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trust issues - 4/19/2015 1:18:46 PM   
goldengirl1


Posts: 1
Joined: 1/29/2015
Status: offline 		I have been on here for just a short while, I am new to this and have found myself struggling.

I try to be honest in all I say to a dom and in the most respectful way I can. however I am finding I am being told as I will not send a picture talk on outside forums that I am fake

Have found through a friend that a dom who i thought I was making a connection with is using his brothers pictures on line

I do have a mentor ( a dom who has his own sub ) who is now helping me do dom's mind that a sub may have a mentor that they wish to ask before they progress too far.
I have been hurt twice now not in a physical way but mentally by two doms and have suffered abuse at the hands of others in a verbal sense.

I just wish some general advice please ..

respectfully

golden
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: trust issues - 4/19/2015 1:33:51 PM   
Ladytisha


Posts: 112
Joined: 6/3/2013
Status: offline 		Put your search on hold and get yourself together both mentally and physically. If you have been hurt twice you need some recovery time so you can make sure you don't make those same mistakes a third or fourth time. Just as with any relationship you are of no good for anyone hauling baggage from previous relationships into a new possible relationship. No two men are the same and it wouldnt be fair to yourself or the Dom to hold back because you are afraid you'll be hurt. Give yourself some time.


Lady

(in reply to goldengirl1)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: trust issues - 4/19/2015 1:37:47 PM   
JVoV


Posts: 3660
Joined: 3/9/2015
Status: offline 		I prefer speaking with people that have a face picture, or can send one in our first few messages.

I don't use other sites yet, but I don't see any harm in looking into them. If they're free, great.

(in reply to goldengirl1)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: trust issues - 4/19/2015 1:40:03 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		When limiting your search for a partner to online you will run into a lot of people who are not what they claim to be. It's easy for someone to check boxes marked male and Dominant. Just because you try to be honest does not mean others use the same honesty. To many people online is just a game and way to have their own kind of fun.

If you have gotten called fake then that is par for the course. Soon you will run into someone who claims that rumors are going around website that you are actually male. In fact, they might tell you that you will get banned from the website soon as everyone believes you are a man pretending to be a woman. Of course to prove you are actually a female they will insist that you have to show yourself on cam. It's just all internet bullshit.

When using internet sites such as this one, expect that more than 90% of the people you interact with are not being truthful. That's just the way it is. Be careful what you reveal about yourself to strangers. Do not get emotionally attached to pixels on a computer screen.

There are munches in the UK and I suggest you take advantage of them. That way you get to meet people face to face. No way can some 18 year old teenager with his hand down his pants pretend to be a 40 year old Dominant with 20 years of experience training submissives. I used to know of a web site that listed all the munches and events in the UK. I no longer have it. Perhaps someone here can give it to you or perhaps you can do a search for it. I do remember the site was full of great information.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to goldengirl1)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: trust issues - 4/19/2015 2:02:46 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goldengirl1

I have been on here for just a short while, I am new to this and have found myself struggling.



First off, welcome to the forums.

quote:



I try to be honest in all I say to a dom and in the most respectful way I can. however I am finding I am being told as I will not send a picture talk on outside forums that I am fake



Unfortunately this is fairly common. Perhaps a better solution is to fill out your profile, include that you will not send a picture until you are comfortable doing so.

quote:



Have found through a friend that a dom who i thought I was making a connection with is using his brothers pictures on line



This also happens. People aren't always who they say they are, this applies in real life as well as online. These are shark infested waters, swim with care.

quote:



I do have a mentor ( a dom who has his own sub ) who is now helping me do dom's mind that a sub may have a mentor that they wish to ask before they progress too far.



Personally, I wouldn't mind, but then I am a bit more patient than some people. I would, however, question why, at the age of 48 that you would need a mentor looking out for you and why you can't look out for yourself. This might be something that would put me off a bit, but not enough to not talk with you. I cannot speak for other dominants, but I am certain there are some that would mind, a lot.

quote:



I have been hurt twice now not in a physical way but mentally by two doms and have suffered abuse at the hands of others in a verbal sense.



Verbal abuse like the name calling from folks that get all butthurt because you won't send them pictures of your tits or something like that, is going to happen no matter what you do. Block them and delete their email and move on with your life.

Is your mentor screening those folks that contact you? If your mentor is screening them, I would say he could be doing a better job. I still think at the age of 48 you should be able to screen out the lummoxes and sift through the pretenders and get to someone genuine on your own. Perhaps you cannot and it is why you have a mentor. Either way, you need to go slow during this process. Being patient is a very good quality to possess, and patience in a dominant is, in my not so humble opinion, imperative. Patience in your search means that you will limit your exposure to the potential fast talkers and those that are looking for nothing more than wank fodder.

quote:



I just wish some general advice please ..



Slow down. Use your head. Just because you are submissive does not mean that you must sit there and take whatever a dominant says to you, especially if you are just in the initial contact stages. If you are seeking a relationship, seek a relationship, discuss the BDSM in the context of that relationship, but the compatibility between you both is what is paramount of importance. Then, if you are in agreement with what you want from your BDSM relationship, then you move forward, but keep paying attention. There are usually two deadly combinations of things that will weed out a lot of the game players: Be patient. Watch for consistency. I have found that most folks who know what they are doing in BDSM are patient and consistent. In a dominant, those traits are, in my opinion, critical to the success of their relationships.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to goldengirl1)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: trust issues - 4/19/2015 3:45:07 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Your profile says you are seeking "online romance". Your world will continue to be fraught with peril, posers, fakes, tourists and insta-Doms until you connect with someone in a way that proves your identity as well as theirs and inspires trust on both sides of the coin. You say you give no pics, no calls or outside contact and complain that you "suffered abuse at the hands of others" . . . You're a ghost to them, a phantom, an nonhuman figment of internet anonymity. Why should they truly care about you if they never connect with you, see your face, hear your voice or get to know the real you? They just don't know you.

Change your ways, change your results. That is my advice.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to goldengirl1)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: trust issues - 4/19/2015 3:58:34 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
I have to echo what RS said and take it just a little bit further:

How do these guys with whom you're interacting know that you're NOT a fake? They need some foundation upon which to build trust also.

Let's go a step further:

If I had no photos posted and had your restrictions on contact and you still decided to start communicating with me, we'd get on great, in e-mails, etc. Then, at some point, you're going to want to know if there's a physical attraction. If I held back photos of myself as if they're the holiest of holies and waited until I thought you were on my hook and then, showed you my photo and I looked more like Quasimodo than Don Quixote, would you feel:

A) "lied" to?
B) like your timer had been "wasted"?
C) like the reason I wasn't showing you a photo was because, on some level, I knew what your reaction would be and that I was bound-and-determined to get what I wanted out of you and didn't give a damn about your wants/needs?

I'm not saying what you're doing is wrong. I'm saying you're to blame for a good portion of your angst.



Michael

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 4/19/2015 3:59:26 PM >

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: trust issues - 4/19/2015 10:59:42 PM   
DerangedUnit


Posts: 660
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline 		I'll start by saying even if you changed your mind and agreed to send pictures.... the people that call you a fake you'd then say you are a fake for not talking on the phone... you agree to talk on the phone they call you a fake for not camming... you cam, they call you fake for not meeting for coffee, you meet they call you fake for not fucking them... you funk them you are fake for not doing anal.... etc etc on and on.

I'm going to go on the record here as saying I don't think trust is something you need to worry about at this stage.

In the beginning it's helpful to learn how to read people, don't try to accomplish anything for a little while just watch, communicate, and learn how to find links between traits you like and don't like.

When you find the right person, trust is something that comes on its own. Over time.

You'llmost likely find a lot of what doesn't work before you find what does, and that'sbecause there is a lot more of it(and humans evolved to have a more visceral response to bad things).

So after you get used to it your biggest problem probably won't be understanding people, it will be knowing what to do with good once you have it. It's easy when you run cross people over and over who think relationships really one sided to just learn to see that as normal and freak out when someone treats you right. But good people are out there, they will come along. And they aren't the type that threaten you, try to make you feel guilt or think that their time is more valuable than theirs.

(in reply to goldengirl1)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: trust issues - 4/20/2015 8:10:37 AM   
Bhruic


Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goldengirl1

I have been on here for just a short while, I am new to this and have found myself struggling.

I try to be honest in all I say to a dom and in the most respectful way I can. however I am finding I am being told as I will not send a picture talk on outside forums that I am fake

Have found through a friend that a dom who i thought I was making a connection with is using his brothers pictures on line

I do have a mentor ( a dom who has his own sub ) who is now helping me do dom's mind that a sub may have a mentor that they wish to ask before they progress too far.
I have been hurt twice now not in a physical way but mentally by two doms and have suffered abuse at the hands of others in a verbal sense.

I just wish some general advice please ..

respectfully

golden


People who have no picture of any kind on their profile tend to arouse my suspicion. At worst they are fakes, but at best - and this is almost worse - they are utterly uninteresting.

A profile picture does not have to be a picture that is recognizably you. It doesn't even have to be of you... you could post pictures that simply give more information about what kind of person you are, and what you enjoy.

As for mentors... I think many masters prefer a sub or slave who understands herself and knows what she wants and needs. Anything that allows you to figure that out and be more confident in your role is going to be appealing.

I would be wary of any masters that try to control you, and limit your connection to only them right out of the gate. That is a common sign of insecurity, and not a desirable trait in a master.

_____________________________

pronounced "VROOick"

(in reply to goldengirl1)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: trust issues - 4/20/2015 10:27:43 AM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goldengirl1

I just wish some general advice please ..



Hi golden,

I see from your profile that you are 48. Presumably, then, you've dated before?

I would suggest to you that being with a "Dom" is no different than being with any other human being on the planet. What would you do if someone who didn't identify as "Dom" asked you to do random shit that you were uncomfortable with? Do that.

There is no magic formula here. And, certainly, there's no reason why you should feel obligated to do *anything* that you don't want to do, simply because some "Dom" says so.

I can understand the desire to be respectful. But, I would suggest that you can be respectful and still have your boundaries.

Yup, some people are shitheads. Fact of life. And, there will be some people who will get their jollies by donning the "Dom cap" to get what they want. I believe that the key is to get to the point where *you* can simply say, "thanks but no thanks". And, really, honestly, BELIEVING IT. I know, it's far easier said than done, but as someone who has been down this road, I can tell you, from my experience, that you will encounter people who will try to guilt you into doing what they want by saying shit like, "well, you're not a real sub if you don't....". My suggestion to you is to ask, at least to yourself, "who is *this* person to be saying this to me?".

You've lived 48 years on this planet. You've *got* this-- you just need to believe in yourself.

(in reply to goldengirl1)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: trust issues - 4/20/2015 9:51:18 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goldengirl1

I just wish some general advice please ..



These comments are in response to many thoughts in this thread:

1. Decide what's right for you. If you don't plan to send photos or talk offline for a long time just make that clear upfront to everyone.
2. If people start getting angry that you won't break your own rules you set upfront, block them and ignore them.
3. Expect that if you refuse to send photos or won't talk on the phone, people will get angry at you eventually.
4. I can understand why someone doesn't post a photo of themselves here. And that's fine. But a cute cartoon or picture of flowers does zero for me.
5. You can have the most wonderful online exchanges imaginable. But it doesn't start to get real until you are sitting across a table from someone.

< Message edited by seekingreality -- 4/20/2015 10:02:47 PM >

(in reply to goldengirl1)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: trust issues - 4/24/2015 2:05:38 PM   
MasterDrakkula


Posts: 29
Joined: 4/6/2015
Status: offline 		I am rarely shy using the fake word dictionary definition
I will not talk to anyone who cannot attach a few or send them via text. Whyso - at the beginning of the day they could be anyone; a child, a guy, pretending they are girl, someone attached and not in a position to talk freely, someone pretending they are someone they are not – hobgoblins – so I view them all as fake in their own ways.

Some of us are loons so we are fine with our pictures up – it is not me or my kind who gives these places the reputations that are oft reported on. Tis the hobgoblins and they number plethora or the bulk of these sites userbases – and people like me have encountered every kind of fake one could imagine. Alas there exists the slim possibility you are what you claim – so you suffer because of the kind I mentioned. But imagine spending 3 mails 100 mails and being none of the wiser if the person at the other end is who and what they say. And times that by many users.

Some folks think me rude/blunt as fukery – but I establish a reality early on it saves countless wasted 1000s of hours. Plus there is ample me, words and pictures on my profile, and pictures for them to come to an abrupt conclusion.

Do you only talk to doms with no pictures, or pictures, and have you established their reality as there is a good chance they are not who and what they say

If i had to give you figure less than 10% of profiles I look at have an actual picture. Meager offering indeed and the bulk of them don’t for not good reasons – refers you to fake word – which encompasses liars and cheats.

But you are the lady, although on here many of these ladies and lesbians are men. You establish their reality– then you trade yours. Tis a fair exchange I believe. Everything has a block function this site all sites mail phones – know where they are for mistooks will be made in abundance with slithery snakes.

If you believe someone like me would spill their minds and souls to a pictureless entity with no additional means of contacting them (phone etc) you are a stone bonker– I mean that nicely naïve one

Perhaps you are who and what you say do you believe someone like me should have to guess?

As for an actual picture on here you can upload a bit of you or if you need editing cropping let me know but I could be 100% fake. Another user already said this and don’t upload some daft stupid avatar or nicked porn people like me loathe them as they mis represent mis direction and so on – but many on here have these – reasons are often bad. But the good news is their a fair chance a fake is talking to their opposite hobgoblin - but the sad part is most genuine people will get caught up with their well scripted malarkey


(in reply to seekingreality)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: trust issues - 6/9/2015 7:21:12 AM   
polygynyman


Posts: 10
Joined: 1/12/2014
Status: offline 		Lots of fakes and that can be frustrating.
My profile pic is really me but hey lots of people don't believe.
I'm not afraid but then I would not hesitate to do a certain thing I do in front of a croud.
my preference is to meet on cam right away ... Why because I'm tired of wasting time on fakes.
I don't care if your naked on cam right away only that your real.
Of course you can see me naked on cam any time but only once I know your real.
These are my reasons to see you right away.
1st now I know your real
2nd now I know your pic is not from Highschool days
3rd I want to know your old enough 18 plus
There are so many young girls online acting like they are lethal when they are not, I'm not going ..........to break the law for any girl
4th appearances are important to everyone
5th why waste time, why play silly games let's get to the point will you serve or not
6th is still the fastest way to get to know each other
7th of I'm not fake and your not fake why not meet and say Hello ... To many people act like this is .........dangerous or that real meetings from the Web are stupid.... If we met on the street or in a coffee ..........shop or online is all the same use a Lil common sense.
8th I'm not looking for online playing and games however I enjoy those too I'm serious about finding a ...... couple sub girls 18 to 25 to belong to me forever I will not text roleplay but on cam yes I enjoy ...........making girls squirt cloths on or off and yes I'm the best at it. If you want a taste just ask but be ............prepared to become addicted to me like heroine and if your not what I'm looking for you will .............have to go thru withdrawls
9th. I'm great litterally, I'm amazing, because I can give you everything you ever dreamed of you ..............should be ready willing and able to prove yourself .... I'm not going to wait around to see if ................your ready and willing to give all that you are, and that you will give me everything i ask if .................you hesitate you need to grow up and decide what you really want right NOW

(in reply to MasterDrakkula)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: trust issues - 6/9/2015 6:52:45 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm not sure how someone you've never met, who gets tired of a runaround and says so in less than flattering terms can have mentally abused you.

Honestly, if being frankly rejected for not being compatible is that troubling to you, I'd strongly suggest some therapy.

What you're forgetting is that just as you can decide you aren't willing to send a picture or meet someone before you've talked for three years is your limit, other people have limits too. And it's perfectly within their rights to not wait more than a month before seeing a picture or meeting.

Just chalk it up to incompatibility. But most men aren't going to be willing to jump through the hoops you have. Nor should they when you're not willing to extend yourself in return.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to polygynyman)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: trust issues - 6/9/2015 9:54:51 PM   
sweetieDA


Posts: 129
Joined: 4/3/2015
Status: offline 		You have the right to want what you want.

Insist upon it and don't accept the slightest resistance. Anyone who tries to push you should be instantly gone.

There are *millions* of people online for you to talk to. There is no reason at all for you to accept being spoken to in a way you don't enjoy, whether that is questioning you or your actions, or someone pretending to be another person.

If you let people bully you into explaining yourself, you will not be happy with the conversation. It is not up to them to accept your rules, it is up to you to set rules and enforce them. If they don't follow your rules, block and delete.

I have wasted a lot of time thinking I can explain myself to people online, or that I had to justify my opinions. I don't. I say it once, if they question me, I tell them that I am no longer interested in pursuing the conversation and I wish them good luck with their search. In this way, I spend my time talking to nice people who do not nag, criticise or argue with me, rather than wasting my life on idiots who don't understand boundaries.

You can't control the behaviour of others, you can only control your own response. Say it once and then move on if necessary.

(in reply to goldengirl1)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: trust issues - 6/21/2015 9:54:45 AM   
IcarusBurning


Posts: 107
Joined: 2/1/2015
Status: offline 		i am sorry for you dear. its sad that people treat a girl differently just because she is on a kink-related site. its not fair, in either direction. but we are all flawed, and i think desperation and trust get in the way.

it is good to know you have a mentor. also, as some have suggested, i think it would help to take a little time out. are you sure about what you are looking for? one way of going about it is to be rather specific about what exactly you want in a dom. that way, at least your profile will weed out much of the populace. use mail filters. further, block people who seem unnecessarily hasty about the business of getting to know you. would you hurry if you were choosing the person you want to spend a significant amount of your life with outside of here? i dont see why this should be any different.

all said and done, you will still run into douchebags. hold you own, irrespective of how submissive you feel as a person. you have the fundamental right to choose who you give your heart and soul and body to, dont back off from that stand.

(in reply to goldengirl1)
Profile   Post #: 16
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