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subordinance -> RE: Unrealistic and unsafe fantasies of subs / slaves? (4/24/2015 6:28:56 PM)
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When I was in my early 20s, I attended a dance for those into D/s and they had a show where a guy was flogging a woman, though it was so light that it was boring for all of us watching. The guys started calling out to the man doing the flogging to hit her harder. I could see that her behind was fairly pink and she sometimes buckled her knees a bit after being hit, like she just wanted to move out of the way of being the target. Instead of listening to us, the flogger spaced his hits further apart, hoping we wouldn't notice. Back then, I was naïve enough to be glad the guys were encouraging the flogger to do what we all so eagerly wanted him to do: lay into her. I now realize that the performers may have been selected due to their physical appearance more than their interest in this lifestyle, and the woman likely thought she could handle more than she could. In my youth, my own fantasies were so wild that I figured I could handle much more than I can. After all, belt whips don't actually hurt when you are only imagining them, and they have to escalate or the fantasy gets boring. I think some subs are so happy to discover a site where they can find others who share their kink that they jump in with both feet, as they are bored with vanilla relationships. There is also a desire amongst newbies to prove that they truly are a sub, which can lead to mistakes as well. My first year on collarchat, I was both eager and apprehensive. I wanted to meet doms, but I was paranoid that I might wind up being killed and then the news report would say I met a dom on a BDSM site, and the mostly vanilla audience would say "Well, that was stupid! What was she thinking? She must not have valued her life much to go looking for guys there!" News reports about a serial killer would always call him a "sexual sadist", which made me even more paranoid. These days, the general population understands the D/s kink a bit better, or at least accepts that the mere act of meeting somebody on a BDSM site should not be seen as taking an unreasonable risk. However, the shift in attitudes has also increased the risk for doms, as they get blamed for not reading the sub's mind. A good example is the movie 50 Shades of Grey, where Anastasia is the true sadist and Christian the true victim of abuse. She asks him to hurt her and then treats him like a criminal because he gave her exactly what she had requested. Newbies worry about what can go wrong and tend to overcompensate. These subs, assuming they are real, are worried that they will wind up with somebody too vanilla or that they will not be taken as serious subs, and they've had plenty of time for their overactive imaginations, combined with their youthful sense of invincibility to convince them they can handle more than they can. Some new doms may also go overboard, afraid they will not stand out in the crowd or be seen as a true dom unless they try to dominate from the getgo. When I first joined, I'd sometimes receive emails with what looked like crime scene photos from doms introducing themselves. The sub in those photos looked unmistakably miserable. Other doms are more worried about meeting the wrong sub, one whose fantasy involves having the dom arrested... for real! This is similar to my initial concern that I might meet a serial killer on collarchat, when I first arrived.
I appreciate this thread, as it shows an ability to empathize and see concerns from a sub's perspective. As bad as the movie was, believe it or not, the 50 shades movie helped me to realize that doms don't have it easy either. There are nightmare subs out there, flaky and entirely unable to make up their minds what they want, and eager to blame the dom when things go wrong after their own communication had been terribly misleading. The best doms I've met in life began as friends and their dominance increased as I got to know them, after I already felt safe around them. For example, when I was in middle school, I had stayed after school for an activity with a friend, and an older boy who had also stayed was waiting for his parents to come pick him up. He told us he was going to see if his mother's car was in the parking lot and instructed "Don't leave the building". In hindsight, I realize this instruction was because he feared the doors would lock behind us, but we chose to take the bossiness as a sign that he wanted to play around. After he left, I shoved my friend outside and held the doors shut while she struggled to get back in. He saw this and shouted "Hey! Stop that!" so I let go of the doors and my friend then grabbed me and shoved me out of the building and held the doors shut. He determinedly marched back to the school and she backed up against the wall, giggling and looking at him wide-eyed, so he yanked the door open and grabbed her shirt and shoved her against the wall to scold "I told you not to leave the building!" Giggling delightedly, we both came up with excuses and pointed out that one of us had technically been inside the building at all times. When his mother showed up, he immediately dropped the strict demeanor and, with a grin, told us "That's my Mom's car. See ya." This boy was usually such a friendly boy that we felt safe around him, so his dominance and eagerness to play came as a pleasant surprise. In real life, people are forced to move slowly, and they discover this kink in eachother in increments. So people are boring except for a hint here and there. On a site like this, the kink greets you first, and newbies often find this site because they already feel impatient about finding a partner, so it may take a while to meet the real them rather than the "want to be a sub now" them. Because they are adults, it might be best to let them be but, if you do want to say something, the best might be using some example scenarios and asking them if they truly are okay with it. For instance, I had never considered the use of clothespins until reading this thread, and I'd be a zero clothespins sub.
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