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Filling the void - 7/16/2006 9:26:56 PM   
suggababy23


Posts: 73
Joined: 10/16/2005
Status: offline 		I broke up with a Dom sometime ago, about a month, and just this past weekend had dinner with another Dom I had met online.  As we were having dinner and talking, I realized more than ever how much I missed being submissive to a man.  However, I am not ready to jump into a new relationship so soon.  It seems like my need is stronger now, than it was before I was in the relationship with my previous Dom. 

So now I am curious as to how do you deal with those submissive tendancies that pop up?  How do unowned subs fill the void or what activities do people do as a replacement for the feeling of being with someone? 


Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Filling the void - 7/16/2006 10:41:41 PM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		This is something I am struggling with a lot myself right now.  I can't really say what will work for you, but I know what I have tried to do.  I come here, and talk to ppl on the boards..that keeps me sort of in touch with the life a bit.  I am using the time that I don't have anyone.. to grow..and to learn more about what I want..and who I am.

Truth is..nothing can really replace it, there are only things that might ease it some.  There isn't a substitute for that feeling of being owned..and submitting to someone.  Each day though, most of all on those days where it's most hard, I just try and tell myself..that this is another day..that I will look back on and remember fondly when I am sitting at my Sirs feet, my head on his lap... knowing I waited for him and didn't settle for less.
 
I know this probably didn't help.. but I hope that things get better for you.
 
~Andrea (flutterby)
 
 

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to suggababy23)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Filling the void - 7/16/2006 10:47:15 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		To be honest, when my former dom and I quit seeing each other I did not feel this ache to be submissive to another. I missed him, I ached for him... for months. I did not feel the need or desire to submit, although I knew I was still a submissive. I tried a few vanilla dates to get back into circulation again.. nothing serious, just wanted some company and to keep my mind off the past. I quickly abandoned vanilla for BDSM relationship oriented sites.

I ended up with the first dom that emailed me...Ha Ha. I did not intend it to be that way, as I dated a couple of others before we actually had a chance to meet. I did not feel submissive to them. I felt instant connection the first time I sat across the table from the Dom I am with presently. My point is perhaps it is not just a random ache to be submissive again, maybe this particular dominant does it for you? You never know unless you date a few more and see...smiles.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 7/16/2006 10:48:14 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to suggababy23)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Filling the void - 7/16/2006 10:47:59 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Costco has deals on C batteries

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Filling the void - 7/16/2006 11:35:21 PM   
babysburnin


Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I ended up with the first dom that emailed me...Ha Ha. I did not intend it to be that way, as I dated a couple of others before we actually had a chance to meet. I did not feel submissive to them. I felt instant connection the first time I sat across the table from the Dom I am with presently.


Me too.  There's something to be said for chemistry/fate...

I agree with Crappy...go get some batteries at Costco (and use them wisely), meanwhile...don't inflict someone else with your missing the other.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Filling the void - 7/17/2006 2:07:48 AM   
mystiquenz


Posts: 330
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline
I am sorry to read that you are going through a difficult time. It takes time to adjust, and to keep your feet moving on your pathway.

My two cents for what it is worth, is that there is always hope. corney aye .. We go through the sifting process Doms sift through submissives, submissives sift through Doms, and eventually you find someone that your interested, but the interest may not be reciprocated, or vice versa, and so you set off again, on the track. That track is journey.

For myself, I can only say, that you have to have faith, faith in the universe that you are destined to have the relationship that you desire and crave. Faith that your search is not walking through life, in darkness, but eventually you will find your flame. It seems to me that the people you could be attracted to, are usually far away from where you are located. Visualisation, is a good technique, and remain cheerful, and positive. Have faith in yourself, and those around you.

If you are involved in a local bdsm group, that have play parties, you could bottom, but that does not fulfil the deep needs. The needs may be partially fulfilled, but for me, as much as I am grateful on occasion to bottom, the fulfilment is only skin deep, it does not fulfil the colossal hole, the void, that only a one on one relationship fulfil.

So, I encourage you not to mope, and get down hearted, but take positive steps. No matter what dynamic you seek, be clear in your own mind what you seek. Use this time alone, wisely, so that in the fullness of time, you can reap the rewards of that "self examination" process. Take the time, to work harder, find a hobby, enjoy your vanilla friends, as well as your lifestyle friends, go to munches, go to cafes get out and enjoy the sunshine. Look after yourself, rather than becoming a couch potato! *smiles* ...

Sure forums like this help to pass the time, but it is not contributing to your real time experiences, and the opportunities that you may encounter someone real time. Don't narrow your vision, keep a wide focus, and above all don't loose heart.

I would strongly suggest that playing for the sake of play, is a total wasted effort. Mutual needs met, but if you are wanting a deeper physical/spiritual/emotional/intellectual bond, you won't find that, in casual play.

Good hunting. Many of us have been where you are ... and so really, we can only nod and say, give it time ... but remain alert ... and that thing, that i'm not very good at "patience" ... as the old adage goes "patience is a virtue".

_____________________________

blessings
~mystique~

(in reply to babysburnin)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Filling the void - 7/17/2006 2:27:06 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I am in a similar situation in that I am not ready to try to establish a real relationship yet, but feel a pull to do that sometimes, when I feel an attraction to someone (which happens at times), but don't (truly) want to screw w/anyone's head, so I am really trying to spend time online learning more about bdsm, establish some new freindships in that area, and stay active w/my vanilla friends and volunteer work (which I plan to step up this week).

I am also looking at other areas of my life where I am now "free" to make changes: Do I want a different career type of job than I've had in the past? Do I want to sell my house and move? Do I want new hobbies? I am thinking of taking a photography class. That kind of thing.

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/17/2006 2:31:51 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to mystiquenz)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Filling the void - 7/17/2006 4:03:42 AM   
sweetbbwsub31


Posts: 331
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

Costco has deals on C batteries


But batteries can't spank. You just don't get it LOL.

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Filling the void - 7/17/2006 4:25:34 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I think Susan and Adrea have the right idea.  Use the time to improve yourself.  Do some things that will make you happy.  If you wanted to learn a new style of cooking (or anything else for that matter), enroll in some classes.  Give yourself a makeover...be good  to yourself.  No, it doesn't help with the desire to submit, but it will make you feel better.

(in reply to sweetbbwsub31)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Filling the void - 7/17/2006 4:37:08 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Oooh - makeovers are fun! I just bought a wig because I am letting my hair grow out and it's at the "in-between" stage and I am tempted to cut it, but won't (this time) but it was driving me crazy it looked so "shaggy". I have not tried it on yet, and have never had a wige before and didn't want it to look fake so bought a real human hair one in my actual own hair color - will try it on today.

I also like (occasionally) getting a pedicure. I do my own nails. But it is fun to go to a salon for one, once in awhile. or a massage, or something like that.
I do stuff like that about twice a year, and it makes it a real treat.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Filling the void - 7/17/2006 4:44:20 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I once read an article by Sensuous Sadie (she writes for a ezine...I don't remember the name) and she talked about sub drop, etc.  In it was advice to just be nice to yourself.  I've been in your shoes, Susan...it's a bitch!  I wallowed for a bit and then decided to be nice to myself.  It worked then and it still works!

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Filling the void - 7/17/2006 5:49:08 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: suggababy23
...How do unowned subs fill the void or what activities do people do as a replacement for the feeling of being with someone?...


**Volunteer**  there are at least a gazillion opportunities you can take advantage of for donating your time and talents...what gifts do you posses??  are there any causes you feel drawn to help out with?  family members that could use some help?local community projects you might be interested in helping out?  before becoming owned, this slave filled the void of not being able to serve in a relationship with a Dom by devoting her time and energy to serving the other relationships in her life, without expectation of recompense~family members, friends, the local community and complete strangers.
 
**Invest in Yourself** you say you just recently ended a relationship--perhaps there are some things you'd like to work on to improve yourself while dealing with that loss?  this slave took classes at the local jr. college~some for fun and some for credit toward an AA degree, went back to church to see if anything had changed, meditated, prayed and made some new friends.
 
lastly, if this slave has entirely missed the point and this thread is all about jonesing to be physically dominated in a sexual way, then this slave is at a loss for advice and perhaps the suggestion about stocking up on batteries is more appropriate.

(in reply to suggababy23)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Filling the void - 7/17/2006 6:13:14 AM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: suggababy23

So now I am curious as to how do you deal with those submissive tendancies that pop up?  How do unowned subs fill the void or what activities do people do as a replacement for the feeling of being with someone? 





I am in the same situation you are in.. One of the things I find is that I am very service oriented toward my boss at work. I am fortunate that he understands where I am in the lifestyle so he allows me to do all kinds of things that are "subbie like" but perhaps would not be considered PC in other work environments. (and I am not talking ANYTHING inappropriate, just things like get him his drinks, help out in whatever way makes his job easier, that kind of stuff).  He also thinks its funny when I ask permission to do stupid stuff like go to bathroom. Sometimes he will even tease and say no and make me wait. He also doesnt mind it when I call him "Sir".

Another thing I do is spend wayyyy too much time in the message boards. I have been reduced to being addicted to the "Polls and other Random Stupidity" threads.. they are wayy too much fun but they keep me out of trouble LOL>...

Finally, there is also the local community. I just last night made a reach out to attend my first "activity" with a local bondage enthusiasts email list group. I requested assistance with a ride since I do NOT want to drive around in Dallas due to being incredibly directionally challenged. Within an hour I had my ride set up. (this also helps me keep from changing my mind at the last minute.... or at least makes it a bit more difficult)

I am  not sure what your particular situation is..or how your personality type fits into these suggestions.. just keep yourself open and safe as you continue to continue on!

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to suggababy23)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Filling the void - 7/17/2006 7:16:21 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Many find solace in service to good causes. Perhaps you could volunteer somewhere? ASPCA or soup kitchen or library? This is assuming that what you miss is non-sexual service.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to suggababy23)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Filling the void - 7/17/2006 8:50:42 AM   
suggababy23


Posts: 73
Joined: 10/16/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for your replies :)

With myself, its not just the physical aspect of not being able to serve someone but that feeling you get when you do something and hear or see his approval.  I actually have thought of doing some volunteer work.  I am going back to school in the fall to get my Masters and I just recently got a promotion at my job.  So I think with all of that, my time will be plenty full in the coming month.  I am glad I got the chance to have dinner with the Dom I met this weekend because it was the first time, in a long time that I can say I got to have a good conversation about the lifestyle that didn't involve any talk of sex.  And perhaps there is a connection there.  I will just have to wait and see.

I don't know any submissives personally.  I have only been to one BDSM group meeting.  So it's really good to find these boards where I can ask these questions and know someone else has been where I am.  It's hard to relate these questions I have to my vanilla friends.  Thanks for the advice to be patient.  I admit I am not the most patient person but I am starting to really feel that is really the best option for me right now. 

A pedicure sounds really nice too...

~sugga

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Filling the void - 7/17/2006 3:20:04 PM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		If you have an active community with lots of groups you might try to see if there is a group that fits how you view D/s. I have been blessed to have found a group with Dom/mes who allow me to serve them, and the group, in ways that ease the craving to submit and serve. That helps me a lot.

(in reply to suggababy23)
Profile   Post #: 16
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