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Newcomer meetings - what are your experiences? - 6/13/2015 9:23:13 AM

moonbeast

Posts: 13
Joined: 8/12/2007
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Hello,

lately I have been asked to assist with our local newcomer meetings. Even as I have my own ideas what I would like to do (if the circumstance permits) and know how my peers and predecessors run the event, I am still curious how others do it. - You might always learn something new. :-)

So I would like to know from those who have run such meetings:
- which kind of information do you want to bring across?
- which styles do you prefer / or have the best experiences with?
(open talks, lectures, etc)

And from those that just attended or plan to attend:
- what are your expectations?

Best regards,
Moonbeast

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RE: Newcomer meetings - what are your experiences? - 6/14/2015 7:42:19 AM

crumpets

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Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
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- which kind of information do you want to bring across?

At a first meeting (such as a munch), for a noob to benefit most, it would be nice if there is a written resource (maybe a business card with a URL to a list of local resources, a sheet of paper with those resources printed, an email reflector, whatever) that has a list of local resources for the noob that cater to D/s needs.

- which styles do you prefer / or have the best experiences with? (open talks, lectures, etc)

I'm thinking munch more so than open talks or lectures, where, at a munch, you can do it the southern-cross style, which is to just sit down, eat, talk, and leave - or - you can do it the san-jose style, which is to initiate the meeting with a roundtable self-introduction of a few sentences (starting with the regulars, whose practiced and somewhat humorous intros would give the nervous noob a chance to compose their thoughts).

- what are your expectations?

Since I have mostly only been to munches, I'll talk about noob's at munches (dungeons are extremely boring for a single male noob so that would be the topic of a different post). It's hard to say what the expectations are if you've already been to a munch - but - trying to put my thoughts back to that very first day - I'd say that you'd expect more of a game atmosphere than what a munch really is, which is just a bunch of like-minded people eating dinner for a really long time.

By a game atmosphere, I kind of mean to imply the style of getting-to-know-you activities that a typical college orientation or a business orientation for new employees employs. They generally have some kind of event where you spend a minute or two getting to know everyone in the room. Just by way of one example, they could randomly assign everyone a card with one word on it, such as "submissive" "top" "bottom" "slave" "gorean" "femdom" "maledom" "masochist" "sadist" (and so on), where each person would have to "explain" for a minute to a randomly assigned partner what they thought of the word (or vice versa - each person would ASK the random other what they thought of the word).

That's just one example - but if you want, I could come up with many (as could anyone here).

That this kind of "getting-to-know-you" doesn't really happen in the Silicon Valley (palo alto, san jose, southern cross, etc.) munches was probably my biggest let down when I was a raw munch noob. Now, I realize that munches aren't orientations - and that's that - but to a noob - they could be thought of that at first.

/2 cents

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RE: Newcomer meetings - what are your experiences? - 6/17/2015 2:39:31 AM

moonbeast

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Hello crumpet,
thanks for your answers.

With us it's so far more a kind of lecture. After a short introduction we talk about the club history, sometimes manage to explain a few words like what is BDSM, Top, Sub. etc. and then go on about locations in the city, the various munches and get togethers. Finally we have a couple of book recommendations.

What I am missing here is a bit of safety information ... almost nothing about getting covered or basic safety tips (e.g. don't drink and play)
Also the whole psychological aspect is missing. I find lots of newcomers at munches or theme based talks that ask those basic questions like "Is it okay, what I do/feel? Or am I sick?" - "But how can I submit to my man and still respect myself" ... you know the drill :-) ... but those are not really the right places to get those answers.

Some people told me that is too much for a first-time event and would scare people away. On the other hand you can find all the locations and events on the internet. So there is no real need to visit a newcomers meeting for that.

And before I am told to ask the newcomers themselves: First I want to attract some of those who do not come to the meeting, and of course I can't ask them. And second it's sometimes quite hard to get straight answers from nervous people (before the meeting) or people that are overwhelmed and a bit confused (after the meeting).

Regards,
Moonbeast

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RE: Newcomer meetings - what are your experiences? - 6/20/2015 2:08:46 PM

Andalusite

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I think those sorts of answers are precisely the sort of thing that a newbie event is ideal to cover. You can have a handout with local events, some etiquette tips, a glossary, etc. Some newbie events here are kinda workshops/samplers that are hands-on, others are munches (or a small designated spot in the social area of a dungeon) for them to hang out, etc. Usually there's a brief discussion about limits and safewords (both verbal, and a drop/etc. for if they are gagged or go non-verbal). Icebreaker games sound like a lot of fun!

Crumpets, I'm here in the Silicon Valley as well, and have found that some munches are super newbie-friendly and are a bit more structured to do introductions and such. However, a lot of them can be a little overwhelming to try to have discussions at. Either you wind up with people breaking into the conversation, or people are so spread out it's tough for me to hear them, or whatever. I'm sorry you've had a bad experience with dungeons as a newbie, have you tried some of the hands-on classes that are focused on newcomers?

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RE: Newcomer meetings - what are your experiences? - 6/21/2015 7:16:48 AM

preytolife

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Joined: 11/29/2010
From: LaLa Land
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I wrote out several paragraphs before I saw that you'd clarified what you need.

Ask them what they think. Let them define their experience. They're all adults and supposedly have some experience being adults.

Go over options for safety, stress that your way isn't the only way but you can give them examples. Set the rules out for the club and then let them know that they can practice their kink however they like and that they have to find their own way. Try to avoid one true wayisms because that's a nasty habit and some will take it as gospel. Go over what they might see and what to do if they feel uncomfortable or if something goes wrong.

I ran events for 2 years before burning out and I tried my best to make people comfortable asking questions and giving criticism. I wanted the kinky people coming into my community to informed but capable of speaking up for themselves. I know there's an urge to want to tell them all the things and be comprehensive and protect them blah blah blah... But if you take a breath and ask them what they want to know and let them think on it then they'll let you know what you need to know. I wouldn't even bring up the "am I sick?" argument in relation to BDSM unless one of them does, they'll pick up on it naturally as long as you're relaxed.

You may need to talk about personal boundaries. We did. We have a booming swingers scene here and many of them are not very good about consent and personal space. Talk about it, even if your noobs know this stuff it will reassure them if you reaffirm consent and the fact that no one is going to come up and grab them. And anyone insulted by those ideas can take a long hike off a short cliff.

Assume that your noobs will not read any information you give them. If they need to know it then say it.

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RE: Newcomer meetings - what are your experiences? - 6/29/2015 7:59:23 AM

moonbeast

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@Andalusite
Thanks for your input. Some of our clubs here offer so called "After Work Parties" where there is no dresscode and almost non or only light play. It's the recommended event for first time visitors. Else I agree that a big munch can be a bit overwhelming. Ours main event hat 30-40 attendees each week and sometimes it's hard to have a more serious conversation.

@preytolife
Oh, I certainly would have been interested in those first paragraphs. I was deliberately obscure in my first post as I wanted your unbiased opinions about newcomer meetings.
To avoid the TrueWay(TM) problem, we try to have at least two presenter with different approaches. Next time I (D/s type) will work with a female rigger and after that hopefully with one of our pet-play guys.
Else I agree with asking what they want to know. That way I can hopefully answer their most pressing questions and get a kind of conversation going. Instead of a onw-way lecture.
And thanks for mentioning the personal boundaries issues. So far I subsumed that into "how to behave in a dungeon". But it might really be a good idea to stress that a bit more. We also have (thanks to THE BOOK) a big overlap with the swinger and party-oriented-latex people.

About the written information I tend to disagree. You can't remember everything that's said that evening, and I guess I will go with a single sheet containing some URLs for further information (Clubs, Munches and regular events) as well as a book list with some of the basic works. (I know everyone tends to define something different as 'basic' and 'important', but you have to start somewhere). If they do not know or remember the basic etiquette tips, they better learn it the hard way - and fast.

Thank you all for your thoughts,
Moon-Beast

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RE: Newcomer meetings - what are your experiences? - 6/29/2015 2:10:06 PM

crazyml

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Ya know.. I have a feeling you'll do a pretty good job.

The only advice I have is...

Try to avoid one true wayism (and I am not saying this because I think you'd be prone to it)... while there are some basic rules, and the munch probably has rules (even if they're informal). If anything i'd emohasise that there isn't "one way"

That said... I would talk about what "risk aware" means... and point to resources around safety etc as they apply to different kinks ... rope bondage calls for a different first aid kit to say, flogging.

I would talk a little about "consent"

I think some things would definitely be handy if written down too... cheat sheets if you like

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