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How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 2/16/2015 1:56:19 PM   
subcuriousnv


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/15/2015
Status: offline 		I'm a total newbie who's looking for a genuine & experienced Dom or Master to sub under. Any advice or resources from those with experience would be much appreciated. I'm looking for sub training & a long term (6 months to 1 year) relationship, more than casual play. The most important thing to me is training or molding my brain to be as submissive as possible, if that can be done. As I have no experience, I don't really know what to look for and look out for in a potential Dom or Master. Age & looks (within reason) of a Dom or Master are not important to me, but his quality and experience is.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 2/16/2015 2:14:55 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subcuriousnv

I'm a total newbie who's looking for a genuine & experienced Dom or Master to sub under. Any advice or resources from those with experience would be much appreciated. I'm looking for sub training & a long term (6 months to 1 year) relationship, more than casual play. The most important thing to me is training or molding my brain to be as submissive as possible, if that can be done. As I have no experience, I don't really know what to look for and look out for in a potential Dom or Master. Age & looks (within reason) of a Dom or Master are not important to me, but his quality and experience is.



Here is a book list you may find helpful: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

The first step is to educate yourself. Read a few books, attend your local BDSM munch, see how others do it, talk to folks, ask questions here and other places and so on.

Being a complete newbie is fine, but it also opens the door to a lot of potentially unwanted things as well. The more you know, the better prepared you will be to make an informed decision.

Think about limits you have. Think about possible health limitations that could pose difficulty in play. Think about what you want from a dominant. Things like that.

Before you jump into a relationship right away, take the time to educate yourself. There is no rush to get started, don't get pressured into something you aren't ready for.

Lastly, before one thread of rope goes on you, before one handcuff comes near you or one chain, be sure of who it is that is going to take away your control. You can make a huge mistake by letting the wrong person immobilize you, this is why you need to go slow. Communicate with your potential dominant. If they say something that doesn't sit right with you, ask them to explain, if you are still uncomfortable, don't do it. Avoid the "If you were a true submissive you would ________." bullshit. Also drop the words "genuine dominant or master" from your vocabulary... there is no such thing.

Be safe and have fun.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to subcuriousnv)
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RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 2/16/2015 2:43:53 PM   
UnholyBear


Posts: 661
Joined: 10/19/2012
Status: offline 		Wish words there Gauge.

_____________________________

Shameless flirt and just as unholy as ever!

Gauge's cuddlemuffin

CD's manwhore


(in reply to Gauge)
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RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 2/16/2015 9:01:10 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
I'm a total newbie who's looking for a genuine & experienced Dom or Master to sub under. Any advice or resources from those with experience would be much appreciated.

Okay.

I'm looking for sub training & a long term (6 months to 1 year) relationship, more than casual play. The most important thing to me is training or molding my brain to be as submissive as possible, if that can be done.

I'm sorry, but you cannot be trained for a D/s relationship any more than for a vanilla relationship.

If I were to train you, it would be for play purposes, and simple service such as doing chores, etc. I do not drink coffee or tea.

Some Doms would want you to serve them sexually. Some are very particular about how they want their coffee or tea prepared.

And it's not just your brain working in a vacuum. Some Doms will inspire submissive actions and feelings. Some may cause you to feel more Dommelike. And some will make you want to run away screaming.

As I have no experience, I don't really know what to look for and look out for in a potential Dom or Master. Age & looks (within reason) of a Dom or Master are not important to me, but his quality and experience is.

To be blunt, you're setting yourself up to be taken advantage of whichever guy has the most convincing lines.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to subcuriousnv)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 2/16/2015 10:53:41 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		You don't find a genuine Dom, you look for a genuine person.

If you do not find that, forget the D/s stuff.

Educate yourself to things you read about and observe, there is no official training to be submissive. Just as there is no training to be a genuine person.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 2/17/2015 5:14:05 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

You don't find a genuine Dom, you look for a genuine person.

If you do not find that, forget the D/s stuff.

Educate yourself to things you read about and observe, there is no official training to be submissive. Just as there is no training to be a genuine person.


^ THIS!

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 2/17/2015 8:14:40 AM   
UnholyBear


Posts: 661
Joined: 10/19/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subcuriousnv

I'm a total newbie who's looking for a genuine & experienced Dom or Master to sub under. Any advice or resources from those with experience would be much appreciated. I'm looking for sub training & a long term (6 months to 1 year) relationship, more than casual play. The most important thing to me is training or molding my brain to be as submissive as possible, if that can be done. As I have no experience, I don't really know what to look for and look out for in a potential Dom or Master. Age & looks (within reason) of a Dom or Master are not important to me, but his quality and experience is.



First of all, listen, read, ask questions in a respectful manner. Above all else, know thy self meaning know what your needs are, what your wants are especially when desiring to enter in any sort of D/s situation. Too often too many people enter into a D/s dynamic without fully understanding what they are getting themselves into as what you think you want and need may not aligned with a dom's needs and wants. Been there and done that and grateful I didn't become another statistic.

You stated that; " The most important thing to me is training or molding my brain to be as submissive as possible." Don't forget the most important factor is your willingness to be molded because if you aren't fully willing then it will be futile to learn to be more submissive in a way that will please a dominant. Ask yourself if you are willing to allow and trust another enough to allow them to teach you, are you actually prepared to face a steep learning curve when it comes to changing how you think and view authority based dynamics? Are you willing for the most part, to put a dominant's needs and wants above yours? Because this is what is involved. Yes your needs will be met though your wants not as much.

One last thing, what should be a priority, in my eyes, is you find compatibility with a person who happens to identify as dominant. view them as a person before the role they identify with. Dominants are people too and not just a fetish delivery service.

_____________________________

Shameless flirt and just as unholy as ever!

Gauge's cuddlemuffin

CD's manwhore


(in reply to subcuriousnv)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 2/18/2015 11:55:28 AM   
petitespot


Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subcuriousnv

I'm a total newbie who's looking for a genuine & experienced Dom or Master to sub under. Any advice or resources from those with experience would be much appreciated. I'm looking for sub training & a long term (6 months to 1 year) relationship, more than casual play. The most important thing to me is training or molding my brain to be as submissive as possible, if that can be done. As I have no experience, I don't really know what to look for and look out for in a potential Dom or Master. Age & looks (within reason) of a Dom or Master are not important to me, but his quality and experience is.



This stuff is way more fun when doing it with someone you like.
Soooo....find someone you like and who likes you and explore together.
And hopefully you'll be compatible.

_____________________________


(in reply to subcuriousnv)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 2/18/2015 3:03:22 PM   
Jexter


Posts: 1
Joined: 1/29/2015
Status: offline 		I have been reading a lot of journal entries from local subs on this site and have noticed a couple common things I need to comment on.

1. There are a lot of people who are entering the lifestyle since the whole 50 shades of gray phenomenon. Those of us who have been doing this for years have seen this question a lot and are seeing a lot of newbies who get taken advantage of and having bad experiences.

2. Being a sub does not mean you shouldnt trust your gut. If it feels wrong or uncomfortable then you need to change what you are doing. If you have a "Dom" and he is pressuring you then he is not a good Dom. I agree with the other posts here that finding a good person you match with and then look at exploring your various kinks together.

(in reply to petitespot)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 2/19/2015 1:49:31 PM   
Bhruic


Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline 		Questions like yours are very common. What they all have in common is the "I'm looking for..." or "How do I meet..." as if you are seeking a professional service, like there is a directory somewhere, or someone can give you a referral.

You have to realize that what you are looking for is a relationship... and once you realize that, you will realize how unanswerable your question is.

... or at least, you will realize you know the answers already. Go places where the people you want to be in a relationship with go, and meet them!

< Message edited by Bhruic -- 2/19/2015 1:50:47 PM >

_____________________________

pronounced "VROOick"

(in reply to Jexter)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 2/25/2015 4:20:31 AM   
MalcolmNathaniel


Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subcuriousnv

I'm a total newbie who's looking for a genuine & experienced Dom or Master to sub under. Any advice or resources from those with experience would be much appreciated. I'm looking for sub training & a long term (6 months to 1 year) relationship, more than casual play. The most important thing to me is training or molding my brain to be as submissive as possible, if that can be done. As I have no experience, I don't really know what to look for and look out for in a potential Dom or Master. Age & looks (within reason) of a Dom or Master are not important to me, but his quality and experience is.


Read. Read a lot. Don't go with just the first person who contacts you - make sure you are going with the right person. "Training" just trains you to serve the person you are serving.

(in reply to subcuriousnv)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 2/28/2015 8:24:35 PM   
HisDarlingDoll


Posts: 7
Joined: 2/26/2015
Status: offline 		as someone who not long ago was a newbie as well, i can appreciate the position from which you are coming, seeking advice.
Master and i met on CollarMe, 16 months ago. and, as a matter of fact, i approached Him, based on His profile. i appreciated His honesty, and the care of which He displayed in O/our early communications. W/we have been in a LDR for this entire time, and it has been most satisfying and fulfilling. He has trained me, and continues to do so, training my thoughts/ideas/mindset. There are days when i have to chuckle, at how much i think like Him, how H/he wants me to think...BUT MY POINT IN SHARING THIS (above) is that if it weren't for the fact that i trust Him, have faith in Him, and feel safe as His most prized possession, as well as feel in my deepest heart of hearts that He always has MY best interest in mind first and foremost, i would certainly not be "trainable" ... so that is the key, in my opinion, to find the One with whom you trust, connect with on several levels (vanilla certainly included).... Chat, e-mail, read books (i started out by reading the marketplace series and knew right away i was onto something)... you choose a Master, actually--and most newbies, myself included, don't understand that concept just by way of being so new and unsure and having 389 dusche-doms demanding things of them via e-mail in the first 7 minutes they are online... so i would say just know that you choose to whom you submit, just as much as He chooses to whom he OFFERS his control. ..and when both His and your desires/needs match up--look out! it's simply indescribable. in every way.

good luck, OP.

< Message edited by HisDarlingDoll -- 2/28/2015 8:25:25 PM >

(in reply to MalcolmNathaniel)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 3/1/2015 7:52:17 AM   
Ary


Posts: 14
Joined: 1/11/2009
Status: offline 		I´ve been where you are right now. Think long and hard about what you want/need. Limits may be: Am I willing to be shared, am I willing to share him with someone else. For the sake of discussion lets say that you wish for a monogamous relationship and the Master wants to share you, then maybe the Master should keep on looking. Stick to your own beliefs, or widen your horizon if it feels right.
In my case I had to kiss a few frogs, I played on and off for years as it was hard to find the right person. Someone mentioned fins someone you like, go out and play and I agree with that. At least for a start before commiting to much of anything. It takes a while to get the experience, to know what you want.

Good luck.

(in reply to HisDarlingDoll)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 3/1/2015 4:06:48 PM   
itsSIRtou


Posts: 836
Joined: 3/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subcuriousnv

I'm a total newbie who's looking for a genuine & experienced Dom or Master to sub under. Any advice or resources from those with experience would be much appreciated. I'm looking for sub training & a long term (6 months to 1 year) relationship, more than casual play. The most important thing to me is training or molding my brain to be as submissive as possible, if that can be done. As I have no experience, I don't really know what to look for and look out for in a potential Dom or Master. Age & looks (within reason) of a Dom or Master are not important to me, but his quality and experience is.



(note: I'm relaying an answer given to me by My slave for this question) Research as much as possible, ask a lot of questions, listen to your gut, if they don't seem right to you, Don't talk to them again, and before meeting someone, have a back up or safe call, (a safe call is someone ( a friend) who knows where you're going, whom your meeting, and will check in with you periodically that first date, to make sure you're all right.)

SIR speaking: I think someone else on here mentioned this, but I'm going to again here then. Compatibility is everything. You are a male slave, looking for a Male Master, you are no less vulnerable to exploitation than if you were a newbe female sub. Don't open yourself up to use by anyone you don't fully trust. It's that simple. Go to a few munches, talk to other slaves (with permission.) Check out a play party or two. Buy your own play collar and play cuffs, and watch and learn before doing anything.
And do I really have to say keep condoms available?

If you take into consideration just about everything that I've said and what the prior Dominant's in this thread have said, (who listens to the slaves around here, anyway? LOL!... Just kidding.)
You can look forward to a good first experience and the fulfillment that comes from this lifestyle that many of us have.

Good luck to u.

SIR

_____________________________

I will allways be a knight, instead of a prince.

What would the internet be like if we couldn't say trump is a moron?

The Republican party complains government doesnt work for people, and then makes darn sure it cannot.

(in reply to subcuriousnv)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 3/2/2015 8:08:50 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you want a long term relationship, you have to genuinely like and respect the other person and they have to feel like that towards you. Experience in rope or pain play comes much farther down the line. If you both want this, then you take workshops together and learn together. Just as you'll become experienced over time, so will they.

Focus on the right relationship not on someone being a fetish delivery system.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to itsSIRtou)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 3/29/2015 3:57:43 AM   
DomBlkSir


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/28/2015
Status: offline 		The biggest challenge is knowing what you want/ what you are looking for/ what you expect. A woman asked my opinion on how to get her new Master to be more brutal to her. If he was brutal by nature, he already be brutal. Obviously this was not a match. Learn about yourself. Know what you want/looking for. Tell the potential your expectation.

(in reply to subcuriousnv)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 3/29/2015 4:44:35 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subcuriousnv

I'm a total newbie who's looking for a genuine & experienced Dom or Master to sub under. Any advice or resources from those with experience would be much appreciated. I'm looking for sub training & a long term (6 months to 1 year) relationship, more than casual play. The most important thing to me is training or molding my brain to be as submissive as possible, if that can be done. As I have no experience, I don't really know what to look for and look out for in a potential Dom or Master. Age & looks (within reason) of a Dom or Master are not important to me, but his quality and experience is.


Meet people, get to know them, and decide whether or not they hold the qualities you're looking for.

I appreciate you can always make the wrong decision, including people who generally possess sound judgement.

I'm afraid there's no guarantee, and like anyone else you will have to go through the process of trial and error when choosing a partner in order to arrive at your goal.

I'm sure you've done this, but on the off chance you haven't; then it may help to get to the bottom of who you are and what you're looking for in a partner - before even beginning to think about reading books and meeting people.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to subcuriousnv)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 5/2/2015 8:51:37 PM   
TigerKittenBBW


Posts: 6
Joined: 4/23/2015
Status: offline 		Hi everyone. I am totally new to all of this as well and had a daddy Dom approach me about being his girl. I really had no idea what I was doing and didn't do the reading and research that I should have and I messed up and he released me. Now I'm devastated at my naïveté and misunderstanding. He told me that I'm not ready and need to find who I am and what I need, what I want. Very Interestingly similar advice given throughout this thread and finding out what you want and what you are looking for.

Can anyone elaborate just a tad on what some examples of that might be? What are some of the traits that you personally look for? I know it's different for everyone, but when you say find someone with the qualities you are looking for, what are some of those for you? Just looking for examples.

And to know who you are? Is that knowing if you like pain or not, if you like humiliation or not? Or is it why you like what you do and what drives you? What motivates you? For some of us, like the person posting, this is part of our journey to finding who we are, so to what extent can you be learning more about yourself through submitting or entering into a D/s relationship if you are supposed to already know yourself? I hope this made sense and I appreciate any and all input.

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 5/2/2015 9:33:48 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TigerKittenBBW

Hi everyone. I am totally new to all of this as well and had a daddy Dom approach me about being his girl. I really had no idea what I was doing and didn't do the reading and research that I should have and I messed up and he released me.



Sounds like you didn't lose much to be honest. If he was a dominant, it isn't incumbent on you to train, or educate yourself, it is up to him to explain what he wants from you. You then are free to ask questions so you can learn from him. If he dismissed you out of hand because you didn't know enough, that is more his failure than yours, unless, of course, you were over your head to begin with.

quote:

Now I'm devastated at my naïveté and misunderstanding.


Don't be. Use what happened as a learning tool.

quote:

He told me that I'm not ready and need to find who I am and what I need, what I want.


Maybe you don't know who you are and what you want. He certainly didn't help you find that out either. Again, if you are that inexperienced, more his failing than yours.

quote:

Can anyone elaborate just a tad on what some examples of that might be? What are some of the traits that you personally look for? I know it's different for everyone, but when you say find someone with the qualities you are looking for, what are some of those for you? Just looking for examples.


You are already doing one of the things that I require which is wanting to grow and learn. See, people like that can be instructed and guided. Those that think they know everything cannot.

quote:

And to know who you are? Is that knowing if you like pain or not, if you like humiliation or not?


Yes, and no. Yes, part of knowing where you fit into all of this is a big part of this, but most everyone will tell you that process is a slow evolutionary discovery that happens as you encounter different things. If you have someone that is willing to mold you and help you along the way, it is much easier than simply abdicating their responsibility as your dominant.

quote:

Or is it why you like what you do and what drives you? What motivates you?


I don't think the why you like something is more important than finding out what you like and don't like. My woman tells me that she doesn't understand why she likes BDSM or pain, but she does like it, and she knows that we will explore how far that desire within her actually goes. Most of finding out who you are is the discovery process.

quote:

For some of us, like the person posting, this is part of our journey to finding who we are, so to what extent can you be learning more about yourself through submitting or entering into a D/s relationship if you are supposed to already know yourself?


You can't. What you must know is how willing you are to learn and grow. What you don't do on your own, your dominant should train you, and that takes patience and work.... something that is in short supply with some who claim dominance but are really just looking for something to make their naughty bits tingly.

The reason I tell people to educate themselves is because if they are truly inexperienced, anything that they can learn on their own is going to assist their growth.

What I have written above is not to be construed as anything but my opinion. Do not take it as gospel truth, but merely my worldview... and a mixed up, crazy one at that.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to TigerKittenBBW)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. - 5/2/2015 9:58:53 PM   
TigerKittenBBW


Posts: 6
Joined: 4/23/2015
Status: offline
quote:

Sounds like you didn't lose much to be honest. If he was a dominant, it isn't incumbent on you to train, or educate yourself, it is up to him to explain what he wants from you. You then are free to ask questions so you can learn from him. If he dismissed you out of hand because you didn't know enough, that is more his failure than yours, unless, of course, you were over your head to begin with.


I think it was a little of both. The daddy Dom knew I was married and that we are swinger's. When I agreed to be his girl he said that I had to get permission for anything sexual outside of with hubby. I interpreted that to mean "when I was with hubby", like at a swinger party or whatever, but he meant " sex with hubby only ".. I didn't tell him about a party we had decided to go to last weekend and then gave a bj to someone and didn't tell him until after the fact. He felt really hurt that I had not thought to tell him about the party in the first place. I think that is more what caused the problem than giving the bj. He would have been fine with it if I had had the mind set to communicate with him that we were going to something like that and it didn't even cross my mind, because I was with hubby. Now he feels that I don't have the ability to control my sexual urges to the extent that he needs. I believe I do, so I am here reading, learning and currently abstaining from everything for a week to focus and meditate and see if I can figure out a few things about myself.

Thank you for all of your feedback - a lot of what you say makes sense.

I definitely am using this as a learning opportunity and I really like the level of respect and courtesy that people here have shown in their responses to various postings. I'm really liking this community and glad I joined.

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 20
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