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Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 7:30:54 AM

LotusSong

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Have you had the experience of being in a D/s relationship and decide to marry your partner and >poof< all the BDSM play disappears?

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 7:36:40 AM

irishbynature

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

Have you had the experience of being in a D/s relationship and decide to marry your partner and >poof< all the BDSM play disappears?

I've heard of this happening before. I think whether you are in a vanilla marriage or in the lifestyle marriage, the play can go "poof" if neither continue to explore limits and grow. (Basically, keeping the passion alive). I've read that married BDSM couples can get into the "lazy" stage and move more toward vanilla.

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 7:40:19 AM

SusanofO

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No, but I've had the experience of being in a relationship where the sex was good, and then we got married and after awhile, the sex completely and forever disappeared - which is similar, but no the same in some ways. I never did figure out "why" and it drove me crazy, until I eventually just decided I'd had all I could take, as far as being the only apparent one who was caring enough totry to figure that part out.

But, many here have heard me bitch about that already, and I am trying to gve it up (my grief counsellor and I are working on it together).What I did about it was -

Nothing - for a long time (years) and then, finally, I had a very mutually satisfying extra-marital affair, for a year, with a man who in fact, introduced me to bdsm - an area I'd wanted to learn about, and participate in, for years. The affair was without my husband's knowledge, and I am not recommending that as a healthy option for people who find themselves in this situation (although I completely understand it when it happens).I'd already (after years of havingno sex or affection), asked him if he'd mind if I sought comfort elsewhere, and he said he did mind. But he was not willing to become more affectionate. I mentally said: "Well, screw it, I am going ahead anyway", and I did.

I do think considering becomig polyamorous, after discussing the situation with one's partner, and if they don't want to help change the situation, and don't object, is a healthy option. Working on the bdsm part of the relationship is always an option (but this does take two willing souls). But mine is just one opinion among many. Leaving would be the last and final option, I suppose (which I actually was on the verge of doing, but that's another long and boring story).

-Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/17/2006 7:51:20 AM >

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 7:48:36 AM

JessieMe

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

Have you had the experience of being in a D/s relationship and decide to marry your partner and >poof< all the BDSM play disappears?

YES!!!!

Unfortunately, it was not something I could handle.. I truly need the D/s BDSM aspects of the relationship.. Although I do still love my ex....always will because during the time we were "beyond vanilla" he spent alot of time building me into something close to resembling worthwhile to myself. However, when it was gone.. and talking could not improve it... I had to walk away. I would have ended up destroying him emotionally with all the pulling and frustration to have something he was no longer willing or able to give.

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 8:21:09 AM

sub4hire

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

Have you had the experience of being in a D/s relationship and decide to marry your partner and >poof< all the BDSM play disappears?

We've been married now a month and 7 days to be exact. The play has only gotten more frequently with less outside issues to deal with.
Our St Andrews cross has actually been finished and cristened many times.

Though, outside of my own relationship that sort of thing happens all of the time. Though usually the sex dries up. Communication would be the key.

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 9:16:03 AM

LokisBrat

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Actually it has turned the opposite for us. We started exploring the "lifestyle" as a married couple and neither of us can imagine going back to "vanilla." We are very fortunate in being able to explore things together as husband and wife. The trust and familiarity are already built in, which makes it very nice to jump with both feet.

To sum it up, it has only gotten better and more intense with the security of a stable partner.

LOKI

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 10:04:09 AM

LotusSong

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This is just something I have noticed with some people I've known that decided to convert the collar to a wedding ring thinking they would continue being M/s even more so.. (you know, wearing collar and cuffs, greeting them naked at the door when they come home form work, sleeping at the foot of the bed..yadda yadda.. etc) It wasn't the everyday life things that needs to be done to keep living.. but the dynamic just vanishes.

You all know by now I have enjoyed a very long time with Slave. Our relationship ebbs and flows. I find we go along and then one of gets a wild hair and tosses in some of our old D/s moves. I think that is what keeps the spark alive.

I think it is like if one eats a steady diet of candy, after awhile, the candy looses it's appeal. Thoughts?

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 10:06:04 AM

LotusSong

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LokisBrat

Actually it has turned the opposite for us. We started exploring the "lifestyle" as a married couple and neither of us can imagine going back to "vanilla." We are very fortunate in being able to explore things together as husband and wife. The trust and familiarity are already built in, which makes it very nice to jump with both feet.

To sum it up, it has only gotten better and more intense with the security of a stable partner.

LOKI

That is so good to see :) How long have you been married? Were you M/s before you met or after you married?

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 10:33:51 AM

DoctorDubious

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

Have you had the experience of being in a D/s relationship and decide to marry your partner and >poof< all the BDSM play disappears?

Hey Lotus, and all....

Nope.

But the bus's I drove for my loves
were more about surrender/submission<==>authority/leadership
than the S/M side,

... and as trust deepens,
soft surrender can become more profound.

That's not to say the bus
didn't knock a few sparks off the guardrails,
get off on lotsa wrong exit ramps...
and even end up in the ditch spinning its wheels...

And my lover, blindfolded and quiet in the back of the bus
knew I was a pretty good driver, and also knew I'd miss a few turns...

I'd describe my relationship failures
more as corrosion
than poof.

DD
PS, I grew up in Southern Alberta,
near Coaldale which is a world hot-spot for MS.
From my experience with family and family friends,
I have an appreciation of some of the challenges...

... did you see they just approved a new drug this summer?

(edited to add the PS)

< Message edited by DoctorDubious -- 7/17/2006 10:39:37 AM >

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 10:42:15 AM

LokisBrat

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

quote:

ORIGINAL: LokisBrat

Actually it has turned the opposite for us. We started exploring the "lifestyle" as a married couple and neither of us can imagine going back to "vanilla." We are very fortunate in being able to explore things together as husband and wife. The trust and familiarity are already built in, which makes it very nice to jump with both feet.

To sum it up, it has only gotten better and more intense with the security of a stable partner.

LOKI

That is so good to see :) How long have you been married? Were you M/s before you met or after you married?

Thanks!
We've been together 9 years, married for 5. We have always had the Daddy/brat aspect to our relationship, but didn't really explore WIITWD or label it much until about the last year or so....

LOKI

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 10:58:45 AM

DoctorDubious

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

I think it is like if one eats a steady diet of candy, after awhile, the candy looses it's appeal. Thoughts?

Dear Lotus, and all....

You are 100% right about candy.
It's also bad for your teeth.

And .... a friend of mine says,

"... the better you understand champagne,
the more you enjoy it ... "

She's got a valid point too.

DD

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 1:06:39 PM

BitaTruble

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

Have you had the experience of being in a D/s relationship and decide to marry your partner and >poof< all the BDSM play disappears?

I haven't had this experience, but I know that it is in the future. Older age prevents many activities from being done already. There will come a day when Himself is not physically capable of tieing the knots, swinging the floggers and as my skin thins, my body won't be able to endure it.

That's all ok though, because it's the mindset and the heart of M/s that is the core of the relationship .. the play is a perk and the conversation continues to amaze me even after all these years. So we get to a point where our play consists of him squeezing my hand too hard when we walk down the street and even Viagra won't get that nasty beast to rise any more, we will still have the core .. I look forward to growing old with him and getting our kicks by going through the 1000's of photos we've taken over the years. ::chuckles::

Celeste

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 1:32:13 PM

LotusSong

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I was hoping you would sign in on this one Celeste :) You are one of the success stories :)

Slave and I have battled with the "age issue". We have tried to stop our D/s and just be friends but we fail miserably!

We have finally decided it all will end when one of us breaks a hip.

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 2:12:51 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

No, but I've had the experience of being in a relationship where the sex was good, and then we got married and after awhile, the sex completely and forever disappeared - which is similar, but no the same in some ways. I never did figure out "why" and it drove me crazy, until I eventually just decided I'd had all I could take, as far as being the only apparent one who was caring enough totry to figure that part out.

I do not know how many people I have heard talk about this, and it even happened in my first marriage. I am hoping that if I say "I do" again that I pick the person that doesn't tie their sexuality to the commitment of marriage. It seems odd to me that a piece of paper could suck all the sex and romance out of a relationship. Im the opposite of many people I have heard of, commitment has become an aphrodisiac for me, the closer and more committed I feel, the more likely I will want to do new and kinkier things..smiles.

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 2:51:35 PM

Curiossdragnlily

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i have heard of this happening. But as i read in another responce, the "poof" can disappear in any repationship. It is all in how the C/couple views it whether T/they are married by the laws of a state or not. Master and i are not married in that sense. But the Formal Collaring Ceremony that W/we just has far more meaning to U/us than the other does. There are many ways to "legally"take care of the necessary and important legal issues without having to be married.
with respect,
lily, collared and owned slave of Master Curios
srn 308-692-331

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 2:56:08 PM

BitaTruble

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::is trying to type this while laughing:: OK, I ran this by Himself who has assured me that I will still be laying across his lap when I'm 75.

My response to that was.. "If that's true, it's because I'm going to lay across your lap when I'm 65 and then not be able to get up again!"

::still laughing::

Celeste

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He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 3:01:59 PM

enthralled

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

::is trying to type this while laughing:: OK, I ran this by Himself who has assured me that I will still be laying across his lap when I'm 75.

My response to that was.. "If that's true, it's because I'm going to lay across your lap when I'm 65 and then not be able to get up again!"

::still laughing::

Celeste

LMAO ...... she's so funny

~enthralled

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 3:46:35 PM

Mercnbeth

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Certainly hope it's not the case. We're doing the 'vanilla' flavored ceremony in September and part of our honeymoon plans include attending the Folsom Fringe and the Folsom Street Fair. beth's in the process of creating her 'blushing bride' outfit for the events.

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 4:20:22 PM

Estring

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My slave and I just celebrated our 1st anniversary of marriage. We still enjoy bdsm play, but it can get tricky what with her work and my music demands. I make sure she always knows I love and appreciate her, and make time for us to play. So far, so good.
I would imagine having children in the house would be something that could significantly cut down bdsm activity. Luckily, our children are all grown up.

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RE: Where did it all go? - 7/17/2006 4:25:30 PM

subedana

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Wow, hope that doesn't happen. Jim and I are talking marrage and we're both middle aged. Shudders, but there are times I have to rest just cause the hip starts to throb from the arthurtis (sp).

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