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LunaBlu3 -> a very weird situation (2/7/2015 6:46:25 AM)
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So this post links in a bit to the one I recently posted on general, and I had some good advice so I thought maybe it would be helpful to myself if I just wrote this stuff down and see what you folks have to say.
I really started to explore bdsm and who I was as a submissive last year. I'd recently lost my dad and in all honesty I wasn't in a good head space. Although kink has been something I have always been interested in, I think because of the timing I was really looking for someone to mentor me and nurture me. Those who I've spoken with or who read my last post will know I'm in a relationship (vanilla and kink) with an amazing woman. My partner is the same age as me, and we both began to explore 'the scene' at the same time. It wasn't that I wasn't satisfied, or that I needed someone else - but I did start speaking with another Dominant women. Older than myself. Like I said, I wanted a mentor ... someone to pull me out of the emotional whirlpool I was in and maybe that's not fair but it's what I needed.
I couldn't click with anyone on a level where I saw a connection - not here, not at events, not on the general Internet. My partner also began to experiment with who she was, we have a secure and genuine relationship so it was never an issue for her to domme other people or bring others into our play, in fact I loved watching her with others. I could admire her properly. Then only thing is, I found someone who I did connect with and things got a little bit messy.
I found her (I'm not using her name as she doesn't use this site and I respect her privacy) website,and from the minute I finished reading it I knew she was my kinda people. The kind of woman I like to admire. But was I hers? I'll just sum up, this woman is late thirties and seemed well spoken and very clever. She put emphasis on connection and trust, loved roleplay,her pictures covered her face but I just knew she was attractive. So I messaged her. I was compelled to in a way I can't explain. She messaged back the next day and was friendly. This really shocked me, I had never been spoken to before the way she did. Incredibly domineering but still so warm. We quickly spoke on webcam and she seemed to like me. She was pleased I was a genuine woman ... said she found me attractive.
Over the following months we had some conversations that lasted hours. She did charge me to talk but she's a professional woman and she didn't know me properly so I expected that. What did stand out Is that she would charge me for an hour when we had spoken for three or four. There was no sexual elements strictly, and not a great deal of D/S but I enjoyed her company, I enjoyed hearing about her life. My partner knew about her ... knew we spoke. She wasn't happy but I don't blame her. She was young brand new shiny domme and probably felt really intimidated by this older, more mature woman. I think it probably worried her, she knows how much I adore a mother figure . This sounds terrible but there's a lot more to it that would take me years to write, so please don't judge.
The thing is though, (I'll call her L) L had slaves, people who adore her. I wanted to be that don't get me wrong but I wasn't sure how well it would go down if she knew that I wanted her to nurture me and guide me and protect me from my own head. It's a lot of weight to put on somebody's shoulders and 1 year 3 months down the line she's still none the wiser. But does she need to know? Can't she be that role to me without knowing? So long as I still make her happy.
It gets complicated though. L is an online only domme and I knew this. I thought it might actually suit the situation better because I never had and still do not have any intention to have sexual relations with anyone other than my partner. However, we spoke more and more, sometimes about kink but mostly just about general life. She was witty, and had this way of making me feel like she shared a lot but really gave me very little information. I never saw her face properly either. She was there on cam and I could see she was a woman with an amazing figure and great hair and elegant hands but the lighting and camera angles were so clever she created so much shadow I could never see her face. I think we genuinely got on, despite being from different backgrounds and having very different lifestyles and interests. I knew she was more lenient with me than anyone else, her 12 limit on chatting was never stuck to when we were chatting and she allowed me to email her during the week. I felt like we had a special connection and that made me want to understand her even more. Then there was the icing on the cake - she wanted to meet me. She lives about six hours away from me but in a town me and my gf have always wanted to visit. There was a huge festival on so we went down for the weekend. It was agreed beforehand that me and L would try to meet at a certain venue. My gf was fine with it, I think she kind of wanted to meet her to suss her our a bit, you know? I was nervous but knowing she would be with her vanilla friends and couldn't be a Mistress took a huge weight off. We'd all be partying and I could just meet her like she was anyone else. I just wanted to see her, hear her voice, know who I'd even speaking to.
We never did meet. She emailed me saying something had gone on, offered to meet for coffee the following day but I had to catch a train back. I didn't know what to think. She had told me to call her by a different name which is understandable, I didn't assume her Mistress name was her real name. Only thing is, the name she told me to call her was different from the name I'd been sending payments too. I gave her my phone number in case we had no signal to email on the night we were supposed to meet but she never uses It, never has. I don't expect her to trust me when she doesn't know me I just get confused with the mixed signals.
Anyway I had my doubts after that. She was apologetic which touched me and explained everything the evening I got home. She has a partner too and he wasn'tcomfortable with her meeting me and my gf when she didn't know there was money exchanged between is. He felt it was deceitful. It was. That evening my gf found out there was money exchanged initially, and that didn't go down well. It made it seems like I was getting more from it than I actually was. In reality I did adore L, but In a completely different way to how I love and want a life with my partner. Everything is fine now I just should have explained everything properly to begin with. L showed me her face that night on cam, and turned her mic on for the first time. She was beautiful, well spoken. Calm but dominant just like her writing. I'd never trusted her more. ..
I found out she was a therapist, at a hospital and therfore why it was so important that she maintained her privacy. It made sense to me then why I was so hung up on her. .. but also complicated matters further. She's not going to want to bring her profession into her fun. It's not her job to fix me. She Is not responsible for me. I HAVE to let this go or I'm going to tell her things she doesn't want or need to hear and ill drive her away.
Things between us stayed the same, we talked a bit less as she was busy with work and so was I but we still spoke weekly. I did confide in her, i needed someone to talk to so much and I didn't think she'd mind if I vented and made it clear she had no obligation to reply. she did reply though, in the most beautifully soothing way. But still weeks with no contact. She messages me back less and we haven't spoken on cam In probably five months. I mean there are always reasons, she moved house then I moved house then it was Christmas. .. I just miss her. I try not to be to over bearing because it's off putting but know if I don't initiate contact then she won't. I want to know everything about her and when I ask she generally tells me but I don't want to annoy her. I never want to annoy her. Anyway it's been almost a year since we were going to meet and the festival is coming around again. We're going. I wonder what will happen. We exchanged messages recently where she said she would like to meet me. .. but this time I'm not sure. She's smarter than me, more together than me. She's not my friend, not my therapist, not my play partner. I don't know what I can provide her, and we know each other so much more than last year, in the times we haven't had contact she's grown In my head into something I'm so terrified of disappointing. I want to know just where I stand with her but I don't have the right to ask. It's frustrating. She's a mystery which means I'm always always wondering. .. . She's very good to me, made exceptions for me and listened to all my heartaches when she didn't have to. But I miss speaking to her so much and I never know if I'm just this annoying little thing she can't shake off or if maybe she is just busy right now.
So have any of you been in a similar situation? Am I thinking about this too much instead of letting things be natural?
Luna x
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