what you're talking about..

_____________________________

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RE: bottom topping - 2/6/2015 12:44:35 PM   
veghead


Posts: 6
Joined: 2/6/2015
Status: offline 		Well, she says she comes so much as a submissive thing bc i want her to. Kinda true I guess. She squirts all over and has strong convulsions and i enjoy making her do that. But she also really got off on what i just found out is called "queening", riding my face for a good long time and making her come like that is confusing. I'll do more research on bottom/top and dominant/sub as maybe I'm confused.

Having a great time though. And she keeps coming back. I just wonder if I'm setting bad precedents. She does talk brattily and sometimes even bossy when we are in the room, e.g., go shower before I suck you off again at the end of a 3 hour session. I can't believe I let her get away with that one. but she does what i say. totally new to this, sorry for the fng questions and lack of clarity. she claims no experience with all this, but seems to know a lot and asked me to dominate her. i haven't taken her ass yet. that will change next week. i've been stretching it out with glass plugs over the past few weeks.

I guess it just doesn't feel completely dominant to me.

(in reply to InHisHeart)
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RE: bottom topping - 2/6/2015 12:48:05 PM   
wannapleez


Posts: 358
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: veghead
Would asking her make it worse?


OMG! Whatever you do, don't ever discuss a relationship with the other person! J/K, of course. If the relationship is so fragile that it can't withstand a bit of discussion -- especially since the driving force is your desire to be better and enhance the relationship -- it's not long for this world, anyway.

But here's the thing, IMHO. Your overall question doesn't have an answer. Bottoming/topping or D/s is not merely about "he does this, she does that".

For instance, take the fact that she cums more than you. Do you like it when she cums? If so, then there's nothing that says that she's topping when she cums. Yes, it is more traditional for the Top/Dom to withhold/delay/deny the bottom/sub's orgasm, but there's no hard and fast rule.

Is she happy? Are you happy? If yes to both, then fuck our opinions. :)

(in reply to veghead)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: bottom topping - 2/6/2015 1:00:16 PM   
wannapleez


Posts: 358
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline 		Your response (immediately preceding mine) came up while I was writing mine. So here's an update.

Does she like queening for its traditional meaning/usage (female dominance of the man)? Or does she like it just because it is a position that feels good when you are forcing her to orgasm? If it's the latter, then it's nothing more than a position.

Similarly, is your discomfort with queening your own discomfort, or is it based on how others have defined top/bottom/D/S? If the former, then yeah, you need to talk it out with her. If the former, please see my earlier comment about fucking our opinions.

The brattiness may simply be her way of spurring you to more. The one relationship where I crossed over into Dom-land, my sub was bratty sometimes. (She was a natural smartass, so it mostly just meant that she wouldn't suppress that she ordinarily would as a sub.) She was doing it to solicit a response from me -- and the shade of her ass showed that it was generally successful. If the sub does this all the time, then yes, the Dom is being played, and it's time for a discussion. But if it's occasional, it may just be her way of having a temporary non-verbal discussion, and she is "telling" you exactly what you wanted to know in the first place -- how to be even better at this.

(in reply to wannapleez)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: bottom topping - 2/6/2015 2:20:31 PM   
veghead


Posts: 6
Joined: 2/6/2015
Status: offline 		thanks for the replies. the talking about it thing seems decidedly not-dominant during sex and maybe even after in this context. we do talk. says she has "no limits" which i seriously doubt. she says she wants dominance. not questions -- i should know this shit. anyways, that's why i came here i guess.

the queening. i don't know what she was thinking when she was up there. i know she came and i enjoyed it. i guess i am letting labels about these things come into a perfectly normal (ha ha) relationship. the dominance in our relationship is a mental thing, regardless of the position. and the occasional brattiness is, like you say, probably subconsciously or consciously wanting some firm attention. can do.

finally, her orgasms seem to get stronger the more she has (which kind of drives me to give her more, i suppose). when we are done done, she says it hurts to be rubbed in any way and just wants to be held very gently for 5 minutes or so. of course i do this. i'm guessing that's a normal response to coming out of sub-space?

(in reply to wannapleez)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: bottom topping - 2/6/2015 2:24:00 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: veghead

Well, she says she comes so much as a submissive thing bc i want her to. Kinda true I guess. She squirts all over and has strong convulsions and i enjoy making her do that. But she also really got off on what i just found out is called "queening", riding my face for a good long time and making her come like that is confusing. I'll do more research on bottom/top and dominant/sub as maybe I'm confused.

Having a great time though. And she keeps coming back. I just wonder if I'm setting bad precedents. She does talk brattily and sometimes even bossy when we are in the room, e.g., go shower before I suck you off again at the end of a 3 hour session. I can't believe I let her get away with that one. but she does what i say. totally new to this, sorry for the fng questions and lack of clarity. she claims no experience with all this, but seems to know a lot and asked me to dominate her. i haven't taken her ass yet. that will change next week. i've been stretching it out with glass plugs over the past few weeks.

I guess it just doesn't feel completely dominant to me.


Firstly there are no rules. Secondly you might be mislabeling yourself. You may enjoy giving orgasms but you sound like a switch moreso than a sub. I would never have my sub barking orders at me but that's just me. But you should know after a messy 3 hour session, you might wanna get a bit clean if she is squirting everywhere and etc. etc. This all sounds more like kink play, especially since you seem to be more about her pleasure than your own. If you're not feeling "right" about the direction things are going, change it up. She barks an order at you, slap her face and pull it in for a smooch. Take control. That's what it's about.
But like I said, it all depends on what feels right to you. Sadism is natural for me, I prefer to be pleased than to please as well. It is part of my nature and not changing for anyone unless this person gets very far under my skin/my empathic maternal side emerges. Fuck that shit. I Dom MY way.
ETA; her wanting to be held is a bit of aftercare. Some subs require it more than others.

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 2/6/2015 2:25:51 PM >

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to veghead)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: bottom topping - 2/6/2015 3:07:50 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: veghead

thanks for the replies. the talking about it thing seems decidedly not-dominant during sex and maybe even after in this context. we do talk. says she has "no limits" which i seriously doubt. she says she wants dominance. not questions -- i should know this shit. anyways, that's why i came here i guess.

the queening. i don't know what she was thinking when she was up there. i know she came and i enjoyed it. i guess i am letting labels about these things come into a perfectly normal (ha ha) relationship. the dominance in our relationship is a mental thing, regardless of the position. and the occasional brattiness is, like you say, probably subconsciously or consciously wanting some firm attention. can do.

finally, her orgasms seem to get stronger the more she has (which kind of drives me to give her more, i suppose). when we are done done, she says it hurts to be rubbed in any way and just wants to be held very gently for 5 minutes or so. of course i do this. i'm guessing that's a normal response to coming out of sub-space?


Why do you care about labels when it sounds like you are both enjoying yourselves? You may enjoy topping and she is having tons of orgasms, I see no problem.

As far as aftercare, some subs like being held after, some don't. She needs that, do it and stop worrying about him Domly this all is. It's supposed to feel good, not be analyzed to death.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 2/6/2015 3:08:55 PM >

(in reply to veghead)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: bottom topping - 2/6/2015 3:35:56 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Do you enjoy making her orgasm non stop? Well, that's a kink referred to as forced orgasm.
If that's what you do like, then why stop your enjoyment because some online dom said you have to practice denial instead.

If you do what someone else says to do, instead of what you want to do, then the person in charge isn't you, but the one telling you what to do.

Do you want to branch out to hitting with a flogger? Or a paddle? Do you want to tie her up?

As far as the position you take during sex, it doesn't matter. If you like to just lie there, while she has to ride your mouth, and you tell her to do this, then you're in charge.

As far as the shower goes, people are allowed limits. It seems one of hers is giving oral sex to guys who are sweaty and smelly. So tell her to wash you in the shower if you enjoy that.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: bottom topping - 2/6/2015 5:01:14 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline 		Good advice DesFIP. Yea, whatever feels right, go with it. I don't know if you're asking because you didn't feel right during the situation but you should be the one in control of it, not her and not us, period.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: bottom topping - 2/6/2015 7:47:20 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline 		Dominance isn't just issuing orders. It's also getting what you want.

That secondary comment can get abstract depending on who you're talking to, and it can get muddled if you make the conversation about topping versus dominating. Before you ask which "group" you belong to, take the advice presented previously and ask yourself something simpler. Do I enjoy this? Is it what I want? If the answer is yes, then you're not doing anything wrong to or for yourself.

"Allowing" sass isn't non-Dominant, any more than giving your partner pleasure because you want to is. It's all just tailored to personal preference. If you need a label, it really defeats the purpose of the simplest joys: doing, and being.

Enjoy your partner, and all that they offer.

(Anyone who says otherwise, from either side of the kneel, needs to step back and get in touch with themselves.)


_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.


(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 13
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