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I need some help. - 2/24/2015 9:35:53 AM

Bigbywolf87

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/22/2015
Status: offline

Im unsure where to start... I want to find a girl to be my mate. One who is in the lifestyle and can help me grow and will stay with me. A monogamous relationship. I want someone who I can be dominate with, but can and is willing to sometimes put me in my place. But id also like Some, I dont want to say normal Cause nothing is normal, relationship when in public. going bowling, to a movie, out to dinner, travel.... that sort of thing.

I dont know where to start or how to find someone like that and when I do no one ever responds to me or they are professional doms only interested in money. I know I can be shy at first til I get to know someone. But still I'm at a loss and would appreciate any help. Thanks.

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RE: I need some help. - 2/24/2015 11:25:05 AM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bigbywolf87

Im unsure where to start... I want to find a girl to be my mate. One who is in the lifestyle and can help me grow and will stay with me. A monogamous relationship. I want someone who I can be dominate with, but can and is willing to sometimes put me in my place. But id also like Some, I dont want to say normal Cause nothing is normal, relationship when in public. going bowling, to a movie, out to dinner, travel.... that sort of thing.

I dont know where to start or how to find someone like that and when I do no one ever responds to me or they are professional doms only interested in money. I know I can be shy at first til I get to know someone. But still I'm at a loss and would appreciate any help. Thanks.

First and foremost, be yourself. Don't try to be something you are not.

Second, educate yourself on BDSM, do some reading. Here is a good reading list of some informative books: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

Third, and this is admittedly nit picky on my part and I apologize in advance... you can dominate someone, but you cannot be dominate. You can be dominant. I point this out because it is a common mistake, and if you don't know the difference, and misuse it in your communication, you might put someone off by it.

Fourth... your profile needs a bit of work... perhaps a lot of work. If you want suggestions I would be happy to offer them.

Fifth, what you are looking for as far as a relationship outside the confines of BDSM is perfectly OK. I go out and do things with my lady all the time... it's called life and enjoying the company of your partner. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. That said, you should decide if that means you want a bedroom only dynamic or only when the two of you are alone as opposed to the 24/7 type of dynamic. (I wish I could find better wording for this paragraph... but my brain isn't functioning well today.)

Finally, relax a little, don't be in a rush and take your time. Perhaps get involved in your local scene, or something like that. You'll find the person, it may take time, but understanding that will help you prevent yourself from stubbing your toe by rushing in to something.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Bigbywolf87)

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RE: I need some help. - 2/24/2015 12:14:52 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You meet women wherever you normally meet women. You date and see if there's enough liking to progress in a relationship. You talk about what you like sexually or in a relationship in exactly the same way you talk about what food you do or don't like or whether or not you hold compatible political views.

If your shyness is crippling then I would suggest getting treatment for your social anxiety. If it's lack of skill talking to others, then I'd suggest joining Toastmasters.

Fix what needs fixing. However if you want to be the person with the ultimate authority in the relationship then you need to demonstrate that you can be trusted with it. If you can't then don't expect a high quality partner to give you trust that you don't merit.

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RE: I need some help. - 2/24/2015 12:45:58 PM

Bigbywolf87

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/22/2015
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Im bad with phrasing and choosing words.

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RE: I need some help. - 2/24/2015 12:49:05 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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Many of us are, and girls will roll their eyes, but understand.

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RE: I need some help. - 2/24/2015 1:33:14 PM

Bigbywolf87

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/22/2015
Status: offline

Guage... id love all the advice I can gEt.et.

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RE: I need some help. - 2/27/2015 5:21:34 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bigbywolf87

Im unsure where to start... I want to find a girl to be my mate. One who is in the lifestyle and can help me grow and will stay with me. A monogamous relationship. I want someone who I can be dominate (dominant) with, but can and is willing to sometimes put me in my place (sounds like a sub to me). But id also like Some, I dont want to say normal Cause nothing is normal, relationship when in public. going bowling, to a movie, out to dinner, travel.... that sort of thing.

I dont know where to start or how to find someone like that and when I do no one ever responds to me or they are professional doms only interested in money. I know I can be shy at first til I get to know someone. But still I'm at a loss and would appreciate any help. Thanks.

You are a conundrum.

You want to Dom a woman, but you want her to dominate you.

You want a "normal" relationship (which most kink relationships aim for....public....perfect couple...behind closed doors....something else)...holding hands...love....friendship....not even remotely (in my opinion) any kind of quandary.

Yet....conundrum indeed.

I think there's a smidge of introspection called for here.

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RE: I need some help. - 2/28/2015 10:40:31 AM

MistressFiera

Posts: 18
Joined: 12/17/2010
Status: offline

My advise is two fold. First thing is that you want to KNOW yourself and get some experience. Therefore during that time just think of yourself as in preparation for what you need to be a good dominant and submissive. If you PM me in the messaging area I will help you with that part. The second thing to do is get you into real life so that you can meet "friends" not girlfriends. Have patience. That is a strong quality in a dominant but moreover you need time because first you have to learn. When this works out for you and it will, you will be in a position to help others as I am helping you now.

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

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RE: I need some help. - 2/28/2015 10:45:32 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
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Hey,

As it happens the fact that you're looking for a relationship that functions in a <quotes>normal</quotes> way is a positive advantage - it sets you apart from the dudes who some here assuming that all the women are exclusively here to cater for their sexual needs.

I took a peek at your profile, and it's not too shabby at all.

I think you need to bear in mind that it is likely to take time. You're likely to encounter some really positive beginnings that turn out to be nothing... it's a relatively long haul, and it can be frustrating at times.

Be true to you, don't let your expectations rise to high, and be patient.

You'll be fine.

(Oh... and all the excellent advice you've already had as well!).

ML

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RE: I need some help. - 2/28/2015 10:49:20 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bigbywolf87

Im unsure where to start... I want to find a girl to be my mate. One who is in the lifestyle and can help me grow and will stay with me. A monogamous relationship. I want someone who I can be dominate (dominant) with, but can and is willing to sometimes put me in my place (sounds like a sub to me). But id also like Some, I dont want to say normal Cause nothing is normal, relationship when in public. going bowling, to a movie, out to dinner, travel.... that sort of thing.

I dont know where to start or how to find someone like that and when I do no one ever responds to me or they are professional doms only interested in money. I know I can be shy at first til I get to know someone. But still I'm at a loss and would appreciate any help. Thanks.

You are a conundrum.

You want to Dom a woman, but you want her to dominate you.

You want a "normal" relationship (which most kink relationships aim for....public....perfect couple...behind closed doors....something else)...holding hands...love....friendship....not even remotely (in my opinion) any kind of quandary.

Yet....conundrum indeed.

I think there's a smidge of introspection called for here.

I don't think so. I think that in terms of kinky fuckery, he's a switch.
Nothing odd about that.

Don't know if you've ever been in a d/s relationship Lookie, can't remember you talking about it. But here, it is a normal relationship. This morning we went out for breakfast, then ran errands. Came home and I'm doing laundry, The Man is planning to change the belt in his son's car. Later, we'll play and then have dinner followed by watching tv. He told me to do the laundry, he decided we should go to the auto parts store, etc.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

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RE: I need some help. - 2/28/2015 11:17:02 AM

IcarusBurning

Posts: 107
Joined: 2/1/2015
Status: offline

Hello Dear

I guess I understand what you are talking about, partly because I come from a society where (most sadly) something as mundane as dating is frowned upon, and people are absolutely mum about their sexual preferences. To be honest, sometimes I feel a little out of place when I read all the advice about going out , meeting people and talking about preferences. Of course thats very sensible advice, just that it works much less in some parts of the world. Sigh.

I feel the key is to be patient and educate yourself. If you were in a vanilla relationship, you would not hope to meet the love of your life in a day. The same holds in this corner of the world too. Give it time, explore carefully and build trust. I find women tend not to open up to you until they have built significant trust with you at a vanilla level or as a friend. Respect that, it comes from a well-meaning and genuine background of someone who is indeed looking to invest time and effort for something long term.

Dont judge the world by the lack of responses on here. On one hand there are too many fakers you should be glad that never replied. On the other, CSP does not represent the universe of kinksters in this world. It is possible and perhaps even rewarding to meet someone the old-fashioned way and gradually discover that you have similar "monsters lurking within you", if I may use the term without attracting flak. This only comes with trust, and for that, invest in yourself. Build yourself to be the man you would be proud and inspired to meet yourself, and others will follow.

(in reply to DesFIP)

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RE: I need some help. - 3/4/2015 9:52:59 AM

Bigbywolf87

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/22/2015
Status: offline

This is all wonderfuL advice.

(in reply to IcarusBurning)

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RE: I need some help. - 3/5/2015 7:24:32 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bigbywolf87

Im unsure where to start... I want to find a girl to be my mate. One who is in the lifestyle and can help me grow and will stay with me. A monogamous relationship. I want someone who I can be dominate (dominant) with, but can and is willing to sometimes put me in my place (which is not even remotely dominant). But id also like (S)ome, I dont want to say normal Cause ("because") nothing is normal, relationship when in public. going bowling, to a movie, out to dinner, travel.... that sort of thing.

I dont know where to start or how to find someone like that and when I do no one ever responds to me or they are professional doms only interested in money. I know I can be shy at first til I get to know someone. But still I'm at a loss and would appreciate any help. Thanks.