Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble.


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/6/2015 6:36:21 PM   
LunaBlu3


Posts: 24
Joined: 5/6/2014
Status: offline 		This is more of me writing these thoughts down than having questions but of course all comments are appreciated.

I discovered bdsm at a relatively early age, and although i didn't really understand my desires at the time - I didn't even know they were desires, they created an early passion for this lifestyle. When I began to explore my sexuality things suddenly clicked into place for me. I realised my desires to be submissive had been there for a long long time. My partner and I threw ourselves into the lifestyle and quickly became part of a local kink scene. We were the youngest at the majority of events and the only lesbian couple. I won't lie, we relished in the environment, found common ground with mostly everyone we met and had never felt more at home.

There's comes a point when you've moved so quickly onto something so drastic when you ask yourself 'was I ready?'
Going into a public event as the submissive to a dominant means you will get spoken to in a certain way. . treated in a certain way. I was never made to feel undervalued, the simple fact of the matter is that I wasn't ready to be second best to my girlfriend. She is an incredible dominant beautiful woman and I do worship her, but privacy is very different to being in public and I wasn't ready. I was used to a relationship for a long time that was equal. We are team, we feel like a power couple when we are together. We are building a business together. To flip that on its head and be in a situation where nobody knew any of that, and i kind of felt like a ghost. .. It dented my self confidence. I felt stupid for not expecting it, I felt like I was a fraudster for not enjoying it. Did it make me less submissive. No. I don't think it does. I think the simple fact is that my partner and I hadn't built a strong enough D/s connection in the comfort of our own homes. We expected the love and trust from our vanilla relationship to carry us and it doesn't always work out like that. I admit I was put off for a while, but we have spent a lot of time developing the way we work together and I feel a thousand times more confident. It's not all about roles, and names and playing up to the crowd. I think we showed our age there. The beauty of this lifestyle is that it welcomes all with open arms. We can be ourselves completely, and it's not for anyone to judge us. The more comfortable I become with that the more I look forward to seeing my friends again and working past my insecurities.

I've kind of gone of my original topic. Alongside all of these emotions related to the bdsm side of my life I was working through a lot of emotional issues. I had recently lost someone close to me and I'd been in complete denial. I found a way to ignore my demons by indulging in my fantasies but slowly it really began to have an impact. I found that my tolerance for pain went right down. I couldn't relate to anything, I couldn't find any motivation and I felt that the more I felt like inside I needed to reach out and wanted someone there for me the more jealous I became of the attention my partner was getting. It sounds lame but it's true. I didn't want to be a part of the scene, I didn't want to play because I knew I couldn't handle it and the thought of an audience suddenly felt like a situation I could no longer handle. It led me to question the effect emotions can have on a kink relationship. I never accounted for a little bit of stress when I was questioning my sincerity to be a submissive. It's ok to need some time out. It's ok to feel pressure. I'm lucky my partner is supportive and agreed that we needed to go back to basics and really find ourselves.

So that it, I'm just thinking about why I've been feeling so insecure at the moment and that's my conclusion I guess, the next step is to see if this time to think and rework things will enable me to enjoy myself next time I venture out to an event.

Luna x
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/6/2015 6:50:24 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline 		Wow OP, this is hard to answer. To be honest, no one can understand your dynamic better than the two of you. It is easy for me to say "not care" but I do not know if maybe a part of you would love to be acknowledged. I'll only give it to you from my perspective which is the opposite. I got into kink when I was 17 and a virgin as a Domme. It was secretive and taboo and so far outside of my sheltered life I always had for me, without audience. I got introduced to the online kink groups on yahoo at 16 but there is safeness in being remote and people not really knowing and judging you. I liked that, I got to do things my way without anyone else's input. I had a 10 year collared 24/7 tpe relationship with my sub, and in essence he was my slave. He lived for me and my happiness and I had the freedom to come and go and do as I desired. It wasn't until I got an account first on fetlife then collarspace I got introduced to the offliners. Meaning people who gather and meet at munches, events, seminars and many of them currently or used to make a living doing this. I would be a piss poor ProDomme, I cum tantricly while domming. When I got introduced to these sites, not only was I somewhat of an outlier but also treated like a newbie who "didn't know what she was doing". Firstly because of my age, secondly because of my login date, thirdly because I had never been on the "scene". That is not great but it doesn't diminish things for me as a Domme and my personal experience. To be collared so young and still hold collar means something. Same as being young and having collared my sub and our longevity and happiness. All that matters is this dynamic you share, not people's perception of it. Maybe it means you just need a timeout and to withdraw from the limelight. If that is the case, do so. And speak to your gf about it. There is pressure in feeling compelled to perform or "matter" in the eyes of the audience. But that just means right now, the audience is too intrinsic in your lives and they are unknowingly blaring out what truly matters which is what you mean to each other. I always say that a relationship falls apart one of two ways, internal or external factors. Right now the external is now an issue and that means it's time for a change of pace in such regard if it is affecting you. Best of luck to you both! *hug*

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 2/6/2015 6:55:40 PM >

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to LunaBlu3)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/6/2015 7:01:50 PM   
LunaBlu3


Posts: 24
Joined: 5/6/2014
Status: offline 		Awesome comment, thank you. I kind of read them with one eye open these days! You're right, it can work both ways and I did fail to mention that my partner felt the same as you did initially, but she has an awful lot of Confidence - even if sometimes it's forced, and it carries her. I think as a newbie the way you are perceived perhaps matters more at first, particularly to people who don't have a huge amount of confidence, and thats something i felt that is very quickly fading because as you say - ultimately the only people that will carry our dynamic is us, and the only people who need to enjoy the relationship is us. Take care and kindest regards for your advice x

(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/6/2015 7:30:35 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline 		Your emotions are all old friends. They might visit from new places, but they're all at home with you.

Let them in. Let them sprawl on the couch and tell you tall tales. Listen to what they have to say. Embrace them, for better or worse, and they will teach you.

There is nothing wrong with hesitation, or love, or fear, or longing. But remember: these are old veterans who know your soul, have been with you through every battle, and when they speak, their words come from somewhere deeper. They are not a river, to catch you up in their swell and carry you to far, strange shores. They ride in the same boat as you. They might raise the mast or guide the rudder at times, but they are only companions on your journey.

The actual journey is yours. May it be safe, and strange, and beautiful.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.


(in reply to LunaBlu3)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/7/2015 12:25:30 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LunaBlu3

So that it, I'm just thinking about why I've been feeling so insecure at the moment and that's my conclusion I guess, the next step is to see if this time to think and rework things will enable me to enjoy myself next time I venture out to an event.



This!

All of the feelings you've expressed are natural and normal, and you found the answer yourself, so I reckon you'll do just fine!

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to LunaBlu3)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/7/2015 3:21:04 AM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
Status: offline 		I've learnt that it doesn't matter how old you get, or how well you think you know yourself, your feelings can still catch you out and surprise you.

with my ex playmate I was exclusive to him, but he wasn't to me. I found that this put me in a very strange position regarding feelings. He'd make comments about how much attention I'd get wherever we went, and to start with that attention seemed to annoy him. I pointed out though that he was with me, that he was my choice, none of the other guys stood a chance, I didn't care about, nor seek their attention, and so may be he ought to feel a little proud of me instead (it feels vain, and presumptuous to say that to someone, but he was choosing to see me after all), and feel good that he was the one with me. his reply to that was that he had no right to feel like that because we weren't a real couple, and I wasn't really his.

So, on the flip side of that there were my feelings when I'd see other women flirt with, paying attention to him. In the past I have never felt jealousy at all. I have never been an insecure person with a guy I have been seeing either. I have always been able to just accept that they have been mine, and I was their choice, just as they were mine. in this instance though I found that I was extremely insecure. he wasn't mine in any way, shape, or form. those women stood just as much chance as I did of being with him. when I was with my ex partner it didn't bother me at all, but as a single woman it made me feel insecure about myself.

lesson learnt. I'm just not willing to put myself in that position again.

needles

_____________________________

I deserved better. Not than you, but from you.

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/7/2015 4:06:52 AM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LunaBlu3
Going into a public event as the submissive to a dominant means you will get spoken to in a certain way. . treated in a certain way.

[...]

I wasn't ready to be second best to my girlfriend.

[...]

We are team, we feel like a power couple when we are together. We are building a business together. To flip that on its head and be in a situation where nobody knew any of that, and i kind of felt like a ghost.


This bothered me. Why were you spoken to in a certain way? Why were you treated in a certain way? Why were you second best? Why did no-one know that you were a powerful, capable entrepreneur?

I am a submissive but nobody is going to treat me differently to a Dom, a switch, a top or anyone else on the scene. I am not their submissive; if they cannot or will not treat me with equal respect, equal acknowledgement, equal courtesy then they are not somebody that I ever want to know in any sense. I have no doubt that my Dom would have no interest in them either - he is the first person to sing my praises and tell everyone what I am capable of and he would see it as incredibly rude for someone to talk down to me.

Sometimes, when we are new, we are too quick to accept the actions of others on the scene, when we should be kicking back and challenging them. I don't think that you were too new or too young or too emotional or that you reacted the wrong way, I just think that you internalised the hurt, rather than pointing out the external cause and dealing with it.

(in reply to LunaBlu3)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/7/2015 5:03:15 AM   
NookieNotes


Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline 		The times when I feel the most off-balance are almost always when there is an unresolved issue that is not being addressed.

When my mother passed, I did not take time to really grieve. That led me to many illogical decisions. My Pet and I recently had a sensitive topic that we did not discuss for several weeks. I got upset and unbalanced and sensitive to things that I should not have been sensitive to, and I knew it, but did not know why.

Once I figured out the root cause, we discussed it, and all the detritus cleared up.

For me, it's always not being 100% honest with myself and others that causes my emotions to take control. Luckily, I learned that lesson when I was young, and can usually stop it before it starts.

But again, this is just my experience. others I know have said that they can disregard things in their lives for years and not feel a thing...

But, when I'm off-balance, I am still in charge, but the joy I get from it is lessened. I am not as overtly dominant, and when I do give orders, I'm not as spot-on with my training, either.

< Message edited by NookieNotes -- 2/7/2015 5:04:18 AM >

_____________________________

Nookie
--
https://datingkinky.com

I Write! A few of my books on Amazon: http://amazon.com/author/msnnotes

(in reply to LunaBlu3)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/7/2015 5:07:34 AM   
LunaBlu3


Posts: 24
Joined: 5/6/2014
Status: offline 		Don't get me wrong, I am protected and defended and praised by my partner I guess I get overly paranoid when it comes to others which is stupid. I just felt jealousy for the first time around her and I really didn't expect it.
I don't know how to phrase this so I hope it makes sense -

At events, even on here there seems to be this thing about dommes breaking other dommes down? I'm quite feisty, I do know how to stand up for myself but I don't like to be disrespectful. I thought this attitude would make me stand out. There are not many female subs where I live, few under 25 and no other lesbians. I never expected attention but I did expect that these factors would perhaps mean people wanted to speak with me and get to know me. I found instead I quickly got labelled a brat. My partner is propositioned by dominant women frequently and whenever I bring it up she tells me 'it's because they want to break me down. I'm a challenge.'

But. ... I'm a challenge too.
that logic made no sense to me, has any one else ever seen this kind of thing?

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/7/2015 7:42:36 AM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LunaBlu3
I found instead I quickly got labelled a brat. My partner is propositioned by dominant women frequently and whenever I bring it up she tells me 'it's because they want to break me down. I'm a challenge.'


I think, you are associating with toxic people. I have seen this happen before on the scene and I have seen how it has undermined happy relationships.

Giving the benefit of the doubt, they might simply be attracted and flirting - Dom/mes often call a submissive a brat when they are nurturing a desire to spank her and see her submit to them. When I first got onto the scene 14 years ago, Doms were always trying to find excuses to punish me, or develop ideologies where I somehow needed to be spanked. Weirdly, they meant well - they liked me, liked my spark, responded to it and wanted to play with me. It's just that their response was inappropriate and had the effect of making me doubt myself somehow. When they call you a brat, say 'In your dreams!' or laugh and say 'you wish I was your brat', because it is most likely true.

On the negative side, people often have opinions on the 'right' or 'wrong' way to do BDSM - these people are often ignorant, brainwashed, unhappy and judgemental. When they see two happy people who don't conform to the 'rules' they feel embittered and even angry, so they feel the need to bring the happy couple down. Haters gonna hate. The more they try to divide and conquer, the more you should hug, kiss, smile, show affection and declare your love for each other. This will soften those who mean well, convince those who are sceptical and, hopefully, assert your right to manage your own relationship to those who think their way is better.

Finally, as regards your partner being chatted up by Dommes, it is true that Dommes sometimes see other women as a challenge, but this is true of the subs they're not allowed to play with along with the Dommes they want to break down. It is most likely that they see her as a 'buy one get one free' and so work their charm on her rather than you, although I guarantee that if your Domme were to play with them, they would want you on the menu too. There are a couple of Dommes who I have had to make my escape from on several occasions. I think this has a lot to do with social expectations about women - we're not supposed to chase, to desire, to be predatory, so when a Domme breaks the mold, as it were, sometimes they go to the other extreme to show just how dominant they are, like the female equivalent of hypermasculinity. Once again, like the brat comments, weirdly, they mean well - they want to play, to engage with your Domme, it's a weird way of welcoming. If I were your Domme, I'd be amusing myself by turning the tables. They might not like it so much when your Domme is trying to break them down :-)

(in reply to LunaBlu3)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/7/2015 7:50:50 AM   
LunaBlu3


Posts: 24
Joined: 5/6/2014
Status: offline 		I never looked at it that way. That was a fascinating read!
I will honestly remember that, all of it, that's a great analogy and more than likely incredibly accurate. I don't think they're bad people, so therefore I think you're right. I hope your right - even if its not the case and i choose to see it that way im sure it will work wonders for my confidence all the same.
Thank you for the advice :)

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/7/2015 7:07:43 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The other thing is that maybe your local group isn't a good fit for you.

There used to be a dungeon here. All the subs wore the same type clothes, they all went around with their eyes lowered and didn't talk to anyone. They appeared to be in a 'who is the most subly' contest. I didn't fit in there. Neither did my partner.

On the other hand, the local rope group, which had several of the same people as the other group has a totally different feel to it. Everyone talks to each other. There's no one pressure to behave in any way.

As far as stress affecting your pain tolerance, I'm surprised that you didn't think your loss wouldn't permeate your whole life.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to LunaBlu3)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/8/2015 5:49:56 AM   
NookieNotes


Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LunaBlu3
she tells me 'it's because they want to break me down. I'm a challenge.'


I would be offended as a dominant if anyone wanted to break down a submissive of mine,a s if they have any right to think of or judge my sub lacking in any way. That is my job.

It does sound toxic to me. I just can't imagine it from one person, much less more than one.

*shakes head*

_____________________________

Nookie
--
https://datingkinky.com

I Write! A few of my books on Amazon: http://amazon.com/author/msnnotes

(in reply to LunaBlu3)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/8/2015 5:11:37 PM   
DerangedUnit


Posts: 660
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline 		That's part of the reason I don't get involved with the scene anymore. The munchies and play parties I've been to all have a weird vibe, I thought it might just be one group (I always went with a Dom friend or partner to one of their local groups) but it repeated it self at all of them... I walk in. The female organizer tries to insult me and after and little back and forth and getting people to laugh she'll back off (it's and ways been a female organizer) then I continue inward and am surrounded by sub girls wanting to hug or touch me, compliment me (last one said they should make a mold of me while lightly stroking my arm) while all the doms hang back and stare at me uncomfortably... i don't mind feeling like a zoo animal but it doesn't make for good conversations.

(in reply to NookieNotes)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/9/2015 3:20:16 AM   
NookieNotes


Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

That's part of the reason I don't get involved with the scene anymore. The munchies and play parties I've been to all have a weird vibe, I thought it might just be one group (I always went with a Dom friend or partner to one of their local groups) but it repeated it self at all of them... I walk in. The female organizer tries to insult me and after and little back and forth and getting people to laugh she'll back off (it's and ways been a female organizer) then I continue inward and am surrounded by sub girls wanting to hug or touch me, compliment me (last one said they should make a mold of me while lightly stroking my arm) while all the doms hang back and stare at me uncomfortably... i don't mind feeling like a zoo animal but it doesn't make for good conversations.


Wow. That's just weird. I have never watched behavior like that.

I do believe that any sort of group is only as good as it's leadership. I am very lucky to live in an area with amazing leadership.

*smiles*

_____________________________

Nookie
--
https://datingkinky.com

I Write! A few of my books on Amazon: http://amazon.com/author/msnnotes

(in reply to DerangedUnit)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/9/2015 3:41:08 AM   
DerangedUnit


Posts: 660
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline 		Yeah I've been to large scale events with no problems, pretty normal clubby vibe but no luck in the private events. At least I'm not the only one who thinks that's weird usually what what I find weird is normal and then I'm just confused haha

(in reply to NookieNotes)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. - 2/9/2015 11:49:11 AM   
Charles6682


Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline 		Emotions have a lot to do with my kink. I feel aftercare is just as important as before and during kink play.

_____________________________

Charley aka Sub Guy

http://www.Facebook.com/SubGuy

https://Twitter.com/SubGuy6682

(in reply to DerangedUnit)
Profile   Post #: 17
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> how do emotions impact on kink? my ramble. Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094