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Confused - 8/27/2015 10:26:05 PM

Preciouslil

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Joined: 2/8/2014
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Hi all:) I have recently ended my first bdsm relationship with a Daddy that was long distance ... I then tried to forget about my needs as a submissive and started a vanilla relationship.... For awhile it was ok but my needs where keeping me unsatisfied so I decided to let him in about my needs and being a submissive, since then he has educated himself and is doing quite well but I still feel I need more ... So my question is can this ever work or has anyone experienced a similar thing?

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RE: Confused - 8/27/2015 10:38:27 PM

DarkSteven

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It usually doesn't work well, but I know of two times when it succeeded spectacularly.

That said, give the guy a break. He's new to this.

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RE: Confused - 8/27/2015 10:42:13 PM

DaddySatyr

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From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Preciouslil

Hi all:) I have recently ended my first bdsm relationship with a Daddy that was long distance ... I then tried to forget about my needs as a submissive and started a vanilla relationship.... For awhile it was ok but my needs where keeping me unsatisfied so I decided to let him in about my needs and being a submissive, since then he has educated himself and is doing quite well but I still feel I need more ... So my question is can this ever work or has anyone experienced a similar thing?

Well, it really depends. I know that's a crap answer, but I'll explain a bit.

Men - even quite a few that identify as dominant - tend to do anything they think they need to in order to get into or retain a relationship that they consider to be of value. It's a sad fact, but it's true.

The fact that this current guy hasn't been the least bit involved in a D/s relationship tells me that his prime motivation might be to please you. That's all well and good, but think about things in your own life. The things that truly interest you ... for which you truly have a passion will probably never leave you, but the things you do to please others may find their way out of your life/head.

I have never believed that a person can learn to be dominant or submissive. Certainly, they can be taught to wield a flogger or whip, but being dominant or submissive is a mind-set; a way of being. It is who we (some of us) are, at our core.

I'm not saying this won't work. Again; I am saying: "It depends".

I strongly recommend a very long, very honest, very deep conversation. Please, please, PLEASE encourage open and honest discussion.

Once you've done that, make sure he finds himself a friend in the lifestyle who can be a sympathetic ear and a confidante; someone that can be a "mentor", if you will.

Michael

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RE: Confused - 8/28/2015 4:53:55 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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Can you be more specific about what you're confused about?

And what does "I need more" mean exactly?

How well has he educated himself?

Have you two talked about it (extensively)?

Are you a 'do me' sub who expects him to 'dom you just right'?

Or is it that he doesn't have an 'edge'?? You know, it might take him a while to develop one. How long has this ben going on?

More details might help us understand your situation.

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RE: Confused - 8/28/2015 9:26:27 AM

samantharenee812

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You'll have to give him time if he's new, dear. He's trying to learn specifically for you, you know! :)

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RE: Confused - 8/28/2015 6:04:46 PM

MatureSpaiosexul

Posts: 30
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Preciouslil

started a vanilla relationship....
me unsatisfied so I decided to let him in about my needs and being a submissive, since then he has educated himself and is doing quite well but I still feel I need more ... So my question is can this ever work or has anyone experienced a similar thing?

In general people drawn to this dynamic are hardwired core personalities.

In speaking of "slaves", I find these are dominant people who need to submit to a single indiviual. They are seeking an Alpha to give them a "vacation" from the regularly stressful, and dominant day job. The full time slave is also a core dominant and just wants to immerse themselves into the freedom of slavery.

Submissives tend to be submissive by nature. They are the people at the party who are cleaning up and making sure there are more napkins. They are the loyal secretary, personal assistant and gravitate towards the Alpha, who gives them structure and purpose. They thrive in the roles of support and service.

I think vanilla people can easily be moved into different roles. I would say in my D/s and M/s relationships 80-90% had zero experience, many with no thoughts of D/s at all, but embraced what they found. Of these 95% were submissive.

The Dominants were either highly placed female executives or women I trained to become pro-dommes.

If this vanilla boyfriend is a take charge type, get him some books on leadership and management. These often use metaphor the vanilla is more comfortable with while he makes the transition. Once he gets the concept, then you should find stories that will move you and help him understand. Maybe some place like Literotica.com

If however, he is doing this "to Please You", you are dealing with a submissive. I have encountered this is my work with couples and in most cases, if you can make him feel emotionally safe and secure in the relationship, finding an Alpha for the two of you can be extremely rewarding and expansive in opening new pathways to bond.

Hope all of that was cogent.

< Message edited by MatureSpaiosexul -- 8/28/2015 6:07:26 PM >

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RE: Confused - 8/28/2015 6:23:37 PM

Wayward5oul

Posts: 3314
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MatureSpaiosexul

quote:

ORIGINAL: Preciouslil

started a vanilla relationship....
me unsatisfied so I decided to let him in about my needs and being a submissive, since then he has educated himself and is doing quite well but I still feel I need more ... So my question is can this ever work or has anyone experienced a similar thing?

In general people drawn to this dynamic are hardwired core personalities.

In speaking of "slaves", I find these are dominant people who need to submit to a single indiviual. They are seeking an Alpha to give them a "vacation" from the regularly stressful, and dominant day job. The full time slave is also a core dominant and just wants to immerse themselves into the freedom of slavery.

Submissives tend to be submissive by nature. They are the people at the party who are cleaning up and making sure there are more napkins. They are the loyal secretary, personal assistant and gravitate towards the Alpha, who gives them structure and purpose. They thrive in the roles of support and service.

I think vanilla people can easily be moved into different roles. I would say in my D/s and M/s relationships 80-90% had zero experience, many with no thoughts of D/s at all, but embraced what they found. Of these 95% were submissive.

The Dominants were either highly placed female executives or women I trained to become pro-dommes.

If this vanilla boyfriend is a take charge type, get him some books on leadership and management. These often use metaphor the vanilla is more comfortable with while he makes the transition. Once he gets the concept, then you should find stories that will move you and help him understand. Maybe some place like Literotica.com

If however, he is doing this "to Please You", you are dealing with a submissive. I have encountered this is my work with couples and in most cases, if you can make him feel emotionally safe and secure in the relationship, finding an Alpha for the two of you can be extremely rewarding and expansive in opening new pathways to bond.

Hope all of that was cogent.

Just no. These are absurd descriptions that range from uneducated stereotype to pure imagination. OP, communicate with your partner. Honest communication. Be patient and keep the lines of communication open all the way. That is a first but all-important step.

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RE: Confused - 8/30/2015 1:33:20 AM

Preciouslil

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Thank you all for your comments ... I have not yet worked out if he is pleasing me or he is naturally dominant, I agree communication is the key and we do that often I guess it just takes time, understanding and patience .. I always make sure he is emotionally safe and secure with me and this seems to boost confidence ...thank you for the suggestion of literotuca

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RE: Confused - 8/30/2015 4:32:17 AM

DannyIsNotWelcom

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MatureSpaiosexul

them a "vacation" from the regularly stressful, and dominant day job. The full time slave is also a core dominant and just wants to immerse themselves into the freedom of slavery.

In speaking of "slaves", I find these are dominant people who need to submit to a single indiviual. They are seeking an Alpha to give them a "vacation" from the regularly stressful, and dominant day job. The full time slave is also a core dominant and just wants to immerse themselves into the freedom of slavery.

That's how dominants imagine submissives! Maybe that works for other people but in my book that's a terrible cliché. "Slap my face and send me to bed" has absolutely nothing to do with my day job.

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RE: Confused - 9/6/2015 5:10:43 AM

jadedblessing

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It can work but you both must put in the time, effort, and patience with each other. Communication is the key as well as a sense of humor. Years ago i was in a relationship like this. We both came into the lifestyle together learned from others on many different forums and made the necessary adjustments to the relationship as needed. We were able to laugh and change. The roles we played were flexible and fluid. We were real time and 24/7. He passed away 4 years ago and I still miss him everyday.

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