How to cope/get out of submissive headspace

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How to cope/get out of submissive headspace - 2/15/2015 9:10:34 PM

NJay

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So I really went and screwed the pooch. I started playing with a friend who by his own admission (and popular opinion) is a mentally damaged asshole. In the beginning there would be a clear cut line between just drinking a few beers friend time and me being his bitch time. Over the past few months it seemed that all we were doing is the latter, which I really didn't mind because it was mostly fun. But since he's been having other issues (mental health, financial etc) I've been cut off from all communication (except from asking if I was okay and wanting to know what happened when I had to go to the emergency room). So I'm now stuck in a state of mind that can only really be resolved by what I'm not currently getting and I'm also depressed due to not having that friendship any more (and this is a problem I don't feel comfortable talking to my mental health professional about). Does anyone have any advice on how to get back to normal?

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RE: How to cope/get out of submissive headspace - 2/15/2015 10:07:50 PM

ResidentSadist

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Make new friends that don't have mental health issues, maybe the rest will fall in place after that?

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RE: How to cope/get out of submissive headspace - 2/15/2015 10:07:59 PM

DarkSteven

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Move on. Find a Dom that feeds you, who is NOT a mentally damaged asshole.

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RE: How to cope/get out of submissive headspace - 2/15/2015 10:46:48 PM

sexyred1

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Joined: 8/9/2007
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You know, I always liked bad boys. Some bad boys are really good and some are toxic.

The most toxic is the guy (or girl) who warns you about themselves, by saying, listen, I am fucked up, stay away, or I am not good enough for you, or best of all, you can help me, babe.

Those people know what they are doing, as opposed to mentally ill folk.

Still, you cannot fix anyone, only yourself.

Do not stay with someone you cannot be yourself with, talk to, be listened to and who,will not meet your needs.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 2/15/2015 10:47:24 PM >

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RE: How to cope/get out of submissive headspace - 2/15/2015 10:52:40 PM

Sirs1tj

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Well said, Red!

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RE: How to cope/get out of submissive headspace - 2/15/2015 11:47:18 PM

orgasmdenial12

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Socialise with your friends.

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RE: How to cope/get out of submissive headspace - 2/15/2015 11:56:46 PM

Gauge

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Joined: 6/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NJay

So I really went and screwed the pooch. I started playing with a friend who by his own admission (and popular opinion) is a mentally damaged asshole. In the beginning there would be a clear cut line between just drinking a few beers friend time and me being his bitch time. Over the past few months it seemed that all we were doing is the latter, which I really didn't mind because it was mostly fun. But since he's been having other issues (mental health, financial etc) I've been cut off from all communication (except from asking if I was okay and wanting to know what happened when I had to go to the emergency room). So I'm now stuck in a state of mind that can only really be resolved by what I'm not currently getting and I'm also depressed due to not having that friendship any more (and this is a problem I don't feel comfortable talking to my mental health professional about). Does anyone have any advice on how to get back to normal?

You played with someone who you knew was mentally troubled and it ended badly, and you are surprised that it was a disaster?

Then you refuse to go to your own mental health professional that you admit to having, and come here to solicit advice from perfect strangers and ask how to get normal, and you think this is a better idea?

Are you seeing the pattern of poor decision making that may have ended you up where you are because of bad choices?

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RE: How to cope/get out of submissive headspace - 2/16/2015 12:49:16 AM

NJay

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I played with a long term friend who has combat trauma, it's hard to avoid in this part of the world. I have war related stress (also hard to avoid when you're living through a war), my mental health professional is for prescriptions only, is not a therapist and knows nothing about this lifestyle. I'm not asking how to deal with someone's ptsd, I'm asking how to detach emotionally. I've never been involved with someone so long term and in depth.

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RE: How to cope/get out of submissive headspace - 2/16/2015 8:50:26 AM

preytolife

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How to detach emotionally...

Time and persistency. Don't see him. Don't talk to him. If he is unhealthy for you then cut him out of your life. Don't keep reminders. Find a new hobby, go out and hang with friends and try not to spend too much time moping by yourself. Do some research and find out if there is counseling available either on a sliding scale or offered as part of a community setting. Even group therapy. Focusing on yourself and what you need might make it easier on you.

And do not fall into the trap of thinking that BDSM is the solution. Don't go looking for a dom to replace that one.

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RE: How to cope/get out of submissive headspace - 2/16/2015 8:08:58 PM

cloudboy

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I've been dealing with a disturbing issue in my relationship. As it seemed my mood was to be ruined for an entire weekend and I could not stop ruminating I thought I'd try DR. Google for some insights.

Two interesting things came up. From Salon was an article that "being in love" produced the kind of chemicals in a person that cocaine does. So, when you get cut off, you go into withdrawal. Withdrawal symptoms are similar to what you describe in your OP.

Next, getting over a bad relationship or dealing with a bad conflict has some of the characteristics of PTSD -- namely you keep reliving, rethinking, or ruminate upon what upsets and depresses you.

Each of these observations was a realization to me -- so the steps I took were designed to get me to "snap out of it" which in my case meant to focus my attention elsewhere and to stop ruminating over things: (1) I cannot change and (2) are in the past. So, I just did my best to throw myself into other healthy activities, and to think of anything but what was upsetting (i.e. separating myself from the negative thoughts / feelings cycle.)

Good luck. I really sucks to feel the void and the emptiness. But, don't let it trap you.

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RE: How to cope/get out of submissive headspace - 2/16/2015 8:22:13 PM

shiftyw

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Move on.

I've had my fair share of douchebags in my life.
I swear most of my college years were spent with a parade of assholes.

Its hard, but when you finally want to treat yourself right, you start attracting people who will treat you right. I think if you get out more, and let this relationship go a little- you'll be fine.

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RE: How to cope/get out of submissive headspace - 2/17/2015 7:43:19 AM

DesFIP

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Make a list of things you used to enjoy and no longer do. Do one of them every day.
In addition, make a list of things you always wanted to try and try one of them weekly.

Put more enjoyment into your life and there will be less anguish.

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RE: How to cope/get out of submissive headspace - 2/17/2015 8:30:07 AM

thishereboi

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Does anyone have any advice on how to get back to normal?

Sure, next time hook up with someone who isn't a mentally damaged asshole.

edited to add, there is a world of difference between a person with combat trauma and a mentally damaged asshole. So after reading your second post I will have to amend my answer.

Wait until you come home, get YOUR shit together (by talking to a professional) and then start looking.

Oh and next time hook up with someone who isn't a mentally damaged asshole.

< Message edited by thishereboi -- 2/17/2015 8:33:48 AM >

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