specifying use subs & slaves

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TonyasFamily -> specifying use subs & slaves (3/2/2015 6:39:47 AM)
So many people are looking for a Dom/me as a slave and telling the Dom/me what should be done with them. These people I do not have a concept of what a slave is and can do. There really is a difference between sub and slave. If you want control over how you're used, become a sub instead, its easier. Slaves have what is known as Consensual Non-consent which means that they sign up to be used whatever way they want, not the slave. I told my Mistress politely what I would like, saying things like if it pleases you rather than that she WILL do blah blah blah. No one likes someone who tops from the bottom. The slave can make suggestions, but have no rights to order their Masters and Mistresses around and no rights to put words in their mouths. Subs on the other hand while still not able to top from the bottom they have more control over how they may be used. Please choose sub or slave as your role wisely What I have said here does not necessarily reflect the opinions of my Mistress or anyone else. Sincerely, slave rose

TonyasFamily -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/2/2015 6:41:05 AM)
The above picture is of my Mistress. Sincerely, slave rose

UnholyBear -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/2/2015 7:12:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TonyasFamily So many people are looking for a Dom/me as a slave and telling the Dom/me what should be done with them. These people I do not have a concept of what a slave is and can do. There really is a difference between sub and slave. If you want control over how you're used, become a sub instead, its easier. Slaves have what is known as Consensual Non-consent which means that they sign up to be used whatever way they want, not the slave. I told my Mistress politely what I would like, saying things like if it pleases you rather than that she WILL do blah blah blah. No one likes someone who tops from the bottom. The slave can make suggestions, but have no rights to order their Masters and Mistresses around and no rights to put words in their mouths. Subs on the other hand while still not able to top from the bottom they have more control over how they may be used. Please choose sub or slave as your role wisely What I have said here does not necessarily reflect the opinions of my Mistress or anyone else. Sincerely, slave rose Yet you also must keep in mind that any person who is new and just starting out in this has no solid idea to what they want. That comes with time and experience. It takes time to learn more precisely what they want, what type of relationship dynamic they actually want opposed to a fantasy, being able to distinguish between their needs and wants. It's fine for us who have been in D/s dynamics for some time now as we learned all that already. We know or at least have a good concept to how a healthy D/s relationship should be in relation to what works for us alone. Even when a person identifies as submissive, they still don't "order" their dom on what to do, what not to do etc. They make suggestions and the dom still determines whether to enact those suggestions or not...and even then it highly depends on how they work their dynamic based on what they need and want.

littleladybug -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/2/2015 7:14:40 AM)
The beautiful thing about this thing that we do is that people can define it for themselves. In terms of "rights" and other parameters in a relationship, that's for the people within it to decide. I've spoken with many people who have M/s relationships and do not engage in CNC. It's just one way to do things, but certainly not the only way. You have mentioned to "choose sub or slave as your role wisely"-- I would say it's way more important to choose your partner wisely. Seeing as there's no "right" way to do things, except for what we determine for ourselves, interpersonal compatibility seems to be of paramount importance, no?

DarkSteven -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/2/2015 7:26:57 AM)
Labels are wonderful things. They permit me to glance at someone, read the label, and have a good idea of how they relate to those they're in a relationship with. However, the labels are there to serve us. Not the other way around. Adjusting a relationship dynamic to better suit one or more of the involved parties is fine. Adjusting it solely for the labels to fit better, is not.

DesFIP -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/2/2015 7:39:55 AM)
Gee, so now I have to tell The Man he's doing it all wrong because he does what he wants, not what some stranger on the net thinks he should do. Just because the op isn't allowed to screech 'no fucking way' doesn't mean that no one else can in the heat of the moment. And if you think anyone speaking honestly and from the heart is tftb, then I'm sorry for you. Here there's no such thing, there's just communication. But he isn't so insecure that me saying anything without prefacing it with 'if you please master of the universe' is going to automatically garner a bad reaction.

GoddessManko -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/2/2015 8:35:41 AM)
Specifying use is hard for me but knowing my parameters helps me extensively because I like to venture in any given direction at any time and I think part of the fun is the element of surprise. I see my search for a suitable companion as net casting. i cast my net far and wide and I make those ensnared very comfortable because in comfort there is honesty. From there I begin my process of elimination and many get eliminated very quickly. I think the problem with many is this; "If you find yourself unable to find the quintessential, some self examining is in order". A male sub was using the "people are so...blah blah blah" as the reason he is frustrated or hitting a wall. Well to even start with "people are so" in itself is offputting, seen as scapegoating and eliminated you. Period.

Gauge -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/2/2015 9:25:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TonyasFamily So many people are looking for a Dom/me as a slave and telling the Dom/me what should be done with them. These people I do not have a concept of what a slave is and can do. There really is a difference between sub and slave. If you want control over how you're used, become a sub instead, its easier. Slaves have what is known as Consensual Non-consent which means that they sign up to be used whatever way they want, not the slave. I told my Mistress politely what I would like, saying things like if it pleases you rather than that she WILL do blah blah blah. No one likes someone who tops from the bottom. The slave can make suggestions, but have no rights to order their Masters and Mistresses around and no rights to put words in their mouths. Subs on the other hand while still not able to top from the bottom they have more control over how they may be used. Please choose sub or slave as your role wisely What I have said here does not necessarily reflect the opinions of my Mistress or anyone else. Sincerely, slave rose There is a period of time in my world where no roles exist, the dynamic goes on hold in favor of communication. This period of time is used for open communication of limits, problems or anything that needs tweaking in our relationship. If she came to me throwing rose petals at my feet and gushing, "If it pleases you Sir, I would like to let you know that when you make me stand up with my hands above my head, I get lightheaded. If it pleases you Sir, I do not wish to do that anymore." I would not be happy with the way she told me. Perhaps my example is not the best, but the principle is the same. Just remember one thing, the best dynamic in the world is the one that works for you. The important part of that statement is "works for YOU" meaning that whatever is working for you, may not work for someone else and their chosen dynamic. If life were filled with cookie-cutter people in cookie-cutter lives, our existence would be dull and... well... cookie-cutter. Glad your dynamic is working for you. Mine is working for me. Others have ones that work for them. Enjoy it.

orgasmdenial12 -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/2/2015 11:06:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TonyasFamily Slaves have what is known as Consensual Non-consent Yeah, except that no, not all of them do. I personally think that consensual non-consent is semantically illogical and that it unfairly transfers the blame for play onto the Dom. (i.e. he made me do it, I didn't have a choice... ) My personal viewpoint is that I give irrevocable consent, meaning that no matter what happens, it is always consensual, because I have consented to it. I see it sort of like a credit card; the payments may irritate me, they may even hurt me, financially, but because I consented to it, it's still consensual, even when I don't like it. Saying that all slaves have CNC really shows up the naivete and limitations of your knowledge regarding BDSM and it makes me question why you think it is appropriate to lecture others about what they should or should not be, when you have such little understanding of how BDSM already is?

DesFIP -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/2/2015 6:51:44 PM)
And if you take time to know the other person before committing, to discovering that you truly are compatible, then you get to do what you both enjoy. I'm so tired of people who assume that being submissive means you have to be miserable.

AlabamaPrincess -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/3/2015 6:24:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I'm so tired of people who assume that being submissive means you have to be miserable. This. It took a long time for my girlfriends to understand that just because I chose to submit, it did not mean I was a miserable doormat who allowed Him to do as He wished, and to be ordered around like a robot.

peppermint -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/3/2015 8:04:39 AM)
Are we talking about your definition of sub and slave, or my definition of sub and slave, or UnholyBear's definition of sub and slave, or DarkSteven's definition of sub and slave, or DesFIP's definition of sub and slave, etc? Some people tell me I'm a slave, I tell them they are nuts as Gary is not a Master. Seems your clear I am very glad you stated in your last sentence that what you said was just an opinion. Made me feel much better to know that you realize you might not be right.

oldspankster -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/3/2015 12:03:24 PM)
Sub or slave, are really only labels. Most all people in the "lifestyle' are either Dominate or submissive. I don't think it is something you *c h o o s e* to be. It is your *personality* (for the lack of a better term) that dictates whether you are a Dom or a sub/slave. Things can develop beyond those terms, but it is 'what you are inside' that determines your role. IMO

tiggerspoohbear -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/3/2015 12:43:42 PM)
Spankster, just an FYI. Dominate is the verb, Dominant is the noun. It's a small thing, and not intended as a criticism, just like submit it is the verb, submissive is the noun. [:)]

vivaciousgrace -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/6/2015 12:19:00 PM)
Its no different to any other relationship... first things first. Find someone you are compatible with. Would I give complete consent to do anything to someone who loves watersports, humiliation and gags? HELL NO! I hate those things and my life would be awful. Would I give complete anything goes consent to someone I knew loved anal play, bondage, impact play and any of the other things I secretly crave him doing to me? Yes if I knew him very well and trusted him completely to get it right and respect my limits. I actually identify as a switch. But submissive me loves CNC with the right partner. Can't remember the last time I used a safe word. My lovely trusted gentlemen often have the green light to do as they please, and I often find myself desperately craving particular things but unless he asks what he does is his choice. I trust them to read me well enough to know what is ok and what isn't. The safe word is my back up plan should there be a communication failure. Not everyone likes my requirement that we take time to get to know each other well and build trust slowly. But it works well for me :)

vivaciousgrace -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/6/2015 12:45:30 PM)
Hmmmm coming back to this because I have given it some more thought. I don't seek to control how I am used. I do offer up a menu. Its a pretty big menu. Everything on the menu is available in any combination that my partner may desire and I actually WANT them to try new combinations and new approaches to all of those things and to help me explore them completely. I offer up my limits, and a few health and safety pointers (I have a heart defect) because they need to be taken into consideration. I offer the opportunity to carefully explore new things together. (think of this as "The specials menu" :) I offer friendship, companionship, openness honesty, my mischievous sense of humour and my eagerness to please. I retain my autonomy. I retain the right to review the menu from time to time though I am more in the habit of adding to it than anything! :) I retain the right to call you a cunt if you don't respect my limits. I retain the right to walk away if you bring nothing positive or healthy to my life.

DesFIP -> RE: specifying use subs & slaves (3/6/2015 2:44:53 PM)
Too often people seem to think that slave or sub exists in a vacuum. That it isn't tied to one specific person. I'm his slave. I'm not a slave. And because I'm his I don't have to worry about limb lopping or him demanding I have sex with others. Because, yanno, compatibility and the fact that he's a damned smart man who doesn't do stupid shit.

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