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Advice - 4/29/2015 12:29:57 PM

mrtonyjames

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/29/2015
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I am new to the forum. Me and my sub are both involved in a D/s relationship - I guess you could say it is 24/7 because we maintain our 'roles' all the time, but we are often out of protocol (i.e. we have a lot of normal vanilla lovely stuff and a lot of time where we are vanilla but at a single moment we are fully in role). Even when we are out of protocol we have a short list of exceptions that she should follow to maintain her submissive status (her idea).

My sub is, I believe, a true submissive. She naturally is submissive and truly loves being in her role. I love being dominant and when I am with her, I feel it is where I am meant to be. However I was brought up with a set of traditional morals and values (don't hurt a women, don't humiliate a women, don't do anything 'bad' to a women, etc.) which means I really do struggle to be dominant and I really do hate to disappoint her.

She is a masochist and is pretty tough (i.e. can take a lot). She does suffer beautifully but I really struggle to 'hurt' her in any way – mainly because I love her and it hurts me to 'hurt' her, and the conflict with my morals/values.

I have found that putting her in predicament situations where what she feels is caused by herself is something that both of us really enjoy without me feeling bad because she is in 'pain'. Any ideas for such predicaments would he greatly received.

I love my sub and, out of love, I have considered telling her to find another Dominant, one that is able to treat her the way she needs to be treated and is able to fully allow her submission to flourish. Any advice that you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you
Tony

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RE: Advice - 4/29/2015 1:34:16 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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Joined: 8/7/2007
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Without sounding flippant, and I don't really mean to be flippant, but WTF fella? You seem to have what a million people are seeking; a great relationship with someone you love who Loves you back - and you talk about giving it all away in some noble altruistic show of devotion. Has she asked you to be more dominant? Is she saying she is unfulfilled? Where is this coming from? Your insecurities or her own admission of being unfulfilled in her submission to you? She's with you for a reason. Why would you want to not cherish what you have rather than worry you aren't enough? Without her side of the story I couldn't really say if you are being thoughtful of her needs or selfishly indulgent of your insecurities.

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 4/29/2015 1:36:03 PM >

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RE: Advice - 4/29/2015 1:34:52 PM

NookieNotes

Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mrtonyjames

She is a masochist and is pretty tough (i.e. can take a lot). She does suffer beautifully but I really struggle to 'hurt' her in any way – mainly because I love her and it hurts me to 'hurt' her, and the conflict with my morals/values.

It's hard to give advice without specifics. How exactly is hurting her (which she wants and likes) in conflict with your morals and values?

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RE: Advice - 4/29/2015 1:43:00 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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My ex husband tried to be Dominant because he loved me so much.

He had religious beliefs about not hurting women.

I would assure him it was what I wanted and he still felt grief.

It became a major issue and we divorced. Not because of that only, but it was a serious problem.

Sometimes a person cannot get past their value system, no matter how much they love you.

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RE: Advice - 4/29/2015 2:25:58 PM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
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FR

I used to worry about this but from the opposite side. My Owner is a kind man, a thoughtful man and for the first few years I worried myself sick that perhaps he was only filling my needs because they were my needs. That I was manipulating him into doing things he didn't want to, only to make me happy.

It took a fair amount of time for me to reveal my worries to him, then it took a fair amount of time for him to prove that I was wrong. He is not a sadist but he totally does get off on my writhing around in bondage with my body as his playground. I had to learn to trust in that, in him and in myself.

Perhaps OP you need to understand that 'hurting' to a masochist is actually pleasurable.

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RE: Advice - 4/29/2015 4:35:40 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
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quote:

I love my sub and, out of love, I have considered telling her to find another Dominant, one that is able to treat her the way she needs to be treated and is able to fully allow her submission to flourish.

If you want to allow her submission to flourish, then possibly, allow her the opportunity to live in submission? Meaning - if you don't want to hurt her, then don't. And she will submit to living without that. Which might actually provide some hurt for her to chew on, as well.

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RE: Advice - 4/29/2015 6:48:25 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mrtonyjames

I am new to the forum. Me and my sub are both involved in a D/s relationship - I guess you could say it is 24/7 because we maintain our 'roles' all the time, but we are often out of protocol (i.e. we have a lot of normal vanilla lovely stuff and a lot of time where we are vanilla but at a single moment we are fully in role). Even when we are out of protocol we have a short list of exceptions that she should follow to maintain her submissive status (her idea).

My sub is, I believe, a true submissive. She naturally is submissive and truly loves being in her role. I love being dominant and when I am with her, I feel it is where I am meant to be. However I was brought up with a set of traditional morals and values (don't hurt a women, don't humiliate a women, don't do anything 'bad' to a women, etc.) which means I really do struggle to be dominant and I really do hate to disappoint her.

She is a masochist and is pretty tough (i.e. can take a lot). She does suffer beautifully but I really struggle to 'hurt' her in any way – mainly because I love her and it hurts me to 'hurt' her, and the conflict with my morals/values.

I have found that putting her in predicament situations where what she feels is caused by herself is something that both of us really enjoy without me feeling bad because she is in 'pain'. Any ideas for such predicaments would he greatly received.

I love my sub and, out of love, I have considered telling her to find another Dominant, one that is able to treat her the way she needs to be treated and is able to fully allow her submission to flourish. Any advice that you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you
Tony

I was raised the very same way, don't hit women, causing pain to others was wrong, and so on. The first submissive woman I was with asked me to smack her face during sex. Right away everything within me recoiled, but I did it, the result was amazing, she was having orgasm after orgasm and she just kept begging me to go harder. Yeah, that was it for me, all those years of being told not to hurt someone went right out the window.

You have to learn the difference between hurting someone that does not want to be hurt, and hurting someone to cause them pleasure because they want you to. You care for her, and that is wonderful to have, but if she gets off on being hurt and likes it, then you need to decide whether or not you want to put aside your moral code and do something for her pleasure. If you are really struggling with it, then give up hurting her in any way whatsoever, but realize that masochism is a part of her, and not getting that satisfaction from you could cause massive problems.

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RE: Advice - 4/30/2015 6:52:40 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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So spank her lightly. Tomorrow do it again but for two minutes longer than today. And so on.

You don't become accustomed to giving pain overnight. It will also help if she thanks you for it, tells you exactly what it does for her: ie help release stress or gets her aroused.

If you never become able to play as heavily as she likes, that's fine too. You folks could join your local community, make friends, and ask one of them to give her pain play while you watch and you give the aftercare.

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