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RE: D/s vs vanilla - 6/29/2015 1:40:49 PM

Kaliko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug

quote:

ORIGINAL: moonbeast

I know it's a cliché, but many people in vanilla relationships do not talk about the mechanisms, sometimes they even do not see them. On the other hand in those working D/s relationships (i.e. 2 years+) I know (and had) both sides are are clear about their needs and expectations.

I wouldn't say that people in "working D/s relationships" have the market cornered on being clear about needs and expectations. Not from what I've seen at least.

I would, but that's only my own experience, so I can't attribute the same to all "working D/s relationships." But I know that there is a whole lot less tip-toeing around things now than there was in my vanilla relationships. The clarity is sometimes dealt with a deafening blow, but there's clarity, alright.

I think that my vanilla partners were either not inclined to speak up too much about what they wanted from me, or felt they had no right to say so. And who knows - maybe my own behavior caused them to think that way. But whatever the reason, my personal experience is definitely that needs and expectations are much clearer now than in any vanilla relationships I've had.

< Message edited by Kaliko -- 6/29/2015 2:15:39 PM >

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RE: D/s vs vanilla - 6/30/2015 12:48:47 AM

MariaB

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...My vanilla relationships were so unclear and that lack of clarity attributed to those relationships being topsy turvy. I have always been naturally assertive and although the men in my vanilla relationships enjoyed that assertion, it was also the thing that caused constant arguments.

I'm now married to a very assertive dominant man and he's married to a very assertive dominant woman. It should be a car crash but its not because we both fully understand and can laugh at our disagreements. We have been able to adapt and I've been able to accept a back seat in some of the decision making and he's done the same for me. Although its not D/s, its a deep understanding and acceptance of how we are wired.

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RE: D/s vs vanilla - 6/30/2015 5:13:48 AM

littleladybug

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I believe that it's as simple (and complicated) as finding someone compatible to you- whether that's D/s or not.

I don't see PE relationships as a "special animal". After all, what works for me won't necessarily work for the next person. And there's no reason why it should have to.

There are quite a few people in my life who would be absolutely miserable in a PE relationship, yet have very successful relationships in their own right. Which prompted my comment about re: being clear about needs and expectations. I don't see that in any way "lacking" in their relationships.

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RE: D/s vs vanilla - 6/30/2015 7:13:31 AM

shiftyw

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I'm not his submissive.

We are only kinky in the bedroom.

I'm gonna say- our expectations of each other are wildly clear outside the bedroom, and we communicate very clearly. I LIKe being involved the decisions we make and so does he. I never feel lost.

I don't consider my relationship D/s and I don't think D/s relationships have anything cornered- while it may work better for those individuals- it doesn't invalidate those working vanilla relationships either. Just because your relationship has more rules doesn't necessarily mean it runs better.

Im sure everyone would love to feel more deeply connected to their partners because they are kinky- but it's just not the case for everything and you aren't "better" at relationships than a vanilla person, that's just an ego thing. You can have a different relationship style than a vanilla person, but who is to say it's superior rather than equal to their relationship?

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RE: D/s vs vanilla - 6/30/2015 8:38:57 AM

UllrsIshtar

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No, totally different values would apply. Primarily because I believe that the 'ideal' value system, to try to emulate/live up to doesn't look the same for somebody leading, as it does somebody following, as it does for an independent entity.

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