anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (Full Version)

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TigerKittenBBW -> anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (5/10/2015 7:14:16 PM)

Has anyone lived inside the confines of traditional societal norms (in the vanilla closet) and discovered this lifestyle after many years of marriage and children and come to a crossroad where you had to decide between living this lifestyle fully and fulfilling your personal needs and staying married and doing what you thought was best for your marriage and children?

If so, what was your situation and how did you handle it and what was the outcome?



Lucylastic -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (5/11/2015 8:51:52 AM)

my kinkiness started as a kid, played with it a bit in various relationships , but didnt find "the lifestyle" and all its wonders until I was 36-37(im now 53)
I am married and have 3 kids(all grown now) my hubby is quite a few years older than me, came out to events and was a regular at the munch I ran locally, he met my mentors" and kinky friends, tried submitting to me, and even topping me. But it just wasnt his "thang"
But he was ok with me going to play parties and scening with people just fine.
I met my submissive online in 98, met face to face in 2001.
While I havent had an ultimatum of being forced to choose between the two, by either my hubby or my pet, or his wife, it was obviously a thought that came up on all sides, but early on, we knew that neither of us was willing to give up our spouses and lives.
Most people wouldnt want what we have to this day, and I dont blame them.
You have to be honest with yourself firstly, then your spouse and then your master/sub/slave.
Kids ....are of priority too....and the results of your actions WILL affect them.
Honesty AND communication are a must, even if its messy, or painful or lifechanging.
I have been so damn lucky with my pets wife and my own husband, and we have had problems over the years. But...we didnt break up.
I dont need or want perfection, and compromise....is going to happen.
Think deeply, about where you are now, all the pros and cons....your relationship, is it worth giving up ?relocating, divorce, separation, how it affects your kids, your finances, regret...oh and families.....
This is just my limited personal experience and should not be taken as advice....your mileage may vary
Good luck for the decisions you come to



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (5/11/2015 10:46:23 AM)

Yes and no. I was raised very traditional, Southern Baptist. I didn't learn of BDSM until after I had already left my husband so there weren't those sort of cross roads. I did have to come to terms with what I'd been raised to believe and what I later came to believe after being introduced to a larger world and knowledge than existed in the insulated world of church and family.

I will admit I jumped in with both feet and wholeheartedly, once I learned that so much more existed to do than I'd ever really dreamt of.



camille65 -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (5/11/2015 11:13:08 AM)

Yes. While I knew early on I was different, I thought I could ignore it all.

It wasn't the sole cause of the end of my marriage, there were a lot of factors but needing to be submissive was definitely a part of it ending.



kdsub -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (5/11/2015 12:55:11 PM)

I will be different than most giving you advice I will guess. You made the choice long ago when you decided to have children. Now you must live with that choice and put your personal desires aside for the sake of your responsibilities in the well being of your children. Following your desires and needs not only could but will make a difference in the way they think of you. If there were even a slight chance your new lifestyle will affect them negatively then as a responsible parent you would not pursue them...and yes I did not.

Marriage is different and in marriage you have every right to have happiness. Kink however is not a good reason to end a relationship...But if there is no longer love then kink or not you have the right to pursue happiness.

Sure many here will say things like... "My kids know of my lifestyle and they are not only happy for me but they encourage it".. Will it may be true...but it may also be children not wanting to hurt your feelings... But what ever their feelings it is not how they feel about you but how others will react to them because of you... Will they feel shame.... will they be embarrassed... will they be teased... you get the idea.

So I am advising you not to take the encouragement here and feel empowered... but think very carefully on real world consequences of your actions...How important is your kink and desires in relation to the effect on your family and friends.

Butch



DesFIP -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (5/11/2015 4:11:50 PM)

Many people incorporate kinky sex into a previously vanilla marriage. It doesn't always have to be an either/or thing.

Now if your spouse is prejudiced and hurtful about anything they don't enjoy that doesn't harm others, I'd think that's a much better reason to end the marriage. Thinking it over, trying it a couple of times, and then admitting they don't enjoy it is fine. Calling you sick is not acceptable.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (5/11/2015 5:34:08 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kdsub

I will be different than most giving you advice I will guess. You made the choice long ago when you decided to have children. Now you must live with that choice and put your personal desires aside for the sake of your responsibilities in the well being of your children. Following your desires and needs not only could but will make a difference in the way they think of you. If there were even a slight chance your new lifestyle will affect them negatively then as a responsible parent you would not pursue them...and yes I did not.

Marriage is different and in marriage you have every right to have happiness. Kink however is not a good reason to end a relationship...But if there is no longer love then kink or not you have the right to pursue happiness.

Sure many here will say things like... "My kids know of my lifestyle and they are not only happy for me but they encourage it".. Will it may be true...but it may also be children not wanting to hurt your feelings... But what ever their feelings it is not how they feel about you but how others will react to them because of you... Will they feel shame.... will they be embarrassed... will they be teased... you get the idea.

So I am advising you not to take the encouragement here and feel empowered... but think very carefully on real world consequences of your actions...How important is your kink and desires in relation to the effect on your family and friends.

Butch


I agree and think this is sound advice.



Lucylastic -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (5/11/2015 5:58:12 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Many people incorporate kinky sex into a previously vanilla marriage. It doesn't always have to be an either/or thing.

Now if your spouse is prejudiced and hurtful about anything they don't enjoy that doesn't harm others, I'd think that's a much better reason to end the marriage. Thinking it over, trying it a couple of times, and then admitting they don't enjoy it is fine. Calling you sick is not acceptable.

True!!!



HunterCA -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (5/12/2015 7:02:36 PM)

Those of us in our fifties, from the olden days, didn't have the Internet. I'd guess most of us didn't know others like us, compatible with us, existed. We just assumed the "normal" way of life existed and we didn't some how fit in but had to make the most of it. I don't think that back then a "good girl" submissive would have contemplated being alternative. It just wasn't done. After the Internet came along things changed. I think, a lot of people didn't suddenly find they were different later in life so much as they found they were not the only ones different. The last twenty years or so its been interesting watching the new wave of things with the broader access to alternative insights available.



Throstle -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (8/6/2015 7:36:39 AM)

Well, I don't fit the model sighted in the OP at all. I am 65 and single. I played with kink as a teenage boy, resulting I think from a sexual assault that happened to me as a very young boy.
Contrary to experiencing fear or horror, I enjoyed the episode and it has shaped a great deal of my sex life and fantasy since.
Back then, Homosexuality was really frowned upon and my upbringing was anything but liberal.
As a result, sex for me was clandestine and dirty.
A secret shame!
The vanilla affairs I had were unsatisfying and ultimately, I turned to illicit encounters to fulfill the huge appetite I had for kink.
For this very reason I describe myself as a Kinkster, not a Dominant or Master.
I have no doubt at all that had I had access to the huge web resource that is nowadays taken for granted, my life would have been so much better and happier.
Younger people look down on men like me of my generation. We are variously labelled Creeps, Inadequates and a number of offensive and hurtful names.
Trying to meet people may be a breeze for some, but for me it is a ceaseless disappointment and a never ending catch up.



LookieNoNookie -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (8/6/2015 5:34:15 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: TigerKittenBBW

Has anyone lived inside the confines of traditional societal norms (in the vanilla closet) and discovered this lifestyle after many years of marriage and children and come to a crossroad where you had to decide between living this lifestyle fully and fulfilling your personal needs and staying married and doing what you thought was best for your marriage and children?

If so, what was your situation and how did you handle it and what was the outcome?


Never had to choose but....I did have to decide.



peppermint -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (8/6/2015 8:42:15 PM)

I became interested in all this when I was about 50. Marriage wasn't much to speak of at the time, but I figured I owed it to him to take care of him as his health was bad. Doc had fixed him up and said husband might have 10 years if he was careful. Husband was not interested in any of this nor did he care if I was or wasn't. Two days before he died the sons were over and they were talking about the 63 Impala. Out of the blue my husband blurts, "Your mom is into that BDSM shit." That was followed by a stunned silence on the part of the sons.

After he died I still didn't get involved in all this yet. I figured I needed time to get used to living alone and being just me for a change instead of a we. About a year after he passed away I attended my first munch and shortly thereafter a week long kinky campout.

I met Gary at the campout and 6 months later I quit my job to travel to Arizona where he was spending the winter. He was 64 and I was 54. The boys were understandably worried because they knew what I was doing having been outed. However, Gary took time to visit me and meet my kids, and I met his kids before we decided to get together.

It's been 10 years since Gary and I met. We're still together. Life has sometimes been difficult as Gary has his own health issues, but all has turned out well. I'm glad I waited until the husband had passed away. I might have felt some guilt otherwise. I feel that everything happened at just the right time.



DaddySatyr -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (8/6/2015 11:05:15 PM)


I, too, was "lucky" in that I avoided this lifestyle for a long time; at least until after my marriage ended.

I still had a younger child so, even my dating life was "underground".

The first lady I took up with (over a year after paperwork was filed), introduced me to this lifestyle (sort of).

Even at that, my son didn't meet one of my ladies until six years after the divorce (He was 13, at the time). Parenting is the most important job I've ever had in my life and I didn't want my son seeing a "parade of ladies" coming in and out of my life. So, I was "closeted" for quite a few years.

When my youngest found out about this lifestyle (very superficially) and my involvement in it, he was 16; so, almost an "adult".



Michael



UllrsIshtar -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (8/6/2015 11:17:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TigerKittenBBW

If so, what was your situation and how did you handle it and what was the outcome?


I got pregnant at 21 (while using an IUD for birthcontrol). I didn't want kids, with one of the primary reasons being that they didn't fit in with my desire for kink. The father wanted the kid, so I carried it to term for him, and even stuck around to breastfeed for 9 months (his preference would have been the first year). Then I left them... something we'd agreed to during the pregnancy.

So yes, I've given up my relationship and my kid because of deciding that kink was more important to me. I've never regretted the decision a day in my life.

However, like somebody has already mentioned above, you've made your decision a long time ago by chosing to have children. You made that choice knowing it would mean a minimum of an 18 year long commitment where they would come first.
I understand that you're antsy, frustrated and unhappy now... but that's not really theif fault, nor their choice. I personally feel that you should put taking care of your commitment to them first above your kink desires, though that doesn't mean you can't explore some kink on the side as well.



Throstle -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (8/7/2015 12:40:08 AM)

It is very interesting reading other peoples experiences.
It seems that most of us are drawn to "kink" like a moth to the flame. I say kink as opposed to D/S relationships because I feel there are many variants including a less committed style.
The question of "Promiscuity" is thorny, I know. Many people cannot stomach a number of hook ups, but if kink is a craving that takes a hold, would it not be that taking a chance on an encounter might be cathartic enough to satisfy that urge?
I think that if we try to confine D/S or whatever you call such to fidelity, there is a paradox.
Does anyone feel the same on here?



UllrsIshtar -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (8/7/2015 2:08:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Throstle

The question of "Promiscuity" is thorny, I know. Many people cannot stomach a number of hook ups, but if kink is a craving that takes a hold, would it not be that taking a chance on an encounter might be cathartic enough to satisfy that urge?
I think that if we try to confine D/S or whatever you call such to fidelity, there is a paradox.
Does anyone feel the same on here?


I consider 'kinky' rather than heterosexual, bisexual, or gay my sexual orientation. It's the core of who I am, it's the core of my sexual experience. Without kink, sex is literally meaningless to me. It's physically on par with a pleasant sensation such as a massage.

Kink is the way I connect to my partner. Without it, I am completely and utterly alone.

However, I 100% believe that the basis for any relationship should be fidelity, and I do not in the slightest condone cheating.
That doesn't mean I believe in monogamy -I don't- but merely that I believe that everything should be above board with all the people involved.

Using kinky desires as a reason to justify dishonesty is immoral in my book, as there is no reason whatsoever why kinky self-expression and honesty cannot co-exist.

You're drawn to infidelity, not because of it being kinky, or being 'in line with D/s', but because it's easy. It's easier to lie to your partner and go have your little adventure on the side than to deal with the vulnerability of having to be open and honest, and risk all the pain that might come with it. It's easy and safe... and if you're going to do it for those reasons, you will... but please don't moralize your own behavior by blaming the cause of your dishonesty and disloyalty on kink.



HghHeelgirl -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (8/30/2015 4:04:19 PM)

Yes. I always knew I was 'different' and so did those around me. I had a sexual appetite that my now spouse fulfilled to a degree and often. But after children and his dive into religion that changed drastically. I began to research this many years ago but still held on to the 'wrongness' of it. When I was 45, the yearning to feel alive again was intense so I began chatting with people about this and from there I've ended up here. I wish I had not wasted so much time struggling with myself over who I really am and what makes me happy but I accept it now, to a degree.



crumpets -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (8/30/2015 8:39:00 PM)

We never stop growing. It's a continuum of kink, that changes and evolves as we change and evolve ourselves.



MatureSpaiosexul -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (8/31/2015 2:33:41 AM)

Not myself personally. I got started at 6 when an older woman molested (?) me. She was 8 and required I tie her up, whip her and then took my tiny weenie in her mouth and looked at me with adoration.

I have had a good deal of experience with couples who were in vanilla marriages with one or the other carrying around a very closeted kink. Most of these because of my place in the community were husbands usually drunk and confessing, at times I wondered if I was not like a bdsm priest!

When I met the wives, I often encountered a very vanilla woman who had some of her own fantasies.

Oddly most of the husbands who had fantasies of finding a submissive "fuck slut" they could dominate, in the end turned out to be submissive cuckolds happy to watch their wives with others more Alpha than they.

In the case of the kinky wife, who usually came to me through knowing my subs, the conversion of the husbands were more problematic. I think this is due to them not having a dominant personality and discovering they were not satisfying their wife's needs. We men have rather fragile egos and being informed you are inadequate can be a bit unsettling to say the least.

When the wife in that case could make them feel safe and emotionally secure, they worked things out. In every case, the husband was an active participant. He talked to the men and was present nearly all the time when she was with these dominant men. She constantly expressed her love for her husband and often broke off relationships with men who attempted to get her to leave her husband.

I have only been involved with two couples where the wife was Domme. One was the husband wanted to be Dommed and the wife was a major Christian, but was also pissed and angry woman, truly a domme waiting to be let out of her box.

She and I talked over a number of weeks and finally she got the paradox that for her to "Obey and Follow her husband" she was going to have to both whip and cuckold him. She'd had a number of close calls with other men she found extremely sexually attractive and once she and her husband worked out the logistics, nothing in public, no divorce, and she realized how much he loved her for whipping his ass and his joy at seeing her with her lovers, things settled down.

Eventually they moved in two "associates", one from her company and one from his, one a divorced man and the other never married. The cover was their were looking for places to stay, but remained for years.

The other couple was the oddest I ever encountered. The wife was quite masculine and clearly a Domme. Again she came to me through my a sub and wanted some advice. Her husband was a very mousy looking accountant and at first glance you thought "piece of cake this guy is a sub." Turns out he was just mousy looking.

As I got to know him better, I found one of those mousy looking men of steel. One day his wife just impulsively grabbed his arm and told him that he made her feel safe.

He was at my office the next day for advice on bodybuilding, which honestly I know little about. I do however have a bit of experience as an Olympic skier, professional tennis player and dancer, so he and I set up a program and mouse became the Arnold of the accounting world.

He and his wife ended up being a Dom-Domme couple with slaves of both sexes. When I first met him after meeting her, this was the last thing I imagined happening.

I think we so often think our partner wants something else and I find the delivery is so very important.

My funniest couple were in North Carolina, both from wealthy old planation money who both drunk about 3 weeks apart confessed (Yes, do please call me Father) fantasies of the wife being gang raped by big black buck n!ggers (<actual quote of both) and were convinced if the other knew they were THINKING this they would divorce them.

Being a facilitator, I knew my job. and my god was she hot once that got sorted.

So my advice to anyone who finds themselves in this position that marriage is based on communication. And the most important part is making sure your partner feels SAFE and SECURE.

And having expectations this is going to be easy is not the best idea. I have seen some of these start out looking like divorce, even lawyers sharpening knives and pens to end in marriages made in heaven.

Anyone who wants to PM with specific questions are welcomed to do so.



OvrThRainbow -> RE: anyone ever discovered bdsm later in life and had to decide? (8/31/2015 12:12:54 PM)

Please write a book. I'd love to know how you overcame all the crappola that goes along with realationships such as yours.



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