RE: Anti Poly

RE: Anti Poly (Full Version)

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losttreasure -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 11:47:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Level *For those of you not into, or are against, poly, why? I posted this here, not in the poly forum, due to most folks there are* into it.** My own answer would mirror many of the responses already made, insecurity... competition... not wanting to share... however, my opinion might be subject to change should someone ever present me with a good solid reason to be into poly. But I doubt that will ever happen. [;)]

feastie -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 12:22:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania I wasn't attempting to deingrate anyone, if you thought that you were mistaken. I was merely pointing out that poly is not a part of our cultural experience.. if you think I am wrong about that, well that is your opinion. I have studied polyandry and polygamy in other cultures, perhaps my input was unwelcomed by some, perhaps it would be welcomed by others... Quite the opposite Julia. In fact, I wasn't replying to your post specifically at all, I just sniffed the first smoke of some potential fires from other posts and forgot to mention I was using fast reply. I consider my post to be quite supportive of yours, actually. I meant my post to try to get the thread back on course and to let those that are poly know that no one here is beating them up. It's a great thread and I'd like to see it remain in a friendly frame. That's all.

juliaoceania -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 12:31:37 PM)
Im glad feastie, smiles... I thought we were fairly much in agreement.

KnightofMists -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 12:54:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: losttreasure My own answer would mirror many of the responses already made, insecurity... competition... not wanting to share... however, my opinion might be subject to change should someone ever present me with a good solid reason to be into poly. But I doubt that will ever happen. [;)] You "LOVE" them!! and they Love you!

KnightofMists -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 1:05:54 PM)
excellent thread Level..... Most of the comments are not a surprize to me. Some are thoughtful and some are out of ignorance, but they are all common in discussing to be or not to be poly. I will state that relationships succeed and fail for a variety of reasons. the failure of one relationship doesn't dictate the failure of the next... regardless of structure/style etc. However... the reasons for the failure can dictate what types relationships or individuals one shouldn't be involved in. You may have a Failed poly experience... but that doesn't automatically dictate that you should never do poly... no more than you have a failed mono experience and you shouldn't do mono relationships. I think is great that one considers the "WHY" they don't do poly... but such reasons should be based internally and not externally. Just as one chooses not to do poly for internal reasons... one should choose to do poly for internal reasons. Doing it because you partner wants it etc etc.... is a recipe for disaster! One should not be forced into any intimate relationship that they are not intrinsically motivated to do. Again... Level... excellent thread... I would highly suggest anyone considering Poly to read this thread.

Bearlee -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 1:33:39 PM)
Many years ago, my then boyfriend, wanted to open up our relationship. This was pre-AIDS (and pre interest in bdsm, too)…he was interested in both of us exploring our bisexuality. Somewhere in all this, I read the book “Open Marriage” by Nena O’Neill and George O’Neill…which changed how I view relationships. It was a book about loving relationships…not swinging. I truly embrace the idea; but unfortunately he was not able to handle it. We soon broke up. Fast forward some 30 years to now…I’ve discovered this ‘alternate lifestyle’ and have several many friends in Poly relationships. A couple seem closer to swinging than I would be comfortable with; most are closed triads; and most, though not all, are MFF. I am curious about so much…so of course I’ve read both ‘Ethical Slut’ by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt and ‘Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits: Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships’ by Dr. Deborah Anapol. I highly recommend all three mentioned books for anybody remotely interested in how it is Poly works. All three books are available new or used from Amazon. I have never been in a Poly relationship. I would not be opposed to it…so long as “Polyamory” to my partner meant extending our family…and not that revolving bed-room door thing. I imagine I’d be more comfortable with another woman; the MFF triad. I have bisexual tendencies but I’m ashamed to say I don’t know if I could handle it if my male partner did, too. (lordy…THAT was hard to admit!) beverly Edited to add: I just checked Level's profile and discovered Polyamory is OMITTED! Dammmmmmmm... no clues!!! Level...are ya gonna share YOUR views with us? Huh? Please? Pretty please? With sugar on top??? Huh, huh, areya? Huh?

losttreasure -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 3:13:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: losttreasure My own answer would mirror many of the responses already made, insecurity... competition... not wanting to share... however, my opinion might be subject to change should someone ever present me with a good solid reason to be into poly. But I doubt that will ever happen. [;)] You "LOVE" them!! and they Love you! grins An excellent try, KoM. But even though there are several people that I love dearly, it doesn't mean I'd be the least bit interested in making us all into a family, nor am I prevented from continuing to love them even though we aren't in a poly relationship. I will say that I always found it amusing when doms that I was speaking with would bring up the issue of wanting to find another woman to add to our relationship so that they could have more than one sub. While I'm not one to put my foot down and call it a hard limit, I figure it is only something I will embrace freely if he agrees that I can find myself a second Master. Funny... none of them ever liked that idea. [;)]

KnightofMists -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 4:22:13 PM)
there is different kinds of "Love" I appreiciate that you love many people dearly... just as I love many as well. However, the love you have for the one that you want to make that life-time intimate bond with is much different. You can either love one like that or many. I suggest that for you... you could only "if ever" being a poly situation if you could have that unique Love that you have reserved for that one person. If you don't have that and/or desire to give that to more than one... then I say there is never going to be reason enough to have poly. So again.. the only reason would be that special type of love. I suspect thou that once you have given that type of Love... you are not open to the thought of given it to another at the same time. Many give that Love in Series.... but few do it in Parallel!

PlayfulOne -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 4:23:04 PM)
I don't think KOM was "trying" anything. He simply made a statment. Loving yoiur friends dearly is not the same as "loving" someone. K

KnightofMists -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 4:46:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: losttreasure I will say that I always found it amusing when doms that I was speaking with would bring up the issue of wanting to find another woman to add to our relationship so that they could have more than one sub. While I'm not one to put my foot down and call it a hard limit, I figure it is only something I will embrace freely if he agrees that I can find myself a second Master. Funny... none of them ever liked that idea. [;)] And what happens if you meet one that is willing? Just like few do poly.. they are out there... Just because few share Authority... they are out there.

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 5:04:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Level *For those of you not into, or are against, poly, why? I posted this here, not in the poly forum, due to most folks there are* into it.** My reasons are not unlike many of the responses already mentioned. I will say that poly is no longer the dirty word I used to think it when I first began learning about wiitwd. I am the jealous and possessive type, while at the same time very sensitive to my significant other's wants/needs... So in deciding who I am, what I want/need in a relationship, it became obvious that I needed to find someone with a similar outlook and goal, that of a monogamous long term D/s relationship. I don't cope well with sharing, and I enjoy being available and attentive to one in my life; so I feel my attention would be spread thin given my other relationships with family and work. Another reason is that I find the job of integrating a single person into my life difficult enough without factoring in a need for a 3rd or 4th... So, while I won't say poly is a hard limit and will never happen in my future, it is exceedingly improbable that it will ever fit comfortably with my thinking, feeling and the way I live. M

losttreasure -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 5:26:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PlayfulOne Loving yoiur friends dearly is not the same as "loving" someone. quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists there is different kinds of "Love" ... However, the love you have for the one that you want to make that life-time intimate bond with is much different. smiles I hadn't intended for my response to be taken quite so literally. Yes, of course there are different kinds of love. And the love I feel for my "one" is much different... he knows that I reserve my innermost and intimate self for him and him alone. It is a unique love... not duplicated in any way and unlike any that came before. The thought of him not reciprocating that exclusivity... of his essence being shared with another in similar partnership... diminishes me in ways I cannot express. quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists ... I suspect thou that once you have given that type of Love... you are not open to the thought of given it to another at the same time. You are quite correct... hence my statement of doubt that any could give me sufficient reason to accept a poly relationship. [;)]

losttreasure -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 5:52:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: losttreasure I will say that I always found it amusing when doms that I was speaking with would bring up the issue of wanting to find another woman to add to our relationship so that they could have more than one sub. While I'm not one to put my foot down and call it a hard limit, I figure it is only something I will embrace freely if he agrees that I can find myself a second Master. Funny... none of them ever liked that idea. [;)] And what happens if you meet one that is willing? Just like few do poly.. they are out there... Just because few share Authority... they are out there. With the diversity of proclivities out there, I honestly wouldn't be surprised. But, it's a moot question for me unless FHky up and decides he'd like to share. [;)] But in the spirit of cooperation... If under circumstances similar to those that I outlined a dominant surprised me by agreeing to my having a second dominant, after picking my jaw up off the floor, I would most likely sever communication with him. In all honesty, I would consider his willingness to share and be shared an indication of his being less than interested in the depth of relationship that I desire. I might be wrong in that assumption, but the doubt would always be there impeding the level of trust necessary for a meaningful relationship.

SusanofO -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 6:03:45 PM)
When I first joined the boards at CM I hadn't heard or read much about poly. Since then, my attitude has changed, but that could have as much to do with my own background and history as it does with what I've read here. But, what I read here made a difference, I guess; it was that combinaton of factors, maybe. I am not against it anymore, and would, I guess, be willing to try it. I would really need to trust the person who I was being poly with, and know they were in it for a relationship and not just sex or bdsm, but that goes for any monogamous relationship I can ever picture myself entering as well, so maybe not a relevant comment. I guess it would not be something I'd expect of a partner, either way. If they were poly, I wouldn't have a problem with it, but if they wanted us to remain monogamous, I'd could do that, too. If they wanted to be poly and for me to remain monogamous, that could perhaps pose a potential problem; it would depend on the relationship, I guess. - Susan

CrappyDom -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 6:16:04 PM)
Poly, like being vanilla or kinky, isn't good or bad in and of itself, it is the actions and motivations of those who do it. My first long term D/s relationship was stormy to say the least, she was married. Funny thing is, there was just about zero drama between him and I even though when I came over he often slept on the couch while I slept in his bed with his wife. The poly worked better than the D/s. In many ways I have a poly relationship with my recent ex because while we are not sleeping with each other, we care about each other deeply and are helping each other steer through life and dating on a level we never could when we were together, I mean we could watch a movie with a hot chick in it without me reasuring her I didn't find her attractive and yes, I can see all the issues that points on several levels. I am currently single and determined to stay that way for some time. I am torn between my needs (sex, affection, etc.) and a sense of just wanting to be uninvolved with women for a bit. So, I am being quite clear that I am not interested in being with just one person and that means that most turn tail and run. Anyway, I have no idea where I was going other than it isn't whether or not one is poly that is good or bad but the reasons for which you do it and how you treat your partners that matters. As LA would say..."find stable partners, not a stable of partners"...so far I only have the stable and some hay...

Level -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 6:28:11 PM)
quote: Knight of Mists wrote: excellent thread Level..... Most of the comments are not a surprize to me. Some are thoughtful and some are out of ignorance, but they are all common in discussing to be or not to be poly. I will state that relationships succeed and fail for a variety of reasons. the failure of one relationship doesn't dictate the failure of the next... regardless of structure/style etc. However... the reasons for the failure can dictate what types relationships or individuals one shouldn't be involved in. You may have a Failed poly experience... but that doesn't automatically dictate that you should never do poly... no more than you have a failed mono experience and you shouldn't do mono relationships. I think is great that one considers the "WHY" they don't do poly... but such reasons should be based internally and not externally. Just as one chooses not to do poly for internal reasons... one should choose to do poly for internal reasons. Doing it because you partner wants it etc etc.... is a recipe for disaster! One should not be forced into any intimate relationship that they are not intrinsically motivated to do. Thanks Knight. You and your girls, along with Scooter, Jewel, and twice (and others, I'm sure), have gone a long way towards opening my eyes towards poly. I know for a fact that I can care for and love more than one person at a time; now, as to whether or not this will ever lead to even attempting a poly life, I have no idea. But I know the potential is there, and that's a couple of steps further up the ladder of self-knowledge, if nothing else. *waves to bearlee*

KnightofMists -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 6:44:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: losttreasure If under circumstances similar to those that I outlined a dominant surprised me by agreeing to my having a second dominant, after picking my jaw up off the floor, I would most likely sever communication with him. In all honesty, I would consider his willingness to share and be shared an indication of his being less than interested in the depth of relationship that I desire. I might be wrong in that assumption, but the doubt would always be there impeding the level of trust necessary for a meaningful relationship. Nods... yes what you have stated is not something that I haven't said before. But, my point of "Love" is that a person can rationalize why they don't want poly or do want poly all they want. But at the end of the day.... all that really matters... Does one love only in series... or can they love in parallel? Neither is better than the other it's just a question which way a person loves. If one only loves in series then look at building that monogamist relatioship.... if one can love in parallel then ensure that potential partner(s) understand this so they can make an informed choice to be in a relationship with you. Alandra shared this fact with me many years ago... it had a huge impact on my life. I shared this with my beloved kyra and it has had a huge impact on her life. We are who we are... we do not justify it... we just live it.

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 7:15:09 PM)
I don’t know about this poly stuff. I’d just say if you want to see me again, find another girl to bring along and we will all play.

losttreasure -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 7:23:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists But, my point of "Love" is that a person can rationalize why they don't want poly or do want poly all they want. But at the end of the day.... all that really matters... Does one love only in series... or can they love in parallel? Neither is better than the other it's just a question which way a person loves. If one only loves in series then look at building that monogamist relatioship.... if one can love in parallel then ensure that potential partner(s) understand this so they can make an informed choice to be in a relationship with you. Alandra shared this fact with me many years ago... it had a huge impact on my life. I shared this with my beloved kyra and it has had a huge impact on her life. We are who we are... we do not justify it... we just live it. I couldn't agree more. Despite my personal disinterest in a polygamous relationship, I do recognize there there are those for whom this works beautifully and to the benefit of all involved. Your relationship with Alandra and Kyra is an example of just how elegant an intricate dance of three can be. Felicitations. [:)]

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Anti Poly (7/16/2006 8:08:52 PM)
It all comes down to preferences, Some of prefer poly and some dont'. Neither one is better than the other. I have done both and prefer one on one. No it isnt about sex and fucking lots of people. Everyone is entitiled to have their preferences in this lifestyle and live it how they see fit. If you dont like it, so what, Its only my opinion. I can't speak for others why or why not they are for or against poly. I just know what works for me.

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