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New to BDSM - 2/13/2015 6:00:35 PM

oxsocoprincess88

Posts: 1
Joined: 2/13/2015
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Hello there,
So I'm kind of new to the whole BDSM lifestyle. I need some advice about a few things. I am perfectly comfortable with submitting to my fiancé in the bedroom but when it come to everyday life, its extremely hard for me to let go of that control. Is there anyways to get over the fear of having no control. Also im not the type to be the center of attention either so im not use to someone worrying about me. Please let me know if anyone has any advice

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RE: New to BDSM - 2/13/2015 6:19:28 PM

littleladybug

Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
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There's no reason why you should feel like you *have* to submit to him outside the bedroom. This is all about what makes YOU happy, so don't try to fit into what you might view as what it "should be" (as there is none).

Remember to always communicate with him-- do what makes you both feel comfortable. And, if you want to try submitting outside the bedroom, I would suggest to start slowly. Find a couple of things that work for the two of you and build from there.

This is about you and your relationship, so take time to explore and find out what works for the two of you.

(in reply to oxsocoprincess88)

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RE: New to BDSM - 2/13/2015 7:49:07 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
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Is there a reason you want to submit outside the bedroom? Does he want you to?

I'm a bedroom only girl. I don't operate well under 24/7 or Total Power Exchange.

And thats perfectly fine.

Otherwise if you're struggling, I'd suggest starting small, building up trust, and finding out what sort of things you feel you need to control.

(in reply to littleladybug)

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RE: New to BDSM - 2/13/2015 8:15:20 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: oxsocoprincess88

Hello there,
So I'm kind of new to the whole BDSM lifestyle. I need some advice about a few things. I am perfectly comfortable with submitting to my fiancé in the bedroom but when it come to everyday life, its extremely hard for me to let go of that control. Is there anyways to get over the fear of having no control. Also im not the type to be the center of attention either so im not use to someone worrying about me. Please let me know if anyone has any advice

First of all, as a new person to BDSM, I suggest that you take a look at our suggested reading list here: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

My first question to you would be, how does your fiance feel about his role? What is it that he wants? Of all the people that you should express your concerns to, it would be them, don't you think? All anyone can do here is give you a few tips, which you have gotten... go slow is the first one. Communicate is the second. Oddly enough, communicate is also the third, fourth and fifth one. Find what works for you both, there is no "One Size Fits All" for your dynamic. I am certain that my dynamic with my woman would not work for some people, and theirs would not work for me.

Go slow. Talk, and just don't talk at each other, talk to each other. You'll do fine.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to oxsocoprincess88)

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RE: New to BDSM - 2/13/2015 8:41:38 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: oxsocoprincess88

Hello there,
So I'm kind of new to the whole BDSM lifestyle. I need some advice about a few things. I am perfectly comfortable with submitting to my fiancé in the bedroom but when it come to everyday life, its extremely hard for me to let go of that control. Is there anyways to get over the fear of having no control. Also im not the type to be the center of attention either so im not use to someone worrying about me. Please let me know if anyone has any advice

Letting go of that control - actually feeling it slip away - is exhilarating for me. While it's not hard for me to let go of control on the surface, I do notice more resistance sometimes as our relationship evolves and submission is no longer just the fun stuff. When it starts to get difficult, something I really don't want to lose control of, I can dig my heels in and not relinquish so easily.

I would say two things, then, as far as advice. The first would be for neither of you to give up on it, whatever it is that he is desiring to take the reins of. Winning your internal battle can take time. I have gone through a pretty major overhaul and I will be honest - for the first 3-6 months of it, I tried to fight it tooth and nail. But he did not bend. And I didn't give up, either. The more I practiced obedience, the easier it became. And I had more and more frequent moments of clarity about it as time went on. (Embrace those "Aha!" moments!) Now I'm on the other side of it and I am thanking him almost daily for it. He didn't give in to me when I wanted to keep control. Knowing he will remain the authority no matter what is so very important, I think. You can't rightly submit to someone who you can manipulate.

The second thing I would say is that during those months, I never once distrusted his judgment. I had a hundred excuses for why I wanted to keep control, but one of them was not "But he's wrong" or "This will harm me." I assume, since he's your fiance, that your trust is already established. But I felt it important to say for the record that I would never recommend giving up control in this manner to someone you don't trust completely.

In short, getting over the fear of having no control? Practice. It seems silly to say, but really. Just practice. You can learn to let go.

This is all assuming, of course, that you want to strive for submission outside of the bedroom.

(in reply to oxsocoprincess88)

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RE: New to BDSM - 2/14/2015 6:49:03 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Go slow. He shouldn't be giving you ten new rules a day nor micromanaging you. One rule at a time and no new one until you've got that one down pat. If he wants you to match panties and bras, is there any reason why you can't do that? While you may well not let him pick work outfits if he doesn't demonstrate an understanding of professional attire. Since work isn't the place for micro short skirts nor for oversized hoodies.

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(in reply to Kaliko)

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