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NookieNotes -> RE: How to find a genuine Dom or Master. (5/3/2015 4:47:50 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TigerKittenBBW
He told me that I'm not ready and need to find who I am and what I need, what I want.
From my point of view, this is him passing responsibility off onto you for the failing of the relationship.
I would never do that. If I start a relationship as a dominant, I have already assessed the potential sub, determined I can put in what it would take to make the relationship amazing, and commit to that.
Saying that you need to find yourself sounds to me like he did not properly assess the effort needed, and chose to back out, leaving you the blame.
That does not mean that knowing yourself better could not have helped you or is not a good idea.
Just another perspective.
quote:
Can anyone elaborate just a tad on what some examples of that might be? What are some of the traits that you personally look for? I know it's different for everyone, but when you say find someone with the qualities you are looking for, what are some of those for you? Just looking for examples.
I look for:
1. (As Gauge said) A desire to learn and improve.
2. Drive. Willingness to go out and find answers.
3. Intelligence.
4. Connection/Chemistry
Everything else can be trained, in my view.
quote:
And to know who you are? Is that knowing if you like pain or not, if you like humiliation or not? Or is it why you like what you do and what drives you? What motivates you?
I find when people say that someone does not know who they are, there are two things they refer to:
1. They don't introspect or think about themselves critically.
2. They don't communicate what they know effectively.
quote:
For some of us, like the person posting, this is part of our journey to finding who we are, so to what extent can you be learning more about yourself through submitting or entering into a D/s relationship if you are supposed to already know yourself? I hope this made sense and I appreciate any and all input.
I think Gauge nailed it, quoted below.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Gauge
You can't. What you must know is how willing you are to learn and grow. What you don't do on your own, your dominant should train you, and that takes patience and work.... something that is in short supply with some who claim dominance but are really just looking for something to make their naughty bits tingly.
The reason I tell people to educate themselves is because if they are truly inexperienced, anything that they can learn on their own is going to assist their growth.
quote:
ORIGINAL: TigerKittenBBW
The daddy Dom knew I was married and that we are swinger's. When I agreed to be his girl he said that I had to get permission for anything sexual outside of with hubby. I interpreted that to mean "when I was with hubby", like at a swinger party or whatever, but he meant " sex with hubby only ".. I didn't tell him about a party we had decided to go to last weekend and then gave a bj to someone and didn't tell him until after the fact. He felt really hurt that I had not thought to tell him about the party in the first place. I think that is more what caused the problem than giving the bj. He would have been fine with it if I had had the mind set to communicate with him that we were going to something like that and it didn't even cross my mind, because I was with hubby. Now he feels that I don't have the ability to control my sexual urges to the extent that he needs.
I read two things into this:
1. Jealousy.
2. Laziness.
Let me explain the second. When I take someone on to train, I know they will not be perfect. That means they will make mistakes. A lot.
I expect that.
I watch for it.
I WANT it, actually, because mistakes are the easiest way to correct and grow a submissive.
When a mistake is made (this is entirely in my mind, at this point), I would say to the sub, "Let's talk about this. You did not know this would be an issue, or I may not have been clear, so I am not upset. Moving forward, here is what I would expect in this situation. Do you understand?"
Notice how I take responsibility for not being clear in whatever instructions I have given? Because although I may think I was clear, if you did not follow through, I would generally give you the benefit of the doubt (I picked you for a sub, after all) and believe that I was not clear, rather than you were being "bad."
But, that's me. And my world. And how I believe humans should be treated. *shrugs*
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