RE: If you could walk away....

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: If you could walk away....

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: If you could walk away....

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: If you could walk away.... - 5/21/2015 2:33:49 AM

abeauty4Dickhead

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

I think that one's definition of "lifestyle" or even kink changes over time. All of these that say that they could never walk away from the "lifestyle" I have to wonder.... if their partners could no longer participate.... would they walk away from those said partners? I mean view it like this.... those in their 20s think sex sex sex all the time. Then they marry, have kids... and by their 30s and 40s, sex has gone from 3 times a day to 3 times a month.

This "lifestyle" and finding someone is no different than the run of the mill vanilla lifestyle if you ask me. Every person has their "desires" be it blondes, brunettes, tall, short, thin, fat or whatever. That is what makes life interesting and what makes finding that special one that you DO match with all that more special and cherished.

But what do I know...I am on 50 years old and been with my partner over 10 years. I am sure these "youngins" around here are much smarter.

(in reply to Cell)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: If you could walk away.... - 5/21/2015 4:23:57 AM

MariaB

Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

I often think Vanilla is just what someone is until you get to know them.

An astute observation that applies to my understanding of human sexuality. I would go further and say people are vanilla until they are aware enough to know themselves. It takes some degree of self awareness to overcome and go against society's mainstream sexual stereotypes impressed upon us.

^ This

Whilst I may decide to pull away from the lifestyle, I can never be vanilla for the simple reason that I've done the journey and accept the lifesyle...even if it is someone else's and no longer mine.

Gone are the days when I need this lifestyle but that doesn't mean I don't still enjoy bits of it from time to time. I still and always will feel hugely comfortable amongst lifestylers/BDSMers, at least the ones I know and like. There's a cosiness I don't otherwise get from those who are not into this.

15 years ago I would of said that this lifestyle was in my soul and leaving could never be an option. Ten years ago and even five years ago I would of said the same. People change, I certainly have. I enjoy lots of things and BDSM is just one of them but living without it wouldn't destroy me.

_____________________________

My store is http://e-stimstore.com

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: If you could walk away.... - 5/21/2015 2:14:45 PM

experiment2

Posts: 208
Joined: 11/7/2007
Status: offline

from my own personal experiences it is difficult to ever completely walk away from the lifestyle and role you are in. i have left many times to try and live without any connection to or with BDSM or Domme/s connetion. the times i have "escaped" were generaaly after a truly self debasing event, task or activity.

each time i have left the activity over the years were followed by brief periods of euphoria that now i was free of my past desires and interest. it never lasts long perhaps days even weks and on an occassion or two for several months. it seems impossible to ignore all the activities, pictures, web sites and exposure one sees daily that involves the BDSM activitity and Dominant females portrayed in our advertising, entertainment and real life. i always find myself slipping slowly back to what i have been and probably still am, fascinated by Femdom and BDSM activities and situations.

i fully expect to go up and down in my desires to participate and observe in spite of my periodic desires to be free of it all.

(in reply to Cell)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: If you could walk away.... - 5/22/2015 12:19:54 PM

SpyUnderCover

Posts: 208
Joined: 6/21/2010
Status: offline

I think I could walk away, and I've considered doing so.

I do not think of myself as being in "the community" or "the lifestyle," mainly because it's not the be-all, end-all of my existence. It's something I enjoy; I prefer to relate this way, but I don't need to. And sometimes when I look around at all my gear and accoutrements, I wish I'd kept my life less complicated and hadn't invested all that money for that stuff. I wish I didn't have this unusual "secret" that I have to be careful about sharing with acquaintances. And the percentage of emotionally healthy potential partners seems even smaller within the world of BDSM than it does in the world at large.

Spy

(in reply to experiment2)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: If you could walk away.... - 5/22/2015 3:43:33 PM

sweetieDA

Posts: 129
Joined: 4/3/2015
Status: offline

There is no difference for me between vanilla and D/s.

When I am in a vanilla relationship, I still enjoy painful sex (like anal) I still do the housework (men are often lazy) and I still defer to their preferences.

I like a particular kind of relationship. I find myself in that kind of relationship whether they call it D/s or not.

Maybe find yourself a bossy woman who likes oral and content yourself with that.

(in reply to pleasure5ub)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: If you could walk away.... - 5/22/2015 4:01:56 PM

dreamlady

Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SpyUnderCover

And the percentage of emotionally healthy potential partners seems even smaller within the world of BDSM than it does in the world at large.

Unfortunately, this has been my experience as well. Not the most popular "party line" position to take, but the maladjusted and/or duplicitous have a near-perfect smokescreen in which to operate virtually undetected.

- Just call it a kink or a fetish and they get a judgment-free pass on their conduct or misconduct, whatever methodology gets employed to serve their own selfish purposes and to feed their addictions.

- Find some fool to go along with their foolishness, and then it magically becomes a consensual activity. Never mind that it doesn't involve fully informed consent or causes peripheral damage (such as sneaking behind spouse's or vanilla gf/bf's back*).

- Gullible newbies who will believe just about anything they're told, throwing caution to the wind while in subfevered states.

- Throw in on-line anonymity for good measure and further lack of any accountability.

DreamLady

* Which also includes sneaking behind Master or Mistress's back by (continuing to) date vanilla to satisfy their vanilla sexual needs, those who hire BDSM providers when out of town on business, Doms who can't get their bottoming needs met by their primary sub partners and seek out a female (usually) to Top them, etc.

< Message edited by dreamlady -- 5/22/2015 4:14:39 PM >

(in reply to SpyUnderCover)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: If you could walk away.... - 5/22/2015 5:45:53 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamlady

quote:

ORIGINAL: SpyUnderCover

And the percentage of emotionally healthy potential partners seems even smaller within the world of BDSM than it does in the world at large.

Unfortunately, this has been my experience as well. Not the most popular "party line" position to take, but the maladjusted and/or duplicitous have a near-perfect smokescreen in which to operate virtually undetected.

- Just call it a kink or a fetish and they get a judgment-free pass on their conduct or misconduct, whatever methodology gets employed to serve their own selfish purposes and to feed their addictions.

- Find some fool to go along with their foolishness, and then it magically becomes a consensual activity. Never mind that it doesn't involve fully informed consent or causes peripheral damage (such as sneaking behind spouse's or vanilla gf/bf's back*).

- Gullible newbies who will believe just about anything they're told, throwing caution to the wind while in subfevered states.

- Throw in on-line anonymity for good measure and further lack of any accountability.

DreamLady

* Which also includes sneaking behind Master or Mistress's back by (continuing to) date vanilla to satisfy their vanilla sexual needs, those who hire BDSM providers when out of town on business, Doms who can't get their bottoming needs met by their primary sub partners and seek out a female (usually) to Top them, etc.

I don't know how to react to this because on the surface, the BDSM world does look like a bunch of crazy fucks. However, underneath I think we are as balanced or maybe even more balanced than our vanilla counterparts.

Both sides certainly have their share crazies and are just as screwed up at the ends of the spectrum. But to me it feels like our BDSM middle ground, the percentage of people operating with a good healthy growing mind is a broader slice of the pie than the vanilla world.

Also, vanillas don't go against the social grain as much as we do. So they tend to hide their crazy to fit in where we tend to wear our kinks and our crazy like a badge. So even if the percentages of emotionally unhealthy in the vanilla world and the BDSM world were exactly the same, we are going to look crazier because we show it instead of hiding it.

Just my two cents.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to dreamlady)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: If you could walk away.... - 5/23/2015 1:41:46 AM

WellShinedBoots

Posts: 16
Joined: 5/5/2015
Status: offline

Many times I have found myself frustrated while looking for interactions in the scene, and many times I've entertained the idea of leaving as a result. What has worked best for me so far is to relax, skip a few parties, focus on the non-scene aspects of my life, then jump back in once the hopeless feelings have diminished. Retreat, rest, then once more unto the breach.

It is true that a male submissive specifically looking for a female dominant does have the numbers against him, and all romantic ideals aside this does matter. If the person you're looking for is one in a million, or even one in a thousand, it will be hard to find that person in a pool of ten. I primarily top, but would bottom much more often if this was not the case. (Of course, finding a good partner is difficult in any case, but the numbers are another complicating factor here.) Indeed, the search may be long.

Finally, to more directly answer your question, I'm confident that I could step away from the scene if I had to, but it would take years and may be impossible to step away from my desires. If your desire is healthy D/s, you may be able to find someone outside the scene who has or could develop a zest for topping, but the scene is probably still a good bet.

(in reply to MiaCastle)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: If you could walk away.... - 5/23/2015 11:45:59 AM

Charles6682

Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline

I can relate to the OP's concern. As a male sub myself, who has been this way most of my life, the thought of just leaving has crossed my mind and I have tried. Yet, this is who I am. If it was just as simple as saying, "that's it, I'm not a sub" anymore, then I would have done that years ago. Part of me loves being a sub and another part of me hates it. It is true, being a Male Sub and trying to find a Female Domme, well, the numbers and statics are not in the favor of the Male Sub at all. I know I am not getting any younger and the idea of finding the ideal Fem Domme, seems more to me like a fantasy tale. It makes great for kinky novels but in real life, it just seems like a fairy tale. Sure, some Subs do find the ideal Domme and life is happy ever after. However, that seems more like an exception rather than the rule. If kinky sub fantasies are the only thing that keep me coming back to this fantasy world, then I should rethink my path. Respect for Women is a great thing. That part of me would never change. Respect for anyone that respects me is a 2 way street. I think its healthy for me to take a step back from time to time and see where I am in my life's journey.

< Message edited by Charles6682 -- 5/23/2015 11:48:11 AM >

_____________________________

Charley aka Sub Guy

http://www.Facebook.com/SubGuy

https://Twitter.com/SubGuy6682

(in reply to MiaCastle)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: If you could walk away.... - 5/23/2015 9:41:17 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

Yeah..I think I would 😔.. I have never been one for being "different". I never want to stand out or be different and, like it or not...we ARE considered different. Alas...I have found that vanilla does not work for me (maybe if I could find a vanilla man with a dominant personality but they seem to be mythical creatures LOL) so it is kink or celibacy

(in reply to MiaCastle)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: If you could walk away.... - 5/24/2015 1:34:32 AM

dreamlady

Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

I have found that vanilla does not work for me (maybe if I could find a vanilla man with a dominant personality but they seem to be mythical creatures LOL) so it is kink or celibacy

Referring back to ResidentSadist's associations, maybe it's because I attract eccentric types that when others speak of vanilla as being the same as conventional, this conformist mentality doesn't register with me. I do encounter men with dominant personalities, TieMeInKnotts, and like dominant vanilla women, they tend to seek a partner who is slightly less or slightly more dominant than they are; and if not dominant, then of equal or greater power and initiative. That would be a problem for a submissive woman (or submissive man) who wants to relinquish control and not take on or help shoulder decision-making responsibilities.

I don't think my experience is unique. Vanillas with natural leadership skills and abilities do not feel threatened by surrounding themselves with other capable leaders, as long as they're on the same team. They encourage independent thought with coordinated action. Only insecure or inexperienced (drafted) leaders feel they have to throw their weight around.

This BDSM-flavored type of polarized D/s is what is more foreign to me. I've tried to make a go of it for several years, and it doesn't have sustaining power. In other words, the power exchange is perfunctory instead of having the enduring qualities I want, and I end up feeling drained instead of revitalized. As much as I enjoy being an inspirational muse, I also need that inspirational quality in my mate, beyond devoted idolatry. I don't need a perpetual kid brother who won't ever grow up or step up to the plate on his own. How good of a coach would I be if my star athlete couldn't function without me?

The larger issue for me personally is that BDSM is not, has never been, and will never be a high priority in my life. Kink does not rule. At best, it is an adjunct to having a D/s relationship dynamic.

Therefore, finding others of like mind in a BDSM setting is almost counterproductive, since their priorities are ruled by their kinks and fetishes more often than not. Not everyone, but those I could possibly consider as partnership material.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Charles6682

. . . the idea of finding the ideal Fem Domme, seems more to me like a fantasy tale.

It's because you moved too far South.

DreamLady

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Profile

Post #: 51

RE: If you could walk away.... - 5/24/2015 10:46:18 PM

AllTheThings

Posts: 25
Joined: 12/29/2014
Status: offline

I like the place I'm in right now so I'm good. No need to walk away atm.

(in reply to MiaCastle)

Profile

Post #: 52

RE: If you could walk away.... - 5/25/2015 7:47:01 PM

twiddlebump

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/11/2012
Status: offline

I would walk away, simply because I cannot find someone with compatible needs that doesn't lie to me. I have a vivid imagination and if I could find a vanila man that care for me I would walk away in a NY minute, my brain although would not.

(in reply to pleasure5ub)

Profile

Post #: 53

RE: If you could walk away.... - 5/26/2015 12:34:41 PM

Charles6682

Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline

Maybe that it is. I might have moved a little too far South. I am originally from Upstate NY. I just wanted to get out of the cold winters! Like so many other people from cold climates. I meet more people from "up North" than I do to people who are actually from here, lol.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Charles6682

. . . the idea of finding the ideal Fem Domme, seems more to me like a fantasy tale.

It's because you moved too far South.

DreamLady

< Message edited by Charles6682 -- 5/26/2015 12:35:20 PM >

_____________________________

Charley aka Sub Guy

http://www.Facebook.com/SubGuy

https://Twitter.com/SubGuy6682

(in reply to dreamlady)

Profile

Post #: 54