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timing for sex - 9/8/2015 3:30:27 AM

iwant2changeuup

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/6/2015
Status: offline

being a mistress means i can demand oral any time i want. being a woman used to mean, check out the person long enough to see if they just want sex. how do i mix these 2 sides of myself. if i tell the new slave to give me oral on the first day, then i am just like men who use women. i am not that. but if i wait, what am i waiting for? i'm just a dominant woman, expecting her first real "slave". any advice or opinions may be helpful. thanks.

Post #: 1

RE: timing for sex - 9/8/2015 4:19:22 AM

dreamlady

Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline

This may not be the most popular position to take, but if there were camps, I would be in the one where

Being a Dominant woman means. . .

. . . never having to make demands for sex. Any kind of sex.

and, being a Dominant woman who has a well-matched submissive partner, means. . .

. . . we stayed attuned to one another's needs and are responsive to them on a day-to-day basis,

because as a Dominant, we understand that a truly dynamic D/s relationship transcends mere formalities and routine protocols.

Just saying.

DreamLady

(in reply to iwant2changeuup)

Post #: 2

RE: timing for sex - 9/8/2015 5:10:24 AM

NookieNotes

Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline

I have to agree with dreamlady. While it is a fun game to demand sex, that is not the point of a D/s relationship... unless that is your kink.

In which case, make that clear on your profile, and go for it.

Otherwise, in my mind, being the D in a D/s is about the mental aspects more than the physical. It's about creating a dynamic that includes sex, along with everything else I want: romance, conversation, silly gifts, flowers, laughter... etc.

So, the real question is this:

Are you wanting to create a D/s relationship, or just own a sex slave?

Because those could be two very different behavior sets.

_____________________________

Nookie
--
https://datingkinky.com

I Write! A few of my books on Amazon: http://amazon.com/author/msnnotes

(in reply to dreamlady)

Post #: 3

RE: timing for sex - 9/8/2015 5:56:31 AM

dreamlady

Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes

I have to agree with dreamlady. While it is a fun game to demand sex, that is not the point of a D/s relationship... unless that is your kink.

In which case, make that clear on your profile, and go for it.

Otherwise, in my mind, being the D in a D/s is about the mental aspects more than the physical. It's about creating a dynamic that includes sex, along with everything else I want: romance, conversation, silly gifts, flowers, laughter... etc.

So, the real question is this:

Are you wanting to create a D/s relationship, or just own a sex slave?

Because those could be two very different behavior sets.

You're absolutely right, for some Dominants having a sex slave IS their primary kink. I forget this at times, and that there's nothing wrong with desiring a sex slave who desires to BE a sex slave.

Alors, it still boils down to being well-matched partners, depending on the scope of what this partnership would entail. Some of us have a narrow scope, and some of us a much broader one.

OP, when you ask "how do I mix these 2 sides of myself," I inferred that you are feeling conflicted.
I mean, yes as your slave's Mistress, you could demand whatever you want. That doesn't mean your slave can deliver, but you can surely demand away all you please.
Believe me, being a woman has nothing to do with making demands or refraining from making them. You don't have to be a Domme to be a demanding woman, and it has more to do with temperament and not gender.

The (other) question is whether this comes naturally to you, because if it doesn't, then you are playing a part in someone else's script.
If role-playing is (also) your kink, then fine, but you should choose the authentic role(s) that you wish to play in your own fantasy enactments rather than ending up as a caricature of another's Fantasy Mistress construct.

In other words, be your own woman instead of trying to *prove* your Dommliness to others, the bane of every new Domme's emergence as she spreads her wings.
Otherwise, instead of being the Dominant in charge of your partnership - in whatever form it takes - you'll end up a slave to your (plural) own ego insecurities.

DreamLady

(in reply to NookieNotes)

Post #: 4

RE: timing for sex - 9/8/2015 7:47:06 AM

NookieNotes

Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamlady

In other words, be your own woman instead of trying to *prove* your Dommliness to others, the bane of every new Domme's emergence as she spreads her wings.
Otherwise, instead of being the Dominant in charge of your partnership - in whatever form it takes - you'll end up a slave to your (plural) own ego insecurities.

This.

_____________________________

Nookie
--
https://datingkinky.com

I Write! A few of my books on Amazon: http://amazon.com/author/msnnotes

(in reply to dreamlady)

Post #: 5

RE: timing for sex - 9/8/2015 7:53:03 AM

Lucylastic

Posts: 40310
Status: offline

Seconded.

_____________________________

(•_•)
<) )╯SUCH
/ \

\(•_•)
( (> A NASTY
/ \

(•_•)
<) )> WOMAN
/ \

Duchess Of Dissent
Dont Hate Love

(in reply to NookieNotes)

Post #: 6

RE: timing for sex - 9/15/2015 9:17:08 AM

iwant2changeuup

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/6/2015
Status: offline

thanks for all your input! i see now that i was not clear.

this is all about mock slavery. which includes sex slave. I'm not looking for a friend or lover.

y'all are saying just go with what i'm comfortable with. why am i trying to act like a male master? why would i want to act anyway?

in conclusion, be myself, do what feels right.

(in reply to iwant2changeuup)

Post #: 7

RE: timing for sex - 9/15/2015 9:53:59 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwant2changeuup

why am i trying to act like a male master?

Probably because you're a man.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to iwant2changeuup)

Post #: 8

RE: timing for sex - 9/18/2015 7:52:59 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwant2changeuup

being a mistress means i can demand oral any time i want. being a woman used to mean, check out the person long enough to see if they just want sex. how do i mix these 2 sides of myself. if i tell the new slave to give me oral on the first day, then i am just like men who use women. i am not that. but if i wait, what am i waiting for? i'm just a dominant woman, expecting her first real "slave". any advice or opinions may be helpful. thanks.

Well, I think (I could be wrong) proper sentence structure would be a spectacular start.

(in reply to iwant2changeuup)

Post #: 9

RE: timing for sex - 9/18/2015 9:01:54 PM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwant2changeuup

being a mistress means i can demand oral any time i want. being a woman used to mean, check out the person long enough to see if they just want sex. how do i mix these 2 sides of myself. if i tell the new slave to give me oral on the first day, then i am just like men who use women. i am not that. but if i wait, what am i waiting for? i'm just a dominant woman, expecting her first real "slave". any advice or opinions may be helpful. thanks.

DO NOT, EVER, allow Oral or any physical interaction on the first date!

And please note, I am Male!

If You want more than a superficial, one night stand, make a man prove he has a real interest in You!

BDSM is immaterial in forming a relationship. In looking for a relationship, both sexes are looking for someone they can relate to (Well, except immature people).

Anything else is like you are in High School, giving it out to the first guy to ask you out.

Oh and BTW, myself specifically look to date Dominant Women, because, i know a Dominant Woman is a perfect compliment to my personality. And should we find we are a great match; than the BDSM is like heaven.

Very Magical!

i suggest You search in the BDSM world, the same way You would in the vanilla world.

_____________________________

Got my second paddle! Finally! :-)

Heck I had one in 2010 .. now in 2013 another! Yes you can say, i am just a gifted slow learner!

(in reply to iwant2changeuup)

Post #: 10

RE: timing for sex - 9/18/2015 9:11:19 PM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

Perhaps I should add ... if your just looking for sex; have at it when you feel like it.

That is up to you, especially early on.

If you want to check them out further, do so.

If You want oral on the first date, do so.

But if You wish to capture a "slave" for the long term, see my earlier post.

_____________________________

Got my second paddle! Finally! :-)

Heck I had one in 2010 .. now in 2013 another! Yes you can say, i am just a gifted slow learner!

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)

Post #: 11

RE: timing for sex - 9/24/2015 5:17:48 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwant2changeuup

being a mistress means i can demand oral any time i want. being a woman used to mean, check out the person long enough to see if they just want sex. how do i mix these 2 sides of myself. if i tell the new slave to give me oral on the first day, then i am just like men who use women. i am not that. but if i wait, what am i waiting for? i'm just a dominant woman, expecting her first real "slave". any advice or opinions may be helpful. thanks.

Well!!!! Isn't it good to be you!

(in reply to iwant2changeuup)

Post #: 12

RE: timing for sex - 9/27/2015 11:31:13 PM

captiveboy

Posts: 13
Joined: 9/25/2015
Status: offline

I expect to be kept locked in strict chastity so if there will be any timing for sex, Mistress will decide that.

Isn't chastity wonderful?!

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

Post #: 13

RE: timing for sex - 9/30/2015 4:36:25 PM

lthrpup

Posts: 125
Joined: 4/28/2004
Status: offline

A love-em-and-leave-em guy's quick sex isn't likely to lead to a continuing relationship. Are you ok with one night stands or do you want a slave to be around a while? That will determine how much connection you establish before you exercise your prerogative of doing a willing guy.

(in reply to captiveboy)

Post #: 14

RE: timing for sex - 9/30/2015 8:02:12 PM

Delilya

Posts: 4108
Joined: 2/2/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

DO NOT, EVER, allow Oral or any physical interaction on the first date! And please note, I am Male!

If You want more than a superficial, one night stand, make a man prove he has a real interest in You!

Well now... I engaged in physical activity with mine the first night we met. We had been talking for a few months before were face to face, but when we did it was instant attraction. After 3 1/2 years of being partners, we were married this summer. So, um, I can't agree with that. :)

< Message edited by Delilya -- 9/30/2015 8:03:07 PM >

_____________________________

“Love me without fear, trust me without questioning, need me without demanding, want me without restrictions, accept me without changes, desire me without inhibitions"-Dick Sutphen

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)

Post #: 15

RE: timing for sex - 10/1/2015 5:11:53 AM

Lucylastic

Posts: 40310
Status: offline

Yeah my one night stand led me on a 30 year marriage. Altho, it isnt a bdsm one....
Nice to see lthrpup back too.
AND Delilya, congratulations on you wedding. Yay you both

_____________________________

(•_•)
<) )╯SUCH
/ \

\(•_•)
( (> A NASTY
/ \

(•_•)
<) )> WOMAN
/ \

Duchess Of Dissent
Dont Hate Love

(in reply to Delilya)

Post #: 16

RE: timing for sex - 10/1/2015 4:04:19 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

I never time my sex.

(It always makes the woman feel like she can't keep up.....it's just rude).

(in reply to iwant2changeuup)

Post #: 17

RE: timing for sex - 10/3/2015 4:35:41 PM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Delilya

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

DO NOT, EVER, allow Oral or any physical interaction on the first date! And please note, I am Male!

If You want more than a superficial, one night stand, make a man prove he has a real interest in You!

Well now... I engaged in physical activity with mine the first night we met. We had been talking for a few months before were face to face, but when we did it was instant attraction. After 3 1/2 years of being partners, we were married this summer. So, um, I can't agree with that. :)

Congratulations ... :-) You are very fortunate to find someone!

_____________________________

Got my second paddle! Finally! :-)

Heck I had one in 2010 .. now in 2013 another! Yes you can say, i am just a gifted slow learner!

(in reply to Delilya)

Post #: 18

RE: timing for sex - 10/3/2015 10:53:56 PM

dreamlady

Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

DO NOT, EVER, allow Oral or any physical interaction on the first date! And please note, I am Male!

If You want more than a superficial, one night stand, make a man prove he has a real interest in You!

BDSM is immaterial in forming a relationship. In looking for a relationship, both sexes are looking for someone they can relate to (Well, except immature people).

Anything else is like you are in High School, giving it out to the first guy to ask you out.
---
i suggest You search in the BDSM world, the same way You would in the vanilla world.

As a general rule, I would have to agree with you, seekingOwner. I have as many exacting standards I impose upon myself, as I do on a prospective dating partner.

(One of) My Achilles Heel(s), though, is spontaneity. Controlled spontaneity (not to sound like a mass of contradictions, but yanno, heart vs. head).
So . . . life happens. And if you get swept off your feet, or give in to a fleeting passion that doesn't turn out to be the real thing, there's no point to beat yourself up about it. Just be more discerning next time.
(Not that this is how you meant what you posted, because it applies to the wanton male culture of those who use women for their own sexual gratification purposes, but I'm making a sweeping statement for the benefit of myself and others.)

It used to be that in the flower of our youth, there wasn't the ominous looming shadow of STDs. Back then, we knew about VD, but we middle-aged folk come from the pre-AIDS generation. Some of us could afford to be foolish and/or impulsive. All of us could afford to be, some of the time -- hell, most of the time during that era.

I remember when I divorced my husband in the '90s after having been together for nearly a decade. We were both scared to death of catching herpes and of coming into contact with anybody who was HIV-positive, as were the rest of our friends.
For the next 2-3 years, we continued to have sexual relations exclusively with one another, approximately every 4-6 months. We couldn't trust anybody else to be "clean."
Incidentally, it was only then that he could let himself go of the control freak that he was, and allowed me to take full charge in the bedroom and play bedroom games with him.

I finally had to cut him off completely because he was getting the wrong idea that there was a chance we could get back together again for keeps. In a pig's eye.

DreamLady

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)

Post #: 19

RE: timing for sex - 10/4/2015 7:18:01 AM

lthrpup

Posts: 125
Joined: 4/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucylastic
Yeah my one night stand led me on a 30 year marriage. Altho, it isnt a bdsm one....
Nice to see lthrpup back too...

Thanks for the welcome, Lucylastic.

And thanks for providing an example that has me rethinking my preconception.

(in reply to Lucylastic)

Post #: 20

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