ownedgirlie
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Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ArtimisBlack
We may not have known if we were Dominant, submissive, or switch but we all found out (or are in the process of doing so). Either way, I know it’s a learning process usually. That’s why the replies in thread on how to train an online slave surprised me a bit because for the most part people offered criticism rather then advice. Many of the replies asked why the OP considered himself a Dom. It got me wondering how we all started out, both Doms, switches, and subs. What made you consider yourself Dominant/submissive/switch? Which experiences taught you the most and helped you find your way?
I made a choice not to go to that thread, and your post confirms my decision. However it seems it sparked an interesting question in you, so perhaps it was not all bad. :)
Growing up, I didn't know what I was, only that I felt shameful of my thoughts. From my earliest memories, I had all these "weird" thoughts that I wasn't supposed to have. They weren't normal. So I didn't share them. As a toddler I was punished for ...let's call it "self discovery" (lol I remember discovering an orgasm at a crazy-early age, although I didn't know that's what it was then, obviously). Throughout my growing years - as early as elementary school - I had bondage and cage fantasies, or of being totally enslaved to someone. I had no clue about D/s, M/s, or BDSM then. I thought I was mentally ill (some would argue that I was/am).
In my adult-hood, I searched for something to fill this horrible void in me. Along came the internet and with the internet came all the erotic stories I could want. I went straight for the "girl gets tied up and used" type stories. I thought something was wrong with me for enjoying them. Then came the introduction of chat rooms. I found yahoo's role playing rooms and had a field day. I could - real or unreal - capture the attention of anyone claiming to be male, and do the cyber-sex thing - giving myself an orgasm to "real time interaction" rather than to just reading a story. Cool! Of course all the RP stuff I did were bondage and force type fantasies, and after I got off, and supposedly the other guy got off, and we went our merry ways...I was left sitting there feeling totally empty. I wondered, what is WRONG with me?? I got off on making someone feel good. I got off on feeling totally subservient to a stranger. I had issues.
I was submissive in all other relationships with men - my bosses, my male friends, my husband at the time. I was misguided a lot, as a result. I felt lost in a very big world. And then I happened upon a Bondage chat room. My eyes lit up. Here were all these people talking about all the things I was feeling inside - and they had names for these feelings. Suddenly I was no longer the only person in the world to feel as I did. It was normal for these women to feel compelled to submit. I learned there were people who identified themselves as Dominants (yes, I later came to learn the "self proclaimed" flaw) and there were those who responded to them, called submissives, and slaves. While I now see chat rooms as a lot of fantasy and little reality, at the time, I thought, "WOW!" It was the beginning of my real journey of self discovery.
It was in this place I met (online) a dominant male who would be part of my journey for the next few years. We never met in person, but spoke daily for great lengths. He introduced me to a lot of my inner feelings. He helped me through some major inhibitions. It was through him and some other male dominants I had become friends with (and others that used me for their fantasies and left me hurt), which I realized I was submissive with an inner drive toward slavery. A lot of things happened between that dominant and I which left us both quite pained, and the relationship ended. I never touched his skin, but no one will ever convince me my emotions were not real. After that, I met a local Dom, real time, who did not use me so much physically, but emotionally tortured me to the point I was convinced I was really not cut out to be slave or even a submissive, and would be hard pressed to believe I could be pleasing to anyone.
And then a few days after I pried myself from that "relationship" (I had been berated for 30 days straight, and thought I deserved it so stayed to take it - plus, wasn't that what a submissive was supposed to do? To take an emotional beating if her Dom so chose?), Master found me by happenstance, and brought me to where I am today. I had "warned" him to not bother with me, that I was not really submissive, that I could never please him. I told him I was bitter and angry and would probably just frustrate him. But he saw in me what I did not, and he pulled emotions out of me that had been long buried. Slowly I came out of my cocoon, and I remember when I begged him to train me as his slave, I was trembling and crying, scared to death yet knowing this was my calling. I was not looking for a rescuer, but he rescued me from myself anyway.
And now, I am enslaved to him. I am living all those things I craved as a youngster, and more. The "more" part is the emotional, mental, and intellectual connection that I never realized could exist in such a relationship. My road, like many others in this "lifestyle," has been rocky, but I am at my pot of gold. :)
Wow. Didn't mean to write so much! As my aunt once said, Everyone in my family will take 500 words to say what could be said in 20. Apparently I inherited that gene. :)
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