RE: Safe word <3 (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

caelestis -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/24/2015 8:39:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MalcolmNathaniel

FR: Very few of the people here who said they don't have a safe word convinced me. "Stop" is a safe word. "Enough" is a safe word.

Trusting the other person to be aware at all times is dangerous. Just like there is a thing called sub-space there is a thing called top-space. It is entirely possible for your dom to need to be snapped out of it if he is actually, for real, hurting you. This especially true in edge-play.


I've used both of those words before and he hasn't stopped. If he doesn't want to stop, he doesn't unless I inform him that there is a bad, unintended pain happening. Then sometimes he just fixes that issue then goes on. He decides when I've had enough, and that makes both of us happy. I've got a 24/7 CNC relationship, some people consider that on it's own edge play.

As far as him needing "to be snapped out of it" I wouldn't be in this kind of relationship if he so easily lost control of himself. Just like he expects me to still communicate issues when I'm in subspace, I expect him to listen when I communicate issues. I imagine someone that lost control in this way wouldn't necessarily be someone who acknowledged a safe word anyway and isn't someone I'd risk playing with.



ResidentSadist -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/24/2015 8:59:03 PM)

No safeword here. In our "edgeplay" the gear and/or acts are the means by which we emotionally connect. It is a very empathetic connection and we read each other very well. No safeword needed because I know what she feels by her body language, her breathing, the look in her eyes, the arch of her back, the curling of her toes and the sound of her moans.

The same goes when playing with someone new. We "play" with them because we want to connect with them. And I like feedback . . . plain English works just fine. I want hear "oh my god that feels good" or "Sir, I think my uterus just fell off."

I like when sacrifice is part of edgeplay. I like it when their pain is not sexually or physically pleasant and they endure suffering for me. Pain is considered an emotional response. For example when you cut yourself and don't know it, but when you see the cut, only then does it start to hurt. So the "limits" at the point someone would normally use a safeword are set by their emotional response. If you are emotionally connected and loaded with endorphins, their limits are changed and dissolved by the depth of the emotional connection. When we are connected like that, she is able and willing to experience things that would be damaging. I have to use my judgment to guide our "play" and not damage her. The depth of our emotional connection is far greater than the limits of her flesh.

On rare occasion I will help a friend top their play partner, I think a safeword is appropriate. In those cases where I am not familiar with my play partner, their Dom usually tells me what queues to look for like open hand vs fist, curling toes and etc. They also outline the framework to play within.

So I think safewords are a form of communication and communication is important. But in my relationship(s), our communication isn't done with a safeword, it's by other means.



GotSteel -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/26/2015 2:06:10 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MalcolmNathaniel
FR: Very few of the people here who said they don't have a safe word convinced me. "Stop" is a safe word. "Enough" is a safe word.


I think there's a couple of different conversations going on here. To me and it seems most others here "safeword" is a sort of magic word that makes the scene stop instead of using normal communication. As such some here are saying they don't have a specific magic word and simply communicate normally using the full english language. Others are saying that not only is there no magic word there's no any kind of words, the dom decides when the scene stops and that's it.

I would agree that those two groups mean VERY different things when they say "we don't have a safeword" but I would disagree with you in that I think that both groups are making true statements when they say "we don't have a safeword".



shiftyw -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/26/2015 2:47:48 PM)

I have been thinking about this.

Maybe I like a safeword so it can't be construed as something that was part of the scene after. You can't pretend you thought stop meant more, if I'm not screaming stop. But in the end I don't think it really matters anyways, of someone is going to break your consent, they are just going to do it.


This type of conversation makes me feel like...I'm incapable of the level of trust. Perhaps meaning I should stop engaging in this, or even just stop having sex. Idk- it puts me in a weird mood.



oldspankster -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/26/2015 6:31:12 PM)

It depends on your play level some.

Personally I like safe words.

But does not have to be words at all.

Sometimes holding a scarf, and if it hits the floor, it's time to reevaluate.



Bhruic -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/27/2015 8:11:11 AM)

If the definition of a safe word is something you can say to your partner to let them know that you want to stop, that you are in distress, or that something is wrong, then probably everyone has a safe word... for some it will simply be "no" or "stop" or some everyday way of communication.

For people who enjoy role play, where begging or resistance is part of the play, obviously "no" or "stop" don't make good safe words, as they are part of the scene... then you choose some unusual word so your partner knows when there is something wrong or you want to stop.

Then there are those who say their sub/slave is not permitted to stop the scene when they are in distress or something is wrong, because they have an infallible ability to intuitively know when such a thing is happening. They, of course, do not need a safe word, because they are not playing safe.

... That's not a judgement, just a statement. Like tightrope walkers who uses no safety equipment. They rely on their skill and experience, and consider it safe therefore. Safety equipment would ruin the thrill. That's their prerogative. But the unanticipated sometimes happens, and it doesn't end well.



crazyml -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/27/2015 9:08:33 AM)

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself!

Safewords can be really useful, and in some situations/relationships/scenes they can be vital.

Of course in other situations/relationships/scenes they may be completely redundant.

In my younger, way more promiscuous, years safewords were as much a protection for me as they were my partner.

In longer term relationships, they've nearly always become redundant, but there are exceptions - Some people have had experiences in the past, or have reactions to play that make it difficult (if not impossible) to express a desire for things to stop. There's no fault in that, and a person would have to be a bit of a dick to be disrespectful of that.

Of course, if I had a playmate safeword on me, after stopping at once, I'd want to get to the bottom of how I didn't manage to pick up on her distress, but I had a brilliant relationship with one girl who occasionally reacted to a scene in a way that wasn't predictable, and a safeword was very handy.



MariaB -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/27/2015 9:14:25 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic

If the definition of a safe word is something you can say to your partner to let them know that you want to stop, that you are in distress, or that something is wrong, then probably everyone has a safe word... for some it will simply be "no" or "stop" or some everyday way of communication.

For people who enjoy role play, where begging or resistance is part of the play, obviously "no" or "stop" don't make good safe words, as they are part of the scene... then you choose some unusual word so your partner knows when there is something wrong or you want to stop.

Then there are those who say their sub/slave is not permitted to stop the scene when they are in distress or something is wrong, because they have an infallible ability to intuitively know when such a thing is happening. They, of course, do not need a safe word, because they are not playing safe.

... That's not a judgement, just a statement. Like tightrope walkers who uses no safety equipment. They rely on their skill and experience, and consider it safe therefore. Safety equipment would ruin the thrill. That's their prerogative. But the unanticipated sometimes happens, and it doesn't end well.



^this^
I also wanted to pick up on something another poster said about the possible dangers of ‘Dom Space’. I can only imagine that some submissive types imagine ‘Dom Space’ to be something akin to ‘Sub Space’. I can’t talk for all dominants, only for myself and many other dominants I’ve talked to over the years. ‘Dom Space’ for me/us is a place where we become so utterly focused on our subject. Its encapsulating, as though you have gone into a mutual bubble and just like a dressage horse and rider, you dance together in harmony. You don’t space out, you don’t have difficulty communicating, in fact your communication is going to be more tuned in than ever before. Dom space for me is the true partnership between submissive and dominant and shouldn’t be confused or related to sub space.




MariaB -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/27/2015 9:30:52 AM)

Some submissives are overly hesitant about using a ‘safe word’ even when things are getting pretty unbearable and I’ve always found that worrying. Like crazyml said, ‘safe words’ can be as much protection for the dominant as they are for the submissive. No decent dominant wants their submissive whimpering in a corner when play has finished, accusing them of over stepping the mark. This is about mutual enjoyment at different ends of the scale and any dominant with an ounce of worth would be devastated to know they had really caused a person harm.

I’ve had people ‘safe word’ with me on quite a few occasions, which isn’t surprising as my play can be very edgy, but those submissives all know that at the point of that safe word, whatever I’m doing stops, I check in to ensure they are okay and then, if we are both happy, we divert the scene to something other than what we were doing. The use of a ‘safe word’ doesn’t mean all play has to stop and so using it isn’t a cop out but often just a signal that we need a diversion.



camille65 -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/27/2015 9:34:45 AM)

We don't do edge play due to my health issues but at any time I can freely tell him it is too much. We've never had an official safe word or even discussed it because we've (or really I've) never felt the need for one. There have only been a couple of times where my pain level couldn't tolerate play so I told him when it veered toward 'bad' and he stopped. Thankfully there has never been any negative results from him, just understanding.

He pushes me in different ways other than pain.



caelestis -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/27/2015 10:03:44 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB


quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic

If the definition of a safe word is something you can say to your partner to let them know that you want to stop, that you are in distress, or that something is wrong, then probably everyone has a safe word... for some it will simply be "no" or "stop" or some everyday way of communication.

For people who enjoy role play, where begging or resistance is part of the play, obviously "no" or "stop" don't make good safe words, as they are part of the scene... then you choose some unusual word so your partner knows when there is something wrong or you want to stop.

Then there are those who say their sub/slave is not permitted to stop the scene when they are in distress or something is wrong, because they have an infallible ability to intuitively know when such a thing is happening. They, of course, do not need a safe word, because they are not playing safe.

... That's not a judgement, just a statement. Like tightrope walkers who uses no safety equipment. They rely on their skill and experience, and consider it safe therefore. Safety equipment would ruin the thrill. That's their prerogative. But the unanticipated sometimes happens, and it doesn't end well.



^this^
I also wanted to pick up on something another poster said about the possible dangers of ‘Dom Space’. I can only imagine that some submissive types imagine ‘Dom Space’ to be something akin to ‘Sub Space’. I can’t talk for all dominants, only for myself and many other dominants I’ve talked to over the years. ‘Dom Space’ for me/us is a place where we become so utterly focused on our subject. Its encapsulating, as though you have gone into a mutual bubble and just like a dressage horse and rider, you dance together in harmony. You don’t space out, you don’t have difficulty communicating, in fact your communication is going to be more tuned in than ever before. Dom space for me is the true partnership between submissive and dominant and shouldn’t be confused or related to sub space.




This is how I've always heard it described by people who I've played with, and I've topped a bit and gotten a little taste of it. This is why I trust my Master, and why we can play the way we do. When we're both in our respective headspaces communication flows so easily. There have been times where he's been able to tell what's wrong from just a whimper/wiggle. Granted, I still can't recommend our style of play for many, and especially not for those who are playing more casually. It could easily be disastrous
.



GoddessManko -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/27/2015 10:10:21 AM)

Thinking it through I think the reason I have never required a safe word is because I like a variation of things going on at the same time. So I won't be doing an hour long whipping session in other words. Once my sub hits subspace and I'm deep into Dommespace I stop. Two hours seems to be how long my play lasts consistently. I check the time before and after.



MistressFiera -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/27/2015 3:25:50 PM)

I am glad you asked this question! I have a lot of experience with electric sounds and one night I wanted to really push my submissive hard.

Everyone talks about safe words and even though I have NEVER heard him call a safe word he has always known he has one. We have been together nearly 5 years.

So on this particular night I was in the middle of my scene and the sound was already in his penis and he is doing really well on level 6 when I decided that he could go higher. Since that was the case I wanted to not only go to level 8 on my TENS unit but I wanted to stay between a 6-8 for a longer time than usual. It was at that moment that it occurred to me that here I have a guy loving this but literally screaming bloody murder. How am I going to push this guy and know if he is still consenting? Would he remember his safe words? Was it the right thing to do? I was the one in charge so I was the one who had to live with my decision. I really debated it in my mind.

I remembered times when I really thought I was pushing him with some other implement and he would later say oh I wish you'd done more needles or you could have paddled me longer I was really flying and I wished you hadn't stopped.

Okay so I looked in his eyes and I pointed my finger into his eyes and then back into mine making sure he held perfect eye contact. My last thought before I turned up the electricity was I have to trust him. I have to trust that he will call if he has to. We held eye contact very closely and I have to say that I have the image of his eyes burned into my mind forever. He was grunting and pushing himself hard all the way through it and he totally did it and we both regard that scene as a very successful scene but man it was a hard decision to make. We have had many conversations about that scene and if he felt I did the right thing to press on.

He says that he trusted me to be able to read him. Because of the level of pain I told him I just wasn't sure if I would recognize love it or hate it. I told him I chose to trust him and just watch him like a hawk. He said that he would have told me if he couldn't handle it. So it was because of that scene that I realized that even the longtime hard players need safe words. I felt at that moment more than any other EVER that I hoped like hell he would use his colors if he had to because if he could not do that much for me then he would not get to go that high again because I would never be able to be sure I had his consent.

There is no shame in using a safe word and if you decide to use them then use it when you need to. Not doing so is a violation of trust in my opinion. As a dominant I need it to keep you safe. Submissives do like to be pushed when they are ready for it and when that time comes you want to be in a position that every one in the scene knows that they can trust you to do the right thing whether you are on top or bottom. Though another thing I have learned is that there is always next time so if I had decided not to push harder, that would have been okay too!



ExiledTyrant -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/27/2015 3:29:59 PM)

It's just easier for me to ask "Is it safe".

[img]http://www.marlerblog.com/uploads/image/Szell.jpg[/img]



sexyred1 -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/27/2015 3:35:40 PM)

I don't know why everyone considers it a badge of honor to not have a safeword.

I guess no one ever went too far with you, someone you trusted for years, but they decided their excitement was more important than your safety.

I guess no one ever used their safe word and had it ignored.

I guess no one ever had to go to the hospital a few days after having their safeword ignored.



littleladybug -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/27/2015 3:42:48 PM)

Having a safeword is no guarantee that things won't go too far.

I personally wouldn't think that a safeword would be any shield against abuse. If someone is going to do what they are going to do regardless, saying "red" ain't gonna stop things.

Where it does work, in my experience, is with someone who is on the same page that I am-- who is taking into account my own pleasure in what is going on. If someone is going to go too far, no safeword is going to help.



stef -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/27/2015 4:23:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug

Having a safeword is no guarantee that things won't go too far.

LIES! Of course it will keep you safe, they couldn't call it a safeword if it didn't!



LookieNoNookie -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/27/2015 5:25:47 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: InkedupKitty

Does anyone else not have a safe word? And why?
And if you do, what's yours?
If I can get my hands to him I just tap a few times.
Other than that he seems to know if/when to stop.

Really should consider one, I'm still only playing around with light stuff <3


Mine is....."MORE MONEY!!!!!"

(I blame m'sef).



SeekingTrinity -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/27/2015 6:33:03 PM)

~FRing it~

For me, not having a safe word doesn't mean Im more badass. It doesn't mean Im more hardcore. I honestly just haven't ever been pushed to a point with my guy where I felt I needed to stop what was going on. We don't have it because we just don't felt the need for one. But I do know that if he ever said hold on or that he was in pain, Id stop shit immediately. Same thing goes for him if I ever indicated in any way that I was in any sort of distress.

And those who need/want/have one in their dynamic definitely shouldn't feel like they aren't badass or that they aren't hardcore. In all honesty, it's admirable that you (general you) have a way of chilling things out with your partner if you need one. And that they respect and care for you enough to honor it.

I always keep in mind that a safe word is only as good as the person who honors it if you use it.



satanscharmer -> RE: Safe word <3 (2/27/2015 7:18:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I don't know why everyone considers it a badge of honor to not have a safeword.

I guess no one ever went too far with you, someone you trusted for years, but they decided their excitement was more important than your safety.

I guess no one ever used their safe word and had it ignored.

I guess no one ever had to go to the hospital a few days after having their safeword ignored.



I don't consider it a badge of honor.
Those cases above isn't a matter of safe word vs. no safe word, it's a matter of being with a jerk, or idiot, or an abuser...IMHO.




Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.078125