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Husbandidntgive1 -> Guidance (7/21/2015 9:28:04 AM)

Hello all,
I am looking just for advice so that I can make my husband even happier. Not so I can top from the bottom. Firstly i need help on how to discuss these issues with him without destroying the excitement anticipation and mystery but still getting what I need in order for our marriage to be more harmonious. We do not talk about bdsm. At all. Ever. And we have been struggling with communication because sometimes he is not clear about what he wants and then I'm in trouble, sometimes he doesn't make a decision and then I am in trouble for what I decide. Mostly I would like him to be more exact with his instructions. I need to know how to get him to do these things without asking because I don't want him to feel criticized. Sometimes when he asks me to do more squats or what I ate I don't react the right way and I just wish he would learn a better way to approach that subject. I don't want us to have some "lifestyle" that defines us or paints us into a corner so I am glad he's not involved in any of the self evaluation stuff but sometimes I think people active in this community know better how to deal with these things. Thank you in advance.
Very respectfully,
His



Pballer123 -> RE: Guidance (7/21/2015 10:24:21 AM)

First things first, you are on the right track, you recognise that you two do have a problem and you have determined what it is, clear communication. I just finished up this weeekend with Northern Exposure here in Anchorage and one of the presenters touched on communication. He said that sometimes he or his slave make signals to indicate that they need clarification or additional direction. For example Master Griffin Mentions that it is his slave's job to open the doors for him so if his slave forgets when he gets to a door he will march in place in front of the door till slave gets the message. If you anticipate a troublesom situation ahead of timelike how to fix his eggs in the morning or how exactly he likes his pillows laid out on the bed, for heavens sake ask questions , but do not forget so that he does not have to keep repeating. Keeping a journal of his answers will also help and you maight ask him if here is a time of the day that can just be set aside for Q&A to help you be of better service.



Husbandidntgive1 -> RE: Guidance (7/21/2015 11:17:22 AM)

I don't need a journal for those things I have been with him for years so I already know how to make things exactly how he likes them but when I have to make my own decisions about things like social interactions or times when I am on the spot it's harder to know what all he would want. I ask him and a lot of times he leaves it up to me to decide then is angry about my answers. Doing all of the regular things is easy. I wish he would just make up his mind about everything else. I mostly do not interact with men but now I work with his CMC and sometimes I have to interact with men and I think he gets jealous but I only work there because he wants me to, I don't ever do anything bad. I just feel sad and alone when I am in trouble for doing what I think is right so I wish he would just be precise in his direction. Its frustrating.



FrankAr -> RE: Guidance (7/21/2015 12:48:01 PM)

I see this as ONE big thing. He does not want anything to do with BDSM, as you have pointed out, BUT you do. It clashes, and until you are on the same age, it will always clash. You are trying to force him into a corner with trying to lead him into a BDSM life, and the end result will not be good.

Unless you both go on the same page, then it is going to crack the relationship and he will do 2 things. Hate you for trying to change him and leave you. Change into a Dom or a Master or even a submissive or a slave, and then he will leave you because there are many more fish in the sea and since you have opened the door into this new life, you are not any more wanted in his.

You want to open the can of worms, the reality is that unless you both get on the same page without forcing the other, and right now as you write the posts, I do see it as forcing him, the clashing is going to increase.

The bottom line, go see a professional because there might be something underlying about all of this and you and him might not know about it.

Frank Ar.



UllrsIshtar -> RE: Guidance (7/21/2015 1:06:40 PM)

You cannot make a man dominate you more. You cannot make him be more consistent.

He will dominate you to the extend that pleases him, which he currently is doing. He will be consistent to the extend that pleases him, which he is currently doing.

The issue is that you feel that what he is doing isn't sufficient for you to find the fulfillment you need. However, attempting to change him or inspire him to do more isn't going to work, because it wouldn't be him doing what he wants to do (as he's doing that already). You need to either reshape your own mindset to find fulfillment in serving him the way, and at the level, he currently has you serve him, or you need to leave him.
Any attempt at making him dominate and control you more, and be more consistent than his natural inclination is to do will fail.

If he's going to change at all (if) it will come from within himself. You cannot cause this change to occur.



sexyred1 -> RE: Guidance (7/21/2015 1:10:51 PM)

OP,

Honestly, it sounds like your husband is giving mixed signals and that would confuse anyone. It would piss me off, frankly.

He should either explicitly give you instructions, or let you make decisions and discuss them after the fact, not in anger.

It sounds like he has some issues if he tells you to decide, then always gets mad.

Communication on both sides is paramount here. Never be afraid to ask for clarity.



DerangedUnit -> RE: Guidance (7/21/2015 1:25:10 PM)

If you want him to tell you to do more things you have to pretend it's the most exciting thing in the world. For example if he tells you to do more squats jump up with a smile on your face and do them. Get really excited every time he asks for something and comment on it's effects later "wow is it just me ir is my ass looking better after all those squats, thank you for having me do that *kiss*"

It's not a matter if whether ir not it will work but it's hard to keep up especially if he's a natural pessimist. Having someone be in a bad mood or ignore you while you are trying to be excited makes it hard to keep up, but if you really want it...

Dont ask him to do something or how he feels about it, just act how you want him to respond. Be excited if you want more of something, sad if you want less. Pretty simple but tedious.



sexyred1 -> RE: Guidance (7/21/2015 1:32:08 PM)

I see that as game playing. What is the problem with asking for clarification or asking any question?

If you are walking on eggshells, something is very wrong.



DesFIP -> RE: Guidance (7/21/2015 2:15:40 PM)

I'd be royally pissed if he expected me to be a mind reader. Answer questions, don't make me make a decision so you have the excuse of being angry at me when it was your fault to begin with.

But these aren't bdsm skills. These are basic vanilla relationship skills. He's being passive aggressive and that's never acceptable.

Tell him you aren't going to take this any more. If he wants you to work for him, then he needs to get over you interacting with his coworkers. If he doesn't want you to interact with them, then you stop working for him and get a job in a women's retail establishment. He doesn't get to have it both ways nor does he get to take out his anger on you. Because that's abusive.

If he can't make a decision, then someone else will and he has to deal with the decision they made.

Forget about bdsm, he needs to learn to grow up.



daniel1973 -> RE: Guidance (7/21/2015 4:25:56 PM)

Same here. When my master made me his slave it was for a clear purpose: I wanted to please him and he wanted to be pleased by me. No preaching, no hard feelings, just the occasional walk to the woodshed.



Husbandidntgive1 -> RE: Guidance (7/22/2015 5:30:13 AM)

Thank you everyone!! Very helpful advice and great points. One person implying I am forcing bdsm on him saying that he wants nothing to do with it, I would just like to clarify. My husband doesn't want anything to do with the bdsm community. He also does not want to be labeled but he is very much and always has been a dominant both in and out of the bedroom. I am always open to advice and tips on how to be the very best wife in the world. Thank you all again for the help!!
Very respectfully,
Mrs.Williams



spellslave -> RE: Guidance (7/22/2015 6:06:11 AM)

There is no such thing as 'the very best wife in the world' because what one person's view of a best wife is, is not going to be the same as the view held by someone else. There is no award, there is no trophy, there is no 'first place' outside of what standards, goals and limits your husband may set. Ask *him* what would make you the best wife in the world in his eyes. After all, it is his view that is the most important here, rather than the views of strangers around the globe who, as I mentioned before, will vary in their view of best wife/submissive material is.



Husbandidntgive1 -> RE: Guidance (7/22/2015 8:43:33 AM)

With all due respect I say best wife in the world referring to my husband and how he views me. I am confused as to your reply because it seems to suggest that getting ideas and tips and perspective from others is pointless, anyone who has been married for as long as I have knows that sometimes it's good to get new ideas, mostly because my husband already believes I am the best wife in the world and I still always strive to do better. Its my quest for knowledge in all things that helps keep me ahead in life. If I ever reach some point in life where I no longer seek answers I will probably just die.



spellslave -> RE: Guidance (7/22/2015 9:05:21 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Husbandidntgive1

With all due respect I say best wife in the world referring to my husband and how he views me. I am confused as to your reply because it seems to suggest that getting ideas and tips and perspective from others is pointless, anyone who has been married for as long as I have knows that sometimes it's good to get new ideas, mostly because my husband already believes I am the best wife in the world and I still always strive to do better. Its my quest for knowledge in all things that helps keep me ahead in life. If I ever reach some point in life where I no longer seek answers I will probably just die.


I wasn't suggesting not to ask. Just that different people will have different ideas, that may not align with what your husband feels is the right thing for you. Ask 10 people the same question and you'll get 12 different answers. Triangulate people's responses and perhaps show him the thread?



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Guidance (7/22/2015 10:22:26 AM)

I can't decide if hubby is just a passive aggressive boy child who, although he may very well be sexually dominant, couldn't lead 'himself' out of a paper bag with a seeing eye dog, or if wifey is the one sending the mixed messages.

Clues? Her nick (wtf does it even mean) and the fact she's on here without his permission. Most definitely smacks of him 'not domming her right.'

You know, the sex part is easy (well, it's supposed to be at least) it's the relationship part that you have to work on. I'm not sure why he won't tell her how he expects her to behave. Is she supposed to be a mind reader, or does he expect that after being together for 'years' she'd retain some non-verbal clues as to what his expectations actually are?

YOU decide.






ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Guidance (7/22/2015 10:28:53 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

If you want him to tell you to do more things you have to pretend it's the most exciting thing in the world. For example if he tells you to do more squats jump up with a smile on your face and do them. Get really excited every time he asks for something and comment on it's effects later "wow is it just me ir is my ass looking better after all those squats, thank you for having me do that *kiss*"

It's not a matter if whether ir not it will work but it's hard to keep up especially if he's a natural pessimist. Having someone be in a bad mood or ignore you while you are trying to be excited makes it hard to keep up, but if you really want it...

Dont ask him to do something or how he feels about it, just act how you want him to respond. Be excited if you want more of something, sad if you want less. Pretty simple but tedious.



Er what? That sort of manipulative nonsense would not last long with the dominant male I know and love. I believe someone mentioned it before but I'll toss it out there again: communication.



DerangedUnit -> RE: Guidance (7/22/2015 11:55:58 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt


quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

If you want him to tell you to do more things you have to pretend it's the most exciting thing in the world. For example if he tells you to do more squats jump up with a smile on your face and do them. Get really excited every time he asks for something and comment on it's effects later "wow is it just me ir is my ass looking better after all those squats, thank you for having me do that *kiss*"

It's not a matter if whether ir not it will work but it's hard to keep up especially if he's a natural pessimist. Having someone be in a bad mood or ignore you while you are trying to be excited makes it hard to keep up, but if you really want it...

Dont ask him to do something or how he feels about it, just act how you want him to respond. Be excited if you want more of something, sad if you want less. Pretty simple but tedious.



Er what? That sort of manipulative nonsense would not last long with the dominant male I know and love. I believe someone mentioned it before but I'll toss it out there again: communication.


She asked how, not whether you should or shouldnt. Thats a long diversion. Perhaps ill start a new topic on it.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Guidance (7/22/2015 11:58:39 AM)

Hey, it would be nice if someone would start a topic. At least you're participating, ya know?

I'm trying very very hard not to respond to the gregorian or is it georgian slave positions, but I seriously do NOT know how long I'll last.




Husbandidntgive1 -> RE: Guidance (7/22/2015 12:16:52 PM)

Wow how exciting to see everyone's posts and comments. I don't understand how they went so quickly from tips and useful advice to insulting assumptions, however my marriage is pretty great, after reading the comments and a few other things on her I have had some really open conversations with my husband about things and I was able to articulate what I was feeling in a way I previously could not. I would just like to thank you all!!



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Guidance (7/22/2015 1:38:32 PM)

I assume that was directed at me?

It wasn't meant as an insult -- more a humorous interlude.



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