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SirRajah2 -> Hope and Love Shattered (2/21/2015 4:54:50 PM)
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I had hope and Love once, and this love, was all the love I had, was the granddaddy of all loves, I had never loved any woman like I loved this woman in my whole life. She was my world, my universe. She was the woman I would have without question stepped in front of a bullet. Then in a flash! She said “I don’t love you, I have never had romantic feelings for a man, I’ve never loved a man.” And in an instant it, HOPE for a future was gone, and my love was rejected thrown back at me like it was nothing, it shattered my heart. The hurt was and is so terrible you would have thought it just happened. You could not have hurt me any worse had you put my heart in the La Machine and pureed it.
Now this you say isn’t uncommon hope and love. It happens every day. It only took 40 years to get rid of the hate created from childhood abuse and to begin to learn to love and the first time I try... …
I was abused from the time I was 6 until 18, first the fondling and whippings with the razor strap then the sodomy and the beatings many times my head was beaten soft from the poundings and the kicking’s eye’s swollen shut and blackened, head misshapen, all from a loving doting father.
When my father would arrive home from the office my older sister would jump up into his arms and with her fake crocodile tears whiney shrilly little voice squeak out, “daddy he hit me,” pointing gleefully at me. And then watch with a huge smile on her face as he beat me to a pulp yelling, “You stupid son of a bitch, I keep telling you, you do not hit a woman.” And then toss me in the corner and as she would pass me laying on the floor she would stick her tongue out and laugh. I was 8 at the time.
It the abuse, never stopped, and by the time I was twelve my mother would drag me into her room and close and lock the door and as she did her strip-tease to complete nudity she would beat me with a sawed-off mop handle demanding that I tell her how beautiful she was. This stopped when I jumped from the second floor window and broke my leg.
I have two sisters 1 of whom I haven’t talked to in 55 years the other I talk to for 10 minutes on my birthday. My mother is still alive I have not talked to her since I was 15 you can imagine why I don’t.
At 16 I tried to commit suicide to escape the abuse and failed. When my wonderful parents came into the room at the hospital the first words my father spoke to the doctor were and I quote, “will the SOB, LIVE.” the doctor shook his head and left the room and then looked at me, shook his head, “boy you sure know how to fuck up a good game of golf,” and with that said he left.
My wonderful mother comes in throws her mink coat on the chair sits down and mumbles to herself for the next 3 hours before she leaves seems she had a 6 no- trump bridge game at the club and was called to the hospital I got out of the hospital a week later and a taxi with our maid was waiting for me at the entrance no parents in sight.
Now that is the back ground:
I was never taught how to love or use any other emotions, however I sure was taught how to hate! And for 50 years I hated, I hated–everything so after seeing a psyche, and them telling me “your are broken and we don’t have enough time to fix you it has worked for 55 years keep doing what you are doing.” I was tired of doing it.
I tore down the walls that protected me and tried out these new emotions. As a kid you are taught to love and to empathize and sympathize and all the other emotions and you have 14 years to perfect them the only one I knew was hate.
So these new emotions were raw and new I don’t know how to empathize a little or sympathize a little it’s all full bore I can’t watch the commercials on TV about children or animals hurt or hungry. I can’t stand to see people hurt. I can come to the dungeon and see people whipped and flogged; because I know they are enjoying the pain they feel.
I don’t know how to love in degrees I love all out to the core, I don’t know how to be fond or tender or affectionate or doting of someone, which are all degrees of love, so I try to either not love at all.
However I fell totally in LOVE and my heart has a hole in it which you can push the moon through and I don’t know how to fix it. I am at a loss I feel so empty. I am not a religious man and I asked God to Take! Me so I would stop hurting.
I wish she had been honest with me and told me the truth about herself when she became my submissive. I never would have fallen in love with her. As it is I hurt and wish I were no more. Maybe I will be no more it sure beats the way I feel now.
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