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trouble with titles/honorifics - 3/22/2015 6:05:08 PM

laes43

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So, I posted this question on another site in a group geared toward submissive women. But, I think I might also benefit from the D side as well.

I've been with my Dom for a few months. We only see each other once a week due to working around our primary relationships.
A little background on me: ive been interested in exploring my submissive side for about 13 years. My shyness and fear held me back. During that time I played around online a lot, read and researched a lot. All that said... it still didn't prepare me for doing this in real life. Well, it did in a lot of ways, but not in a mental/emotional way.
We started off slow, just like dating and such and have slowly started adding in elements of a D/s relationship.
unfortunately, I seem to me very stuck on remembering to use "Sir" in my replies. He doesn't require it at all times. Just that I use it when appropriate, and especially when given a direct order.
there are two issues at play.
1. Just flat out forgetting to use it. Like, if he tells me to do something I think I get so focused on doing it and doing it well, efficiently and correctly, that I don't verbally reapond to the order at all.
2. Sometimes he does remind me and when I respond "Sir" comes out in a near whisper.

I won't see him for a few weeks due to other obligations, but I'd really like to improve noticeably for the next time we are together.

Any advice, or relating similar experiences and how they were resolved would be much appreciated.
Thank you.
laes

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RE: trouble with titles/honorifics - 3/22/2015 7:47:28 PM

UnholyBear

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This is something which for most people, takes time for using honorifics to become second nature. In time and practice this will get easier and it's a matter of reminding yourself to address him as 'Sir" in those times when it is appropriate.

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RE: trouble with titles/honorifics - 3/22/2015 8:27:04 PM

Gauge

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quote:

ORIGINAL: laes43

So, I posted this question on another site in a group geared toward submissive women. But, I think I might also benefit from the D side as well.

I've been with my Dom for a few months. We only see each other once a week due to working around our primary relationships.
A little background on me: ive been interested in exploring my submissive side for about 13 years. My shyness and fear held me back. During that time I played around online a lot, read and researched a lot. All that said... it still didn't prepare me for doing this in real life. Well, it did in a lot of ways, but not in a mental/emotional way.
We started off slow, just like dating and such and have slowly started adding in elements of a D/s relationship.
unfortunately, I seem to me very stuck on remembering to use "Sir" in my replies. He doesn't require it at all times. Just that I use it when appropriate, and especially when given a direct order.
there are two issues at play.
1. Just flat out forgetting to use it. Like, if he tells me to do something I think I get so focused on doing it and doing it well, efficiently and correctly, that I don't verbally reapond to the order at all.
2. Sometimes he does remind me and when I respond "Sir" comes out in a near whisper.

I won't see him for a few weeks due to other obligations, but I'd really like to improve noticeably for the next time we are together.

Any advice, or relating similar experiences and how they were resolved would be much appreciated.
Thank you.
laes

Definitely I have some advice.

You must train yourself to respond the way he wants. Look, you didn't start out as a child saying "please and "thank you" for things, you had to be trained to do so. So this is going to take some practice on your part and some reinforcement from your dominant. How that practice and reinforcement takes place is solely up to you and your dominant, that is your choice, but your responsibility in this is to do it more and make a concentrated effort to achieve what he wishes from you.

quote:

He doesn't require it at all times. Just that I use it when appropriate, and especially when given a direct order.

OK, here is where he must be consistent with you and tell you when, exactly, it is required by him. If it is direct orders, then fine, before you do what he asks you to do, say "Yes Sir" and then do what it is he asks. Do not do anything until you get the words "Yes Sir" out of your mouth. He must be certain to point it out to you if you forget and take action if you do forget to help you remember... this can either be a punishment or a positive reinforcement... that is up to both of you. If you have to decide when to use it, you are going to get confused, and if it is an area where you aren't certain then you need to talk to him about this and ask for instructions on specifics. Frankly, if it were me, I would just make it easy and tell you to do it all the time... but it isn't me so, you must do what he wants.

My girlfriend and I discussed when she is to use the term Sir. I told her that there are times when it would be inappropriate for her to call me Sir, like, in front of her family or kids, or friends. I told her that any time we were alone and/or being intimate, it is a requirement all the time. It took her time to get used to the idea, and I gave her encouragement along the way... calling her "good girl" and things like that to show my approval. She sometimes forgets, and all I have to do is give her a look and she remembers. Point is that it takes time, patience and determination to get to where you want to be. You sound like your heart is in the right place, it is just going to take a little while until your head catches up.

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RE: trouble with titles/honorifics - 3/22/2015 8:44:53 PM

DerangedUnit

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I think it becomes natural when you feel it. I had one guy who would always shout "pronunciate!" At me and so I would whisper "you better enunciate sir" in between smacks. The only way I would ever say it was facetious because I didn't respect him. It was just 'you'lldo this because I said so' I stayed pretty black andress blue that whole tour for "forgetting" but the guy I was with a year or so later... never asked me to say it once,I say sir when he behaves in a manner I respect, I don't think about it or need to remember, when you respect someone it becomes automatic.

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RE: trouble with titles/honorifics - 3/22/2015 8:55:04 PM

MalcolmNathaniel

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I find that, in general, the slave knowing what is expected of her goes a long way towards having her behave properly.

When I give a direct order I expect "Yes Sir" Or "Yes Master." She's finally learning even though I don't get to see her as often as I would like. A mix of threats of punishment combined with "good girl" when she remembers on her own seems to be working.

Different slaves, different procedures though.

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RE: trouble with titles/honorifics - 3/23/2015 12:21:15 AM

Kaliko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

I think it becomes natural when you feel it.

This exactly.

He and I went for a couple of years and he never required that I call him anything specific. It came to a point, though, when I just felt it so strongly and naturally that I asked him if I could. There is just no way to not say it because he so clearly is that to me.

Other than that, perhaps just practice. practice, practice? When you think of him, think of him with the title he expects of you. And while you do that, relax into it and allow yourself to explore how it feels.

< Message edited by Kaliko -- 3/23/2015 12:22:08 AM >

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RE: trouble with titles/honorifics - 3/23/2015 2:45:15 AM

DesFIP

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If you were with him all day, it would take about a month to make this a habit.
Seeing him only once a week, and even then mostly not using it, it will probably take over a year.

Unfortunately, unless you address everyone like this, you simply don't have enough practice to get good at it. Do you talk on the phone daily? Practice doing it then.

You wouldn't expect to be good at playing the piano without practice but he expects you to be good at this without practice. Unlikely to happen.

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RE: trouble with titles/honorifics - 3/23/2015 4:24:53 AM

NookieNotes

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I'll reiterate what's been said:

1. It should feel natural, and come from a place of WANTING to serve with a title.

For example, I do not choose the title my subs may use. After a while, they choose it for them selves. I've been called, My Queen, Beautiful, Sweetness, Princess, Miss, Lady, and YumYum. All were chosen by the subs and had meaning for them. They felt it from the moment they began using the words.

2. Your Dom should make clear when it's necessary.

For example, I rarely require the honorific. My Pet uses it far more than I require it, and yet, every once in a while, slips when I do require it, because when I require it is during to types of conversations: direct order acknowledgement (almost always gets this one right) and to acknowledge a point made during a discussion (misses this a lot, because we mostly behave like two regular people... I'm not much for protocol). For example, in a discussion, if I make a point, and ask, "do you understand," he should reply, "Yes, My Queen," to show he's aware of the importance. If he says, "Ok," I simply say, "Is that the right answer?" He corrects himself, and double-checks that he is in the right mind frame, and we move forward.

3. There always must be a correction/consistency.

It's the only way to help you learn. And that means positive reinforcement (in my world, I don't do punishment) when you get it right.

4. Practice it in your head.

When you think of him, think of him as your Sir. Think of addressing him as Sir, etc. Practicing in your brain can actually put you on even ground with having the experience in reality (studies have show visualization actually does work as much as real-life practice in many ways).

Oh, and also feel the pleasure of calling him Sir, and getting it right when you practice. Positively reinforce yourself, and make yourself more likely to get it right.

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RE: trouble with titles/honorifics - 3/26/2015 2:08:05 PM

vivaciousgrace

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

I think it becomes natural when you feel it.

This exactly.

He and I went for a couple of years and he never required that I call him anything specific. It came to a point, though, when I just felt it so strongly and naturally that I asked him if I could. There is just no way to not say it because he so clearly is that to me.

Other than that, perhaps just practice. practice, practice? When you think of him, think of him with the title he expects of you. And while you do that, relax into it and allow yourself to explore how it feels.

This made me smile. "Sir" is not something I would use if it did not feel absolutely natural and right for me. I would also not class myself as anyones sub or slave unless it felt absolutely natural and right for me.

To me this is something you need to work on together. If it feels awkward work together on finding out why you feel that way, and decide if that is something you can fix.

I fully understand the desire to have rules and give orders if that is what comes naturally to the Dom or Master.
I believe that the submission/slavery and the need and desire to follow those rules ought to also come naturally and easily to their partner. It should not be forced.

Not everyone sees it this way, but to me that deep need to serve and to give is very special. It is not given easily to just anyone. For those few people that I have had the pleasure of serving following an instruction comes easily as long as it is clearly defined. I WANT to please them. I will try my best for them and feel amazing when they are happy with me.

I would steer clear of anyone who expected me to follow orders that were not clear and then punished me for not getting it right.

My small number of Dominant partners have all been excellent at clear communication, and intelligent open debate about what works, what feels right and what we each want to try/experience. Those casual conversations over a glass of wine lead to some really intense and gloriously intimate moments in the future. I hint that something intrigues me... he starts plotting... lol

Great communication leads to an amazing dynamic. I will accept nothing else.

So my advice is, yeah he is in charge, that is his role, but you still get to have an opinion. And "make your instructions more clear" is an acceptable thing to ask. You are still in the 'bedding in period' of a new dynamic. Talking about why things don't feel natural to you and what will improve that will help you both develop.

If you jump straight in with the "he says, and you do" approach before you have settled into things and started to feel safe and comfortable in your roles with each other it will not work.

I know that when I feel safe, looked after, comfortable with a Dominant then doing as I am asked feels perfect.
The slightest hint of doubt and I feel anxious, self conscious and mechanical in my actions.

(edited because I can't type for toffee)

< Message edited by vivaciousgrace -- 3/26/2015 2:18:25 PM >

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RE: trouble with titles/honorifics - 3/26/2015 4:27:30 PM

smileforme50

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

I think it becomes natural when you feel it.

This exactly.

He and I went for a couple of years and he never required that I call him anything specific. It came to a point, though, when I just felt it so strongly and naturally that I asked him if I could. There is just no way to not say it because he so clearly is that to me.

Other than that, perhaps just practice. practice, practice? When you think of him, think of him with the title he expects of you. And while you do that, relax into it and allow yourself to explore how it feels.

I know this is how it was for me. For me it was a combination of growth over time where I finally felt like a submissive and not a play partner, AND finding the right Dom who helped bring it out in me.

It took a LONG time.

Even now there are some Doms that I may not be in a relationship with, but will still address as "Sir"....and some I don't call "Sir" even though I know they wish I would.

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RE: trouble with titles/honorifics - 3/29/2015 10:42:41 PM

laes43

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quote:

You sound like your heart is in the right place, it is just going to take a little while until your head catches up.

I feel like this very much. There are times when I practice it in my heas, over and over...but then when it actually comes time to say it, I totally forget.

quote:

I think it becomes natural when you feel it.

I belive this very much too. There are times I do very well and it just feels right. Then there are other times where I feel very shy and can barely say it and other times still that it's not even on my radar. So I guess I'm at least heading in the right direction.

quote:

Do you talk on the phone daily? Practice doing it then.

Sadly no, he's not a phone talker. We do text and chat on yahoo occasionally. I'm good at typing it. But then all my experience until now has been online and such, so I have 13+ years of that so, it's definitely second nature. I just need to translate that naturalness to real life.

quote:

4. Practice it in your head.

When you think of him, think of him as your Sir. Think of addressing him as Sir, etc. Practicing in your brain can actually put you on even ground with having the experience in reality (studies have show visualization actually does work as much as real-life practice in many ways).

Oh, and also feel the pleasure of calling him Sir, and getting it right when you practice. Positively reinforce yourself, and make yourself more likely to get it right.

I definitely do this. But it's usually the equivalent of cramming before a test. Like usually when he drives me home there's a bit of silence and I'll practice my goodbye in my head so that when the silence is broken all my thoughts just fly out thr window. And I'll remember laterwhen I'm alone and I mentally kick myself. Obviously that is not working so I'll try to "study" a little every day and not "cram" 15 min before.

quote:

Not everyone sees it this way, but to me that deep need to serve and to give is very special. It is not given easily to just anyone. For those few people that I have had the pleasure of serving following an instruction comes easily as long as it is clearly defined. I WANT to please them. I will try my best for them and feel amazing when they are happy with me.

I get this. I am a people pleaser, but im selective. If I care about someone I will do whatever to make them happy. But if you're not in my small circle then I have no real need or desire to please you. He is in my circle. I very much like him and want to make him happy. I met with other Doms and they did not make me feel this way.

But I think my issue is saying things out loud. Sure, I'll do whatever he asks, actions are easy. Pulling the words from me feels much more personal. I guard my mind and emotions 1,000x more than my body. Thats where a huge disconnect is for me. That's when I feel vulnerable. That's what I need to work on, too. Thank you for your post.

Thank you everyone for all your replies. They all have given me a lot to think about and have given me some good ideas and strategies to talk to my Dom about.

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