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RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 4:45:22 AM   
petitespot


Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


quote:

ORIGINAL: petitespot

On a first meeting?????
If that's you're advice, then you'd be someone I'd stay very very far away from.
Jus sayin


YAY!!!!!


See how productive a conversation can be! 8)


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(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 4:56:37 AM   
quizzicalkitten


Posts: 312
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

I'll be honest, relax. She will probably be calm, poised, engaging and will ask you a ton of questions. Like Exiled said, be a listener. Do not lead the conversation, allow her to but don't be passionless and boring either. I know you're quite the Mr Personality when you want to be. Just don't let it carry into the realm of "obnoxious". She is still a Domina. I tend to ask about many things, my questions seem pointless but they help me understand someone a lot better. I'm definitely a talker and your response to me is really what I observe. Your manners and etiquette as well. Had a wannabe slave not open a door for me and that was a FIRST and it pretty much set the stage. I'm a bit old fashioned, I even like walking on the inside of the sidewalk. Any protocol outside of that I'm sure she'll establish beforehand. Bottom line, try to impress her, be engaging and don't mess up by acting like you care more about the kink than the woman. I always hope that if a sub messed up with me somewhere he'll improve with someone else so I don't lower the bar, I raise it. And of course, who doesn't love small tokens when meeting the first time?
Oh, almost forgot, two things. Waiters can fuck up a really good thing. 1- If the waiter comes up and asks you for your order first, motion him towards her. If there is wine and someone has to taste, if the waiter tries to hand you the glass, again motion to her. 2- If a waiter tries to take a plate before someone else is done eating, that defies restaurant etiquette, make your displeasure visibly known and motion him to leave it until she's done.
The second one really irks me, but the first is also just "going the extra mile".



As a female Dominant, If a sub did any of this Id not be impressed at all, and it would likely lead to us not having an additional meeting.

Talk to the woman you are going to be meeting and see what she would prefer.

All women are different and like and prefer different things. For example if you bring me a gift on our first meet, I will not smile about it. I will be nice, but its not something I want or prefer because to me its like your trying to buy your way into my affections and here look at this shiny/tasty/pretty bauble.

I prefer to go into every meeting as if we are two people, no power exchange, no roles. I need to get to know if you as yourself are going to fit in my life with your personality before we even get to the kink, sex or do what I say part. If your a nervous talker that tends to babble about inappropriate things and hide that fact from me, and down the road I leave you with my boss at a function and you talk about inappropriate things. Thats something I need to know from the start, not after I have to explain to my boss whats going on.

Be yourself, theres nothing more frustrating to me, then someone being someone they arent in the hopes to impress me.


(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 5:07:19 AM   
satanscharmer


Posts: 376
Status: offline 		Listening and letting them lead the conversation has always worked well for me, but...
That's me and who I am.

I'm not much of a small talker but can get chatty if a moment of awkward silence approaches (not all silence is awkward, though).
I think your chattiness may be beneficial for you...if there is a moment of awkward silence. Just try and control it a bit by not over-talking her and follow her lead if she cues a topic change.
I wouldn't print a list of topics to take. If someone did that to me, I'd be completely turned off. It isn't a business meeting.

Above all, be yourself. After all, she must know and like some things about you already otherwise she wouldn't be meeting you.
So, take that knowledge and relax a little.

I hope you have a great meet!

---------------------------

A little story for you.

When I first met my now husband, it was through a mutual friend. The three of us went out and the mutual friend ended up passed out in the back, while we were in the front together. Oy, talk about uncomfortable silence. He's a quiet and reserved type, as am I.
Well, I couldn't stand the silence anymore so out comes my chatty chaterson side. We've never stopped talking since.


(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 5:14:42 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: quizzicalkitten


quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

I'll be honest, relax. She will probably be calm, poised, engaging and will ask you a ton of questions. Like Exiled said, be a listener. Do not lead the conversation, allow her to but don't be passionless and boring either. I know you're quite the Mr Personality when you want to be. Just don't let it carry into the realm of "obnoxious". She is still a Domina. I tend to ask about many things, my questions seem pointless but they help me understand someone a lot better. I'm definitely a talker and your response to me is really what I observe. Your manners and etiquette as well. Had a wannabe slave not open a door for me and that was a FIRST and it pretty much set the stage. I'm a bit old fashioned, I even like walking on the inside of the sidewalk. Any protocol outside of that I'm sure she'll establish beforehand. Bottom line, try to impress her, be engaging and don't mess up by acting like you care more about the kink than the woman. I always hope that if a sub messed up with me somewhere he'll improve with someone else so I don't lower the bar, I raise it. And of course, who doesn't love small tokens when meeting the first time?
Oh, almost forgot, two things. Waiters can fuck up a really good thing. 1- If the waiter comes up and asks you for your order first, motion him towards her. If there is wine and someone has to taste, if the waiter tries to hand you the glass, again motion to her. 2- If a waiter tries to take a plate before someone else is done eating, that defies restaurant etiquette, make your displeasure visibly known and motion him to leave it until she's done.
The second one really irks me, but the first is also just "going the extra mile".



As a female Dominant, If a sub did any of this Id not be impressed at all, and it would likely lead to us not having an additional meeting.

Talk to the woman you are going to be meeting and see what she would prefer.

All women are different and like and prefer different things. For example if you bring me a gift on our first meet, I will not smile about it. I will be nice, but its not something I want or prefer because to me its like your trying to buy your way into my affections and here look at this shiny/tasty/pretty bauble.

I prefer to go into every meeting as if we are two people, no power exchange, no roles. I need to get to know if you as yourself are going to fit in my life with your personality before we even get to the kink, sex or do what I say part. If your a nervous talker that tends to babble about inappropriate things and hide that fact from me, and down the road I leave you with my boss at a function and you talk about inappropriate things. Thats something I need to know from the start, not after I have to explain to my boss whats going on.

Be yourself, theres nothing more frustrating to me, then someone being someone they arent in the hopes to impress me.




I would agree with this, and would add that in the event the OP has form for nerves and being overly talkative then that's the person he is and you (general you) can't hide from yourself. No use in making a last minute attempt to escape years of behaviour.

For some people, many people, it won't be a negative at all; and there are many, far worse character traits.

And, for those of us who think you learn about someone from listening to them, then the lad's open book approach will be useful.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to quizzicalkitten)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 5:21:50 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: satanscharmer

It isn't a business meeting.



I always have a member of my personal HR department on hand to ask pointless, excruciating questions, such as: if the colour of the sky wasn't blue, what colour would it be?

This tends to sort the timewasters from the desirable.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to satanscharmer)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 7:32:41 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Don't talk about play/sex. That's a turn off unless this is an interview with a pro dome to determine if you two fit well professionally.
Ask if she hit much traffic, you know, normal conversation between people who don't know each other.

But if you normally are chatty, and she's looking for someone who doesn't say anything except yes ma'am and no ma'am, then better you both know first thing that you aren't compatible.

She hasn't indicated that she thinks of you as a sub because if she did, she would have told you to call her mistress. The fact that she hasn't shows she considers this a non power meet. Follow her cues.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 12:50:00 PM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline 		I'll go out on a limb and suggest that this meeting will be as much about you finding out about her as vice versa.

While I would be putting my "best foot forward", I also wouldn't forget that the vetting process is a two-way street.

If there are things you wish to know, ask them. If you're a "talker", then by all means, TALK. If you wish to lead a portion of the conversation, then do it. In essence, be YOU. To echo what DesFIP said, if you are not compatible, better to know now than later. I don't see any purpose in putting on any "airs" because someone identifies as one thing or another.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 1:13:03 PM   
SpyUnderCover


Posts: 208
Joined: 6/21/2010
Status: offline 		I echo what others have said about being yourself. A lot of submissive males are nervous when first meeting a domme. Frankly, I usually find that charming, and enjoy turning their nervousness into my advantage. I'm very comfortable with gaps of silence. If the guy starts babbling nervously, he can disclose an awful lot of useful information about himself. lol

Good luck, Crumpets!

Spy

(in reply to littleladybug)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 5:51:26 PM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
She hasn't indicated that she thinks of you as a sub because if she did, she would have told you to call her mistress. The fact that she hasn't shows she considers this a non power meet. Follow her cues.


This is a very good point, in that she told me, only afterward, what she wanted to call me, and still hasn't asked me to call her anything in particular (although I'm always polite).

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I feel I owe a quick summary, not of the conversation itself, but, of how the advice fared.
I arrived a half hour early, and had sent her a picture and a listing of what I'd be wearing, and proceeded to find a sheltered cozy area of the coffeeshop (it wasn't a Starbucks, it was a one-off, which meant it wasn't all that crowed, which was nice).

Sitting down with a DECAFFINATED coffee (that helped a lot!), I began to fill out the questionaires, just in case, but ten minutes before I was supposed to be there, I texted her to let her know I was there, and asked if she wanted anything. She told me and I had it ready for her, and each of us were true to our photos, so there was an immediate recognition.

At first, I went to shake her hand, but, stopped, and she looked at me kind'a funny, when she said, in a nice way, "you're gonna shake my hand?", and wordlessly we sat down, but with smiles on our face, both realizing the awkwardness of that first moment. I pulled her chair out for her and we sat outside, where I faced the sun so that she didn't need to squint (it was the most secluded spot). We kept to hushed tones, but our conversation went on for more than two hours, and the funny thing was that, while I probably still talked too much, I don't think I fell back upon blabbering. We discussed our childhood and our families and our education and our neighbors, and our upbringing, etc., all of which was very similar (which was kind'a funny, that there was so much in common).

Every once in a while, a kink-related topic came up, as she is more open about it than I am, and she was a switch, so, she knew both sides of the kneel, so, she pretty much had me pegged from the start. Anyway, without going into explicit detail, I forwent the candy (as noted, it might be considered insincere on the first meet) and I answered all her questions, even the tough ones.

She allowed me a hug in the end, after I walked her back to her car, and we established a communication thereafter.

So, all in all, a pleasant rather vanilla experience was had by all. Truth be admitted, I brought my bag of toys, just in case, but it was not to be (and I don't think, for her, it was ever in the cards). Too bad because I had the most erotic shower just getting ready, and trimming things up, and perfuming them (ouch!) but that's a story for another time, another day (yes, I was embarrassed at myself for being so naive).

Anyway, thank you for all the advice; it was much appreciated, and very helpful.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 6:04:54 PM   
SpyUnderCover


Posts: 208
Joined: 6/21/2010
Status: offline 		I'm glad it went well for you. It sounds, all in all, like a pretty typical first meeting. For the record, I rather like the handshake upon first meeting. It's neutral, polite; it establishes physical contact without being overly intimate.

Spy

(in reply to crumpets)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/11/2015 12:11:31 AM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


quote:

ORIGINAL: petitespot

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


quote:

ORIGINAL: petitespot


quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

You're on the listen side of the kneel.

Jus sayin


No offense, but that's bullshit.
They're meeting to see if there's any real life chemistry.
They should both talk, laugh, question and listen.




Because not listening has worked out so well for you, right?



Ummm....well geez, it kinda says in my last line that they BOTH should listen. And they both should talk.
And have that strange thing called a conversation. I'm sure you've heard of that.

It's kinda funny. If the roles were reversed and it was a female sub meeting with a male dominant, would you advise them to be on the "listen side of the kneel"?
Or would you advise them to talk and ask questions for their safety and compatibility no matter how nervous they may be?





This isn't vanilla, my advice is gender neutral. The D is going to lead and the /s better make real fucking sure they want to follow.

Jus sayin


I don't agree with that. I wouldn't treat a first meeting with a domme any differently than a vanilla first meeting. I'll state my opinions, I'll make jokes, I'll be me. But I am not the nervous sort.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/11/2015 5:03:22 AM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SpyUnderCover

I'm glad it went well for you. It sounds, all in all, like a pretty typical first meeting. For the record, I rather like the handshake upon first meeting. It's neutral, polite; it establishes physical contact without being overly intimate.

Spy


Thanks for that admonition. It was instinctive, for me, but she didn't want it.
I should mention I had met up with one other prospective Domme, about a month ago, for a similar meeting, and I made a few mistakes, which I regret, and corrected this time (e.g., I didn't wear a collar to this one, which was a protocol faux pas), and I didn't mention that she should be careful about leaking GPS information in her photos, etc.).

This time I kept that stuff to myself. :)

(in reply to SpyUnderCover)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/11/2015 2:00:41 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It sounds like a good first meet. You found each other easy to talk to. Nobody pressured the other for something they were not yet ready for. You've discovered that you had a lot of compatibility.

I hope you either called or emailed the next day to say how much you enjoyed the meet and ask if she would like to meet for lunch or dinner over the weekend. Phone being better than emailing.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to crumpets)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/11/2015 3:03:18 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: quizzicalkitten


quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

I'll be honest, relax. She will probably be calm, poised, engaging and will ask you a ton of questions. Like Exiled said, be a listener. Do not lead the conversation, allow her to but don't be passionless and boring either. I know you're quite the Mr Personality when you want to be. Just don't let it carry into the realm of "obnoxious". She is still a Domina. I tend to ask about many things, my questions seem pointless but they help me understand someone a lot better. I'm definitely a talker and your response to me is really what I observe. Your manners and etiquette as well. Had a wannabe slave not open a door for me and that was a FIRST and it pretty much set the stage. I'm a bit old fashioned, I even like walking on the inside of the sidewalk. Any protocol outside of that I'm sure she'll establish beforehand. Bottom line, try to impress her, be engaging and don't mess up by acting like you care more about the kink than the woman. I always hope that if a sub messed up with me somewhere he'll improve with someone else so I don't lower the bar, I raise it. And of course, who doesn't love small tokens when meeting the first time?
Oh, almost forgot, two things. Waiters can fuck up a really good thing. 1- If the waiter comes up and asks you for your order first, motion him towards her. If there is wine and someone has to taste, if the waiter tries to hand you the glass, again motion to her. 2- If a waiter tries to take a plate before someone else is done eating, that defies restaurant etiquette, make your displeasure visibly known and motion him to leave it until she's done.
The second one really irks me, but the first is also just "going the extra mile".



As a female Dominant, If a sub did any of this Id not be impressed at all, and it would likely lead to us not having an additional meeting.

Talk to the woman you are going to be meeting and see what she would prefer.

All women are different and like and prefer different things. For example if you bring me a gift on our first meet, I will not smile about it. I will be nice, but its not something I want or prefer because to me its like your trying to buy your way into my affections and here look at this shiny/tasty/pretty bauble.

I prefer to go into every meeting as if we are two people, no power exchange, no roles. I need to get to know if you as yourself are going to fit in my life with your personality before we even get to the kink, sex or do what I say part. If your a nervous talker that tends to babble about inappropriate things and hide that fact from me, and down the road I leave you with my boss at a function and you talk about inappropriate things. Thats something I need to know from the start, not after I have to explain to my boss whats going on.

Be yourself, theres nothing more frustrating to me, then someone being someone they arent in the hopes to impress me.




You mean if a sub was an actual gentleman? Well different strokes. Pretty indicative your subs would never be considered by me. Even vanilla men love doing these things, LOL. It's called basic forms of courtesy like "no elbows on the table".
No part of my advice required him to transform his personality. LMFAO!!!!

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 2/11/2015 3:07:03 PM >

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to quizzicalkitten)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/11/2015 8:23:26 PM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I hope you either called or emailed the next day to say how much you enjoyed the meet and ask if she would like to meet for lunch or dinner over the weekend. Phone being better than emailing.


This is good advice. What I did, (perhaps too soon?) was text her that I enjoyed the meeting, after the meeting, and I emailed her an abstract photo that I had promised her, which showed the emotion that I feel inside, when I serve the "right" someone.

BTW, while we are compatible, I have no way of knowing, this soon, that she's the right someone. I don't really know. She's not perfect, and neither am I, so, maybe I'm not the right someone for her. But, at this point, as most people said, we have a vanilla compatibility, which goes beyond just one or two things, so, that's a nice start, at the very least.

To that end, she asked me, via email, to send her my schedule, saying "now that we're know we are comfortable with each other", and asked me to meet her at my convenience and hers, at a local eatery, for a luncheon date, where we'd have more time to explore compatibility.

I'm less nervous about this second meeting, though, thanks in part to all your advice.
thanks!

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/11/2015 8:30:55 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I meant to say no later than the next day. And since she's as enthused about a second meet as you are, that's wonderful.

None of us are perfect. To err is human. All you can hope for is that you're perfect together.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to crumpets)
Profile   Post #: 36
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